Changing the Equation
by Miss Regina Star
Summary: Magnus loves Alec more than life itself. Alec feels exactly the same way. Magnus realises that Alec will someday age, while he will not. On this whim, he breaks up with Alec. Will this save Alec Lightwood from forbidden love, or just change the equation?
1. Losing You

**A/N**

**Hey.**

**This story is me trying to do angst. You'll see.**

**I hope you like it.**

**This is arguably my third fic. The other two were for Prince of Tennis (on a serious hiatus) and a Sam/Kurt one (still going).**

**Also, my love goes out to Japan and Christchurch right now. You are in my prayers.**

Tonight, Magnus knew, had to be the night. There was no way that this could be avoided for any longer. He couldn't just put it off until Alec was older, and demanded to become one of the Children of the Night. It had to be a cold hearted, clean break. Not messy, or wordy, or passionate. He had to stop the unravelling of his relationship before it had a chance to begin, before Alec had become such a part of him that he would be so selfish as to turn him into a vampire. He had to protect what was left of him, preserve what could be spared.

That night, Magnus mentally prepared himself. He wasn't going to cry. He would stand cool and strong, and tell Alec that it was a mistake. That they're whole relationship was just one large blunder on his behalf, one which he regrets immensely. He would tell Alec that he had to leave. That he didn't want him anymore. That he couldn't see how he could have possibly ever been so blind as to think that they had a chance of being happy together. He knew that if it would save Alec, he would say that he _hated _him.

And there he stood, looking Alec in the eye and telling him all of these things. Briefly apologising to Alec for leading him on, watching his lover's face contort into one of shock, and then it went blank, as though there was nothing more that could be felt. Seeing Alec like this, he spared him the blow of being hated, but did not allow him to leave unscathed.

"And, I am sorry to say, that I will no longer be prepared to do tedious patchwork on your shadowhunters. It would be both awkward and unwelcome. Hence, here is the number of a fine warlock, who would be more than happy to take my place. She is cheap, available and highly qualified," said Magnus, looking up at Alec, expecting him to say something in return. He wasn't sure why, though. Alec had remained virtually silent throughout the break up.

Alec closed the distance between him and Magnus and took the slip of paper containing the number and the name "Estelle" at the top in Magnus's neat script, one of the few qualities the warlock was in possession of that gave away his age. Magnus looked up at Alec again, seeing that he was continuing his insufferable silence, and spoke once more.

"Well, that's about all. If you need money, I will fill your bank account. Don't go sleeping on the streets. Don't talk to strangers, and last but not least, don't run with scissors." With that, Magnus turned away, knowing that he had broken his own heart alongside Alec's. _Temporarily, _he reminded himself, _He will get over it soon enough. It is best this way._

Magnus placed his hands on his intricate brass doorknob and began to close it when he heard Alec's voice or the first time in what felt to him like hours.

"I-I'm, so sorry Magnus," whispered Alec, his voice delicate and strained, as though it would break off mid sentence.

"What?" asked Magnus, too quickly. _Not that you care, _he reminded himself.

"I'm sorry, that I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry that I was a terrible boyfriend, whose insecurities always got the better of him. I'm sorry, Magnus." Alec looked at Magnus, looking almost ashamed, as though _he _had done something wrong. Magnus stared at him for a long time, not knowing what to say, before closing the door and not saying another word, leaving Alec outside his apartment as the warlock sobbed into his palms, collapsing on the ground.

Alec knew that he couldn't show up at the institute. Not like this, all heartbroken and breakable. He couldn't face his mother, whose only comforting words would surely be 'Maybe it was for the best', or his father, who would try to hide how pleased he was. No. He couldn't deal with that kind of crap. Not then, with his emotions all screwed up. He needed quiet. He needed peace.

More than anything, though, he needed Magnus Bane.

But he had lost him. Alec knew that he had been starting out as an abysmal boyfriend. Not only had he only recently come to terms with his sexuality, but he didn't _know _how to be intimate. He had never been in a relationship before. He didn't know how to make moves, and wasn't particularly comfortable with 'touching'. But he had honestly thought that he was improving. He had told Magnus all about his romantic 'handicap', and Magnus had laughed it off, telling him that he thought it was endearing, and not to worry. Saying that he would soon be up to speed and ready for action.

But now he was worrying. He wished he could just sit in a sob corner and cry his eyes out, thinking about what he had done to make Magnus hate him so much. Reflecting upon the times when he had told Magnus to slow things down. Telling him that he wasn't ready to go 'all the way' yet, but telling him that when he was, he wanted Magnus to be his first. He remembered just curling up on top of Magnus, sitting in his lap and humming away at nothing in particular.

If only he have known his own error.

Before long, Alec found himself standing outside Clary's apartment, still holding back tears. He hated the thought of intruding upon Clary, but not half as much as he despised the thought of going back to the institute. He knocked three times on the wooden door, slowly and evenly. Clary came to the door in a tank top and shorts, clearly preparing for bed, when she saw Alec.

"Alec… What's wrong? Are you…okay?" She sounded uncertain whether or not she should even ask those questions. He was clearly _not _okay. He looked as though he had seen a ghost, the shock of Magnus's sudden breakup still evident on his pale face. His first tear was slipping down his cheek, despite his efforts.

"N-no… I need a place to st-stay, just for a while," Alec said, his voice shaky and uneven. "I'm s-sorry to barge in like this."

Alec's self-control was slipping as more tears made their way down his cheek. He was falling apart, the way he knew he would. He just wished that he hadn't lost control in public.

Clary slid her arms around him and guided him onto the couch. He buried his face in his hands, and allowed the sobs to wrack through his body. Clary stood next to him, feeling somewhat out of place as Alec gasped and let out slow shaky breaths in order to calm himself. Clary finally took a seat beside Alec.

"Did Magnus try to… do something inappropriate to you?" she asked, her voice quivering slightly. She knew that Magnus was openly… intimate with Alec, and that he was often unsure and afraid of intimacy. But would Magnus have actually gone… that far?

"No," said Alec, his voice flat and protective over Magnus. None of this was Magnus's fault. He had every right to not want him in his life. "No, Magnus would never do that. Not to me. Not to anyone."

"Well then, what?" asked Clary. By this time, she knew full well that only a certain warlock could have such a profound effect upon Alec.

Alec quickly relayed the story, breaking down at some points, and making sure to point out that this whole thing was _all his own fault._

"That rat bastard," said Clary, who was practically boiling with rage when Alec was finished.

"No, no," said Alec. "It was all m-"

"Don't even try to defend that jerk. He deserves to rot. Who the hell does he think he is?"

Alec grimaced as Clary continued to list some very colourful words, describing _exactly_ what she thought of Magnus Bane, while Alec occasionally interrupted, coming to the warlock's defence. Their debate ended only when Alec decided that he ought to tell Isabelle the news. Clary respected his wish, allowing him use of Luke's house phone, before telling him that she really needed to do some shopping while Luke was honeymooning with her mother (an unsettling thought).

And with that, Clary headed straight to Magnus Bane's apartment.

Clary wasn't quite sure what she was going to say to the warlock. _Alec is awesome, and you just dumped the sweetest guy you ever had a chance with,_ or something more along the lines of _What the hell did you think you were doing? He _loved _you. For some unknown reason, he loved a jerk like you, only to have his heart broken and stomped on!_

Clary approached the door, and pressed the doorbell without pausing. There was no time for hesitation. Not now.

Magnus's voice came out over the intercom, sounding choked and out of breath.

"Who is it?" he asked, sounding simply exhausted. Clary thought quickly, before replying.

"Magnus! Come quickly. There's an emergency. You have to come out. Now!" she said, feigning distress in a believable manner. She needed to speak to him. Something didn't feel right about the way he had just dropped Alec like a hot potato.

Sure enough, Clary heard Magnus's rushed footsteps coming down the hall. He then proceeded to unlock his door and open it in a rash manner.

"What happened? Is Ale-"

But Magnus didn't finish his sentence. Clary struck Magnus across the face with as much force as she could muster, finding herself oddly satisfied by the sound it made, and the way the warlock stumbled. Magnus quickly regained balance and eyed Clary wearily.

"I'm guessing you've been informed that Alexander and I are no longer in an intimate relat-"

"No," Clary cut in again. "I heard that you dumped him on his ass after he gave up everything for you!"

"Not everything," muttered the warlock darkly.

"Oh, what? Did you want more? Is that why you broke him? Is that why he's lying on my couch, sobbing his eyes out on the phone, telling his sister not only that you broke up with him, but that he _deserved _it? You let him think that he _deserved _it? What kind of a monster would do something like that to Alec? Alec, who hardly knows what love is, but to throw it back in his face after he tried so hard to give it to you- God, everything he had to you- is _unforgivable._"

"I couldn't let this last any longer. It couldn't have worked." Magnus's voice sounded guilty. He should have known that Alec would blame himself.

"Why? Because all you wanted was a casual hook up? Not a real, loving boy, who would have always cared for you? After everything you did, he _still _loves you. You know that, don't you?"

"You know as well as I do that Alec couldn't have lasted forever."

Realization dawned on Clary's face, but she forced it into hiding.

"Then why even try? Why break him like that? So that it didn't drag out? So that it didn't hurt _you _any longer than you wanted?" Clary paused, before lightening her tone to one of curiosity and desperation. "Do you know when the last time Alec cried was? Aside from the grief of losing his brother?" Magnus shook his head. "It was the day he sent you a fire note, and you wouldn't reply. The time before that? When you opened the portal, and he was too afraid to say how he felt. Do you really want me to list them all? Because all of them involve you. He cries at night, when he thinks that no one can hear him. Before then, the last time anyone had ever seen him shed a tear was when he was ten years old. Until recently, Jace had never seen his brother shed a tear. Then you came along."

Magnus shook his head and looked down at his well dressed feet, and for the first time since arriving, she realised that he too had been crying. It was not something very noticeable, but she could faintly see were his mascara had previously run onto his cheek, before he had attempted to wipe it away. Clary allowed herself to soften her expression to one of vague understanding. All she had to do was straighten out this situation before anything even worse happened.

And then her phone began to ring, the screen displaying the caller's name.

Isabelle.


	2. Caring For You

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**Hey guys!**

**I was shocked by how many reviews I got considering I am new to the fandom.**

**Thankyou all so much. You all made my week.**

**If someone asks how I am, I swear I will say "Great, mum. I made a person cry."**

**It will be very humorous.**

**Especially if that person happens to not be my mother…**

**The updates will become more irregular.**

**I was all like, 'Yeah, I will write half of it, see how people like it, and continue.'**

**I kinda wish I had waited longer to post it now, but you all make it worth it!**

**

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"Look, Clary, he'll be fine. Just… make sure everyone is there for him since I can't b-" Magnus began, but was cut off by Clary, who was fiddling with her phone.

"Shh. I have to get this," she said quickly, before hitting the talk button and raising the phone to her ear.

"Hello, Izz-"

"He's missing , Clary," came Isabelle's voice, which had become frantic. "He's gone, there's a-a note. He's gone, and I don't know whe-"

"Wait a sec, Isabelle," replied Clary, who was looking at Magnus with frantic, wide eyes. He looked back at her with a blank expression, having no clue what the piece of information she had just received entailed. She quickly put Isabelle onto loud speaker and waved the cell phone in front of Magnus's face, but gestured for him to keep his mouth shut. "Could you just repeat everything? _Slowly_?"

"Y-yeah," came the voice, now audible to Magnus. "Alec. Alec is gone. He isn't at your house anymore."

Magnus looked like the world had just crashed down around him, his eyes were now wide, his mouth somewhat agape. He didn't just look scared anymore. He looked terrified for Alec. He somehow seemed to forget Clary's previous warning to stay silent.

"What?"

There was a pause at the other end, followed by a gasp.

"YOU!" came Isabelle's suddenly angry voice. "This is _your _fault! What the hell is wrong with you? Why the hell did you let him think that it was something that he had done? There he was, crying on the phone, telling me that the guy he loved more than anything in the world finally realised what an idiot he was! Telling me that it was just a matter of time before you, perfect, loving you, came to your senses and dumped him."

Magnus stood still, gazing at the phone. His eyes were lit with sheer horror. Alec honestly thought that he hadn't been good enough. For him, the stupidest warlock in the world. No. Alec thought that he was perfect. He had believed with all his heart that Magnus was the epitome of a man. The highest peak for mankind. Why did he have to be wrong?

Why did everything have to be so wrong?

Clary interrupted his thoughts.

"You mentioned a note? What did it say?" Leave it to Clary to be the sensible one. For once, Magnus wished that he could be like Clary. Sensible. Reliable. Mortal.

"Yeah…"

Magnus eyed the phone impatiently.

"Well, what the hell are you waiting for? Read the damn thing!"

Without hesitation, Isabelle launched into the letter.

"_Dear Clary,_

_I'm so sorry that I showed up at your door like that. I just needed a place to think things over. I know you think that this is all Magnus's fault, but I swear, it isn't. What happened was inevitable. But don't worry, I know what I have to do now. It'll all be fine._

_When you next see my mum and dad, tell them that I'm sorry, and that I'm okay. Tell Jace and Izzy that I'll miss them, and not to read my diary when I'm gone. And if you ever see Magnus Bane again, tell him that I'm sorry as well. That I never meant to make him so upset, because he looked like he was about to cry when he dumped me. Tell him, even though he doesn't want to hear it, that when you drew the rune that made us see the person we love the most, I saw him._

_Yours Truly,_

_Alec Lightwood"_

By the end of the letter reading, Magnus had well and truly broken down, cradling his sobbing face in both hands, his back pushed against the wall. This was all his fault. Everything. It was apparent that Isabelle wasn't quite seeing what kind of note this was.

"It's such a horrible note," said Isabelle, if not for anything else, to break the silence that had engulfed them. "It doesn't give off a single hint as to where he is going."

Clary shot Magnus a meaningful look. She too had realised the implications of Alec's words. Magnus nodded back to her.

"Isabelle, don't you think that the note read almost like we wouldn't be seeing him again? Al-almost like a suicide note?"

There was a loud thump on the other end, followed by silence. There was then a shrill scream, as Isabelle called her other brother, between gasps and sobs.

"JACE! JACE! Jace, get down here, NOW!"

Magnus and Clary stood in the hallway, listening to Jace and Isabelle speak, feeling like they were intruding on a personal moment as they listened to Alec's siblings discuss the recent events, the telephone still on the ground. They were both pretty sure that Isabelle didn't want them to hang up.

It was like the whole scenario was on replay. Magnus winced as he heard the crinkling of Alec's note as Jace read it.

Magnus wasn't sure how Jace was going to react. He was quite sure that he wouldn't cry, and was rather unsure as to if the boy even had tear ducts. Jace would most likely be angry, because that was what he was good at.

"Where the hell is Magnus?" came Jace's voice, sounding relatively calm, which surprised Magnus a considerable amount.

"With Clary. I-if you want to talk to them, I think they are still on the phone," said Isabelle, who was still sobbing. Clary heard the sound of the receiver being picked up and moved, as Jace stepped into the bathroom so that his sister couldn't hear him.

"Hello? Clary?"

"Y-yeah, Jace?"

"Is this on speaker?"

Clary's eye brows knitted in confusion as she looked at Magnus for confirmation. He merely shrugged.

"Yeah… Why?"

"I love you, Clary. I need you to know that," said Jace, still sounding completely under control. "But I need you to turn it off speaker, and hand the phone to that bast- Magnus, for a sec, 'kay?"

"Okay… I love you too Jace," said Clary, the words sounding quiet and passionate, as though the experience of speaking in such terms was new to her. She then clicked a button on the phone and held it out to the distressed warlock, who was beginning to pace.

"It's for you," she mouthed. Magnus accepted the phone hesitantly. He couldn't help but wonder why Jace would want to speak with him at a time like this.

"Hell-"

"What the hell do you think you're playing at?" Jace's voice came out harsh, contrasting with the tone he had used with Isabelle and Clary, and stunning Magnus just a little.

"E-excuse me?"

"Did you actually stop loving him? Did you cease to adore him the way you always did? Because I think you're lying." Jace sounded as though he was making more of an accusation than an inquiry, his voice flat and certain.

"Jace. It wasn't Alec's fault. I just wasn't in love with him anymo-"

"Like hell you weren't," interrupted Jace furiously. "I saw the way you looked at him, like he was the most beautiful and delicate thing in the world. Like you had to watch him, protect him. I saw the way he looked at you too. And the way he texted about you was almost sickening."

Magnus was cringing at each word Jace spoke. Why did he have to be right _now_? It had never happened before…

But he had to play pretend, for Alec's sake. If he was still alive.

_If. _The thought made Magnus flinch. The fact that there was even the smallest chance that Alec had taken his own life made Magnus's stomach churn. That all his efforts rested on the word _if_. That this might all be okay. _If _Alec was still alive.

"People fall out of love all the time." Magnus knew that he wasn't convincing anyone.

"_Oh_," came Jace's voice, absolutely enraged. "What is this then?"

Magnus heard a faint beep at the other end of the line, before Jace began to speak again, in a higher, more condescending voice.

"_Dear Jace, I won't be home tonight. Magnus took me out, and it is too late. He told me I could sleep over at his place, and when I went to lie on the couch, he lifted me up and took me to his bed, and said that he wouldn't have been able to sleep without me. Isn't he so sweet?"_

"Stop," said Magnus, recognising what this was. He remembered the night this had happened. It was probably a few months ago, on one of their earlier dates. He had carried Alec bridal style to bed, and told him he would be back after he had showered. Alec had told him that it was okay, because he needed to text Jace that he wouldn't be back that night.

"_Dear Jace, Magnus told me that he loves me. It wasn't the first time, but it was magical. The way he says it is like he never has a second thought about it. Like it's just an instant reaction. I told him I love him back, because I do. So much. He's just so wonderfu-"_

"Just stop!" Magnus's voice was thick with tears. He remembered Alec's face every time he told him that he loved him. He would look so shocked, as if it were a new piece of information each time he said it, before smiling and pressing himself into the warlock's chest, and return the feeling.

"But Magnus," came Jace's voice, dripping with angry sarcasm, "you're _wonderful. _You're so freaking _wonderful._"

"Fine," said Magnus, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Fine. Does it make you any happier at all to know that I still love him more than anything in the world? Does it make it any better to know that I hate myself for loving him, and know that I'm the reason he might be _gone_?"

"No," said Jace honestly. "But I do feel a tad more satisfied, knowing that you want to find him even more than I do.

"Look. Right now, I kind of hate you. Like, a lot. Honestly, the romance between you and my brother is pretty pathetic. But I need to find him. I can't-" Jace's voice broke, and he coughed, as though casting it away, "I can't lose another brother.

"Where would he go?"

Magnus thought for a moment. Alec would have planned this out. If luck existed, he was still planning. He would want to be...

"He would want to be somewhere where no one would find him. Not for a long time, anyway. Did he ever mention anywhere to you? Hiding spots?"

Jace audibly gasped.

"There was this one place, when we were little, Alec stumbled across it," said Jace, rapidly. "You would never see it unless you are looking for it, but it always seemed to jump out at Alec. There was a little door, in the corner of the wall, and no one could ever get through. That is saying a lot, considering Izz took to it with an axe one time.

"Anyway, Alec asked our parents why it couldn't be opened, and they told him that it was very old, and could only be opened by a warlock. After that, I thought he forgot about it.

"But just a few months ago, we were walking down the corridor, and Alec pointed it out to me, asking me if I thought that you could get through it. It would be that last place he would expect us to come looking for him. He would probably assume that we wouldn't be able to."

"But that doesn't work," murmured Magnus. "If he knows that I can get in..."

"Honestly, do you really expect him to think that you would be looking for him?"

That hurt. No, now that Magnus stopped to think about, Alec wouldn't be expecting him to be looking for him. Alec had always been insecure about the way Magnus felt towards him. He would be shocked every time they kissed, and even when Magnus said good bye and that he loved him before leaving his apartment.

It was as though he was never quite sure if he was doing the right thing, but as far as Magnus was concerned, he didn't even have to try.

"Any way," came Jace's voice, sounding surprisingly far away, crashing through Magnus's thoughts, "You guys are still bonded together, right? With Clary's rune? He would have complete access to the door now."

"Y-yeah," Magnus said, falling apart. He was so glad that he had Jace and Clary around to help him. Even Isabelle was holding up better than him. Probably because it wasn't _her_ fault that her brother was dying.

That one was all on him.

"Look, Magnus," said Jace sounding almost sympathetic, "I would be lying if I said that I didn't hate you right now. The way you made Alec feel was totally out of line. I just need to know why you said it."

Magnus took Jace's words in a stride. He had it coming, and what's more, he wanted to hear them. The sound of Alec blaming himself had been ringing non-stop in his mind for too long. At least everyone else had no problems acknowledging his faults.

Magnus looked up for a moment, Clary staring at him, eyes wide. He had forgotten that she was there. She had heard everything on his side of the conversation, and looked horrified. He quickly turned away again.

"I will last forever," the warlock whispered, sounding oddly old, "but Alec will some day expire. Think about it. In a few years, will he really want to keep aging? I think… that one day, he will wake up wanting to be a vampire, and I will be so attached to him that I'd let it happen.

I know that Simon seems relatively happy, and he should be. He is a total exception to the rule. But like you've said in the past, Jace; Forever is a long time without sunlight. Everything would break down, and I- I thought if I stopped everything now, I could save him."

Jace was silent on the other end. Magnus was about to break the silence, but Jace found his voice before he had the chance to speak.

"Magnus, do you still love him?"

Magnus made an involuntary noise from the back of his throat before answering softly.

"More than anything else in the world."

"Then if we-" Jace stopped, catching himself, "When we find my brother, I need you to tell him what you just told me. He needs to hear it."

"Yes," Magnus replied weakly. "I know."

"Good. Now, meet me at the entrance to the Institute. I will show you to the door, okay?" Jace asked, not really needing an answer.

"We'll be there." And with that, Magnus hung up Clary's phone, and was ready to find Alec.

**

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Hey again.

**Just another thing.**

**If you guys liked the Mortal Instruments series (I mean, who doesn't?), you should check out **_**Demon's Lexicon. **_**It is of a similar taste to this, but is smaller and twisty-er. It makes my top ten, and I like it for so many reasons.**

**It doesn't seem as serious all the time, but at the same time, it is super intense. One minute I am laughing, and the next I'm hiding under my covers, asking for God to "make it didn't happen".**

**It is also one of the ten per cent of books which include a homosexual character.**

**Also, it is part of a trilogy. The second book is equally as awesome, and is called **_**Demon's Covenant. **_**Hilariousness ensues when the emotionless demon befriends the gay kid. It is highly amusing.**

**Also, there are extras for it, like the Christmas special. It was like a fanfiction, but by the actual author.**

**Check it out sometime.**

**It was written by Sarah Rees Brennan.**


	3. Killing You

**Hello good readers,**

**Thankyou for the encouragement, and in some cases, demands for updates. I actually love reading them, so keep them coming. Also, thankyou to those who said they might read **_**Demon's Lexicon.**_** It is a wicked book, and deserves recognition. Someone had, to my surprise, actually read it. You rock.**

**Also, I need to inform you that while I wait till I am several chapters ahead of you before I update, I am not keeping chapters hostage. I am saving you from myself. I am epic fail at updating. Sometimes it will take me a month. It is a sad affair… This way, I usually leave it a mere week.**

**This chapter was extremely hard to write, as I am not hard core emo. I tried, I really did, but these kind of feelings are alien to me, and I was blinded my own optimism. Sigh. There is a huge lack of dialogue, but what I wrote was try-hard meaningful.**

**Enjoy! (or… not?)**

Alec walked down the street, no longer seeing any beauty in the world.

He remembered how a young Isabelle had always exclaimed how ugly she thought the colour grey was, and how New York was simply covered in it. But Alec had always found it somehow beautiful. The way everything was so sullen, and raw. The way it was meant to be.

But now it was just depressing. _Today_, he decided, _Isabelle was right. Today, all the world is grey. And that is all that it will ever amount to._

Alec couldn't get Magnus out of his mind. He knew that he could never love anyone again. Not the same way he had loved the colourful warlock. He knew that even if he found a kind, loving man, who was smitten by him, he would always compare him to Magnus Bane. That man, whoever he would be, deserved better than him.

Everyone deserved better than him.

Alec hated it that he hadn't seen it coming. Everything had seemed so damn perfect. Magnus proclaimed his love for the shadowhunter on a regular basis. Alec remembered how he would flush every time Magnus told him of his affections, and how the warlock would laugh at him, and say, "As if you didn't know, you silly Nephilim."

But Alec was never sure. This was only proof that he was never sure. It had all fallen to pieces, and he had been too stupid to see that it was going on right in front of him.

Magnus had always carried their relationship, and Alec had always just assumed that the older boy didn't mind. Alec recalled being told that he was loved in _that _way for the first time, by Magnus. Magnus seemed to think that it was obvious. That he should have already been aware of this, but he hadn't been. He wouldn't have allowed himself to hope that someone so wonderful could ever love him.

"And you shouldn't have," Alec said into the wind, his hair wisped to the side. His steps were measured, his posture straight and his head cocked slightly to the right. "Why would he have ever loved _you._"

Alec could feel his seraph blade in its sheath, and imagined it taking all of his pain away. He didn't want to live like this.

He didn't want to live at all.

He silently entered the Institute, and looked it over.

The place where he had been raised to kill. He had never thought about it like that before, but today he was on a roll. Today, it didn't look beautiful either. It didn't look like a home, where a child would be raised to be a hard working citizen. Today, it resembled a war camp.

Alec slowly turn his head in all directions, insuring that he was not being followed, and dashed down the corridor which would lead to his suffering being taken away.

Alec didn't know why he had chosen this place. He supposed that the fact that no one would ever find him had something to do with it, but there was also something sentimental about it too. He could remember reading _Harry Potter_ to Max, even though he was old enough to read it himself. Max always refused to read any book which Alec would say was awesome, simply because if it was _that _awesome, his oldest brother would cave and read it for him.

He recalled reading of Voldemort, slicing his soul into seven pieces and proceeding to hide each piece inside of something which meant something to him or his heritage. He remembered wondering 'why'. Why would someone become sentimental when more than anything else, you want something to be hidden?

Alec knew full well that if he dumped his body in an alley somewhere, just a few cities away, no one would ever find him. There were no records at all stating that he was alive in any Mundane society. All of his health and education had taken place in the Institute. There would be no proof that an Alexander Lightwood have ever existed.

But maybe that is why he chose to come back to the Institute. Maybe he wanted a small part of himself to rest forever in a place he had once called 'home'. So that he wasn't just a mystery body. So that in the moments before he took his life, _he _would know that he was home, a place where he had belonged, even that was not the case anymore.

The shadowhunter smiled without a trace of joy as he saw that the coast was clear. He quickly walked over to the awaiting door, one which had held his attention for almost a decade.

Alec took off his leather gloves, placing them in one of his pockets, before pressing his palms against the surface of the wooden entrance. Slowly, an aura of blue outlined his hands. The boy could feel a sense of warmth in his palms as the door disappeared.

He hesitantly stepped through the entrance to the staircase, onto an uneven step, and was startled as the door reappeared.

"Just like magic," he said to himself, humourlessly. He slowly descended down the stairs, surrounded by darkness. He was glad that the door had disappeared. It has momentarily worried him that everyone would be allowed access to this place. He didn't want them to see.

The young shadow hunter smiled as he ran his fingers along the stone walls, blue jets of light emanating from his slender finger tips. Magnus had taught him several "magic tricks" in the weeks after the battle. He couldn't do anything especially useful, and was only ever shown new pieces of magic when, and only when, Magnus was in the mood, but he didn't mind. He didn't want to bore Magnus Bane. He can honestly say that he tried not to.

_Not that you succeeded, _muttered a voice in Alec's head.

He could remember Magnus when he was happy, always smiling and being _very _loud, singing praises to Chairman Meow and Alec himself. Telling the shadowhunter how lovely and magnificent he was. He would then grin, and put his hand on the boy's cheek and lean in, as though for a kiss, but he would keep leaning until he reached his ear instead, and whisper; "And that's coming from me."

He could remember him when he was stressed and irrational, occasionally snapping at Alec for small reasons and insignificant habits, only to apologise mere minutes after, begging for the forgiveness which Alec was all too willing to give him.

_Was that not what he wanted? Had he been bored all along? _Wondered Alec, stepping off the last step and finding himself surrounded by water which came up to the middle of his shins. He hesitated, but only for a moment. What would it matter if there was water around him when he "took the plunge"? In fact, it almost felt good against his skin, the coldness and the resistance was almost pleasant.

Alec softly clicked his fingers, the sound echoing through the dungeon like basement, blue light flooding through the area to reveal the cold stones and the murky waters.

Blue light.

The young shadowhunter could remember his lessons with Magnus, however brief and infrequent as they were. He recalled that he had once asked the more experienced warlock why their magic was always blue. Magnus had replied to him that it could be any colour which is desired, but that he liked it that Alec's magic was all blue. "We match," he had said, as though that had settled it. Alec had never questioned him. He had kind of liked it that they had matched as well.

Alec waded through the water, trying to avoid looking into its almost brown depth. Despite how beautiful it felt to be so cold, he was overwhelmed with what could almost be described as disgust. The water was filthy, and, in his opinion, reflected how the world was. It, too, was no longer pure.

It, too, was no longer beautiful.

The boy felt drained, almost as though it was no longer the case in which he didn't want to be forced to live through the harsh burdens of life, but as though he no longer possessed the energy to even try. But that was why he was here, wasn't it? This was what he needed. For it to all just go away.

Alec slowly drew his stele. He had thought about what he had wanted to happen.

With quivering hands, partially from a small amount of fear, though mostly due to anticipation, Alec began to draw intricate signs on both of his wrists. He briefly recalled how he had learned this rune. It was one of the most complex in existence, many shadowhunters did not even bother to learn how to use it. But he did.

He and Jace had been observing one of their parents' surprise encounters with rogue shadowhunters. His parents were reluctant to kill them, it being against many of their morals, and thus chose to draw these ruins across almost all surfaces of their bodies. When their oldest son had asked what "that one" did, they had replied that it prevented healing. Their mercy had only been to themselves. The next shadowhunters who would come across the rogue pair would have an easy fight in their grasp, for each blow received from that day on would bleed until they died.

It was, understandably, illegal to use such a mark on another shadowhunter, but his parents wouldn't get caught. The pair of rogues would be looking forward to that confrontation with the Clave even less than the Lightwoods.

Alec grinned.

He wouldn't get caught either.

He placed his stele back into his pocket, withdrawing instead his blade. He held it in his hand, staring at it, mesmerised by the shiny surface of the instrument, and the way it had been charmed to be sharper. He gently caressed its tip with his index finger, eyes widening as his skin broke, a small drop of blood forming on the surface of his skin. A minute smile of awe crossed his lips.

He gently placed the edge of the blade on the surface of his left wrist, and gently sliced across. He looked at the shallow cut on the rune in dissatisfaction, before placing it down again, this time further up his wrist. He sliced again, this time deeper, wincing as he felt the pain pulse through him.

He started to take slow breaths to calm himself down, to remember what this was for. This would end everything. No more pain. No more suffering.

It would all just go away.

It was with that thought, and the thought of Magnus Bane turning his back on him forever, that Alec took the blade in his left hand, arm pulsing with the pain of his fresh wound. With shaking fingers, he made one final cut to end it all, before crumpling in the corner.


	4. Searching For You

**Hey.**

**I am super pleased with the positive feedback for Alec's chapter. Keep the reviews coming. I love them a lot.**

**You guys are all gonna hate me. This chapter is quite tiny in comparison to the rest. But it doesn't like being called small, so let's call it 'petite'. **

**Because of this petite chapter, the next one is (I think) considerably larger, and I'll give you a tid bit of a spoiler. The next chapter is in second person, meaning **_**you **_**are Magnus Bane. Enjoy it when it comes. **

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Magnus and Clary raced through the doors of the Institute like the devil himself was at their heels, not greeting Jace as he held the door open for them, not that the blonde shadowhunter seemed to mind. In fact, it seemed as though he had been expecting it. Greetings, as everything else, were unnecessary formalities at this point in time.

The journey to the Institute had been a short one. Magnus had been acting as if in a panic attack, holding it together only just enough to create a portal to their destination in record time. Clary had been astounded at his startling pace. He had been a mess, but he was a mess with priorities.

Magnus had looked murderous when they had landed themselves a mere ten feet away from the Institute's door step, cussing under his breath as he picked himself off the ground and sprinted the extra distance, Clary at his heels. She did her best with her short, clumsy strides, but his long, sleek legs barely allowed her within three feet of him. But he really didn't care whether or not she followed, and made no effort to insure her presence was still with him.

Alec needed _him. _Somehow, Magnus could feel in his chest that he was the only one who could save Alec. Only the attacker can save the victim.

Only the spider can spare the fly.

Magnus ran down the corridors, one foot after the other, running for something worth more than his own life. Worth more than everything. He realised, however, that he had no idea where he was going. He quickly turned on his heel, seeing Jace gesturing for him to follow him, waving his hand impatiently. Magnus didn't blame him for looking at him with such distaste.

Just one wrong move could well mean the end of Alec Lightwood.

Magnus and Isabelle hadn't spoken since he had arrived, choosing instead to keep their heads down and listen to the sounds of Jace's and Clary's hushed voices as they exchanged thoughts, while not understanding anything that they were saying. Magnus was too busy remembering.

He remembered the first time he had laid eyes on the boy, at that ridiculous party. He could remember his soft, innocent eyes staring at him, somehow saying 'Come and get me' and 'I'm terrified and fragile. Leave me the hell alone.' He could remember the way Alec had managed to stumble over every single word he spoke as he tried to explain exactly why he couldn't 'call him'. But, of course, he did, didn't he?

He had called, but unlike all the others, it had come as a surprise. When you were given _Magnus Bane's _phone number, you were expected to either cry out in joy, or immediately program it into your phone, usually on speed dial. Alec wasn't like anyone else he had ever met.

Alec didn't sparkle. He didn't flare. He didn't sing, dance or even talk all that much. He _shouldn't _be exceptional. He should have been a mere 'downer', like everyone else who couldn't be described as 'Magnus-esque'. Alec's unique shyness and incomprehensible desire to blend in shouldn't have intrigued Magnus.

But it did.

It still does.

Magnus felt stupid, for bringing himself into Alec's life. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Alec had always seemed to be brighter with the warlock than when he was with anyone else. He smiled more, even if just an awkward 'I-don't-know-what-to-say' smile. A lot of people, Jace included, had told Magnus that he was the best thing for Alec, and at the time, Magnus had agreed.

Magnus knew better now.

He knew now that he was the _only _thing for Alec.

Jace continued to lead Isabelle, Clary and Magnus around several more twists and turns through the identical hallways, before stopping in front of the small door which resided almost unnoticed at the end of the hall, Isabelle shadowing her brother, her eyes scared and hollow. Jace's words suddenly came back to him. _You never see it unless you are looking for it, but it always seemed to jump out at Alec._ Magnus thought of Alec, trying so hard to hide himself from the world, trying to be normal. Perhaps Alec was always on the lookout for things that seemed to melt away in the shadows, without disappearing. Perhaps he could see these things because they were like him. Hidden away.

Magnus felt sick as he thought of Alec, always trying to conceal himself away, locked up from the world. Alec had been conservative whenever he had stayed over in the older man's apartment. He would only ever _sleep _when they shared a bed, and when things got too heated, he would cool it off before anything happened. He always tried to be discreet, whenever 'inappropriate touching' (as Alec called it) commenced, the boy would try and bring it back down to making-out, before feigning tiredness and slumping against Magnus's chest.

Once, Magnus had gotten frustrated, and refused to just give up, ignoring Alec's subtle attempts to stop. Magnus had half expected it to work. He knew that deep down, Alec wanted it too. He had hoped that Alec would lose control. But he hadn't expected Alec to go limp, before standing up and saying a quick, 'No. I'm not ready. You know that, Magnus,' before walking to the bathroom for a solitary shower, leaving Magnus shrouded in his own guilt.

The moment Alec had re-entered the room, Magnus had pounced on him, murmuring 'I'm sorry' between kisses, while Alec said that it was okay, breaking into a smile and reminding the warlock that despite the towel, he was naked. Magnus had backed off at a moment's notice, not wanting to upset Alec again.

Magnus slowly moved himself forward to the tiny door, before realising that he _most definitely _should not be moving slowly, and practically tripped over himself in order to reach the door quickly, before watching the door disappear.

Magnus could feel traces of Alec's magic which had been left behind on the door, and knew that they were on the right track. He quickly turned to Jace and began to speak, but only softly. He supposed that it didn't matter so much if the male shadowhunter failed to hear him.

"You were right."

Under ordinary circumstances, Magnus Bane would never have said something of this nature to one Jace Lightwood. Under normal circumstances, Jace would have replied with something along the lines of 'I know', or 'I usually am.' But this was not under normal circumstances, and Jace merely nodded, his expression changing from angry to murderous.

The warlock knew that underneath Jace's hard exterior, he was extremely upset. As much as Magnus hated to imagine Alec and Jace in close quarters, they had grown up together. Even if Jace had never reciprocated the feelings which the other boy had once had for him, he was proud to be Alec's parabatai. They were brothers at heart, and Jace loved him in a way that he didn't love anyone else. He didn't want to lose him either. When Jace looked like he wanted to kill something, it most likely meant that he wanted to protect someone.

Without another word, they entered the dimly lit corridor which would lead to Alec.

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Cliff hanger, huh?

**Well… *insert evil smiles* I tend to update faster when I receive a lot of reviews.**

**Just sayin'.**


	5. Finding You

**Hey.**

**I realised something when proofreading this.**

**I love to slap people way too much.**

**Within this chapter, Magnus gets slapped for a **_**second **_**time!**

**Not only that, but in my Glee fic, Sam got slapped too.**

**I have a serious problem, guys. If any of you are slapaholics too, we should arrange a meeting, all AA style.**

**Also, tell me what you think of the second person thing. I can't help but think I haven't done a very good job with it…**

You walk down the dimly path, knowing that the boy you love more than glitter itself could be waiting down the very stairs on which you walk, dead or alive. You know that it will be all your fault if he isn't alive, everything comes down to you. You knew that Alec could have done so much better, found a mortal man, who would have loved him and grow old with him, but you never even gave him a chance. Not really.

You tried at the very end. You sprinted the last few feet of a marathon, knowing that it wouldn't make any real difference, but you managed to get a pretty wicked ass stitch while you were at it. You wish now that you hadn't even bothered trying to stop loving Alec. It was an impossible task, and you knew it.

You can easily recall the night after Alec had kissed him in front of his parents, how ecstatic you had been when Alec's mother had asked where Alec would be rooming, and you had replied 'With his sexy boyfriend, where else?', and the older woman had put on a forced smile and said 'Of course, Magnus.'

You can relive that night itself, how Alec had been so nervous as he had slipped into your bed, as though he was afraid that you would kick him out. You can remember how you had crawled in next to him, pulling him as close as possible to your own body, feeling his body heat radiating onto you. You held him tightly, loving the way his heart beat against you, and the way he breathed, occasionally shuddering.

You had kissed him, first on the lips, then trailing down his jaw. Between breaths, you had asked him if he loved you. You knew that it didn't exactly sound sexy, or even husky like it was supposed to in the movies. It sounded how you felt; terribly unsure. You had been almost scared, perhaps he would say 'no', that it had all just been your imagination. You waited a while, still pressing kisses against him, but he didn't answer. You hesitantly pulled yourself away from him, and looked into his deep blue eyes.

'Well, Alec? Do you love me?'

Alec had looked at you like you were insane, before breaking into a meek smile, pressing his lips to your ear.

'I thought the question was rhetorical. Of course I love you.'

'Good,' you had said, and throughout that night, he had shouted how much he loved you over and over again. You had too. It had felt so… exquisite to know that you were done being neglected. You knew that against your better judgement, you would have done anything to make him love you.

You know that people do stupid things for love. You have seen it happen over centuries, yet you allowed yourself to become yet another fool in love, making the errors which you have seen time and time again.

You can still remember Jace, when he had once told you that his biggest fear was losing Clary. It was one of the few times he had looked serious, so you dignified him with a completely noble nod of the head. You had wondered what your biggest fear was. Of course, your parents came to mind immediately, but after a few moments of reflection, you had realised that losing Alec was the most horrible thing you could think of. Having to live without him was the salt to the wounds.

You find yourself at the bottom of the steps. You can see traces of Alec's lingering magic, blue and fading into the pitch black chamber. You blink tears from your eyes as you flick your wrist, the dungeon like room is immediately filled with a near blinding light, which reflects off the murky water.

The sight of the water makes you feel ill. You can't help but imagine Alec's bones, lying beneath the water for centuries, until someone actually came down here, by pure coincidence. They might just find him and leave him there, leaving him an unnamed corpse. Under any other circumstances, the thought would have made you throw up, but that wouldn't help anyone.

You stand there, so sure that Alec is in there, but failing to find him. You desperately run out into the water, not caring that you are getting all wet, because at this time, nothing else matters. Clary, Jace and Isabelle are close behind you, but no one knows where to look. Everything seems so hazy, nothing made sense until you heard a faint groan from the corner of the room.

For a moment, you think that you just imagined it, but when you look up, you see that the others are in similar states of shock. You and Jace are rushing across the room as identical realisation kicks in, Isabelle remaining rooted to the spot as though she can't take anymore. You don't blame her.

Clary ghosts behind Jace as you reach the drenched figure in the far off corner. You slow down and begin to approach it with caution, Jace and Clary mirroring your movements. You see that as you get closer, the water is becoming tinged with red. You are finding it harder and harder to keep your food down as the world seems to spiral out of control again.

You knew that Alec was going to do something like this, simply going by that note he left, but somewhere in your mind, there was a part of you hoping that he wouldn't. That you could save him before he made the first cut. But you didn't.

You lurch forward to Alec again, dropping to your knees beside him and picking up his weak body, placing it onto your lap. You can hear his short, almost silent breaths racking through his body, and feel like crying. You had found him. He is going to be okay. He has to be.

Isabelle has pulled herself together, and you can hear her making her way over to you. Jace is still standing, his feet shoulder width apart, as though ready to kill something. Clary is kneeling next to you, looking ill but determined. You begin looking for his wound so that you can fix him.

You guide your fingers down his pale face, his skin is cool to the touch. You wonder how far from the edge he is, and how much he wanted to fall. You can't see any evidence of harm, but you are far from relieved. You can tell he is still losing blood, and you have to stop it.

Clary seems to recognise your cause and begins searching too. She looks at his shoulder and slowly pulls his hand from beneath the water's disgusting surface. His arm falls like dead wait as she drops it on your lap after choking on a gasp. You see a rune carved into his skin, but you can't match its meaning to anything you've ever encountered. Clary turns her head to Isabelle, who has almost reached you and says in a choked voice, "You don't wanna see, Izzy."

Jace promptly looks down and sees the mark. You can see his expression flicker between anger and despair. He slowly drops to his knees and picks Alec's other arm from the water, an identical rune and cut visible on his wrist.

"Fuck…"

You look around, unsure of what the general concern is. You had saved him from a far bigger wound inflicted by a Greater Demon. You could handle this one, couldn't you? You look again at the rune. That had to be it. Whatever was wrong had to be because of that rune.

"What does it mean?"

For a while no one answers. You wish they would hurry up and tell you. The silence is deafening you, You wait another couple of seconds, before asking again. "What can I do to-"

"Nothing," came Isabelle's broken voice from behind you. You didn't realise she was there, and are somewhat startled. "There is nothing anyone can do."

You look Jace's face, which had turned savage.

"Alec, you moron. You fucking moron…"

You are getting seriously angry now. You need to know what that mark means. If there is even the slightest hope that he can be saved, for any price, you will pay most willingly.

"What the hell does the damn rune mean?"

They all turn to look at you, and you vaguely note the looks on their faces. Isabelle looks dead, like a sobbing corpse, a far cry from her usual self. Clary just looks afraid, which is better than what Jace seems to be feeling. His expression is one of contempt for you alone. You see something flash in his eyes before he pins you down, your head just managing to stay above the water. The boy laughs humourlessly.

"It means that it's over," said Jace through his teeth. "It means that Alec is gone. Dead."

You don't want to hear it.

"What does it mean?" you repeat calmly. This seems to upset Jace, as he slaps you hard across the face, before Clary takes his arm and pulls him away. He looks like he is about to say something snide again, but everyone stops what they are doing when they hear Isabelle's unusually fragile voice.

"'To never heal,'" comes her small voice. It sounds as though she is quoting something, as though she could not bear to say something so awful in her own words. "It means that Alec won't ever heal these wounds. They won't ever seal, or close. It over powers every counter rune known to exist. That's what makes the name so accurate…"

You look at Alec again, the sense of urgency heightening. He still looks beautiful. He is well and truly alive, despite his unconscious state, and it kills you to absorb the words coming from from his sister's mouth. There is a voice, and a small one at that, calling for you to acknowledge that what they say is the truth, and that your feeble questions will ultimately fail to help anyone. It whispers to you to kiss Alec goodbye, while you can still call him yours, and not a mere corpse.

You tell that voice to shut the hell up.

You close your eyes, hearing only the sound of Alec's irregular breath, and conjure forth the Book of the White. If you have any hope at all, it lays within the withered covers of the book before you.

You quickly turn to the contents page, and begin to read.

**Danke for reading!**

**Man, I wish I was like one of those super authors, who can just say "Yeah, give me fifty reviews for this chapter, and I'll give you the next one".**

**I'm too school for cool, so I'm gonna stick with my usual "You can have the next one in five to seven days from now, when I finish the one I'm working on."**

**Although… fifty reviews…**

**Highly tempting!**


	6. Remembering You

**Hey.**

**I think it's been a little while, but here is the newest chapter. You probably hate me right now. The whole 'You leave us in suspense, then give us **_**this**_** piece of work?'**

**Yeah, this is sort of a siblings type view of the situation. I actually kind of like this chapter. Jace actually has feelings which aren't all about Clary.**

**Who knew?**

**Has anyone read City of Fallen Angels yet? I read it in two days. It rocked.**

**But I have to admit, it wasn't my favourite… or even close to my favourite.**

**There is a little too much Clary/Jace, and I was a tad disturbed when they were sitting together, half naked.**

**The Malec, however, was excellent (not biased at all). Who else loved jealous Alec? It was awesome. **

***SPOILER ALERT***

**Also, Magnus's 'There won't be a next time' and his not accepting Alec's mortality was so romantic (imagine me saying that in a southern American accent, except it still has my silly Australian accent). **

Jace glared at Alec's still, pale face. He hated everything about the situation. The way he had been the _last _of them to know, as if it was assumed that he cared any less than Isabelle or Clary. He cared a _lot _about Alec. They were more than just friends. More, even, than brothers, yet everyone assumed that he cared about him significantly less than Isabelle did.

Jace hated himself, too. Not that he would ever admit that there were aspects of his past and present that he despised. He knew that he was not the 'golden boy'. Over the last couple of months, he had become moody, and taken it out on the people he loves; especially Alec.

Isabelle seemed to think that he took his frustration out upon his older brother because he was an easy target. Despite his emotional shields, the Lightwoods had come to recognise that Alec was in a 'tough spot' owing to the fact that he was hiding himself from the people he loved most, as well as himself; the person he hated the most.

He hadn't known what to do about Alec. Everyone seemed aware of his debacle, but somehow, he felt like his situation was different. Isabelle had always just _known_. Apparently her gaydar was on full throttle ever since a boy had dumped her for a guy. It had been a rough time for all of them... Isabelle had at one point stated 'So what if he is gay? I should be hot enough to make up for it!'

Clary had known too, and had even confronted him about it, even if it only proceeded to upset Alec. This wouldn't have been so bad. It was perfectly acceptable for him to keep the information to himself. His parents had never asked Alec of his sexual preference, why should he have to? What's more, he is a guy. Guys don't talk about stuff like that. Except Simon had talked to Alec. Simon! He of all people had brought up 'that' topic with Alec, without being punched in the face.

This had upset Jace. He had known about Alec's 'predicament' for a long time. It wasn't new information to him, even when Isabelle had come into his room, crying in the middle of the night when she was thirteen. Sobbing because she didn't know what to do about Alec. She hadn't told him exactly what was wrong, but he was able to decipher words 'his eternal soul' and 'What will our parents say?'. He had known before, but at that moment he was certain.

He had also known that Alec thought that he had a crush on him not long after Isabelle's episode. He couldn't pinpoint when he had first noticed, but he gradually began to see Alec blushing around him more often, and becoming more and more flustered whenever Jace gave him even the slightest compliment.

He knew.

But he had waited so long to confront him. _Perhaps, _Jace thought, _I enjoy the attention. _He had to admit it. He liked the way Alec would guard him, as though he was actually precious. He liked the way Alec would always be nice to him, no matter how mean he was, or how bad his own day had been. It had made him feel special, and he didn't mind Alec hanging around, so it was okay. He felt good when he was with Alec, as though the boy somehow built him up. But he had always felt guilty when he remembered that Alec was only doing this because he had a crush on him.

But one day it hit him that he _wasn't_ special. Alec treated him the way he did not because of his romantic intentions, but out of platonic affections. He treated Isabelle and Max in exactly the same way. He would protect them like they were precious, too. He was kind to them no matter what. He tried to build them up, because that was just the way Alec functioned.

He knew that he was wrong, but Jace had felt almost… betrayed? Upset? He couldn't even think of a word for what he had felt.

He knew that somewhere, deep down, he had felt jealous. It was completely irrational jealousy, of course, but he had felt it all the same. He wanted to be treated like he was the _best. _Someone's _favourite._ It was around the time that he thought about these feelings consciously that Jace realised what an idiot he was. Alec wasn't in love with him. The looks and blushes were real, but the love was not. Jace knew that he had nothing on Magnus Bane.

So of course, after all his good thinking, he had screwed up his Alec acceptance speech, and turned it into a 'I'm cranky, so you might as well know that I know you get hot for boys and think you have a crush on me, so pucker up, big boy, cause I'm gonna rock your world so it tilts to Magnus' speech. When he looked back on it, Jace always wished that he had hugged Alec. Alec had always secretly liked hugs. Maybe he had always had acceptance issues, but Jace had never failed to see Alec's eyes light up whenever someone embraced him. Of course, he would try to back away at first, but it was easy to see that he secretly loved knowing that someone cared so much about him. Jace had snorted at this thought. _Alec is so easy to please, but no one feels the need to put in the effort. _After this thought, there was a silent 'Magnus' at the end.

Jace wished so badly that he had said that it was okay. Anything, really. Anything that would have made Alec feel happy. But he hadn't. Because Jace couldn't be bothered. Because _Jace _already accepted him in his mind, years ago, so why bother comforting him now?

Jace had a lot of regrets. That was just the tip of the ice berg. He regretted the way he had treated Alec. He had taken him for granted, and he wished that he could have thanked, rather than push him away so bluntly for so many years.

So, despite Isabelle's belief that he took his frustration out on Alec because of his previously gaping vulnerability, Jace had to tell her the truth. He didn't spite his brother because he knew that he would never fail to accept his excuses for his anger, or for his ability to see the best in the worst people.

Jace, although he hates himself for doing it now, had taken his anger out upon Alec so many times simply because he loved him. Because he had trusted Alec to love him back, despite his often petty arguments. Because he wanted Alec to be his equal, and wanted him to see all sides of him, and still love him back.

Jace let a sole tear roll down his cheek.

_I wish I had thanked you. I wish that just once, I had told you how much it meant to me that you always stood by me. _

_You were one of the few who did._

Isabelle eyed Magnus Bane. She knew that Jace would maintain that he hated the warlock, but she couldn't bring herself to feel the same way. Magnus had been the best thing to ever happen to her brother, and she couldn't bring herself to hate him because he made one deadly mistake when she had made one of a similar magnitude herself.

Max.

She hated it that when she looked back upon his death, she was able to see ample opportunity to save him. It wasn't meant to be like that! When Jace had attempted to comfort her, he had eventually become frustrated, and yelled at her 'What could you have done differently? Could _anything _have been changed?' Those words were meant to bring comfort to her. She was meant to realise that she had indeed done everything in her power to save Max, but it had only upset her further. There were so many things she could have done. There were infinite chances for her to save her younger brother, but she didn't take them. She had to help Alec, no matter what it took.

She bent down further, and began stroking Alec's hair, as though it would somehow help the situation. Alec looked so dead, so very lifeless, and she wished that she wasn't so useless. That she could help for once.

She leaned in further, for no other reason but to hear her oldest brother breathe, to remind her that there was hope. That he still had a chance, and that all was not lost. She began to whisper into his ear, not caring if anyone heard. Not caring if Alec himself heard.

"I-I love you Alec. We all…" Isabelle trailed off, gazing at Magnus, who was muttering in Lilith at the book, looking as though he would collapse at any given moment. Magnus caught her eye, and forced the right side of his mouth up. If it was indeed intended as a smile, he was about as cheery as a homeless clown, but he nodded, as though prodding her to finish her sentence as the silence rang heavily in the air. "We all love you, _so _much. And no matter what, you still have me. Damn it, Alec, you still would have had me. And Jace. And mum and dad. We all…"

Isabelle was becoming somewhat hysteric again, and broke down into sobs. She wished that she could have been enough for Alec. He had a family outside of Magnus Bane, but he chose to do _this _anyway…

Clary came over and knelt beside Isabelle, placing a hand on her back before telling her that it is 'okay'. Isabelle couldn't stand it anymore.

"What part of this is 'okay'? How the hell is any of this 'okay'?" Isabelle cried out. It wasn't out of anger at Clary, but at something else entirely.

Anger at the world for making her witness two of her brothers die, right in front of her?

Anger at Magnus for not being able to just make Alec happy?

Or maybe she wasn't angry at all. Maybe she was just scared, and frightened like the rest of the world. Isabelle and Jace had always brought everything back to being angry, because it fuelled you to kill. It was the logical choice for a shadowhunter, but it had never been Alec's choice. Granted, he could be a little moody, but that was really all. He fought and killed out of duty, to protect people and not for fun.

He ran a constant risk of being hauled down by emotions, simply because he let them be, even just to fester. But Alec had kept them in check at all times. Somehow. Somehow, he had managed to be so different, yet sink into the background. It made little sense to everyone involved.

Sometimes Isabelle wished that she was like Alec. He was afraid. He was shy. He was relatively lame for a shadowhunter, but he was someone to be inspired by. She sometimes wished that she _had _looked up to him more. He was sensible and Jace was fun. He fretted and Jace partied. Alec was a scared gay shadowhunter and Jace pretended to be carefree. Needless to say, she had usually picked Jace's side over Alec's, but she had always assumed that he knew how much she loved him.

Without him, she would be dead so many times over.

She just wished that he could know how much she will _always _love him.

So much.

**I know this chapter wasn't as rockin' as the others, but please review, because the next one is action packed, and over 3,000 words. I wish I could get, like, ten reviews on this *hint, hint*.**


	7. Saving You

**Thanks to everyone who is still reading my amazingly slow paced story.**

**I know I've said this about some of the others, but this is my favourite chapter. I kind of make Jace look like a jerk, but it is coming from a good place.**

**Also, a recommendation. Anyone into anime? *raises hand* Anyone into Japanese dramas? *looks baffled***

**I never thought I would say it, but watched a Japanese drama, and fell in love.**

**If anyone is interested, it is called "Tumbling" and actually made me cry. If you think this is touching, watch this show. It's like **_**Glee**_**, but better. All guys. In gymnastics outfits. Sometimes taking baths together while maintaining (for the most part) that they are straight. Look it up. I think there is actually a site where you can watch it for free online.**

**Also, some interesting (totally not interesting) trivia. While this fic is labelled "Changing the Equation", it is actually labelled "Tonight" on my laptop. Why? If you can recall, 'tonight' is the first word of the story, and when someone was looking at my laptop, I just quickly saved it as "Tonight".**

**After much wait…**

Magnus rifled through the pages of the spell book, cursing himself for not having read the book through its entirely before this ordeal. It would have made this situation a great amount less agonising.

Occasionally, the warlock would swear in the language of the Lilith when pages stuck together. Why couldn't the world just swallow him up and save Alec from death.

And save Alec from Magnus himself.

Magnus was crying, his vision becoming increasingly blurred. The pages became more and more difficult to read, which made Magnus cry even more, hating himself for the felony he had committed.

He knew that he had not killed Alec, but he couldn't help feel like he had presented the boy with a knife. What had he thought would happen? Alec would scamper off into the wide world, find a suitable partner and forget about him while he wallowed in his apartment, only taking happiness from the knowledge that he had helped his true love find a second best?

No, and Magnus knew the truth now.

He had wanted to say that he had tried, more than anything else. To say that he had made the effort, and that it hadn't worked out. That their love was too strong to be forever apart, and that they were bound in a way that couldn't be undone. He had _hoped _that they would get back together again.

It wasn't a test, Magnus knew himself well enough to know that he wasn't that snide, but it had been almost as horrible. It had been him attempting to present himself as 'mature' and 'sophisticated'. That he knew what was best for Alec, and that he wasn't afraid to put his love's needs before his own desires.

It had been extremely unintelligent.

Magnus remembered hearing Alec's parents talking about him when they had believed that he was out of hearing range. He had not been able to decipher all of their conversation, but he probably wouldn't have wanted to. He had heard the words 'immature', 'obnoxious', 'inconsiderate' and worst of all; 'it will never work out'.

It wasn't so much that Alec's own father had said it. Robert was renowned for having issues with his son's choice in men; _men_ being the key word. He had his issues, but he would have come around, although Magnus had the feeling that he would never be able to respect the shadowhunter. Magnus had lost count of the times he would find Alec with tears in his eyes after heated phone calls with his father on the nights he stayed with him at his apartment. The warlock hadn't even realised what was happening until he walked in on Alec while he was showering, hoping to surprise him. He had found the boy sitting at the bottom of the shower, sobbing shamelessly as the sound of the water falling muffled his gasps. Magnus hadn't even bothered to unclothe himself before he had slipped into the shower next to his upset Nephilim, feeling frantic for what must have been the thousandth time since having met Alec.

No, it wasn't that Robert had said it. It was that he had been thinking it, and he had come to realise that everyone else saw his relationship in the light of something temporary. He yearned to prove them wrong, every last one of them, but everything had crumbled before him.

Magnus felt like throwing the White book into the water for all of the help it was providing him, each second wasted stomping on the warlock's stomach, making him feel extremely ill.

No one could possibly have hated themselves as Magnus did at that moment without being in a condition much like Alec's. Magnus agreed with Robert, for once, in that he was immature, obnoxious and inconsiderate. Alec wasn't a possession to be messed with. He was…

There weren't words.

Nothing could possibly describe exactly what Alec meant to Magnus, nor how it felt to have him ripped away from him by his own hand.

The others were all crowded around Alec now, drenched by water and tears. Isabelle was holding her brother, occasionally whispering to him, as though he could still hear her through the dark haze of unconsciousness.

Jace kept a little extra distance from his brother, but if you looked hard enough you could see that he was holding Alec's hand in his own, like a life line. It was bordering on being sweet. The blond shadowhunter no longer looked furious, but rather pleading and impatient as his jaw clenched and unclenched to an unknown rhythm.

Clary merely appeared out of place. She loved Alec, she did, but she couldn't help but wish to leave. No one could help Magnus, that much was certain, but even the dying shadowhunter's siblings would shy away from her help. Isabelle would probably slap her if she tried to come near her, and Jace looked so thoroughly out of his usual element that it seemed almost too dangerous to approach him. Magnus would have pitied the poor thing, had it not been for the fact that she ranked one millionth on his list of priorities, right after 'Save Alec, Save Alec, Save Alec…'

Suddenly, Magnus's heart stopped. His whole body shuddered in anticipation as he held the Book of White in his quivering hands. There in front of him was a spell. A spell which could save Alec, if the circumstances stood correctly. Time seemed to stand still.

Magnus turned to Jace and showed him the page with the wonder spell. It wasn't definite, but it remained a possibility. Jace shot him a scowl.

"Not everyone is so unfortunate as to speak the language of the Lillith," he hissed, coldly. His eyes were holding back tears as he watched his older brother lay dying in the pools of water. Magnus would have been taken aback, but he was too… hopeful.

"It's a spell… to save Ale-"

"Stop it!" screamed Jace, surprising Magnus significantly. "Stop pretending you know the answer. Stop pretending you have any clue what to do, or even what this is."

Jace was breathing in heavily, exhausted emotionally and somewhat drained. Magnus knew his words were true, but even if there was the smallest, faintest hope that this could work, he had to try. He would never forgive himself if he didn't.

He would never forgive himself if he did.

"I-I have to try. I have to do something." Jace looked unconvinced. Magnus sighed, before speaking again, "What if this was Clary? What would you do?"

"Why would it be any different, Downworlder?" Jace's voice was ice cold, and Magnus actually flinched, but didn't dignify this with a response. Jace proceeded to speak. "Is it because you think I don't love him? Well I do, and I-"

Magnus had had enough. This was wasting time.

"You love him, but you aren't in love with him. When someone you love is dying, you pray to God that someone can help them, that they will get better." Magnus shoved Jace to the side. "When someone you are in love with is dying, you damn well verbally abuse God until they get better. Alec isn't Clary, and you love him, but it isn't the same. It's not enough."

"You bastard! What right do you have to even say these things?" shouted Jace, infuriated, wishing to hurt Magnus as much as humanly (or inhumanly) possible. His next words did exactly that. "It's your fault he is dying. It is _your _fault I'm losing my last brother, and it is your fault Alec is in excruciating pain right now! I can't save him? Yeah, you're right. Nobody can. But if nothing else, I will enjoy watching your heart being torn to pieces as you watch _my brother_ die, thinking that you hate him, thinking that you wanted nothing to do with him, and wouldn't bat a glittery eye if he died."

Everything went silent. Clary stopped moving around in the murky water and sobbing. Isabelle ceased her one sided conversation with Alec and Magnus froze, looking at the blond shadowhunter with wide eyes.

Jace regretted those words immediately. They were… savage. They held so much venom that he feared Magnus may pass out, but the man surprised him.

Magnus knew everything Jace had said was true, but it made him feel so much worse.

_You practically gave him the knife,_ said a voice in his head. _You deserve to feel everything you do._

Usually, under such circumstances, Magnus's head would produce a second voice, telling him that what he had done was from a good place, and was substantially worried when the voice never replied.

He pushed everything to the side, trying to turn himself onto autopilot. He didn't have time for this.

Alec didn't have time for this!

"_To the same brink," _Magnus translated softly, tears falling down his cheek, his voice shaky. He read from the Book of the White, not caring if anyone knew what he was talking about. "_When a client has a loved one who is moments away from death's clutches, this spell can be put to use. This rare piece of magic is seldom used, as it requires an exceptionally powerful warlock, and an exceedingly great amount of knowledge in conjunction with the client and warlock. This is placed upon the client, who must then carry on the rest of the ceremony upon their lover on their own. The two must be," _Magnus let out a long, quivering sigh, before swallowing and resuming, "_The two must be in true love for this spell to take effectiveness. If this is completed accurately, the lifespan of the client will be halved, giving one half to their dying partner. The client will consequently bear half of their lover's burden."_

"Half…" came Clary's voice, trailing off.

"Half of _eternity_." The word hung in the air for a few moments, until Magnus resumed, feeling as though he owed Alec's siblings an explanation. "I-if I can follow the instructions, I should be able to…"

"What if you can't?" It was Jace who spoke, shocking everyone.

"What's the difference?" Magnus retorted, fury building up. "Then he will die after we've tried our hardest. If we just leave him, if we just let him go, we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives."

_I will have to live with it forever._

"Go. Now. Save Alec," said Isabelle, sounding somewhat more like herself. "Ignore Jace, he's arguing for the sake of it. He wants you to do this too. And… if he doesn't," Isabelle stopped again, only to force herself to speak her most dreaded words, "If he protests, I will _not _refrain from using my blood relationship with Alec as a trump card."

More silence. Jace was looking at his hands, thinking about what he had said. He had been wrong to say those things, no matter how angry he was. He was not an animal. He had more than instinct, and it must have been the by the influence of a higher power that caused Jace to speak next.

"_Please_," said Jace, the words sounding choked and seldom used, "Please do whatever you can for him."

That was all the invitation Magnus needed to run over to Alec's dead looking body, almost tripping over himself to do so, and plonk down by his lover's side. He grabbed Alec's hand, ignoring the blood which was still oozing from his wrist, hesitating slightly. He turned back to see the others, sitting back down beside him once more.

"There's a chance," he murmured, "that both of us will die. Jace, I need you to call Maryse and Robert immediately to retrieve Alec when I'm done, and me too if you can. He will need blood, badly, and anything else you can give him."

Jace hastily dialled his mother's phone number, tripping over the numbers several times before he was able to make the call. Magnus began the enchantment.

The warlock spoke in his other tongue, his voice sounded low and powerful. Despite his soft pitch, it still seemed to ring throughout the lost warlock's den. The only other notable noise was the sound of Jace trying to negotiate with his parents, attempting in vain to put the phrase 'Your eldest son has tried to top himself because his idiot of a downworlder boyfriend broke up with him. Yeah, he's lying in a room only warlocks can enter, bleeding to death. I'll be sure to open the door for you,' in a somewhat kinder way, only to fail and say almost exactly that. Magnus pitied Maryse.

Once the enchantment upon himself was complete, Magnus put his legs on either side of Alec's still body. He wondered how many times they had been in exactly the same position. Of course, all those times Alec had been squirming beneath him, unsure of what to do.

It had always bothered Alec how new to 'this' he was. Magnus had once come back to his apartment and found Alec looking extremely upset, like something was gnawing away at his mind. Of course, the High Warlock of Brooklyn had planned on cheering his little shadowhunter up, and had pressed his lips to Alec's after striding meaningfully across the room. The kiss had lasted a short while, until Alec had broken it off midway through, when Magnus had started 'touching' him.

Magnus had been in an identical position to his current one, on the couch with the shadowhunter, attempting to reengage him in another kiss. Alec only turned his head, looking miserable. 'Why do you even bother?' he had asked.

That had broken Magnus's heart just a little bit. Bother with what? The words cut into the warlock, for he had heard them many times before. Why does he bother dating if everyone will just die? Why would he try to fall in love? But Alec continued.

'Why do you bother with me, like this? I… kind of suck.'

Magnus was somewhat shocked. Alec was… everything he wanted. He was the _only _person he had ever wanted to spend eternity with, and he wanted it bad.

'If I have given you the impression that you "suck", then I apologise.'

'No!' Alec replied quickly. 'No it's just…'

Alec had covered his face with his hands, mumbling something into them which Magnus had been unable to hear.

'What was that, sweetie?'

Alec pulled his hands away and looked up into Magnus's eyes, his own shining in the light. He took a deep breath before he spoke again.

'You… you make me feel _really _good. Y-you know how to hold me, and… and touch me. You know how to make _me _feel like I'm perfect, and that I'm exactly what you want, but I have no idea how to make _you _feel like this.' He took in another breath, looking at his own hands rather than Magnus, whose eyes had widened in shock. 'I want to. I want so badly to be able to do all the things you do for me, but it doesn't come naturally. I don't want to be able to just tell you how I feel. I want to _show _you, but I wouldn't even know where to start. Despite how much I love you, I won't even put out…'

Alec had trailed off, finally meeting the warlock's eyes. Magnus had been severely stunned, so much so that he found himself unable to speak.

'Magnus…' Alec finally said, if only to break the growing silence.

'You're perfect,' Magnus had announced. 'Maybe I should have said it more often, but you are perfect, Alec. The reason why I hold you and,' the ghost of a smirk flitted onto Magnus's lips, 'touch you is because I love you, and I hope that you love me enough to let me do the things I do. Do you think that I do not enjoy making you squeal? That I don't like making you happy? Alec, it isn't a hindrance for me to do those things.'

'It's not the same. You do things with the sole purpose of giving me… _p-pleasure._'

The word sounded foreign to Alec's lips, and Magnus had stifled a giggle, but soon sobered.

'One day, you will be ready,' came the warlock's voice, sounding like a purr, 'to let me have my wicked way with you. You will be _ready_, and it will be beautiful. We will always remember it, because it will be one of our best memories.'

Alec had looked back up to him, a hopeful expression forming on his face as Magnus began trailing kisses down his jaw and proceeding down his neck, occasionally stopping to mark his shadowhunter in a way which was different to any of the black, swirling marks on Alec's body.

But now Magnus leaned over Alec for an entirely new and terrible reason; to bring Alec back from what was nearly an eternal slumber.

The warlock bent his head over Alec's left wrist, stomach squirming as he gazed at the continuous flow of blood. _Kiss all wounds, preparing to take half your lover's burden_, the book had read. Magnus wiped away some of the blood with his long, slender fingers, and pressed his lips to the deep cut. A small blue light flashed in Alec's wound, signifying that the spell was working. Magnus quickly repeated this process on his other wrist, his lips smeared with Alec's blood.

_Kiss their heart, for that is where you must always reach. _Alec was wearing a plain, black shirt, his trademark sweater abandoned at Clary's house. Magnus tore it open without a trace of hesitation, and pressed his lips once more to the shadowhunter's flesh, hearing his heart still beating.

_Press your lips to your other half's, signifying that you are ready. _Magnus thought about this as he leaned forward. He would always be ready to do anything for Alec, whenever he needed him. Before he pursued the final kiss, he pressed his mouth to Alec's ear, whispering the words he had said time and time again to his little shadowhunter.

Magnus's lips met Alec's, a final blue light appearing as they made contact before Magnus too fell unconscious, praying that what he had done would save Alec rather than kill them both. His last words still rang throughout the chamber, like a ghost in everyone's ears.

"You're perfect."


	8. Mothering You

**Hey!**

**Thanks for all of the positive reviews for the last chapter. Yes, I kinda left you in a tid bit of suspense, and may deserve to be "Hated as much as Valentine and Sebastian's incestuous mpreg child", as one reviewer put it (it is now one of my favourite insults!).**

**This chapter isn't my favourite, but it had to be written. I won't go so far as to say that it is a filler, because 'filler' implies that it is unnecessary and 'fun'.**

**Ladies and gentlemen (gentlemen? If there are any lovely gentlemen reading this, could you review to tell me so. And are you gay, or curious?), this was not fun to write. It was actually my most difficult. **

**As usual, reviews are always appreciated.**

Maryse held the phone in her long, slender fingers as loud beeps sounded, signifying that Jace had hung up on her. Jace, who had just told her that her eldest son was lying in what can most accurately be described as a sewer, had dropped the phone into the shallow, murky waters of the ancient looking room.

Alec's mother had heard the whole thing. Magnus was in the background warning Isabelle of some sort of hazard. She had even heard Clary, of all people, stifle a cough over the sounds of the unsettled water. She had vaguely heard Jace's instructions, her legs forcing her to sprint down a series of identical hallways, but she had been listening for Alec, in hope that she would hear his breath, a gasp. A single sign of life.

None had come.

She had heard Magnus say something to her son, and felt a ball of fury rising in her chest. Where had he been? Where had he been when Alec had, as Jace had put it so eloquently, 'tried to top himself'? Magnus was meant to be everything Alec had ever wanted and needed.

Maryse knew that most people wouldn't see Magnus the way she saw him. To everyone else, he looked like a nineteen year old _boy _rather than an eight hundred year old _man_. People seemed to see Magnus as a partying teenager, learning from mistakes like any other youth, trying to find himself in what is a short and unpredictable life. But she couldn't bring herself to view the warlock in such a manner.

To her, Magnus should have known better than to get Alec's hopes up in the first place. He should have known better than to insist on a relationship doomed to fail.

But most importantly, he should have known better than to hurt Alec the way he had.

Maryse, in all honesty, could feel her world crashing down in front of her very eyes. She had a sham of a marriage. She was scarcely there for Isabelle when she needed her, and even worse, had decided to tell her about Robert's affair. She had lost her youngest child.

Max.

Max, for her, had stood for something that shadowhunters seem to lose at a very young age: Innocence. He was still pure in ways his siblings weren't, and it had been somewhat comforting for Maryse, but now he was gone.

And now Alec.

Alec.

The name kept flashing through her mind, like some sort of virus. She could remember Alec when he was so young. He was lovely in an entirely different way to any child she had ever seen. He had been almost silent a majority of the time, afraid of interrupting a world which he was too young to understand, and shied away the idea of fighting. He had always been responsible for everyone, pushing his emotions away as he fought battles because of what he was, rather than who he was. He had been trapped for a while, unsure of what to do.

She had seen it, the way it appeared to force Alec into his work, trying to hide himself from the world.

Robert had seen it too.

Maryse slowed her strides momentarily.

She had been glad, at the time, that Magnus had noticed him. She had hoped that he could take him under his wing, teach him what no shadowhunter could possibly do on their own: to love. Of course, she hadn't been hoping that Magnus would fall in deep man love with her oldest son, but she supposed that it was an even trade. For her son's happiness, it seemed right that Magnus should be permitted to seek love wherever he found it.

To Maryse, it currently appeared to be to the likes of a virgin sacrifice rather than anything as beautiful as 'love'.

At that moment, Maryse stopped running altogether. She held her phone in her hands again and called the infirmary wing, for stretches and aid, telling them to hurry 'or else'.

Once the call had ended, Maryse strode down the corridor until she had finally reached the small open door.

Magnus Bane had a hell of a lot to answer to.

Isabelle looked at Magnus's limp body. He had fallen on top of Alec's chest without a trace of his usual grace. They actually looked somewhat beautiful together, just lying there in an almost peaceful manner. She nearly felt like looking away in order to give them a private moment together, but reality quickly conquered such notions.

Jace was the first to recover from the huge intensity of Magnus's spell, and immediately pulled Magnus off of Alec, lifting the warlock almost effortlessly over his shoulder before shooting an impatient look at his sister.

"Well? Pick Alec up. Unless you wanna carry Magnus?"

Isabelle looked up from her daze, before positioning Alec on her back with much difficulty. He was like dead weight, refusing to stay in a constant position at any given time. Isabelle almost wished that she had requested to carry Magnus, despite his taller frame. It would have broken her heart just that little bit less.

Clary felt useless once more as she stood forgotten in the shadows. She wished, like she did so often, that she had the faintest idea what she should do. She yearned to be able to prove herself to Jace, but the opportunities never arose for her to demonstrate her value in such a way.

At that moment, however, her thoughts were startled by the sound of Maryse's call.

"Alec?"

The three teenage shadowhunters froze, Isabelle jumping slightly at the sound of her mother's voice, before racing up uneven stairs to reach the surface. Jace and Clary were at her heels.

"H-he's here," Isabelle stammered out.

Maryse's mouth went agape for a moment, her thoughts scattering as her breath came out unusually ragged. For the Lightwood children to see their mother in such a way was rare to say the least.

Alec's mother continued to look at the limp boy's pale, ghost like face in horror.

"He's alive." It was Jace who spoke, his voice tight and filled with tension. "He should make it. Magnus performed some sort of spell to help him."

While there was so much more to say, so much more for Maryse to hear, Jace didn't seem to be in the mood for chatter.

Mayrse took a step closer to her dark haired son, placing a shaking hand on his dead white cheek, feeling the way it was cold to the touch and sharply retracted her hand, still staring at Alec.

"My God… Alec," Maryse was whispering to Alec, reminding Clary of Isabelle's previous one way conversation with the fallen shadowhunter. "Why would you… how could you…?"

Jace's jaw suddenly clenched.

"Ask Magnus Bane." Jace's voice was far from steady, wavering as he said the warlock's name. "Ask Magnus Bane why he told Alec that he didn't love him anymore and requested not to see him again. Ask Magnus Bane why the hell he thought that he had the right to hurt Alec the way he did. And while you're at it, ask Magnus Bane what he plans to do with Alec if he does wake up."

If.

Isabelle and Clary shuddered at the words tumbling from Jace's mouth, the blond shadowhunter looking deadly again as Magnus's blood spilled through the strips of Isabelle's jacket they had used to cover his wounds. Magnus had been brave, to take even a portion of the depths of Alec's cuts. The spell had seemed so miraculous at first. They had watched in awe as Alec's self-inflicted wounds actually became more shallow, the blood flow slowing. Of course, then they had seen the effects upon Magnus, and the situation didn't seem all that fantastic.

Isabelle had felt like screaming at Magnus for risking his life like that. He had known what would happen, that he might die, but he had done it anyway. The worst part was the thoughts that must have been going through Magnus's mind.

Alec had looked like a lost cause; a corpse in the making. But Magnus was willing to risk everything he had to do what was right. Isabelle had been so proud of him, but then remembered why Alec was in his current condition, and the pride shrunk a considerable amount.

But it was still there. She still loved Magnus as an almost brother, and no matter what, she wasn't going to let his sacrifice go to waste.

Maryse looked alarmed at Jace's words, mouth momentarily agape, and was about to speak when Isabelle's deadly calm voice interrupted.

"We can discuss Magnus, and anything else, later. They _both_ need attention from the Silent Brothers."

Without another word, the now youngest Lightwood pushed her mother aside and exited the doorway with her brother on tow. Jace promptly followed, looking as though he wanted more than anything else to drop Magnus, but he resisted the urge with admirable control.

The four Lightwoods and Clary quickly made their way to the infirmary, praying to the angel that the two boys would survive this so tragic turn of events.


	9. Talking to You

**Hey.**

**It took me a while, but this chapter is done.**

**I really like it that it has Simon in it. You all may hate me, but the next one is Magnus and Jace centric. But I would like to put it out there that Jace being there makes it even better.**

**Also, to all the fellow Gleeks out there, have you all seen the promo for "Rumours"? I have. So here is a little discussion paragraph. If you have any idea of the sweet goings on in "Rumours" between Kurt and Sam, please tell me in the form of a review.**

**While I personally ship Kurt and Sam, I really do not think it is gonna happen, simply because the promo gives off that vibe way too much. Also, it has been emphasised that Sam's siblings are gonna be brought into play, which I think is the whole reason Kurt is meeting Sam in the motel.**

**My hypothesis is: Sam has a gay little brother, and he gets Kurt to talk to him. I mean, do any of you remember when Sam seemed offended by Finn, and said "I didn't know you had a problem with gay dudes."? Doesn't it make sense why he was so offended if my theory is correct?**

**Just putting it out there; raise your hand if you shrieked with laughter when Sam tried to feel Finn's puffy pyramid nipples. *raises hand***

**So, post in if you have anything to add… man. I feel stupid for discussing this here. Sorry to you non Gleeks.**

**Enjoy the sweet angst!**

* * *

When Alec woke up, he felt the most unpleasant feeling in all of his experience. It wasn't so much pain per se. It was more like an intense amount of discomfort. His back felt stiff as a board, all the muscles feeling as though they were interlocked. He felt hungry, and thirsty and… numb.

He felt so numb.

Like everything but his aching body had disappeared from existing. Everything was black, and gone.

Was this what it was like to die?

Could he move?

Would he see Max?

Questions kept circling through his mind, and Alec found himself losing focus, for there were too many.

He had to wake up. He had to move, and open his eyes and…

The thought kept slipping away, but the shadowhunter forced himself to think.

_Wake up._

_Move._

_How do you know you can't until you try?_

Alec's breath hitched as he began to pry his eyes open, his lids feeling too heavy to lift. But he had to try.

_You can do it, Alec._

Alec gave a start, his eyes flying open in a single motion. It hadn't been his voice he had heard inside his head. To his horror, it had been Magnus's.

Magnus.

He was dead, and he still wasn't over Magnus. That was his sole purpose, trying to escape the world, and Magnus's voice still floats into his mind in his times of need. Magnus is still his motivation. Alec felt like crying out, as nothing he had done had prevailed. His sole objective had slipped away into what could be an existence filled with longing thoughts of the love he had lost.

The world had suddenly turned white as Alec had opened his eyes, nothing in focus as he wondered, vaguely, if this was heaven. That thought, of course, was immediately obliterated as he locked eyes with Simon.

The vampire was leaning over him, his brown hair swept forward to reveal the mark of Cain. He seemed distraught, tears falling down his pale white skin as he stared into Alec's cloudy blue eyes. He seemed to be in pain, but at the same time relieved. Alec opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when he realised that he had nothing to say. Naturally, it was Simon who broke the silence.

"You're… alive?"

Alec grimaced. What a very Simon thing to ask of a boy with a heartbeat, who had just opened his eyes.

"Was I dead earlier?" rasped Alec, glaring up at Simon. It seemed to take Simon a second to comprehend that he had spoken.

"I mean, no but this…" Simon trailed off, seeming unaware how to speak. Alec wondered if Mundanes did that, but remembered that Simon was a vampire. Alec was pretty sure that vampires knew how to speak. Most words, anyway. "They weren't expecting you to… I mean, after a day, they thought…"

The words sunk in. _After a day_. Had he really been lost for a day?

Alec chose to change the topic before he screamed. He had been _that _close, but irony had screwed with him again. He was mortal enough to die without Magnus, but not mortal enough to ease his own pain?

"What are _you _doing here anyway?" Alec had intended the words to sound more vicious, but they hardly sounded threatening at all.

"Well… the other guys stayed here all of yesterday. Your mother forced Isabelle to get some rest. Jocelyn followed her lead and did the same to Clary," explained Simon in a hollow voice. "For a while, I thought Jace was glued to your side, but eventually him and your mum had a screaming match, and he lost. I think he's with Magnus…"

Alec's eyes widened. Why would he be with Magnus?

_No. Don't think about him. Don't torture yourself._

Alec was relieved that it was his own voice that spoke to him, rather than Magnus's.

"How the hell did you get in, Daylighter?" He felt like Jace, trying to hurt Simon's feelings rather than facing his own. It wasn't helping, nor did it seem to offend Simon at all.

"You're in the Sanctuary. Maryse didn't want you in with the other patients…"

There was something off about the way Simon said 'other patients' which made Alec curious. Simon seemed to be tip toeing around eggshells trying not to frighten or offend Alec.

"Why?"

The question seemed to hang in the air for sever moments, before Simon spoke again.

"What happened with you and Magnus?" Simon asked quietly. Alec gave him a blank, startled look. He quickly continued. "Magnus and Maryse are fighting about whether or not he should visit you, and no one is really telling me what's up, so…"

Alec sighed and glanced at the floor. Why would his mother force Magnus to visit him?

"He… he… I mean, I guess," Alec was struggling with the words, and Simon looked as though he were about to tell him to let it go. Alec stiffened. He didn't need his pity. "Magnus got sick of me. I suppose it was only reasonable, what with him being a warlock and all. He told me to get lost, and I couldn't imagine ever loving something as much as I love him." Simon was looking at him, shocked by what Alec was saying. The dark haired boy continued. "I mean, imagine knowing that your life had reached its peak, knowing that it will never get any better. Think about how it would feel to know that you've felt real love, and will never feel it like that again. Not in the same way…"

Silence hung over the two boys. Alec was focusing on breathing evenly, the questions still whirling around in his mind.

_How had I survived?_

_I was so careful, so deliberate…_

"Alec… I think it's the pain killers. Magnus would never-"

"Well he did, okay? And you can't blame me for wanting to…"

The word stuck in his throat.

Alec took in a long breath, closing his eyes and softening his voice from what had been a yell.

"You can't blame me for wanting to _die_." The word escaped Alec's mouth with a quiver. _Man up_, he told himself. His voice hardened. "And my mother can't just force Magnus to come and visit me. I'm not a child. I don't need Magnus to re-dump me in a kinder way. He shouldn't have to apologise for hurting my _feelings_. I'm a big boy. Just because I'm weak doesn't need the world needs to stoop to support me."

Simon's mouth was agape, opening and closing like a fish, pale hands seeming to be trying to speak for him as his fingers wriggled nervously. Alec continued to speak.

"And it wasn't anyone's job to come and _save _me either. I was _saving _myself." Alec paused for a moment, before speaking if for no other reason than to cut Simon off before he could be interrupted. "Say, you're a vampire. I hear shadowhunter blood is pretty tasty. If you want, you can have at it, although I suspect a lot is already missing."

This time, Simon didn't miss a beat.

"I respect the right to make jokes, but has anyone ever told you that you seem to tell yours at the worst possible moments?" Alec's face adopted a sort of weak grimace, with a hint of a smirk. Simon's voice softened. He liked Alec. He actually did. Of course, the first time they had met, he had thought he was a prick, but Alec was the type of guy who he had always thought he would be friends with. Then Eric and co. came along, but he had always wanted to get to know Alec more. Maybe one day, he could get on his good side. "But you should joke more, Alec. You seem to be your own worst enemy. No one is judging you. No one is hiding in the shadows, ready to pull you down. You're not like the others. You're not playing strategic mind games with anyone. You don't need to defend on all fronts all the time. Laugh. Be happy. Don't be afraid of anyone."

Alec stared back at Simon. It felt like everything he had said was true, but merely to everyone else in the world and not him.

_Is it possible, that these rules could apply to me too?_

"Alec, you're not worthless."

Alec's gaze met Simon's.

"You're not wrong in assuming that thought I was worthless, but how did you know?"

"Isabelle." Simon stated, a faint flicker of aggression in his eyes. Alec gave him a questioning look before he continued. "Isabelle broke down crying like I had never seen or expected from her. She sobbed for the whole day you two were apart. Maryse had to literally lock her in her room to get her to leave."

Alec really didn't want to hear this. He was about to say as much when Simon continued.

"Clary was messed up too. She hates the sight of blood, but she sat in yours, bawling by your side as you slipped away. She told me that you were so close. So close to being lost, and she was terrified."

Alec really wished he would shut up. They would have gotten over him. It would have taken a while, but they would have gotten over it, and one day he would be a mere memory.

"You think this didn't affect everyone? Maryse hardly even got to look at you as you were whisked away. You are her son, and you tried to do that only weeks after Max. She was- is- so horrified. Do you think that she _doesn't _blame herself? The same with your dad. His on his way back from Idris as we speak.

"Jace too. He's… really terrifying right now. He's silent, and he doesn't seem to do anything; he doesn't eat or sleep. He would just sit here with Izzy, occasionally looking like he wanted to say something, but wouldn't end up speaking. Sometimes he cries, and that is the most terrifying thing of all. When his mother told him to rest, I think he set off to find Magnus."

Alec's previously closed eyes shot open, but his mouth wasn't able to form words.

"Alec, we all care about you. You are _not _worthless. If not for yourself, couldn't you live for the people who love you? You never know; maybe if you waited a little longer, the hurt might have faded…"

Alec groaned.

"Simon… nothing is making sense. I… how did I even get here? Who found me? And how…" Alec trailed off as he glanced at his wrist. It had been bandaged, but he could still a throbbing pain through all of the numbness. "How could the mark be undone?"

Simon licked his lips. He really didn't want to have this conversation with Alec.

"Alec… I really don't think I'm the right person for you to discuss this with…"

"Well then I guess it is too bad, because I want answers." The way Simon looked like he was having an internal struggle made Alec feel the need to reapproach the subject. "I don't want to have to hear it from any of the others. In fact, I would rather like to delay any other social interactions for as long as possible."

"Fine," sighed Simon, hating the situation immensely. "You got here because Isabelle carried your body back. As for finding you, from what I can gather, it was Jace, Clary, Isabelle and Magnus."

"M-Magnus?"

Alec hated the word sounded, and himself for even saying it. He sounded pathetic.

"Alec, Magnus still seems to love you."

The words hit Alec hard.

Magnus didn't love him.

It seemed more reasonable that he hated him.

"How could you even say that?" asked Alec. Despite his efforts, he could feel tears welling in his eyes. "Do I need to spell it out for you? He got bored of me."

"Why? Why would he suddenly decide that you are wrong for him?" Simon looked determined. He slowly continued when Alec didn't reply. "He saved you, Alec. He is a worse condition about you than any of us, Alec. He woke up after about five hours of care, and has been begging to see you."

"Why would he be waking up?" Alec asked frantically. "What happened to him? Was he attacked?"

"From what I can tell, he used some sort of spell to bring you back. It took half your damage and put it on him. It didn't take away the marks, though. The Silent Brothers have had to bandage you tightly until they can get Magnus ready to fix you up." At Alec's empty gaze, Simon elaborated. "They think that they can burn it off, but it will be intense. If even the slightest thing went wrong, your wrists would be charred off."

Alec was still staring into space when he said, "But why would he risk his life for that? It wasn't worth it! How could he do that?"

"How could _you _do that?" burst Simon. "How could you try to end everything right then. Magnus still loves you. Accept it."

The tears were now rolling down Alec's cheeks.

"How can you be sure? How can everything just be okay?" Alec was almost hysterical. "How can I ever just assume that Magnus loves me unconditionally again, especially after this? How will he ever see me the same man as he did when he _was _in love with me?"

Alec looked down, his voice softening as he said, "How would I even face him after a thing like this?"

Simon was silent for a few moments. Alec's questions were reasonable. How could the pieces of this puzzle somehow fall back into place after they had all been stomped on? Instead, Simon answered only his last question with the word Magnus had once said to comfort Alec in a time of need.

"Hope."

* * *

**Reviews?**


	10. Thinking About You

**Hey.**

**I watched Glee. As predicted, I was wrong.**

**On the other hand, who else is digging 'Braveheart' Kurt?**

**As for this chapter… it came more naturally than any of the others. My keyboard seemed to have a mind of its own.**

**I think it must have stolen mine.**

**I should really ask for that back…**

**Also, something new. A disclaimer! I totally forgot to tack this in. I know that no one would actually press charges, but it seems to be the general fashion to chuck one in anyway.**

**I do not own **_**The Mortal Instruments**_**. No seriously, I don't even own a copy of the book. I downloaded it onto my Kindle. For free. **

**Magnus would be proud.**

* * *

"Wake up."

The voice was flat and dead sounding as it resonated through the infirmary. Magnus sighed. It felt like only minutes since he had cried himself back to sleep after having been yelled at by Maryse that he wasn't to go near Alec. He couldn't, of course, blame her for wanting her son's shreds of innocence to remain intact, but he needed to talk to him when he woke up. Even then, if he hadn't yet awoken, he needed to see him breathing.

And then there was the chance that Alec wouldn't wake up at all, which Magnus had hurriedly pushed to the back of his mind.

_No. He _has _to live._

And while seeing darling Isabelle for the brief moment in which she had stepped into the infirmary to visit him, before promptly tearing up and running out as though the devil was at her heels hadn't been altogether unwelcome, he could not say the same about waking up with Jace leaning against the wall beside him.

Because Jace doesn't sit? Or was it that he didn't want his presence to be considered friendly?

Magnus begrudgingly opened his eyes, trying not to imagine what he must look like.

"Why are you _here_?" he asked, trying to force his voice to sound like he hadn't just woken up after less than three hours of sleep. He wondered what time it was. Two in the morning? Three?

"Because my mother kicked me out of Alec's room. She's stuck the former mundane in with him, which seems like a _terrible _idea." It was funny, Magnus thought, that Jace seemed to follow his true meaning when he had asked the question 'Why are you _here_?'. It had been Magnus's way of asking him 'Why are you here and not with Alec?'

"How is he? I mean-"

Jace cut him off, peering down with him with what could be assumed to be a death glare. Magnus had, in his time, seen some killer death glares. So far, Jace had taken up three spots in his mental top twenty 'Looks that made me want to die' tally.

"His condition hasn't changed much. His heart rate is getting steadier, and the dosage of painkillers and the likes is being reduced, so the Silent Brothers think he might wake up soon." Jace paused, as though unsure of what to say, before proceeding, his voice sounding a bit weaker. "They're still not sure, though. He has been out for over a day. That's not…good."

Magnus dropped his head back to his pillow, unaware that he had been leaning forward. He had known that Alec wouldn't just suddenly get better, but it didn't stop him from desperately praying for such a miracle.

The silence lingered a little while longer, before Jace recomposed himself, pushing off from the wall with his left foot.

"Look. We need to seriously talk."

It really shouldn't have surprised Magnus that he wanted to 'talk', but he really thought that Jace wouldn't want to. He found the idea of Jace saying 'Look. I need to seriously kick your ass' much more likely to occur.

"What are you going to do when Alec wakes up?"

Jace's words hung in the air like a deadly toxin which Magnus desperately wanted to escape. He had thought about what he would do, but whenever the question popped up, he would try to suppress it; like every other Alec related question. Maybe that was why he had done nothing but sleep since he had awoken; a mere three hours after he had reached the infirmary. He had, in fact, been incredibly frustrated when he woke up after such a short period of time, when Alec was yet to rise from his forced slumber. He wanted to be punished.

"I will do whatever is best for Alec. Whatever it takes." Magnus felt terrible for saying such a lame answer. It _sounded _like an excuse for the fact that he had positively no clue what to do. Jace, judging by the angry fire in his eyes, seemed to have understood the underlying meaning. "Alec needs me to leave, I'll-"

"What the hell is it that makes you think that you have the right to leave Alec?" said Jace. His voice was deadly calm, and Magnus felt just a bit terrified. "After everything that's happened, everything he did, you think that you should just pack up and leave?"

_No_, thought Magnus. He had been straight out healed within three hours. He had no reason to still be in the Institute, except that the nurse knew how much he cared for Alec, and had pitied him enough to let him stay the extra time.

No. He most certainly did not want to leave Alec, but Maryse did. What right, after everything he had done to Alec, did he have to defy his mother? He was lucky enough that he was going to be permitted to operate on Alec's wrist when he awoke, and that another warlock had not been called in his stead. He had absolutely no right to complain about anything from then on.

Magnus remained silent, not trusting himself to speak. Jace let out a long, heavy sigh and commenced to pace, his cool atmosphere utterly lost.

"I know my mother told you not to speak to Alec, and I can't bring myself to stop dreaming of slicing your body into lots of very small pieces, but we both know what you mean to Alec. Ignore her, just for now. See him soon, and say whatever magical words you can manage."

Magnus looked down. The conversation was unstable. One moment, Jace was on the verge of a killing spree, the next he was almost being comforting.

Almost.

"What if I don't know what to say? What if Alec genuinely hates me after what I said? What if-" it seemed like Magnus was allowing himself to vent his insecurities on someone else. He just really wished it wasn't Jace. Only Jace would cut someone off when they were giving such a confused confession.

"You changed Alec." Magnus felt his heart shatter a little. He had changed Alec into a guilt riddled, suicidal teen? Why would Jace…

Magnus stopped mid thought, answering his question himself.

Because he is _Jace_; brutally honest with everyone with the lone exception of himself.

Jace's eyes widened, understanding Magnus's train of thought.

"No, Magnus. Not just like that. You changed him… before." Jace looked uncomfortable, but determined to soldier on. "I think… I think everyone noticed. Alec was -is- anything but subtle with his moods. When he met you, everything changed."

Magnus sat up, meeting Jace's gaze, before Jace began to look far off, staring at something he couldn't see.

"When I first came here, Alec was almost like a different person. He was still the same core: kind, humble, honourable. He was just… so open back then. He was the kind of guy who caught a person's attention in the same way Isabelle did. While he wasn't as loud as Izzy, he seemed to exude a presence, demanding attention. He was the boy that all the girls wanted a shot with as soon as they realised that I was a jerk. Back then, it was _so _easy to see the family resemblance between him and Isabelle.

"If you had have seen him then, you would also see how me and him could be such good friends, even as we grew into different people. Alec was always accepting. That never changed. He even told jokes at the appropriate times, without wanting to subtract them the moment they had left his lips."

Magnus paled. He had a sickening feeling that he knew exactly why Alec wasn't that person anymore.

"That changed when he was fourteen. I think… I think he honestly thought he was doing a good job at discreetly hiding himself. I think that he thought that he deserved to be hidden, shoved to the back shelf like an unwanted book. He thought he was being subtle about it," Jace actually gave a short, humourless laugh at this.

"He thought we didn't notice? That we couldn't see what was going on with him? It was obvious.

"He stopped cutting his hair as regularly, letting it grow out to be like a curtain to hide behind, as though it would insure that people couldn't see him. He stopped wearing colours period. It took him weeks to be able to look me in the eye, and months for him to do it without blushing and mumbling like an idiot. I knew what was happening, but couldn't face the music. I don't know whether it was out of fear of saying the wrong thing, or fear of agreeing with Alec's train of thought, like so many other shadowhunters; that he was disgusting. That had been what Valentine taught me… and I wasn't sure if I still believed it or not, so I kept silent.

"The next year, Isabelle found out. To this day, I don't know what prompted Alec to tell her, but she came in and told me straight after she found out," said Jace. He paused, looking guilty. "She was so upset. We were both raised as noble shadowhunters, and didn't know what to do or how to feel. Isabelle never talked to me about it after that, and rarely mentioned it to Alec. It was understandable that she would put it to the side; she was young.

"But _I _wasn't able to talk to Alec. I was older than her, and I should have forced myself to figure it out, but I didn't. Not for a long time.

"I think our parents started to notice the changes in Alec the same year. They were always going back and forth to Idris, and their schedules were twice as large back then because our generation couldn't fight on our own, or all that well, so it was okay that they didn't see it sooner. I don't know if they figured it out, you know, before you showed them. They knew Alec was somewhat depressed, and not his usual self, but questioning a shadowhunter's sexuality on these facts alone is _not _something you do, so they let it slide.

"It was more than just hair and clothes, though. He kept his distance from people, like if they got too close, he would break.

"He stopped introducing himself to the occasional teenage shadowhunter who stopped into the Institute, hiding in his room if they were a boy and keeping a five foot distance if they were a girl. I could see that he was ashamed of what he was, that he hated what he thought he had become." Jace sighed, before a smirk ghosted onto his face. "I remember one winter a boys' soccer team came over from Idris on exchange. I think Alec's eyes almost popped out of their sockets when they started roaming the halls in only towels, trying to talk to him about life in New York. He actually made Hodge let him sleep on the library couch because he refused to ask his parents for a different room.

"I think things started to get better when he was sixteen. He still hated who he was, but he began to psych himself up to talk to me more, and we even began to spar more often. Had it have been anyone but Alec, I don't think I would have accepted the whole 'I think I will suddenly start talking to you again' thing that was going one. But it was Alec. Isabelle noticed too. That was the one time she spoke about Alec's situation, telling me that this was a 'good thing', and not to screw it up if I valued my life or male parts."

Magnus was listening intently. People seldom talked to him about Alec without said boy blushing and dragging him away. While he would give anything for Alec to burst in at that moment and drag him away with that precious blush of his, hearing Jace speak of Alec was the next best thing.

"The next year, things were even better. It was like he realised that he could speak to me and Isabelle without the fist of God coming down upon him. Seeing Alec getting 'better', I wished that the old Alec would come back. The one where I didn't have to worry that he was depressed. The one who could carry a conversation for more than five minutes at a time. The one who I had no doubt I could talk to about anything. But still, I remained silent, and didn't say a word to anyone about the way Alec must have felt."

_The way Alec must have fel_t, thought Magnus. Alec must have been so scared, so ashamed of his feelings. Magnus had always disliked shadowhunters for looking down at his kind; both sexuality wise and Downworlder wise. Jace continued to speak.

"We were all really happy when he met you, believe it or not." Magnus felt a knot in his stomach as Jace said this. There was something in his voice that suggested he wasn't quite so glad he had met Alec now. "He was absolutely terrified of you because you make it look easy. He told me once, that he loved the way you acted like everything was normal. I think it encouraged him to think that he was normal, rather than the sick freak he had thought himself to be."

That struck a nerve with Magnus. 'Sick freak' had been what Alec had once used to refer to himself. What had scared Magnus was how commonplace he seemed to think of the term, as if he had fully resigned himself to the fact that his feelings were wrong, and didn't deserve to be acted upon.

Magnus could remember how he had pretended to be mad at the boy, asking him he thought that _he _was a freak too. It had seemed like Alec had never thought about it that way, replying that he shouldn't even suggest such a thing, and that Magnus was perfect. Magnus had told him the same thing, and had spent the remainder of the evening trying to convince Alec that there was nothing wrong with him.

He had really thought that he had succeeded to a degree

"When he came home with a hickey on his neck, I was somewhat surprised, and even a smidge proud of Alec for 'getting some' in such a relatively short period of time after meeting you. Of course, he had told me that he had fallen over in Central Park."

"On his neck?" asked Magnus, somewhat baffled. A small smirk formed on Jace's lips.

"Yes. On his neck.

"I knew that you two were dating, and I even built up the courage to attempt to talk to Alec about it, but he wasn't ready. I'm… sorry if that caused problems for you two," said Jace, sounding shockingly sincere.

"I knew that I had to talk to him properly. Our talk was long overdue by the time it actually happened. Did… did Alec ever tell you the details?"

Magnus let out a sigh.

"No. He always avoided the subject like the plague," replied Magnus. In truth, he had always been somewhat curious as to how Jace had completed _the talk _with Alec, but it never failed to make the boy uncomfortable. "Was it that emotionally scarring?"

Magnus hadn't been all that serious when he had said the words 'emotionally scarring', but Jace had actually flinched. For a moment, Magnus felt sorry for the blond.

"I… I handled it the wrong way again, but was too agitated to give him a way out that time. I was mad at myself, and I took it all out on him." Jace had the strangest expression on his face. It actually resembled… shame. "I wanted to stop myself, but I also just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to finally let Alec know that _I _knew. That I knew about his crush on me, and I knew that he was gay. There was a voice in my head, begging me to stop, but I didn't. I just wanted him to know, and I wanted to hurt him and-"

Jace cut himself off, having become terribly ill-composed. He sucked in a slow breath, forcing his face to go stony again.

"I asked him about you." There was another short pause before the silence was broken. "He admitted that there had been something going on with you two, but that it had stopped. I don't think he was ever ashamed of you, you know. I think he was ashamed of himself. Even now, I can't believe you let him go so easily back then."

Magnus didn't miss a beat.

"I suppose we all have our moments of uncalled for actions intended for the greater good."

Jace flinched again, looking startled. He quickly cooled it down.

"He could see why I was being so… cruel. I can only hope that he has forgiven me. I told him to kiss me, too."

Magnus's eyes flared. Truth be told, he knew that he hadn't the right to be angry, but it was more instinctive than anything else.

"Slow down. He declined," said Jace upon seeing the warlock's expression with some amusement. "He looked horrified at the very idea. It wasn't the best-"

"Or most appropriate," cut in Magnus, jealousy still evident in his features.

"It wasn't the greatest method of doing things, but it ended up working out.

"And then you guys got back together, and no matter how badly I screwed up with Alec, everything was going to be okay.

"Alec was so in love with you. You made him happier- almost like his old self. He was like a fusion between the old Alec and the upset Alec. He still isn't happy with who he is, but he is no longer ashamed of _what _he is.

"We all noticed his little Magnus induced transformation. I think Isabelle was on the verge of planning your wedding. It was like you had made everything okay again, after such a long time of… things just being scattered and jumbled in a mess of confusion."

Magnus was looking down. What was Jace getting at? Why had he told him all of this?

"Am I supposed to infer that you think… I am good for Alec?" Magnus sounded mostly confused, but there was a faint sound of hope in his voice.

"No," said Jace, his voice flat and certain. Magnus hadn't considered his face to be lifted, but he felt it drop. "No, you aren't straight out good for Alec under any circumstances. You are, however, the ultimate weapon of choice. No one can help or love Alec in the same way. We can love him, and he can love us back, but it is like it only counts for you."

Jace was looking a little sterner, as though he disapproved.

"No… that wasn't the right way to put it. It's more like we are the people and you are God. In short, Magnus; he believes in you with his every fibre. He believed that you were in love with him, and the way you suddenly snapped that in half made him feel so…" Jace trailed off, unconsciously angling his body towards the Sanctuary. "You have the power to break Alec into a million pieces. You have the ability to stomp Alec into the ground like a garden stake with the will of a mere few words. I can see why Maryse wouldn't want you to be able to have such an influence over her son, but there is more on the line than she thinks."

Magnus had tears in his eyes. What Jace was saying was true. It had somehow come to be that Alec had found that he wanted the High Warlock more than anything else in the world. Magnus felt the same way for Alec, and could imagine how Alec must have felt:

Like the whole world had tumbled away to reveal that it was just a temporary stage prop, that the real world wasn't worth living in.

"Is it even worth the risk of letting me back into Alec's life? What if I-"

Magnus was cut off by the sound of Jace's fist crashing against the wall, making a loud and solid 'thud' noise. Usually Magnus wasn't so opposed to seeing Jace in pain, but this was different.

"Jace! What the hell was tha-"

"Listen, Magnus." Jace sounded somewhat revolted. "Since you have not the faintest damn idea of what the hell you're gonna do when Alec wakes up, why don't we discuss what _he _is going to do?"

Magnus didn't think it was possible, but he paled even more. The mere thought of Alec waking up was almost as terrifying as the thought of Alec not waking up.

"Do you think he is going to put all of this behind him, like nothing ever happened? I think most people will try to act normal for him, act like hadn't just slit his goddamn wrists in a fucking attempt to take his own miserable life. I will probably count myself in that number, because honestly, it is the best that most of us can do.

"Alec doesn't want to look weak in front of his family, especially since his family happens to be shadowhunters. For once, Downworlders have an advantage. He may love us to death, but he builds up walls higher than ever when he is around our parents.

"When he wakes up, he really isn't going to feel all that much better. More than anything, he will probably feel like a twit for failing at dying. When the time comes, I need you to tell him that he is worth all the riches in the world, because he is infinitely more likely to listen to you than me.

"And I don't care how long it takes, because you and I both know what you did in the warlocks' den."

Magnus felt guilty now. A tight knot was tying itself in the depths of his stomach, making him want to scream. _Oh Jace, ye bringer of unwanted thoughts_. Magnus had been purged with… happy dreams when he had slept, and it made him feel awful. Somewhere, in the depths of his admittedly brilliant mind, a part of him was throwing a party, showing him visions of he and Alec in hundreds of years, still together.

It bothered Magnus to no end that the very act which had brought Alec just inches from death's greedy claws was solving his problem with the brush of his lips. He remembered his own words as they reverberated off the walls of his mind.

_Half of eternity_.

Jace was looking down at him, as though he was tracking his thoughts.

"Half of eternity is forever, right?" asked Jace, though he already knew the answer.

"You lucky bastard."

But Magnus didn't feel lucky.

He just wanted to hold Alec in his arms and apologise profusely.

If he could just do that, his and Alec's long existence would be a lot easier.

* * *

There is in fact a reference in here. If anyone can spot the action that could be a reference to one Dallas Winston from 'The Outsiders', please take a guess. It is

**Also, shout outs to my awesome reviewers, who sing wicked praises at the end of my chapters. Lea, PyroBandNinja, Book Worm!**

**Also, to the awesome DucksREvil, for being awesome.**

**And my love Brandon*insert array of number I forgot*, for being ****man ****enough to read Malec. You rock my socks. Three questions:**

**Are you gay?**

**Are you single?**

**Are you under the age of twenty?**


	11. Fearing You

**Hey.**

**This is one of the most angsty things I have ever read/written.**

**It is extremely upsetting, and I cannot believe that I am putting Alec through all of this. Yes, I am a horrible person. Feel free to hate on me in reviews. I would be interesting. I have never actually been flamed before. It would be a new experience.**

**Also, like my usual author rants, I would like to impart a little knowledge upon you all. I am not computer savvy, but I learned something useful several days ago: that if you press ctrl F on a keyboard on the internet, you can search for specific words. I think it is brilliant. There is probably some ten year old reading this and smacking their forehead like 'You just got that?'**

**I have news for you: I just got that.**

**Also, I am on a quest for pickup lines. You got any? Send 'em in! They are like jokes, but so much funnier.**

* * *

Simon grimaced as Alec grabbed his arm.

After their brief discussion about Magnus, which Alec had refused to continue, silence had fallen upon them. Simon had hoped that Alec had slipped back into a sleep, and that he would be able to tell everyone that Alec is awake, but that wasn't the case.

"Don't go."

Simon sighed. He knew he shouldn't really do anything to upset Alec at this point, so he dutifully took his place by the fallen shadowhunter's bed.

"Alec, you can't just hide the fact that you are conscious forever," pleaded Simon. He really didn't want to face Maryse's wrath in the years to come.

Alec looked at the vampire, a stubborn scowl moulded into his pale face.

"I could, if you would take me up on that offer."

Simon flinched, but tried to hide it. Alec was being so... dark. It was beginning to frighten him.

"Drink your blood? You know, Alec? I don't think I will, no matter how delectable you look."

Alec smirked, as though he had somehow been possessed by non-suicidal Alec, and said, "Delectable, huh? So I've been told."

For a moment, the silence was comfortable, before Simon noticed how much Alec had paled in a mere matter of seconds. Simon was immediately filled with dread.

"Alec? Alec, are you okay? You look like you've seen a g-"

"It's nothing. Just,' Alec replied, face unusually white, even for him, "nothing."

Simon was feeling extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't his place to be here with Alec when even his parents and siblings had no idea how he was, nor did he have any idea how to talk to the older shadowhunter. He knew one thing, though.

He had to find out what was bothering the other teen so much.

"Alec, at this point, you know you can tell me anything, right?" It was true; Alec could tell him anything, and Simon wouldn't have been able to find inside of himself to judge him. Not after what had happened. Not after thinking about how Alec feels for even a matter of minute, let alone days.

"Simon," sighed Alec, voice still slightly raspy and shaking, though the latter effect wasn't induced by his prolonged awakening, "You really don't want to know. It isn't particularly fascinating, or even that deep and meaningful."

"But it affects you," replied Simon. When Alec didn't say anything, Simon continued, "And unless you will let me tell your mother that you have wo-"

"No!"

Simon felt momentarily ashamed of himself when he saw the look of sheer distress on the other boy's face, knowing that he had caused it.

"Then tell me."

Alec seemed to think about his choices for a few seconds, before meeting the vampire's gaze.

"It's just… something you said reminded me of Magnus. You really don't need to hear it. It is pathetic."

Simon looked back at Alec, meeting his gaze in a way that told him to continue.

"When the big war was over… after Valentine had died, M-Magnus whisked me away to his room, telling me how glad he was that I was finally his to take." Alec's voice had sounded strangled, and that urge to tell Alec that he didn't have to soldier on almost overtook Simon. The shadowhunter looked so pained. Alec seemed to misunderstand the guilty look in his eyes for mere discomfort. "If it is making you uncomfortable, I can stop."

Simon almost agreed, but not for the sake of _his _comfort. He put on a nervous smile.

"Man love?" he asked, trying to sound casual. "Nah, don't worry about it. Me and Clary are kind of nerdy. I like anime chicks with short skirts and big… chests, and she likes the art of guys banging it. Sometimes we tell one and other a little too much."

Alec looked defeated, and maybe a little amused as he carried on.

"He took me into his room, and we started getting a little…" Alec trailed off, trying to find a way to censor his wording, to make the most Simon friendly explanation possible.

"Hot and sweaty? Nude and sticky?" suggested Simon, receiving a mild glare with a small smile from Alec.

"Yeah… that. And I got afraid. It was so romantic, and we had both told each other of our feelings, and then… I was frightened. I don't know why I got so scared, but I ended up telling Magnus that I couldn't do it. I was so embarrassed and scared that he would laugh at me."

Simon was somewhat intrigued. It wasn't that he himself was gay. He had merely grown used to the idea of two guys doing business, and had failed to find anything wrong with it.

"What did he do?" asked Simon, before he could stop himself.

Alec smirked, looking far away in his memories, still looking sorrowful.

"He laughed," said Alec, simply. "He told me that he would never ask that of me until I was ready, and that he would wait until that day would come, no matter how long it took. And then…"

"Then?" Simon pushed, before wishing to slap himself. _Patience is a virtue_, he reminded himself.

"Then he proceeded to tell me that there was a wide variety of things he could do to me that would make me squeal just as much. I was so nervous… I told him that men don't squeal, to which he replied, 'Oh, but Alec, they do.'"

Simon could imagine this all taking place, with those exact words leaving Magnus's multi-coloured lips. A rue smile crossed Simon's face as he thought of how Alec had sounded when he had quoted Magnus; like a child trying to impersonate a deep voice, making it exaggerated and husky.

"_Do_ men squeal, Alec?"

Alec's terrifyingly pale cheeks turned to a crimson red as he met Simon's gaze, which he promptly dropped as he began to answer.

"Apparently…" said Alec, looking almost like an embarrassed child, "Apparently they do, given the right conditions."

A moment of what can only be described as 'dirty' silence passed between the two boys, before Alec recommenced his tale.

"When we were… almost 'finished', I asked Magnus if he was really okay with me not giving my whole self to him. He told me that he was more than happy with what I had given to him. When we were done, and about to fall asleep, he mumbled a few words into my ear…"

Alec hesitated, but Simon gave a single nod, encouraging the shadowhunter to continue.

"He said, 'But it might be a little harder to resist you next time, if you keep looking so delectable.'"

Simon's insides began to twist themselves into knots. He knew that he hadn't purposefully hurt Alec, but he still felt awful for merely reminding him of what had happened.

"Alec… I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Of course you didn't, so don't worry about it. I was stupid of me to even remind myself of that. It was just my mind turning against me in order to think about Magnus; something which I have been telling it not to do since regaining consciousness." Alec spoke confidently, as if he was literally no longer affected by the beautiful memory, but his lovely, alarmed blue eyes, which Magnus had always openly adored, told a different story.

"Alec, are you sure it is healthy to bottle these memories up, even from yourself?" asked Simon, only to receive a bemused look from Alec.

"Simon, do you really think anything I have done recently is healthy?" asked Alec, a saddened expression threatening to cross his passive face, his point of being unhealthy and unstable only further enforced by the strain of his voice.

"Please Alec," pleaded Simon, "tell me anything. Don't hide this from yourself. Face up to it. Let me help you, even if you won't see anyone else."

Alec's facial expression suddenly changed, vaguely resembling an animal backed into a corner.

"What do you want me to tell you? That I hate myself for disappointing Magnus? That I hate what this had done to me, but I can't bring myself to regret ever meeting Magnus?"

"Yes." Simon looked at Alec earnestly. "But let's start with the first statement; why do you think that you have disappointed Magnus?"

Alec resigned himself to his fate, and let himself sink into the narrow hospital bed.

"Just my personality in general," he ground out. Simon's eyes widened. Magnus had always adored everything about Alec. "Why would he fall in love with me? Why would he bother with someone as average, typical, lame and unworldly as me, when he is _none _of those things? He is so special, and I don't even know how to control my feelings yet.

"What's worse is that my parents thought the same thing. When they looked at us together, the identical look of doubt always took over their features, as if they were as confused as I was with where I stood with Magnus. It made no sense that he would do the things that he did for me. Why should it?"

Simon struggled to think of words to tell Alec without becoming redundant. He felt like screaming at the top of his lungs 'He loves you!', but was somehow able to restrain himself, instead allowing Alec continue to explain himself.

"And I look back on everything we did… all that we had together, and I think 'Was it not enough?'. It had been enough for _me_. It had been nearly perfect… for me. But I think back now, and realise; maybe it was _never _enough for Magnus. Maybe I had just deluded myself into thinking that he was in love with me in the first place. When I look back now, I can see all the things that I didn't do for him."

Alec seemed to be in agony, and the only reason Simon allowed him to speak was that he needed to say these things out loud. It did, however, distress the vampire that these things weren't sounding unlikely to Alec. He seemed quite confident in his perspective.

"No… no, Alec. It wasn't like that…" Simon trailed off, unsure of himself. He knew for a fact that Magnus had loved -still loved- Alec. But what _was_ it like? How could he possibly know what had happened between the two male lovers?

Alec shot him a steely glare, but continued, his voice still calm.

"I was happy by his mere presence, let alone the things that he so willingly did for me. I thought we were so in love, like nothing could ever break us apart. Sometimes I dreamed that not even death would conquer us; that we would glide through the ages, content with each other's company.

"But why would Magnus have been happy with _my _mere company? What had _I _done that was so deserving of such feelings from someone as wonderful as one Magnus Bane? Maybe I had made it all up in my head. Maybe there was no 'spark'. Maybe this had been a fling which I had taken far too seriously."

"Alec, I swear; that isn't it." Simon tried to think of proof to give Alec, proof which would ultimately make Alec realise that what Magnus and Alec had shared was, and is, real. "He told you that he loved you so many times. Doesn't it mean anything?"

Alec grimaced, before saying, "And it meant a lot when he told me that he didn't want to see me anymore."

Simon was stunned. Had Magnus Bane actually said that to his beloved? Had Alec actually gone insane, or was this the horrendous truth? The Daylighter racked his brain for more evidence.

"He let you move into his apartment, didn't he? He wanted you to live with him. Alec, of course he loved you."

Alec replied almost instantly.

"And I felt the full force of this when he told me that he wanted me to leave, and that he would post my stuff back to the Institute."

Simon was shocked into silence. Would Magnus really do that? Would he even break up with Alec in the first place? For a moment, Simon was unsure of what he would rather believe in; Alec being mentally unstable, or Magnus being completely… vicious. Simon decided to explore the 'Alec Has Lost It' theory.

"Alec, what could make you possibly believe that you have done _anything _to make Magnus do such hurtful things to you?"

Alec's face twisted into a betrayed look, his body unconsciously raising itself inches above the bed.

"You don't believe me, do you?" asked Alec, mutinous. "Think about it Simon; what could he have possibly gained from loving me?"

When Alec paused, he realised that it had been a genuine question. When he was unable to provide an answer in the given time frame, he felt like kicking himself.

"Exactly. I made him patch up you all, buried myself in a closet for _far _too long. I mean, how long can a man be so delusional as to want to be in a relationship like that? With someone like me?

"What would he have really done with me that would be worthwhile? Marry me? I doubt he would think that I would even agree. Hell! I doubt that back then I would have agreed. I am so god damned unsure of myself. I would have been too afraid of what the stupid Clave would have thought of such a union that I probably would have rejected him."

Simon felt like he really should have said something, but no words came. Alec was… really scaring him. Someone needed to get Magnus in there. Just hearing this, Simon had no doubt that Alec felt every bit bad enough to do those things that he had done to himself. He was tearing himself apart, like he was nothing. Like he had nothing to offer the world.

"So what else?" asked Alec, his eyes widened, almost frantic, his voice occasionally hitching, slowly wearing away even as it grew louder. "Sex?" Alec inquired, not to Simon in particular. Simon flinched as he heard the word. It wasn't from disgust, but merely the way the word sounded so strangled and beat down.

"Because I never offered that either. He said he was okay with it, but why would he be? I was the one who insisted that I wasn't ready, but even I found myself frustrated. It must have seemed like I was being petty, too. He's probably been doing _it _for seven hundred and eighty years at least! I should have just given myself to him on a golden platter."

Simon so badly wanted to say something. Anything. But the words stuck in his throat, refusing to budge even as Alec gave an empty laugh.

"'Given myself to him'," choked Alec, seeming to completely lose it. His eyes suddenly widened as if seeing himself clearly. He looked like a frightened deer as he looked around him as if only just seeing his surroundings for the first time. He slowly rested himself back into the thin mattress, calming himself before continuing. "Doesn't it just sound like I was denying him something worth having? Did he ever think that _I _was worth having?"

Alec looked cynical, and it frightened Simon. Alec, after everything, felt like he wasn't worth anything if he wasn't worth the warlock's affections. Simon made a mental note that he was going to have to have a long talk with said warlock.

"Alec… you were fine without Magnus, before. Why won't you be okay now? I know he still loves you. He does, Alec, and whatever happened before… it wasn't what Magnus wanted eith-"

Simon was suddenly interrupted by the ghost of a scream as Alec gripped the sheets of his bed tightly in his thin, white hands. If Simon thought that Alec had looked scared, or frightened before, he really needed to think again.

"Alec, what's wrong?" asked Simon, his face a picture of anxiety, his eyes wide and alarmed. Alec didn't even seem to hear him.

"M-Magnus?" the dark haired shadowhunter asked, his voice quivering as he seemed to have a series of heart attacks. Simon quickly swivelled to see behind him, shocked and oddly hopeful that Magnus was, in fact, there.

There was not another soul in sight.

"Alec… Alec, he isn't there." Simon had never felt so unsure in his life. What was he meant to do? Alec wasn't listening to him, but rather to an unknown voice which was coming from behind him, as though it was really making sound. Alec had completely paled, his lips red against his sheet white complexion.

"Magnus… I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry Magnus… I'm…" Alec continued with his apologies to no one, ignoring Simon as he tried to calm him down, his voice steadily rising as tears began to stream down the boy's face.

Simon had never seen Alec cry. He wondered how many people had. He wished, at that moment, for Alec to never cry again, for his expression was one of pure regret. Regret which shouldn't have belonged to Alec.

Simon wondered what imaginary Magnus was saying, and if it differed to what arguably real Magnus had said. Alec had curled up inwards so that his chest was resting against his thighs, his head buried in his knees. It was the first time that Simon realised that Alec wrists were chained to the side of the bed railing. Simon was feeling extremely ill, especially as sobs wracked through Alec's body, which looked frail to him for the first time since he had met him.

_You should have told me when Alexander woke up_.

Simon jumped up as he heard the voice inside of his head, before sighing with a wonderful sense of slight relief. He turned around to see one of the Silent Brothers walking soundlessly towards Alec, even as the boy shook.

_We knew he wouldn't be in the best state of mind when he woke up. Also, some of the medication we have him on is making him even less stable._

Simon wondered if he should merely use his thoughts as a means of communication, but decided that Alec was too far gone to hear any of his conversation with the hooded figure.

"So… it is just the medication which is making him act like this?" asked Simon, a sort of hope in his voice.

_No, _came the words of the Silent Brother as he brandished a stele. _It is making his feelings exaggerate themselves, but most of what he is saying and thinking is genuinely how he feels. Even the projection of Magnus was his own mind. Alec really isn't okay right now._

Simon looked down his lap, wishing that what the Silent Brother had told him wasn't true. He wished that what Alec had said was just the medication, and that the next time he woke up, he would be back to his usual self. That maybe he would come to regret trying to diminish his own life.

"Is that… is that why you've locked his hands to the bed rail?"

Simon knew the answer even before he was told.

_If you were entrusted with the care a patient in this condition, would you let him have them use of his hands?_

Simon looked back up at the other man. _No, _he thought, as Alec continued to have what looked like a fit, sweat running down his face, mixing with tears. Alec was in such a state that he didn't even seem to notice when the Silent Brother drew up his sleeve and began drawing a peaceful and curling ruin on Alec's upper arm.

The effect was instantaneous. One moment, Alec was shaking violently, and the next he was limp, sprawled across the bed.

Simon sucked in a horrified and unnecessary breath. "You didn't just…"

Simon was unable to finish the question, for he realised that his next words weren't going to be 'kill him', but rather 'finish the job'. Simon mentally slapped himself. He shouldn't even be allowed to think those words. He felt absolutely ashamed of himself.

_No. It is nothing but a sleeping ruin._

Simon released the breath, making a wheezing sound from his unused lungs. Simon silently moved towards Alec's sleeping figure back to see the Silent Brother leaving the Sanctuary.

_Don't wake him up,_ was the last thing he said before he passed through the door.

Simon wouldn't have ever thought of waking Alec after what he had just seen anyway. It had been horrible, and he couldn't imagine putting Alec through that kind of torture ever again.

Sleeping Alec wasn't what Simon had expected, either. He looked dead, but not in the way movies and books seem to paint it to look like. Rather than the classic expression of peace, Alec's mouth was twisted into a pained frown. His eyes were lightly closed, and his skin was damp with sweat and tears. Simon also noted that Alec's lips were extra red, with indents along the bottom, along with a small cut.

It was only then that the vampire remembered exactly how much blood was in the room. Alec's wrists were still oozing out into the binding cloth, while blood bag after blood bag was being injected into his body to make up for the amount he had lost.

At first Simon had struggled to hide his thirst, before Alec had awoken, but at that moment blood was the last thing on his mind.

He _had _to speak to Magnus.

* * *

Reviews?


	12. Hearing of You

**Hey.**

**Not a whole lot to say this time, but as usual, I would like to impart a piece of knowledge to you.**

**You guys should all thank Miss. Lea-Renee for this one. She rocks, and I swear I am getting around to replying!**

**Anyway, in the 1950s, scientists were of the sadly misinformed opinion that gay men were created by a lack of testosterone. Because of this theory, a group of gay men were put into a room and pumped with testosterone. You know what they got?**

**A room full of horny gay men! **

**I love that. All credit to Lea.**

**Also, a music joke.**

**Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?**

**A. A flat minor!**

* * *

Silence had filled the small room within the infirmary. Magnus wanted to go back to sleep, for it was not even dawn yet, but sleep escaped his grasp.

Jace hadn't decided to leave, even after their heart-to-heart had come to a finish. He wondered if it was mere exhaustion which led the blond shadowhunter to rest himself in the corner of his room, or if he was torturing himself by not allowing himself to be comfortable as his luminous eyes remained open, drooping slightly as the time went on.

Neither had been the recipients of even the most meagre amounts of sleep since they had discussed Alec.

Magnus would have been perfectly content to merely allow the silence to drag on as the anticipation in his heart continued to swell, but after such a long period of silence, a noise finally caught his attention.

The miserable warlock hesitantly opened his green eyes, allowing the light to flood into his vision, and immediately blinked, exhaustion replaced with confusion.

Simon?

It wasn't so much that he was under any illusion that Simon had somehow broken the 'No Vamps' policy which the shadowhunters were so fond of. No, he knew perfectly well that this was a mere projection of the Daylighter. What had the warlock stumped was _why _he would be here. And then it hit him.

_She's stuck the former mundane in with him._

Magnus immediately sat up, looking Simon square in the eye.

"What happened? Is he… is he…"

_Alive?_

The unspoken question hung in the air for a while, the projection of Simon having so much to say, and not at all sure how to say it.

Jace too was looking at Simon, his formerly droopy eyes wide and alert in an instant, the boy becoming predatory on command.

"No… I mean yes… I mean…" Simon stopped himself, having not realising whether Magnus had asked if Alec was dead or alive. He finally pulled himself together. "Alec has woken up, and his physical state is gradually improving, and should almost be back to normal after you treat the wounds."

A sea of relief swallowed Magnus whole. Alec was awake. He was alive.

Magnus actually cracked a tired smile, before Jace immediately snatched it away, as quickly as it had come.

"I don't know why you are so happy. If he was actually okay, don't you imagine that Simon would still be with him?" the charming Jace asked, the question directed at Magnus. It didn't seem like a valid suspicion on its own, but with the expression on Simon's face, it seemed to make sense. "And what do you mean 'physical state'?"

This question was evidently directed towards Simon, who seemed unsure what to say, but almost seemed angry. And… scared? The projection seemed to deliberate, before turning to Magnus.

"I don't mean to be… blunt, but did Alec ever…" Simon trailed off. He was still unsure how to ask this question without the words 'crazy' and 'messed up'. "Before all this, did Alec ever have any… mental illnesses?"

Magnus looked taken aback. He couldn't quite pinpoint where that would fit into the conversation, but felt a sinking feeling as he realised the possibilities of how it _could_. To Magnus's own surprise, it wasn't him who answered the question.

"No, he most certainly didn't. He is probably the sanest person at this Institute," defended Jace, immediately countering any ill words directed at his brother. His glare met Simon's hesitant gaze and didn't stray. "Why would you even ask?"

"It's just… did Magnus break up with him?" Simon looked afraid to hear the answer, even as it passed from his lips. Magnus paled. Yes, he had broken up with him, and he would never forgive himself.

"Yes."

Magnus's voice was a raw whisper, sounding thoroughly unlike his usual self. There was something awful about confessing such an awful thing to such a naïve soul, as though the look in Simon's eyes was a reflection of his own heartbreak, the emotion thick and concentrated into the moment.

"Then I suppose Alec has completely lost his mind," said Simon, his voice hard and filled with hurt, as though he hadn't thought the warlock capable of ripping Alec's heart to shreds in the manner in which he had.

"What do you mean 'lost his mind'?" asked Magnus, waves of shock shooting through his body.

"Not only is he seeing people who aren't really there, but he also thinks that he isn't good enough for you, which, incidentally, should be a great demonstration of exactly how lowly he thinks himself to be."

This seemed to catch Jace's attention to an even further degree, though not quite sure what he thought to be worse; the seeing of imaginary people or thinking ill of himself with such conviction.

Magnus felt fresh tears in his eyes, but refused to let them out. He wished so badly to see Alec, to tell him how perfect he was. To merely present him an apology would be all he needed at that moment.

"What did he say?" asked Magnus, somehow finding his voice, meek as it was. The projection's eyes narrowed to relay Simon's hidden fury.

"You made him feel worthless, you know," said Simon, who took pleasure in the terrified expression on the warlock's face. "You made him feel like he didn't deserve you. That he didn't deserve even love. He hated himself for believing that you could have ever loved him, and that he had destroyed everything. He feels humiliated, stupid and undeserving. He hates himself for not being able to stop loving you. As if he wasn't already uncomfortable enough with who he is, but then you go and do _this _to him. Do have any idea how wrong that is?"

"I-I know-"

"No you don't!" shouted Simon, who seemed to be coming apart himself. "You have _no _idea what it was like to see Alec that way. I was not the right person to be there for him. It should have been his parents, or siblings… or even you."

Magnus winced. There seemed to one word missing from that list.

_Friends._

Magnus wondered if Alec had any friends, not including his own family.

"He kept talking about how he had disappointed you, like it had been all his fault that you guys broke up."

There was a lapse in conversation. There had been a tinge of a question at the end of that sentence, as though asking if Alec _had _done something to deserve the treatment form Magnus. Jace seemed to see the question too.

"No. It wasn't Alec's fault." His voice sounded as though it was coming through gritted teeth as Jace refused to meet any of their eyes. Magnus could hear it in his voice that the possibility that Alec had done anything wrong was not one to be suggested if one considered their lives of any value. Magnus hated it that his theory would further be proven by Alec, who would surely bring it up. "Magnus took it upon himself to sever his and Alec's relationship before Alec chose to become like you."

Silence.

It seemed to take Simon several moments to recognise what 'like you' seemed to imply, but a look of realisation eventually crossed his face, followed by what could almost be described as understanding. Magnus felt like running away. He didn't _want _understanding.

"I can… I can understand why you would never want Alec to become a monster, but don't you think that maybe if he was prepared to risk it for you… maybe you should have let him?"

Magnus had already had this debate so many times in his head. He felt like he had covered every base, the ones which Simon had brought up being no exception.

Magnus hadn't missed the way Jace's fist clenched at the thought of his brother turning into one of the Children of the Night.

"And what? Allow him to be further ostracised from the other shadowhunters? More than I have already isolated him? No. I wouldn't let that happen. I would not jeopardise the love of his family for my love. Can you even imagine the reaction the Clave would have if they saw what I had done to Alec? It wouldn't be beyond them to kill us both."

Simon seemed determined.

"Then why couldn't it have waited a couple of decades? For all we kno-"

"People keep saying that! That we would only have fifty, sixty more years together, when in truth, we would have had even less. How does a relationship survive when I look nineteen and he looks forty? Do you think that was ever even a possibility? That Alec would wait that long to discuss becoming immortal? It wasn't going to happen and you know it."

Simon paused, seeming unsure if he should state his point, before speaking in little more than a whisper.

"I was going to say 'For all we know, Alec might have died before you even approached that bridge'."

Simon looked like he wished to take his words back almost immediately after saying them. Magnus had sat up straighter, as though a reflex to do such when any possibility of Alec was mentioned, and Jace's jaw tightened. He looked, once again, like he wanted to kill someone.

_Too late, _thought Simon, _I am already dead._

Magnus swallowed, willing himself to break the silence.

"It… it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. I mean, if you something, let it go, right?"

"_To love is to destroy_?" asked Jace, his face contorted into a look of anger and vague amusement. "Do you have any idea how many people have told me that love is right? How many people it took to convince me that allowing myself to be selfishly in love was the right thing to do? Magnus. You loving my brother is the best thing you can do. In fact, it is the only thing you can do that does not suggest me bringing out my wrath."

Magnus looked down. If he kept listening to Jace like this, he knew that he would start sprinting into the Sanctuary, declaring his love to the younger boy. And he couldn't have that, could he.

"Have you told Maryse about Alec?" asked Magnus, changing the subject. "That he isn't knocked out anymore, I mean."

"Of course… although I really don't think I should have…" Simon trailed off hopelessly, true regret crossing his pale features.

"Why?" asked Magnus and Jace in unison.

"It's just… well, you know that Alec wasn't in the greatest state. He feels like dying is still a viable choice, and a mother should never have to see their child like that, but…"Simon trailed off hopelessly, before searching for the right words. "There was more than that. Remember how I told you that Alec was seeing people who weren't there?"

Magnus's blood ran cold.

He had done that to Alec. He had broken him so completely that his own mind had turned against him. He could feel the tears building up behind his eyelids, fighting to break free. He had done that to Alec.

He had hurt Alec to breaking point.

He had purposefully broken Alec's heart.

"Y-yes?"

Simon was biting his bottom lip, feeling somewhat sympathetic towards Magnus.

"Well… we were talking, and all of a sudden he froze up, like he had seen some sort of a phantom. I looked behind me, but there was no one there. Not a soul. So I turned back to him, and he started apologising to thin air, claiming that it was… that it was you, Magnus."

Simon paused for a moment, examining the warlock's face. Beneath his light tan, he had paled significantly. His eyes were wide with horror, and the ill-disguised tears were now falling down his cheeks. Simon forced himself to continue.

"He was so frightened… I don't know what the imaginary Magnus was saying, but he just kept repeating how sorry he was. He got very hysterical very quickly, until one of the Silent Brothers used a sleeping ruin on him. It was so horrible, the way Alec rocked back and forth, apologising like he had wronged the world in some sort of unforgivable way. I don't want Maryse to ever have to see that." Simon's voice dropped even lower, cracking slightly. "I don't want anyone to _ever _have to see that."

This time, Magnus voiced his thoughts.

"I did this to him. Without even trying to cause such damage, _I _did this to him. He trusted me! He trusted me with his heart, and I couldn't even protect it. He trusted me to be the one to always love him, to be the one person to never betray him, but I did…"

Magnus didn't even know what to say. It felt like a first, but the warlock couldn't even think of words to describe this situation, even in his thoughts.

Had he driven Alec to the point of seeing hallucinations? It hadn't… it hadn't been deliberate. This wasn't meant to happen! This wasn't meant to… it shouldn't have…

_But it did, didn't it? You knew he wouldn't take your plan well, but you went ahead with it. Do you really love him, or are you always so selfish?_

Magnus covered his face with his hands and began to sob furiously into them. Everything was so damn messed up. He had hurt the person he loves the most in the world to the extent of hysterics, and yet Alec still loved him.

He still thought that Magnus was the best thing on the planet, and that was what hurt the most. That Alec could blame himself for the misdeeds of another so easily that it became real to him, and still love the man who had broken his heart so completely.

Jace and Simon were both staring at the broken warlock, sobbing upon the hospital bed, but Magnus didn't care. Not even as he spread his fingers across his face, allowing peek holes for his eyes. Not even as he recognised the identical expressions pity on the two boys' faces. For the first time in a while, Magnus just let himself sob shamelessly, for what felt like hours.

He had to find a way to make this up to Alec.

But was that even possible?

How do you tell someone that you still love them, even after you have destroyed them to breaking point?

How could Alec ever trust what he said?

How could they ever be the same as they were, the way they were before?

_How, _Magnus thought, _will I ever be able to look into his eyes again?_

* * *

**Reviews?**

**Also, I came to a violent realisation that I never informed you of the 'The Outsiders' reference.**

**My apologies.**

**It was, in fact, when Jace punched the hospital wall. I couldn't resist.**


	13. Dreaming of You

**Hey.**

**It's been a long time.**

**Too long.**

**Thanks for all the wonderful reviews. I did get one which sort of pointed out that I am making Alec 'whiny'. Look. This isn't me getting all defensive, but I swear that there is, in fact, another reason why Alec is taking things so hard. You probably won't guess it, and I see why you would simply assume that there is no other reason. I have let this drag on a little. Is eighty pages really that bad?**

**For those of you who hate flashbacks… well, I don't know how you have even managed to get through this story to this point.**

**This chapter has two flashbacks. One a dream, one a memory.**

**I think that it is almost as important that you know the pasts of **_**my **_**Magnus and Alec as you know their possible futures. I also happened to realise that Magnus breaking it off with Alec was one of the most important parts of this story, but you never got to see how it happened. **

**Now you do.**

* * *

_Magnus stilled his gaze upon his beloved Alec as he entered the apartment, using a key he had given him such a long time ago. It was like a blow to the heart, a stab to what would already be the hardest decision of his life._

_What's more was the fact that Alec was smiling as he walked in. Magnus thought about what would usually happen when Alec got back from his job of almost getting killed by demons on a daily basis. Usually, he would practically strip Alec down, partially to check for wounds, partially something else, and would tell him how much he loved the other boy, over and over again._

_Usually he made Alec happy._

_But had he really been making him happy, or just been prolonging what would surely be a life of uncertainty and dread?_

_Magnus shuddered. He knew that he had to do something, even if it broke his heart. Even if it shattered him and Alec so completely._

"_Hey, Magnus," came Alec's cheerful voice. He sounded so happy, at that time. So trusting, and undoubtedly pleased. But Magnus forced himself to think harder. Would Alec still be happy in ten years, when he looked to be twenty-eight, and the warlock himself still appeared to be nineteen? What about twenty years, when Alec looked and felt thirty-eight? It wouldn't last, Magnus told himself. And he couldn't put Alec through that._

"_And see, I'm fine this time," said Alec, still smiling as he raised his shirt, showing his beautiful shadowhunter physique. He had grown used to Magnus's checks, and perhaps had learned to enjoy them. Magnus glanced at the revealed flesh, still feeling the urge to make sure that Alec was okay._

_Usually the warlock would have said something somewhat dirty, like '"_Fine"_ Alec? Yes you are.' But he couldn't. Not today. Not ever again._

_Usually Magnus would have eyed every inch of Alec's body, scanning it for even the slightest scratch that would hurt Alec in even the slightest way. Now, Magnus decided, he was inflicting the wound._

_Magnus's expression was empty. He stared at Alec's bare flesh, thinking of the first time he had ever seen Alec's body properly. He couldn't figure out why, but he had always imagined the skin to be smooth over his trained abs, and had been somewhat surprised when he saw that it was covered in scars. Magnus had thought that because he was so beautiful, so flawless… so _young, _he wouldn't have any. Magnus rarely dated shadowhunters, and seldom were they teenagers. But there those white marks had been, both from wounds and ruins, and Magnus had been shocked at the time._

_Alec hadn't been. He had seemed almost proud of them, saying something along the lines of wounds being the medals of a warrior. Magnus had asked if he would like him to somehow find a way to take the marks away, and the boy had actually been somewhat offended, and even a little self-conscious, asking the warlock if he thought they were so ugly as to wish them away. His face then had been almost betrayed, and a little hurt. Merely seeing Alec like that had made Magnus upset, knowing that he had stirred up feelings within his little shadowhunter that he had always tried to avoid; the ones of heartbreak, fear and self-hate._

_And now he would be awakening them all._

_How could he do this? True, he had broken up with hundreds of men and women before, but this was Alec Lightwood. He was everything he had ever desired; he was the only thing that had truly mattered in eight hundred years of existence. And now he had to discard him._

"_Alec, please sit down. We need to talk."_

_Magnus could feel his voice shaking as he spoke, the words sounding scared and regretful rather than powerful, like he had intended. Alec looked at him, his expression falling from bliss to a sort of sceptical look, halfway between sadness and curiosity._

"_Is there… something wrong Magnus?" asked Alec, sitting obediently on Magnus's sofa. "I am fine, you know that, right? I swear, nothing went wrong this time."_

_Magnus shook his head, his mind racing, trying to think of an acceptable way to do what he had to do._

"_Th-there is something wrong… there is so much wrong, Alec," said Magnus, trying to make his voice sound flippant, and failing miserably. "Alec, this was a mistake."_

_Alec bit his lip anxiously. _

"_What was a mistake?" came Alec's voice, soft and lined with an almost tangible fear._

"_This. Everything we have. It was a mistake." Magnus's voice was slowly gaining confidence, no longer sounding as though he would choke at any moment, but still had an edge to it, like it wasn't at all real, the emotions false. "It was my fault, Alec. I was far too persistent in having you, but this isn't working. Nothing will come of what we have."_

_Magnus looked up, meeting Alec's beautiful eyes, and was shocked to see that Alec had shut down._

_Alec was the one who was sensitive to other people's moods, who could tell when someone was upset, or lying, or entirely false, yet Magnus's voice still seemed to be critically injuring the shadowhunter. His expression… it was eerily familiar to Magnus. It wasn't the one which Alec gave him. Usually Alec was cheerful in his presence. No, it wasn't an expression he had been overly familiar with. It was the expression he had worn when he was with the other shadowhunters._

_Before._

_When Alec had thought that being gay was something to be ashamed of, when he had tried so desperately to blend in, to hide away from the people who possessed the terrifying ability to hurt him so deeply. It was the expression he wore when his parents had been around, and when Jace had been suspicious._

_It was the expression that should have indicated to Magnus the self-loathing and undeserved shame within Alec._

_Alec didn't speak, but gave a hesitant jerk of the head to indicate that he was listening. Magnus continued to speak, trying to stop his throat from closing as he held back tears, slowly ripping apart his own heart._

"_I was… ignorant to think that this could have possibly worked out for the better. I was being idiotically optimistic." Magnus found himself trying to make his voice harsh, as though he meant the words he was saying. "We are different Alec. We don't fit together right. We want different things, and we don't seem to let up on each other. I want to end this now, before we start hating each other. I don't want to hate you Alec, no matter what, I don't want to hate you, and if we just end this now… we can leave before our world comes crashing down around us."_

_Magnus was still holding Alec's dead gaze, seeing the hurt on the boy's face only in the lifeless way his features had twisted, his face having paled._

"_I… maybe you're right Magnus," said Alec, though the way his voice sounded told the warlock that Alec did not think he was right. "Maybe I couldn't see that… this wasn't as good as it seemed. Maybe… maybe you would have ended hating me, but you are wrong about two things."_

_Magnus's eyes widened, seeing the courage in what Alec was saying. He raised an eyebrow, asking Alec to continue._

"_I would," said Alec, choking on his own words, but proceeding to speak anyway. "I would never hate you."_

_Magnus's heart froze, his every fibre wishing to tell Alec the same thing, but he forced his own expression to stay cold, instead gestured Alec to say his second point. Alec seemed hurt further by his lack of emotion, head falling down, unable to look the warlock in the eye, his voice coming in only a whisper._

"_And even if y-you hated me… I wouldn't blame you, if you hated me. It's okay if you do…"_

_Magnus's every instinct told him to drop the act. They told him to stop being such an idiot and put his arms around Alec, to comfort him in any way he could. His instincts told him that Alec wasn't okay._

_But he had to do this._

_He had to say that he had tried everything to stop Alec from wasting his youth on someone who could never age. He had to try, even if he broke two hearts in the process._

_Going against his every instinct, Magnus ignored Alec's words._

"_I understand that you have moved all your things to here, but I think I will 'post' them back to the Institute for you, if that's okay." It wasn't a question. "I don't think living together would be a very good idea, given the circumstances. It would only make this… more difficult."_

_Alec was looking at him as though he was trying to suppress a shock, as though being shocked through Magnus's sudden desire to abandon him was something he should have seen coming. Magnus wished that Alec was mad at him. He wished that he was furious, and asking why he was being such a jerk, rather than sitting there and looking almost ashamed of himself._

_Magnus suppressed the enormous urge to tell Alec that he didn't mean anything he said, instead forcing his voice to possess a steely sheen._

"_I'm sorry this is so sudden. I had an epiphany last night, that this wouldn't work out. No matter how hard I pushed it to, how long we stuck at it; it would all just fall to pieces. I mean, we can't be happy together, so we should stop forcing it."_

_Alec's expression hadn't changed. Magnus hated the things he was saying, wishing whole heartedly that Alec would reach out and slap him in the face. How could Alec not see through this façade? He, who was so perceptive, was not able to see even the faintest trace of pain in the warlock's eyes as he tore apart everything he loved so much?_

_And then the answer hit him, like a tour bus through Times Square; slowly and painfully._

_Alec wasn't seeing through Magnus for the simple reason of it being Magnus._

_Neither reason nor rhyme had anything to do with Alec's perceptions. Alec, Magnus decided, had never been completely comfortable with his status with the warlock. He was always so unsure of where he stood that he probably would hardly question Magnus breaking up with him. Even as Magnus straight out lied, telling the boy that they hadn't been happy after living together in pure bliss, only spoiled by the tragedy of mortality. Magnus had been so happy._

_Alec had been happy too. But then, as he sat on Magnus's sofa, he didn't dare speak a word against Magnus. He didn't tell the warlock how happy he had been every single moment Magnus had held him. He didn't even whisper a syllable to indicate to his lover exactly how much this decision was tearing him apart._

"_I really am sorry, Alec. I shouldn't have let it go on for so long. Not like this."_

_Still no response. Magnus felt like begging Alec to speak. He just wanted to hear his voice, one last time. Magnus mentally slapped himself. He couldn't keep thinking like this. It needed to be a clean and cold break up. Alec had to leave without even wanting to love him. He forced his voice to turn icy._

"_And, I am sorry to say, that I will no longer be prepared to do tedious patchwork on your shadowhunters. It would be both awkward and unwelcome. Hence, here is the number of a fine warlock, who would be more than happy to take my place. She is cheap, available and highly qualified."_

_Still silence, Alec's eyes dull and dead. If Magnus had have looked further into his expression, he wouldn't have missed the signs of Alec's obvious hurt._

_But he didn't look further into it._

_When he saw Alec blinking rapidly, he told himself that it was just a draft. _

"_Well, that's about all. If you need money, I will fill your bank account. Don't go sleeping on the streets. Don't talk to strangers, and last but not least, don't run with scissors." Magnus's words were so harsh, sharp like a weapon used to deal out the final blow._

_But what would this weapon achieve?_

_Would it work as a defence for what would have turned into a tragic, bitter romance?_

_Or had Magnus mistakenly wielded it against the person who he loved more than the world itself?_

_Magnus made a gesture at the apartment door, opening it for Alec. Despite this being a usually pleasant thing to do, it wasn't intended as such._

_His little shadowhunter obediently stood up, and walked as gracefully as ever to the exit, face still expressionless. Magnus thought that he would never get to hear his voice again as he reached the door, but he surprised Magnus once again as his soft voice filled the warlock's ear._

"_I-I'm, so sorry Magnus," whispered Alec, his voice seeming to echo, though it could have merely been from the weight placed upon these words._

"_What?" asked Magnus, momentarily stunned._

"_I'm sorry, that I couldn't be what you wanted. I'm sorry that I was a terrible boyfriend, whose insecurities always got the better of him. I'm sorry, Magnus." _

_I'm sorry Magnus._

_I'm so sorry._

_I'm sorry Magnus…_

* * *

The memory of the breakup had corrupted Magnus's thoughts for the first time since he had found Alec. He had tried _so _hard not to think about it, but that morning Magnus awoke drenched in cold sweat and fresh tears, replacing the old ones from the night before.

He could remember every detail of that day. Every single look in his beloved's eyes. Every single move he made, but he had never thought that this could possibly happen. No matter how upset Alec might have been on the inside, or how dead he appeared on the outside, Magnus would never have thought Alec would attempt to take his own life.

And he was sorry.

Alec was actually sorry for making Magnus upset, when all of the warlock's wounds were self-inflicted. All of the damage had been done by himself, with no aid from the shadowhunter at all. But Alec still blamed himself.

Magnus should have known something was wrong. He should have been aware that something was _very _wrong, merely by the way Alec had apologised to him before he left. Looking back on it, it was not normal behaviour.

Magnus thought about Simon, terrified out of his wits just by the way Alec had lost his mind so completely, unlike how he had kept himself composed for Magnus. He wondered how Alec was handling Maryse, who had been at his side since Simon had left, or even Isabelle and Jace, who had surely joined their mother. Magnus supposed that Alec would probably try to act as normal as possible, not wanting to seem weak in front of his family. The thought made Magnus sick, that Alec could feel so threatened in front of the people who loved him so much. But then again, would Magnus have really preferred Alec to have another breakdown in front of his family?

Magnus let out a shuddering breath. Nothing was fitting into place. It was like his life had been a beautiful jigsaw puzzle, and now all of the pieces were splayed across a continent, the shards of his happiness hidden away.

He wondered how Alec felt.

People would be trying to figure him out, probably claiming that he was insane, just like Simon had. It was, Magnus supposed, not an overly strange assumption considering the shadowhunter's actions, but Magnus knew that he could fix him.

He shouldn't be able to fix him. He knew that after breaking someone's pure heart in the way he had shouldn't be able to lead to being able to mend it. Alec should be furious with him. He _should _hate him.

But he didn't.

That much was obvious.

Magnus wondered what others would think of Alec's attempts to end his life. Just another teenage gay suicide? He wondered if any of the shadowhunters would be so cruel as to revel in the knowledge that such a 'prissy' example of a shadowhunter had felt so bad.

Magnus hadn't been oblivious to the way others thought of his beloved. Not the people from the Lightwood Institute, naturally. Even his father, who had taken the longest to adjust to his son's sexuality, was okay with Alec being 'the way he is'. To them, Alec was just a boy who liked boys. He was less feminine than Jace, and couldn't flirt to save his life.

But that wasn't how other people knew Alec.

To some shadowhunters, Alec was a mere face of homosexuality. He was the 'sissy' boy, the 'gay kid'. They saw Alec as the boy who disgraced the Clave by kissing his Downworlder _boyfriend_ for the world to see. Magnus hated it that people always just assumed things about his little shadowhunter. That he would hear whispers about him, and couldn't say a word against them for the risk of Alec being ostracised. It especially hurt Magnus that he had been forbidden to defend Alec after the boy had come home one day with a broken rib and bruises for fighting two werewolves who were allegedly calling Magnus a 'whore'. Magnus had known that many people thought of him that way. It hadn't particularly bothered him; he dressed a certain way, and knew what repercussions that could have. The thought that Alec would take offense to such comments hadn't even crossed his mind. He remembered the conversation.

'Why would you do this to yourself?' he had asked, trying to mend Alec's various injuries as quickly as possible, hating the sight of Alec in pain.

'They were calling you names, Magnus,' whispered Alec, as though he couldn't imagine anything worse. 'They were calling you a _whore_. Doesn't that bother you?'

Magnus had sighed.

'Yes, Alec, it bothers me, but not enough to ever risk you for their petty words. I'm not innocent, Alec. Before I met you, I had been around. Not to that extent, but it was common knowledge that I knew how to have a good time. I don't want you fighting for my sake. It doesn't bother me that much.'

'Well,' said Alec, voice filled with determination, 'it bothers me. I love you, Magnus. You are _beautiful_, and they cannot talk about the single best person in my life like trash. I won't allow it, not even in jest. They can say what they want about me, but not about you. Never about you.

'You're too good for that.'

Alec's words had been beautiful, but they had sparked something within Magnus.

'Oh! So it is okay if you get yourself all worked up about what people say about me, but the moment I worry about you, you freak out. Is that it?' Magnus, who had fully mended Alec's broken rib, had thrown his arms up in exasperation. 'It's okay for _you _to fight, but I can't defend you? I'm strong enough, Alec. I can handle it.'

Alec had looked pained for a while. Magnus wondered if he had missed something, until Alec stood up and walked to Magnus's lone chair, where the warlock had sat down, and kneeled over Magnus's lap.

Magnus had to admit, this had been one of his favourite positions for quite a while. The seat could have easily accommodated two people, but Magnus had sat in the middle as usual. Alec's shins rested flat against the cushion, his knees against the back of chair while his feet dangled over the edge, his body facing Magnus in a way which was extremely intimate as he literally crouched on his lover's lap.

'You _know _why you can't speak up for me. Not only would the shadowhunters go wild, but I don't…'

'Don't what, Alec?'

'I don't want you getting beat up, or hated for my sake. I do that enough to people already. They can think what they want about me. They can regard me with the same respect they present to the dirt on their boots, they wouldn't always be wrong in thinking of me in such a way, but they can _never _speak a word against you and get away with it.'

'Why?' Magnus had asked in a hushed tone.

'Because I love you more than I fear them.'

'No… no, Alec. Why would you let them treat you like that? How would they be right, in any respect?'

'Because… sometimes what I am is disgusting and repulsive,' Alec had said. Magnus's eyes had widened in shock. Alec hastily continued. 'I don't mean… I don't mean loving you, Magnus. I mean… I am a coward, aren't I? I can be pathetic without any shame. I-I hadn't killed a demon until I was eighteen. I think Jace killed his first when he was twelve? I was too afraid to even admit that I loved the most beautiful man in the entire world for a while. I can see why they can call me those thi-'

'Don't _ever _let me hear you talk about yourself like that again, Alec,' Magnus had ground out, his tone part way though shock and fury. 'You are _not _repulsive or disgusting, okay? You are _everything _to me, so don't question my taste.'

Magnus had tried to end the conversation on a lighter note, but Alec's words had been burned into his mind. _Sometimes what I am is disgusting and repulsive._

'If I questioned your taste, maybe I wouldn't feel like you were settling for someone below you,' whispered Alec, into Magnus's ear so that he couldn't see the way Magnus's eyes widened in dismay. Magnus pulled Alec even closer to him so that their bodies were pressed together from the hips up.

'No matter what, Alec, I need you to know that you are my one and only love. Forever, Alec. Forever, it will always just be you in my heart. Never another.'

Alec had let out a long sigh.

'No Magnus,' he had said, resting his cheek on Magnus's shoulder. 'When I die, I want you to fall in love all over again. I want you to be so in love that you will never feel sad about me again because you will be _that _happy. Even if, perchance, I am your favourite, I don't want to be your last.'

Magnus had been without words for a long moment, the depth of Alec's words striking him hard.

'No Alec, you don't understand. I have never been this much in absolute awe of anyone, in all of my existence. You are, and will be, the only person to have ever made me this way.'

Alec had sighed, part way though contentment and frustration, and lifted himself so that he was eye to eye with the taller warlock.

'Say what you like, Magnus.' Alec seemed resolved, which annoyed Magnus. His little shadowhunter had seemed so accepting of the fact that Magnus could someday forget him forever. He needed to know Magnus loved him.

'If I should live a thousand years more, I will still never forget a moment which I had the pleasure of spending with you.'

Alec smiled, mouth just inches away from Magnus's own.

'You sure know how to sweet talk a boy, don't you?' Alec was trying to diffuse the situation. Magnus could tell as much, but he let it happen anyway. He slowly pulled Alec's face forward to meet his own, allowing their lips to greet each other in a union of passion. Not for the first time, Magnus had wished that the moment could last forever, just him and Alec.

Eventually, they came up to breathe, Magnus flipping Alec over so that they had swapped positions, Alec now on the bottom while Magnus had held his shoulders against the back of the chair. Rather than going in for seconds, Magnus began to trail kisses down his neck, occasionally nipping at his delicate skin. Alec would sometimes allow a low, pleasant hum to escape his throat. He would always look embarrassed, no matter how frequently Magnus would say how much he loved to hear his noises.

'Alec… don't be afraid. I love everything about you. I want to hear you, Alec.' Magnus was practically purring, but Alec merely shook his head, face reddening as his jaw clenched. Magnus quickly nipped some more of his lover's exposed flesh, eliciting from him a long moan.

It was music to Magnus's ears.

'Stop, Magnus… I can't… I can't…'

'Can't what, Alec?'

Alec had grabbed Magnus's shoulders to hold the warlock still, forcing Magnus to stop. He could have continued, of course. He could have returned to ravishing his darling with ease, but he knew what happened when he pushed it too far.

It didn't, however, stop him from _wanting _to push it.

'Can't _what_, Alec?' hissed Magnus, his voice coming out more harsh than he had intended. He checked himself as he saw that Alec had winced at his words. 'I know you want this, Alec. It isn't just a physical reaction. You want this because it is right. It feels right when we are together, so why would you ask me to stop?'

'It all… it all feels so strange. To be… loved like this. To finally have the most wonderful man on the planet love me like _this_.' Alec had managed to stammer out the three sentences, pressing his face into the warlock's shoulder to conceal his blushing features. Magnus knew he had pushed Alec too far that night. He had made him speak aloud of his insecurities, even though Magnus already knew of them.

'Alec, sweetie, I know that you have been terrified that this would never happen, and now it is… but you don't have to be scared. You don't have to be afraid of being happy, Alec. There isn't any consequence to come of feeling joyful because your sexy boyfriend knows where and how to use his mouth.'

Alec was blushing even more than Magnus thought was possible, but he was also wearing a cute, almost relieved grin.

'I know… and I'm sorry if I was out of line for beating the crap out of those guys.' There was a pause, in which Alec pulled a somewhat amusing expression of doubt. 'Actually, I'm not. They deserved it. I am, however, sorry if it upsets you that I wouldn't let you do the same thing for me, but you know that the Clave would lose it, and I'm sure ripping a homophobe Downworlder or shadowhunter to shreds to defend your shadowhunter boyfriend breaks the Accords somewhere along the lines.'

Magnus had smiled, pulling his love forward so that he spoke into his ear.

'It's okay Alec. I just wish that I could take away the sting of life when it whips you with such cruel words. I wish that I could make you hurt less when people try to belittle you, like you do for me. But Alexander…'

'Alec!' Alec had interrupted, irritated by the use of his given name. A coy smile spread across Magnus's face.

'_Alec_. There is one thing that I can promise you now.'

'Mmm?' hummed Alec, grinning as the topic had changed to a lighter tone.

'I will _never _hurt you. Unless to save you, I will not ever hurt you.'

Alec's eyes widened as he inhaled deeply. Magnus waited for his words to sink in, before receiving Alec's terrifying response.

The words had sounded so resolved, like the last time he had spoken them. It sounded as if he was touched that Magnus was kind enough to say such beautiful things, but they could never truly be intended for his ears. What was worse was the fact that Alec didn't seem to mind that in his own mind at least, he had to be Magnus's second best.

The way he moved, spoke and touched all seemed to indicate that he felt unworthy of Magnus. Who was he, a tattered shadowhunter, to stand at Magnus's side? Perfection deserved perfection, did it not?

So instead of a gracious acceptance of Magnus's proclamation, Alec had merely looked at the man on top of him with a peaceful smile, which defied the words which would soon befall his mouth entirely.

'Say what you like, Magnus.'

Magnus had felt so frustrated at the time. How could prove that he loved Alec? How could he make Alec, who was so determined to assume that he was mediocre, see the reasoning of him being the single point of Magnus's universe which made him feel in pure, uncontrollable bliss.

At the time he had kissed Alec senseless, as though that could solve all of their problems. Alec had kissed him back, like nothing had even happened.

Magnus hadn't even considered the possibility that he could have been using Alec. Had he? Just for his beauty? His touch? Or was that love; the basking in the glory of someone precious? Was love meant to be selfish? No one had ever told him that love came easily, but he had been sure that it was supposed to be more certain in that he would never become selfish.

Love turned people into beasts. 'Like' was different. When two people 'like' each other, the romance is playful and little. They are like friends, growing old and raising a family together. They could grow up to become happy, happier than most could ever hope to be, but there is a limit.

Love is a gamble. It is putting all of your cards down for the ultimate prize, despite the unfavourable odds. Love is being prepared to sign away your soul to someone who could take advantage of you so completely, yet you would hardly care. Love, Magnus concluded, was being willing to risk _everything_.

Alec had certainly been willing to risk everything.

He had kissed him in front of hundreds of shadowhunters and Downworlders alike.

In many ways, Alec had played the game of love, and almost lost.

Magnus wondered if he would end up winning. Had he been willing to risk everything he had for Alec?

In some ways, it was a definite 'no'. He hadn't been willing to risk the possibility of a failed and unhappy relationship with Alec, and had come inches away from losing Alec forever. But in other ways…

In other ways, Magnus _had _been willing to risk losing his every last shreds of hope and happiness. In order to save Alec from a possible life of suffering, he had risked never seeing one of the few things that mattered to him ever again. The very thought had been torture, throughout the whole execution. He had risked his sole vessel of hope for the prayer that someone else would be able to steer him to safety.

Yes, Magnus had played the game of love too, and had come so unbearably close to losing Alec that it hurt to even think about him. But for some reason- some incomprehensible reason- Magnus wasn't going to fold again. Not this time.

This time, Magnus was going to play his cards right. As long as Alec played for him, he would bet everything he had, because he would be the luckiest man on the world. To have someone who still loved him, if Simon's words had been any indication, after what he had done and the consequences he had caused was a fate that should hardly be fair.

But how was it fair that he even deserved Alec?

How could he deserve that beautiful pale skin when he had caused it to be dowsed in blood and coloured by death?

How could he deserve that magnificent body to ever be beneath his own again after he had caused it to be scarred and pained?

How, Magnus asked himself, could he possibly deserve to ever look into those shining, perfect eyes when he had made them weep the tears of worthlessness?

This time, no one was watching Magnus Bane as he remembered his lover and asked himself these unanswerable questions. No one was there to see him as he freely sobbed into his pillow, allowing the remnants of his severely smudged eye make up to stain the covers. No one was there to hear his cries as he thought of Alexander Lightwood, in all his beauty, apologising to the air in the way Simon had described.

_Magnus, I'm sorry._

_I'm so, so sorry._

_I'm sorry, Magnus…_

* * *

**Wow.**

**That was really angsty.**

**The next chapter has Jace.**

**I like it soley because I don't think The Mortal Instruments ever really delved into the world of Alec/Jace bromance. I mean, Jace loves Alec.**

**You get to hear him actually say it. Tear filled confessions, realisations and hysterical laughing all ensue.**

**Just noting, this is my longest ever chapter.**

**Rewards/reviews?**


	14. Crying For You

**Hey.**

**I am, in fact, still alive. Sorry about the whole 'Long time, no see.' Exams.**

'**nough said.**

**On the up/down side, the chapters are somehow becoming longer. This meaning of course; better for you, several thousand times more difficult for me. Plus I ramble.**

**Please don't slay me.**

**Fact of the Chapter: http:/tmisource. com /the-books/the-mortal-instruments/ city-of-lost-souls-teasers/**

**I know it isn't necessarily a fact, but I figured fourteen teasers for City of Lost Souls is worthy of being shared. A lot of you may have read them, but a lot of you aren't nerds like me.**

**Remove the spaces.**

* * *

Magnus heard Jace stride into the room before he saw him, too busy burying his tear streaked face into the poor, now blemished, pillow. He looked up at the shadowhunter without his usual sense of pride telling him that he looked like something had thrown up demon blood all over his face as he let the make-up blacked tears dry to his caramel skin.

He took a little pleasure in seeing that Jace wasn't exactly looking like his regular self either. He was still wearing the same clothes he had been the previous night/morning (whichever way you look at it). His red jeans were crumpled and no longer looked crisp, and his shirt appeared to be stained with some fast food from Taki's. If only this was taken into account, Jace would have looked no worse than Simon on a good day. No. It was the way his confident stride had slowed to a miserable step. The way his shoulders sagged at his side, messy, unwashed hair falling to meet them. Jace's eyes were mostly covered by a fringe, but Magnus could see shadows forming beneath his eyes.

"Get up," said Jace in a dead sounding tone. It wasn't such in the way that someone could ever accuse him of being uncaring. It was more of a 'Get up. I'm not in the mood for this, and I may kill you at any given moment' tone. "You're fixing Alec's wrists today. We are running out of blood, and it he keeps going like this, we will run out of bandages too."

Jace hadn't looked at him as he spoke, instead looking down as he crossed the room to sit against a window. Magnus wondered how he had even known he was there at all.

"Have you seen Alec yet?" Magnus dared to ask, forcing the tears to stop. Jace's head snapped up.

"Yes," he seethed, "I have."

"Is he… is he okay?" Magnus flinched at the word 'okay'. It had been a stupid choice of words. How could Alec possibly be 'okay'? The look which crossed Jace's confirmed this as his head snapped up, a glare rising to meet Magnus's still wet eyes.

"No." Magnus's eyes widened. Jace's voice wasn't snide. It wasn't sarcastic or angry, but just scared, breaking at the edges and little more than a whisper. "He is not okay. He is very _not _okay. Now hurry up. When my brother wakes up, I don't want him to see you looking like _that_. As if he hasn't been through enough already."

Magnus knew the insult had been forced merely by the way Jace had said the words 'my brother'. Magnus wondered why he was using those words so frequently to describe Alec. It hadn't been like that before… was he asserting his family link to Alec, or was it something else? What had happened?

"Jace… did something happen when you were with Alec?" Magnus hesitantly asked. He wasn't sure if he was expecting Jace to answer, but his eyes remained trained on the blond shadowhunter. Jace let out a shaky breath.

"I… I thought Simon was exaggerating. I thought that Simon was just a stupid former mundane, and didn't know what he was talking about. I thought that when I got there, Alec would be blushing, and talking to me about how stupid he had been. I was so sure that what Alec had done was a spur of the moment decision, caused by heartbreak, and he would be glad that he is still here. But…"

The words began to sink in. 'But'.

"Alec… Alec isn't… I mean, he d-doesn't want to be…?" Magnus could feel his throat constricting as he spoke, the words refusing to come. He couldn't bear to finish the question. Jace began to shake his head, his face stony and exhausted.

"No, and you need to fix this." Jace paused, looking up to meet Magnus's eyes again, his gaze determined and pleading. "_Please_, Magnus. Please fix this."

Magnus tried not to show how startled he was in being the receiver of an actual plea from Jace. As far as he knew, he was the first person Jace had actually shown such an honour to with the mere exception of Clary.

"Jace… what happened? Did Alec… did Alec 'see' me again?" Magnus asked, his voice hopeful, yet hopeless, at the same time. From the look which Jace was giving him, one of false irritation and misery, Magnus decided that he could safely assume that Alec had 'seen' him.

"Twice," murmured Jace. "He saw you… he saw you _twice_."

Magnus felt, not for the first time that day, incredibly ill. His stomach felt like it was constricting in on itself as cold shudders raced through the warlock's veins.

"No…" Magnus trailed off. 'No'? 'No' what? _No, I couldn't have possibly done that to Alec? _thought Magnus. But he had done that. He knew that he had, but the knowledge was so overwhelming, so horrific. A part of him, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, kept screaming that he had. He had scarred Alec so deeply, both emotionally and physically.

"Magnus, can we just go?"

There was yet another note of pleading in Jace's voice, but Magnus refused to relent.

"Jace, what happened? Did something actually get worse? Who is with Alec?" Magnus peered at Jace. His dirty, messy blond hair sagged over his eyes, but his mouth was pulled down at the sides.

"Maryse couldn't take it," said Jace after a long sigh. "After Max, after Robert… she couldn't handle seeing Alec like that. So powerless." Jace looked like he wanted to crawl into a hole, his voice cracking more than once. "She was okay when Alec was asleep, though. She sat with him and waited until he would awake for hours, seemingly prepared for what her son would awake to say.

"After our little chat, I went over to join my mother. By the time I got there Alec was already awake, but he was panting as though from a nightmare, but it went on for minutes," Jace was shaking his head. "He kept insisting that you were there. He kept trying to tell us that you were there, just calling his name. We tried to calm him down, Maryse even told him to ignore you, but you've never been one for being ignored, have you Magnus? Alec was shaking and hyperventilating, and all we could do was-"

Jace broke off, seeming to have worked himself into a state.

"All we could do was send him back to sleep, and pray to the angel that Alec's nightmares aren't any worse than his reality.

"Maryse was crying. I tried to calm her down, tried to tell her that Alec will get better, but she wouldn't have it. Imagine how she must have felt, watching the fear and horror in Alec's eyes as he struggled in his bed, watching a phantom torture her son.

"She left, Magnus. She couldn't stand being beside her son and having no idea how to comfort him. I think that's why she wouldn't let Izzy see him either. She sees herself in Isabelle, and I think she wants to protect at least one of her children from… this."

"She left you alone with Alec?"

"Yes, and I know it is killing her that she can't bear to watch her oldest child thrash around in shackles. You have to believe you when I tell you that she is not a bad mother."

"I believe you." Magnus knew this. He wondered how he would be able to face Alec after everything he had done. The thought left him terrified. Jace nodded in response.

"He didn't sleep for very long. Maybe half an hour at the most?" Jace creased his forehead, as though it even mattered how long Alec had slept.

"He woke up, without the screaming, and for a moment I thought that he was over it. That it was fine. Even when he awoke, we stayed quiet for a few moments. Finally, he broke the silence.

"It wasn't anything extravagant, or touching. It was _so _Alec," said Jace, almost fondly. "All he said was 'Hey Jace', like everything was still normal. Like he hadn't just tried to take away my brother; your better half. I didn't know what to say. 'Why did you do that to yourself?' or," Jace actually laughed, " 'Are you okay?'

"I ended up asking him how he was feeling, which was a step better. I don't know what I was thinking. How did I expect Alec to answer? 'Oh, me? I'm the bee's knees.' ? Or did I want him to lie, to make me feel better. So that I could play my ongoing game of pretend where everything is okay between me and Alec?

"He told me that he felt 'nearly dead', and laughed." Jace eyed Magnus, who had begun to extract his eye make-up. Both paused as they looked at each other, both looking awful. "He laughed quite a lot, almost hysterically. He eventually stopped, and looked at me like I was an alien. I asked him what was wrong, and he just said 'Don't you get it Jace? _Nearly dead_? As in quite close, but not _nearly _enough.'"

Suddenly everything froze as Magnus's whole body tensed. Jace's previous words rang loudly in his ears; _I was so sure that what Alec had done was a spur of the moment decision, caused by heartbreak, and he would be glad that he is still here. But…_

Magnus tried to imagine Alec the way Jace described him, crazily craving death over the false reality which Magnus had given him.

"I told Alec to stop it. I was… abrupt I suppose, but something seemed to completely change about his attitude. It was like something had been inhabiting him, and it just disappeared. It was as though I had thrown cold water over him, and he stopped laughing darkly to himself and started _blushing_. He actually blushed, and looked completely embarrassed. There was a lot of silence, and Alec looked so humiliated. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to… I don't know, _apologise _to him, but he beat me to the point.

"He told me that he must have been such an embarrassment. He asked if I hated him, for being the way he is and being so weak. I told him that I didn't, and never would hate him. He just smiled sadly at me, as though thanking me, but not believing a word I said.

"Then he just said 'I'm sorry, you know. I didn't want you guys to find me. It would have been a bit… graphic. You could have just left me there. It wouldn't have had to be embarrassing, either. You could have pretended I was killed by a demon, or said some outrageous tale of how I disgraced our family by eloping with an unknown man and had been severed from our family line.'" Jace looked at Magnus, as though to gauge a reaction. If he was aiming for a reaction, Magnus certainly did not disappoint. His eyes were downcast, his fingers still working at trying to remove his make-up were shaking beyond his control. What he hadn't been expecting was Magnus to actually speak up.

"You told him to stop being stupid, didn't you? You told him that he didn't have to be sorry, that he didn't-"

"Of course I did!" hissed Jace loudly. "I love my brother. I told him that he deserved to live, no matter how bad he feels. I told him that he would never be a disgrace because he is incredible, every single day." Jace's voice broke, and Magnus knew where this was going. Magnus had seen all too much of the shadowhunters being cruel to Alec, but Jace actually _lived_ with him. He must have seen these things every single day. "I hear the things people say behind not-so-closed doors. I see the way some shadowhunters just shove Alec whenever the opportunity presents itself, but he was still prepared to love you." Jace took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Even after this, he still loves you."

Magnus couldn't help but feel startled at that statement. Alec was shoved? Was there more to it? Alec had never said anything, nor had he seen such violence being taken out on his little shadowhunter, but then again; who would push Alec around in his presence? Now that he thought about it, it wouldn't have been difficult to disguise the bruises, blaming them on training and demons…

"He asked about you, in case you were wondering. He asked if it was true that you had helped to save him. When I told him that it was, he couldn't even comprehend why you would do it. I told him that it was because you still love him, but he said that there had to be a mistake. Even when I told him that you only broke up with him to save him, he called me a liar.

"I think I broke, then," came Jace's voice, now in a trance like state. "I don't know why, but something about being called a liar by my brother who recently tried to kill himself and still isn't quite comfortable with his being alive got to me. I started to cry.

"Alec couldn't do anything. You know they actually strapped his arms to the railing of the bed? He looked so sorry, and I immediately wished that I could have taken back my tears.

"I ended up crying in his shoulder, for everything I had lost, and everything that was nearly taken away from me.

"I cried for Max, who had idolised me, and was taken away by a demon from beneath our very roof.

"I cried for Clary, for almost losing her time and time again. For loving her more than anyone else, and hating myself just a little bit for that.

"I cried for Alec. You have to understand what our relationship was always like, and how it always is. I love Alec, like a brother and the best friend I could ever ask for, but I _never _showed it.

"We weren't like normal siblings. We aren't related, but Alec always wanted us to be. I wanted to be friends, but he wanted to be like _true _brothers." Jace wore a bitter grimace, as though he could see a terrible reality which Magnus himself could not. "We used to play together and fight together. When I used to hurt myself, he was the first person to scold me and fix me up. I never thanked him though. not even as Izzy laughed at my idiocy. Even as Robert and Maryse were nowhere to be seen, Alec was always just Alec. My little friend who wanted to be my brother. The closest thing I had to a family.

"Maybe it was because he treated me like someone who he could possibly get close to that I tried to keep him at arm's length. Maybe it was because he was more fragile than the others, and I was dangerous that I tried to keep him away. He never let go of the silly hope that one day we would truly become brothers.

"When I was eleven, having stayed with the Lightwoods for almost a year, I was quite accustomed to Alec placing wasted effort into treating me like someone I wasn't; someone who cared about others. It was on that day that I did something exceptionally cruel." Jace looked far away, as though remembering the world through the twisted eyes of his eleven year old self. Magnus felt like an intrusion upon the very memory.

"That night, I kissed Maryse on the cheek good-night. It was the first time I had ever done something like that, and it surprised everyone, Alec included. I then went over to Robert and hugged him tight. Alec had looked so pleased. It was almost like a Kodak moment. The child who couldn't love was finally giving in to his caring instincts. I even kissed Max and Isabelle on the forehead."

Jace stopped, and Magnus had a feeling he knew why.

"Alec had been beaming as though I had suddenly declared my love for the family. I can still remember fixing him with a cold gaze, even as I smiled, and turning away. I didn't look back; not to see if Alec was okay, not to so much as give him a pat on the shoulder. I just walked away, calling over my shoulder, 'Night, Alec.'"

Silence hung over the two boys, broken only by the sound of Jace's bitter laughing.

"I love him, though. I couldn't have asked for a better older brother, but that was the way things always were. I would lead, and Alec would trail behind me, making sure that I was okay. Once upon a time, before Alec realised the way he was, we used to walk side by side; he would look out for me while I beat up demons, openly scolding me when I screwed up and got myself injured. Eventually he fell a step behind me, making sure that I was safe at all costs. I thought I was so special to him, that I was the only person who could make him do those things. It made me feel wonderful and horrible for so many reasons. I loved the way I felt so special, how his love for me could defy his attention to anyone else, yet awful in that I didn't reciprocate his feelings. Not the way he thought they were, anyway.

"Then one day, Isabelle came with us to slay a demon. We were told that there was only one demon, but it turned out that if you hacked off a limb, it grew back, and the arm or leg would grow a new demon. It wasn't something that Izzy should have faced on her first time against a demon. Still, it ended up being me and her in the front line, with Alec watching over us. I only realised that the thing could grow more of itself after it was too late. Rather than three against one, we ended up having to fight two demons which could duplicate.

"We were both making a mess of things, but managed to avoid making more of the damn things. Eventually, we both came to a place in our fight where we were both cornered. Isabelle through lack of experience, me through complacency." Jace paused. He looked like he was having some sort of enormous internal battle, and Magnus felt a tad guilty. Jace looked away as he spoke. "I was panicked, and even though I knew it was wrong for me to think such an awful thing; I wanted Alec to save me. Even now, when I think about how horrendous these thoughts were, I wanted Alec to save me, instead of his own little sister. I wanted to feel like his top priority, his number one obligation. For once, I had wanted to be loved by someone as more than just an outsider. I wanted to be his brother, even if I didn't want him to be mine.

"He ended up saving Isabelle, and I ended up saving myself. It was then that I thought; Maybe I don't mean that much to Alec. Maybe I had been imagining the way he sought after me. But still, the next fight, like every battle, he stood behind me, watching my back on behalf of the world. When Isabelle wasn't there, we moved in synch, like cogs in a machine. Eventually, I realised that whatever he felt for me, whatever this love was, was all for the brother he thought that I was to him." Jace had begun to pace, not questioning why Magnus had not broken his ongoing monologue.

"Alec and I have spent almost eight years together. He spent nearly eight years being ignored, suppressed, taunted and mocked in my presence. Eight years hiding in my shadow and loving me as a brother without expecting a thing in return, and I couldn't even say 'I love you, Alec'. It could have been simple. It could have been easy, but something always got in the way.

"This morning was the first time that I ever told Alec that I love him. It was the first time I ever held him close and sobbed into his chest. I don't know what I was so afraid of…" Jace trailed off as though contemplating something beyond his grasp. "Even as I cried pathetically on my brother's shoulder, Alec merely nuzzled into my neck, whispering not to cry and that everything would be okay.

"I believed him, too. Hearing his heart beat, listening to his breathing… he felt alive. It was like I would never have to lose him again, almost like I had never lost him at all. But then it all happened again.

"This time, Alec didn't start screaming or thrash around, but rather froze up. His breathing quickened, but he refused to make a sound, choosing to suffer in silence. Eventually I turned to him, gazing into his wide eyes, and asked if he would like me to put him back to sleep. He said that he did, so I drew the rune of him and came here."

Magnus remained silent, even as all the remnants of his make-up had been wiped away, his mind racing with so many thoughts. He tried to imagine the world in which Jace spoke. A place where his little shadowhunter was rejected by his brother time after time, even as Jace wanted to be his the same closeness. He tried to imagine a world in which Jace could be jealous of Isabelle for being the recipient of Alec's undivided attention. It was a strange place, he decided, to think about. Such a complicated family tie, twisted through time, forgiveness and fear. Magnus couldn't think of a single word to say.

"I'm sick of manipulating him, Magnus. I am sick of trying to influence the way he thinks, rather than letting him make his own decisions." With that, Jace turned to face the warlock, meeting his yellow-green eyes with his own. "Are you?"

Magnus gasped involuntarily.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you done treating Alec like you have an influence over him. You play around with him because you know what to do. You _know _that Alec is more than willing to do anything for you, and you use that. I know you love him, but you have him in chains, and sometimes you pull a little too hard." Jace wasn't looking at Magnus unkindly, but there was a kind of fire in his eyes. "I know you think you know Alec. Enough to get him to come out to his parents. Enough to change him into a more comfortable person. But you took it upon yourself to play puppet with Alec. To make a serious decision without his permission is something which I very much disagree with, because you didn't know him well enough to realise that his love for you would always exceed his love for his own happiness."

"I know. I always knew how Alec felt about me, with few exceptions." Magnus murmured his honest words, fighting back tears all over again. "This wasn't one of them."

Jace froze, eyes displaying a plethora of questions, begging to be inquired, but only one word slipped the shadowhunter's lips.

"Why?"

"I knew how he would feel, but I had no idea that he would do _this_. I thought he would cry before, begging me to stay. I thought I would snap, and go crawling back to him within a week. I never thought this to have even been a possibility. I knew how he would feel. Even with the cruelty which I knew myself to be inflicting upon him. I knew how he felt, but it's like everything, every feeling in his body has multiplied, hurting him twice as much."

If it was even possible, Jace tensed even more, his back rigid, his fists clenched. Magnus stood perplexed.

"What is it, Jace? Did I say someth-"

"Nothing," hissed Jace, forcing himself to calm down. "It's nothing. Just… promise me that you won't push Alec too hard, okay? Never again. Alec can _never _feel like this again."

"I swear," said Magnus, instantaneously, hardly needing to consider Jace's words. Jace had turned his body towards the door of the infirmary, gesturing that he was finished talking to Magnus. The warlock understood, and slowly picked himself up from the bed, feeling his joints strain from lack of use.

"And Magnus…" came Jace's voice, sounding uncertain, yet essential at the same time. His tone and timing made Magnus jump slightly.

"Yes?"

"More than anything else, tell my brother that you love him. Nobody ever seems to tell him that he is loved nearly often enough."

And with that, Jace walked away, leading Magnus to his beloved.

Magnus wasn't certain, but he would swear that he saw tears rolling down Jace's cheeks.

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**Hope you guys liked this chapter. I kind of love Jace in this. I know a lot of you guys are threatening armed attacks on Magnus, but maybe two chapters from now, you will love him again.**

**Next chapter is Maryse and Magnus central. For the first time in a long time, Alec and Magnus are in the same room.**

**Reviews greatly encourage updates.**

**I am on break, so my only purpose right now is watching Glee re-runs (the Klaine kiss still makes me squeal every time) and write terrifyingly long chapters.**

**Ta-tah Frauleins!**


	15. Mending You

**Hey.**

**Yes, I know I took another half millennia, but hopefully it will satisfy your hunger for angsty goodness.**

**There is actually a funny reason why this is so late. To anyoe who has an account and has published things, you will know that when you upload things, you are, in fact, supposed to label them.**

**I spent two days trying to upload this story without a label, cursing for locking me out.**

**In short, I am late because I am stupid.**

**This chapter is another Magnus and Maryse one.**

**I know, everyone wants to see Magnus and Alec, but the next chapter has already been written, and is fourteen pages of pure Malec.**

**Also, wisdom from moi (because I like to impart my limited knowledge).**

**There is a book series called '**_**Nightrunner'**_**. It is quite good, and the main characters (Alec and Seregil) are in sweet man love together. Interested? You should be. It has a sort of Eragon, questy feel to it, if you are into alternate world, elf-like creature (hot elves, not from the North Pole) and dragons. Look into it, if you will. DO NOT judge it by its hideous cover. It truly is a case of 'Don't judge a book by its cover.' It was written by Lynn Flewelling. Next time you can't find anything to read, go for this. WARNING: Man love does not come into play until second book. If you take up this book, stick with it until at least a quarter way through. It takes a while to get the jist of Alec and Seregil's world, but once you do, you will love it.**

**Enjoy (or… not…)!**

* * *

Jace led Magnus to the Sanctuary, but didn't stay with him as he walked in to see his beloved. When asked why, the blond shadowhunter had merely murmured something about speaking to Isabelle. It was only then that Magnus gave Jace's red haired companion any thought at all.

Had she seen him since they had first rescued Alec, or had Jace been avoiding Clary? He didn't blame him; it was a family matter. Even Magnus felt the need to scold himself for trying to be close to Alec. He couldn't stop thinking about Maryse, unable to deal with her oldest son lying hopelessly in the Sanctuary, seemingly insane.

He remembered Maryse arguing with him, telling him that he couldn't see Alec.

He knew that he didn't deserve to look upon Alec's beautiful face, now twisted as he was. He didn't deserve to touch him, to hold him or talk to him, but he still yearned for it from every inch of his body. He hadn't known that it would be this bad to be apart from Alec, but it had left him in a strange state of uncertainty, his former confidence suppressed as though he had wiped it away alongside his make-up.

The whole thing seemed stupid to Magnus now. He would never have been able to stay away from Alec. It had been approximately forty hours since he had seen his beloved, and he still hadn't been able to stand the absence of Alec from his side, his loyal keeper.

It had made him lose his usual cool. He was in a constant state of suspense, always unsure of how Alec is feeling, though he knew that he couldn't do anything to make things any better. He thought that perhaps that was how Maryse had felt, standing over her sobbing son who cried out relentlessly to a man only he could see.

Magnus wished that he could be more like Simon and Jace, in some ways at least. Simon, who had been there for Alec when he had first awoken, had managed to speak to Alec and had to deal with everything without any warning of what the shadowhunter would say or do.

And Jace.

How had Jace been able to stand seeing his brother in such a position and still hold him close and say how he loves him? One of the few people he could honestly say loved him throughout his entire stay at the Institute had tried to cut himself out of the world, yet Jace had merely wept into Alec's shoulder, unable to receive consolation from Alec, who had been deemed so unstable as to be restrained.

How could he take it?

How could anyone take it?

Had Jace's hands been shaking when _he _had reached for the doorknob of the Sanctuary? How had Jace felt? What had been on Simon's mind when he saw Alec open his eyes to a world he longed to escape? Had _they _been scared? Two teenage boys had been able to face Alec so easily, while Magnus remained terrified.

Terrified that Alec would hate him?

Or terrified that Alec would hate himself?

He knew that it was the latter, and that was what cut Magnus deeper than all else. It was awful to imagine a world where the single most precious object in Magnus's eternity hated himself, and wanted so badly to cut himself out of the picture altogether, ashamed and humiliated.

With the thoughts of Alec's inner workings, Magnus forced himself to open the heavy oak. Compared the wooden structure Magnus felt so small, as though he could simply shrink away. Maybe he could. Maybe no one would even see him enter through the crack he had opened in the door.

But someone did see him. Someone who sat beside his beloved, who lay asleep. Maryse stared at her son who lay limp in his make-shift bed, unmoving and pale. Magnus scarcely spared her a glance, instead choosing to befall his gaze upon the body of Alexander Lightwood.

Alec was breathing lightly. It wasn't how he had envisioned it at all. There was no thrashing around, no groaning in torturous pain. Just the shell which had been left behind of Alec, asleep, but still not quite peaceful. As Magnus slowly advanced forward, he was able to take in the extent of his fallen lover.

Alec was lying on his back, looking as though he had fallen asleep without actually going through the process of making himself comfortable. Perhaps he had been so far dead to the world that even as he slept, he couldn't curl into a ball like he usually would, seeking heat where ever he could find it. Magnus wondered if this thought would sadden Alec too, whose centre of warmth had always been found next to him, in the shape of a warlock.

Magnus felt like touching Alec so much, but was petrified of waking him; petrified of having to face the boy who Simon and Jace had described to be broken and terrified of hope. Even as Magnus stood, looking at Alec's twisted, yet angelic face, he was unable to think of a single word to say that would make anything better.

"I am glad you are here," came the hushed voice of Maryse. It didn't so much startle the warlock as send him into a state of mild surprise. He didn't think the woman would ever speak to him again, not after their last fight.

"So am I," Magnus replied, voice soft and true. It was strange to stand by Alec's mother, speaking to her, yet never letting his eyes stray from the boy who lay in front of him.

"Are you going to… fix him?" she asked, slowly.

"To the best of my ability." Fix him. Physically, yes, he could fix Alec. But the inner hurt… Magnus wasn't so sure. "His wrists will heal up if I can burn the mark at a precise angl-"

"That isn't what I meant."

"Oh?" Magnus asked, without a hint of condescension in his voice, but a slight irritation. "What would you have me do, Maryse? What could I possibly do?"

"Make him forget, Magnus," whispered the woman, quietly, yet strong. Magnus's eyes widened. "Make him forget these feelings… what you said. Make him forget this whole incident, like you did for Clary."

The whole room went silent. Maryse didn't know the half of what she was asking.

"Maryse, you must know that it couldn't work. The moment this memory is triggered, he will feel this way all over again."

"I don't care!" Maryse didn't yell, but her voice came out stronger than ever. "Make him forget over and over again. I don't care if you have to do it every day, just do it!"

Magnus took a deep breath, trying to find the words of rationality to calm Alec's distressed mother.

"It wouldn't work. The marks on Alec's wrists… even when I do heal them, they will always be there. They would remain as a constant trigger."

"Anything is better than this. Please…"

Maryse's expression was one of shear torture, though her eyes stayed dry. Magnus thought back to his conversation with Jace.

_I'm sick of manipulating him, Magnus. I am sick of trying to influence the way he thinks, rather than letting him make his own decisions. Are you?_

He wanted Alec to forget. He wanted so badly for Alec to snuggle into him once more, like he possessed the warmth of a thousand suns. He yearned for Alec's smile, rare for many, but abundant for him to once more grace his little shadowhunter's delicate face. But Alec deserved better than that.

The thought made Magnus feel ill. Alec would be better off for a while if everyone made out that the incident had never happened. It would, in many ways, have suited Magnus just fine if he could wipe away the black smudge from beside his name, but he was done playing games with Alec.

Alec was his, but not as a toy.

Not anymore.

"Alec will be mine forever, and I don't want to kick start that with a lie."

Magnus hadn't been sure if he should mention that he had made his beloved immortal, but now seemed like as good of a time as any.

"Magnus, what do you mean 'forever'? I thought that this whole thing happened _because _he wasn't going to be yours forever." Maryse sounded stern once again, but only an echo of the usual edge remained in her voice.

"He was going to die," replied Magnus. Maryse winced, as though this served as an even larger reminder of what had happened, opposed to the boy lying in front of her. "He was so close. You can't even imagine what it was like, to stand there with a seemingly useless spell book, trying to find a goddamn spell rather than leaning over him and begging him to come back. I thought that he would die, without me even getting to hold him in my arms and cry."

"I think I know the feeling, perhaps not to the same level, but I still had to watch my son being carried away, blood oozing out of him, without a clue to why he had done it. All I knew was that the only person capable of eliciting such a reaction, if it was even possible, was you," Maryse said, her words sincere and shaky. "Only you, Magnus."

Magnus replied with an understanding nod before resuming his tale.

"Eventually I found something. It was such an unusual spell, requiring conditions which most people would never dream of…" Magnus trailed off, before looking Maryse square in the eyes. "True love, and impending death.

"It was a long shot. If I misspoke or Alec had died, both of us would have been lost, but somehow, fate allowed us to live. I was able to split my lifespan with Alec."

"But you are immortal-"

"I know."

There was silence as Maryse seemed to take some time for the fact that her oldest son was now immortal while Magnus continued to stare at Alec, still longing to touch his pale skin.

"Don't tell him yet, Magnus."

"What?"

"I don't think he will be… quite ready to accept the fact that he will live forever." When Magnus looked over at Maryse, he saw that she was shedding silent tears. "You will wait a while longer, won't you?"

"Of course," promised Magnus.

Maryse nodded before standing from her position on the chair beside Alec's bed and gestured at her sleeping son.

"You can heal him, now."

It wasn't a suggestion.

* * *

To Magnus's surprise, Maryse didn't leave as he prepared to operate on her son, who lay broken like a doll, shackled to the bed in front of them. Magnus, in all honesty, found her presence disconcerting, but knew that she had her reasons for being there. Perhaps she wanted Alec to know that she would always be there for him, or maybe she even felt guilty for having left him just hours earlier as he screamed at thin air. Either way, Magnus knew that he had no rights over Alec's mother whatsoever, and as such, did not voice his discomfort.

The operation which Magnus had to complete was not an impossible one. True, no ordinary warlock could even dare attempt it, but since when had Magnus been ordinary? Usually it would be a piece of cake. All that was required was for him to focus on the top layers of Alec's wrist and burn a majority of the hideous marks away from his lover's scarred wrists.

Except it wasn't that easy.

There was another mark which Magnus had to worry about. Usually Magnus would have to borrow someone's energy, but that was no longer an option. Alec had taken that away from him a long time ago…

"You can have my energy now, Magnus."

It was at that moment that Magnus finally realised the full extent of why Maryse remained in the room. Magnus felt somewhat honoured that Maryse was prepared to trust him with such a gesture, even if it was for Alec and not him. But this was going to make things _so _much more difficult.

"Thankyou Maryse, but I won't be needing it," replied Magnus, as flippantly as he could manage. Maryse didn't buy it.

"Magnus, I know that you are an exceptional warlock, but you know that you can't be tired while you operate on my son. You have to be alert, so," Maryse replied, patiently and slowly, but with a distinct edge in her voice once more, "take my energy."

"I don't need it," said Magnus with finality. He half expected the woman to further hassle him, but she merely stood beside him, still not meeting his eyes, favouring the sight of her eldest child's still body.

"Fine," said Maryse after a moment. "Fine, I will just wait here until you find yourself exhausted, and _need _my help."

Finally, Magnus snapped.

"You _know _I don't need your energy." Magnus was flushing, whether from embarrassment, frustration or tiredness, he couldn't tell. "Alec and that stupid, stupid mark…"

"How do the marks on Alec's wrists possibly contribute to you not needing help?"

Magnus froze.

Maryse didn't know. She didn't know what Alec had done for him. She had no idea.

"Not those marks. The ones Clary put on him…" Magnus had to be sure that Maryse didn't know, but he didn't even need to finish his sentence to realise that Maryse had been completely oblivious to Alec's sacrifice to him. How many others didn't know, or had Alec intended it to be a secret? Did Jace know, or had Alec kept it a secret from even his parabatai?

"What marks, Magnus?" Maryses's voice was sharp and demanding, not at all surprising to Magnus, but still shooting a sort of fear through him. Magnus didn't know where to start, but knew that Maryse had to know of one of the things that brought him such shame, yet pride. Magnus had to tell Maryse one of his seemingly biggest secrets. Magnus gradually gained the courage to convey a story which should have been told by Alec.

"There was the time, in the river during our fight with Valentine, when I was close to dying. I had used up my energy keeping everyone safe, and when Alec fell into the water… I would have ended immortality before I saw him die. So I saved him. I just jumped in and rescued him…it seemed so simple; my life for Alec's. I was more than happy to make that sacrifice, if I could have one last embrace from Alec. A kiss? Maybe he could have held me as I drifted away. He scarcely acknowledged me, and I didn't know what I was to him. I didn't think that he would be prepared to give me whatever energy he had left…. I know it is taboo for a shadowhunter to give energy to a Downworlder. For Alec, and you, to offer to do such a thing… I would never have asked Alec to do that. A lot of people would think that it was disgusting for Alec to care so much as to give away his energy at such a time as it was.

"From that moment, Alec used to notice how I would become exhausted during fights. I would never let him give me more energy, though. I swore to myself that the time in the river was the first and last time I would ever degrade Alec like that, but it seemed to pain Alec when I wouldn't let him help me. I told myself that it was for the better. Alec doesn't deserve to have to stay by my side to give me energy. I have survived this long for a reason.

"This continued for a long time. It got worse when I would come home tired from having to beat up another Downworlder. We ended up yelling at each other, turning a petty argument into an all-out screaming match. I had thought that Alec had deserved it. He had been unreasonable, trying to turn my issues into his own. Couldn't he see that I just wanted to keep him safe?

"After a while, I could see Alec was wearing down from all of the yelling, but I didn't slow down for him. I told him that I was fine without his help, that it was none of his business and that he had no right to help me when I wasn't allowed to help him. After that, he just sighed and said 'I am sorry, Magnus. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to be happy.'"

For the first time, Magnus took a pause, looking at Maryse, as though searching for an expression. Maryse looked somewhat upset, and Magnus understood exactly what she was thinking.

"I know. At first, I thought that I had won, but then I went over Alec's words. He didn't genuinely think that I was right, he just didn't like to fight. He didn't want to make me unhappy." Magnus's expression twisted as he said the word 'unhappy'. Alec, his wonderful, beautiful boy had wanted nothing more than make him happy…

"After a while, I heard the shower go on, and I knew that I needed to check on him. Alec was… I don't know what he was thinking, but he was crying in the shower again, just sitting on the floor and crying. He has done this before, hasn't he?"

Magnus hadn't missed the flicker of pain which had crossed Maryse's face. It had been a mixture of hurt and recognition. The woman looked down, avoiding Magnus's eyes as she spoke.

"When Alec was little, he used to run off and say that he was going to the bathroom whenever he fought with any of the others. We always thought that he somehow associated bathrooms with comfort… sometimes he would hide away there without realising it, whenever things got awkward with Jace, or when he was very young and wanted to hide away from chores." A small, fond smile graced Maryse's lips, but immediately fell away before she spoke. "One day, Jace was being angry for the sake of it, and Alec got caught in his firing line. He made Alec spar with him for hours, until Alec told him that he was too tired. Jace had told him how useless he was. How he was ashamed of him. Jace told us later, when Alec was nowhere to be seen.

"Jace had been in quite a state, terrified that Alec might have run away. He hardly even needed to be yelled at by Robert and me; he beat himself up enough about it that we almost felt sorry for him. We all looked around the Institute for hours, but when Alec doesn't want to be found… he isn't."

At this, Magnus couldn't help but remember Alec's body, bloody and hidden away behind a small, locked door with the hope of being forgotten.

"Eventually Jace found him sitting fully clothed at the bottom of the shower in one of the guest rooms. He wouldn't tell us anything that happened after he found Alec. Maybe he apologised… maybe Alec had been crying, and Jace didn't want us to know…"

Magnus thought about Alec's shadowhunter life. He had always assumed that being a shadowhunter was a little bit less awful. Sure, they weren't all good fighters, but he always thought that their inflated egos made up for it.

Except Alec didn't have an inflated ego.

"But then again, Magnus: What did you do when you saw Alec like that?"

Good old Maryse. Always getting down to the most unpleasant points.

"I held him. I held the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on in my whole existence in my arms as he cried because I wouldn't let him 'make me happy'." Magnus spoke slowly, as though hating himself more with every word.

"Did you start sapping his energy away after that? Did you somehow steal some away to store? Is that why you don't need my energy?" asked Maryse, her voice dripping with disapproval. Magnus hadn't expected any better, though. What kind of shadowhunter would want their oldest son to give their energy away to a Downworlder?

No.

He hadn't been stealing energy away from Alec.

"One day, Alec came home with a new mark on his back. It was beautiful, and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his right shoulder long enough to ask what it was. The way it looked like it could move at any moment… the way it practically had its own aura. It was so beautiful." Magnus spoke as if he could still see it, just sitting in front of him, though it sounded as though he was speaking of something which had been beautiful once, but had lost its glow.

"I asked him what it was, but he merely told me that Clary had invented it, and that it would solve everything. I repeated my question to him, but he simply responded that it would make him stop worrying all the time about me losing energy. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to let him mark me with a mark similar to his. Later I found out that Clary had added a ruin beneath Alec's, that would entice the onlooker to agree to your wishes, but the incident went by in a haze.

"The next week, an old rival of mine challenged me to a warlocks' dual. I usually won these pathetic competitions of masculinity, so I agreed. To my extreme surprise, Alec's only condition was that he had to be permitted to come with me. I don't think I would have disagreed to having him there at any rate, but I allowed him to come.

"When we got there, my rival, Helgath, came out to meet me, meaning that I was greeted in his usual manner of having an axe flung at my face. I don't know why he does it… it has never worked in over three hundred years, but it never ceases to amuse me." Magnus, however, did not sound amused. "Alec wasn't allowed to be involved, so it was okay.

"Things never get out of hand between myself and Helgath. Well…" Magnus reconsidered. "It never got out of control on my part. Usually I merely spent several hours taunting him, until I feel bored or tired, and then knock him out.

"Except I didn't get tired this time, and Helgath had brought the moves, leaving me far from bored.

"The dual went for over seven hours in the grass land where Helgath had set us to meet. It kept going, and for the first time since receiving the mark, I remembered what Alec had said it to mean; that I would not lose so much energy." Magnus paused to look up at Maryse, who was set on imagining two warlocks battling in a field. "I could have knocked him out in seconds, but I was so amazed at my own strength that I continued, using spells I usually dared not to use. I felt invincible."

Maryse noted that Magnus looked far from invincible, but worn down and yearning as he looked at her son's still body.

"The battle only ended when Alec fainted, and I felt like doing so myself. I couldn't understand why he had fallen to the ground. It had not been hot, nor had there been gore to speak of. He hadn't been dehydrated, or-"

"You bastard!" Maryse exclaimed, something clicking into place within the woman's mind. A sad expression, part way between a smile and a grimace, crossed Magnus's sharp features.

"I see that you've noticed the predicament I was in. After Alec blacked out, I finished Helgath off, all fun in playing with him having run out the moment Alec hit the ground.

"When Alec woke up, after hours of me pacing and being otherwise scared to death, I finally got to ask him what had gone wrong. I still hadn't figured it out. He didn't want to tell me."

Magnus didn't tell her how Alec had torn himself up about losing it so soon. He decided not to mention how tense the atmosphere had been as he cradled Alec in his lap, stroking his lover's hair as he tried not to hurt him as he attempted to strangle the truth away from his little shadowhunter.

"Eventually Alec relented, telling that he would tell me what had happened if I promised that I wouldn't hate him." Magnus raked a spidery hand through his long, messy hair. "Like I could ever hate him! I could never, ever think ill of Alec. I told him such, and in turn he told me of the joint marks.

"If you look at them side by side, you can see that they aren't identical at all. They are, in fact, opposites for the most part. Within the mark, there is an interior within a circle and a curvy exterior. Within the circle were patterns, but where mine were blackened, Alec's remained the colour of his pale skin." Magnus gave a bitter smirk. "To give and to take. To drain and be drained. The dark absorbing the light.

"He could tell that I was furious, but he thought that I was mad at him. He hugged his knees, not daring to so much as look at me as I tried to process what he had done to himself. I tried to understand what could have possessed Alec to do that. I ended up yelling at him, even though the person who should have been receiving my tirade was myself." The look on Magnus's face could only be described as the epitome shame. "Alec ended up cowering as I cried out about how unbelievable it had been, my anger fuelled as he choked out that thirty-five per cent of my magic energy is generated from him."

Magnus risked a glance and Maryse, who looked as though she was about to faint from both fury and shock.

"Th-thirty-five per cent?" Maryse somehow spluttered out, cheeks red and eyes wide with alarm. All Magnus could do was bite his lip an nod, trying to stop the tears from escaping his eyes, knowing that he soon had to operate on Alec. "Why haven't you removed those marks! Why are you still doing this to Alec?"

"It isn't that easy." Magnus had a look of semi-spite on his face. "Alec told me that if I try to remove the marks, he will die. I think that he was bluffing, but I am not going to risk it."

To Magnus's surprise, Maryse began to chuckle. It seemed genuine for several moments, until Magnus realised that there was not an ounce of humour in her voice.

"My children. My beautiful, wonderful, strong children are all such idiots." Maryse seemed to pause, for no other reason but to examine her still son. "Jace, in a constant state of risking his life. Isabelle, constantly acting like she knows what she wants, when in reality she has no idea.

"And then there is Alec, who would risk himself a thousand times to save the lives of the people he loves, no matter how badly they hurt him."

Magnus looked down in shame, unable to look anywhere but at his feet. Maryse began to speak again, her voice lighter, but more twisted than ever.

"It's okay, Magnus. I am not just talking about you, you know." Another humourless chuckle. "Everyone hurts Alec. Jace always has, no matter how much he cares for him. Isabelle hurts him. Even his own parents, me and Robert; we hurt him too. Alec tries to act like he doesn't mind. Aren't shadowhunters meant to deal with pain?

"But Alec is one of the single most human people I have ever met, and while he may beat himself up about it, I wouldn't want him to be any other way. He does whatever he thinks is right for the people he loves, taking all and any pain on himself.

"And now he has given up. You gave him more grief than he could take upon himself. I can't blame him for wanting to esca-"

"Please," Magnus begged, the word standing alone, but expressing the emotions of what can only be described as desperation.

Maryse sighed, recognising the way Magnus felt, her internal struggle easing itself onto her face.

"I believed in you, Magnus," Maryse said, her voice little more than a whisper. "I believed that you would be good for Alec. I thought that you would be the one person to love him, and just leave it at that for once. I never thought you would taint the romance which the two of you share with hurt or suffering.

"I thought that for once in his life, Alec would be the single apple of someone's eyes. Their truest pleasure. Most of all, I thought that you would protect him from the feeling of isolation which other shadowhunters are all too keen to shroud Alec in.

"I _never _thought that you would disappoint me like this. I know you had your reasons, I just don't think they are good ones."

Magnus couldn't manage anymore. He couldn't stand this feeling of such regret that he would do anything- _anything_- to undo everything he had done to Alec. And with that thought, Magnus sought comfort from Alec's mother for the first time, sobbing into her shoulder, speaking words which came from the rawest part of the warlock.

"Maryse… I am so… I am so sorry." Magnus's words came out muffled between sobs as he hunched his body into the shocked woman. "I would do anything to prove exactly how much I wish I could take anything back. Th-the last thing I wanted to do to Alec was…"

Was what?

There couldn't possibly be a single word to describe exactly what Magnus was sorry for.

Everything?

"Magnus… just make things okay again. Make Alec feel the way only you can make him feel. Take away his pain, and give him the gifts which only you can give." Maryse stood stiff, but not uncaring, looking as though she had no idea what to do with the grown man who cried into her shoulder. "I don't hate you, Magnus. Even Jace doesn't hate you. Just… just take care of my son, Magnus. Don't ever let him feel this way again."

"If I could promise… if I knew for sure that I could just do that… I swear I would promise that Alec would never ever feel the way he did." Magnus sounded miserable in a way that Maryse had never witnessed from the warlock, even in his most sombre of days.

"You know better than that Magnus. You know that if you can just give him yourself, you can place in his hand everything he could ever want."

This in itself seemed not to please Maryse, even as she spoke of the ways for her own son to be happy. Magnus didn't need to ponder the emotions of Maryse to guess how horrific it must be to know that your son's heart was broken by one of the only people who could mend it.

And for what?

The warlock knew that Maryse knew why he had done it, but she had not been inside his head to see why. But then again, would that have even made anything better?

All that was left was to do his best to save his very heart, his object of such concentrated affection, from the abyss which seemed to beckon the shadowhunter. All that was left was to do what he could and wait.

That afternoon, Magnus would fix Alec's wrists, the surgery taking place without a hitch; Magnus doing everything he could to insure that Alec wouldn't feel a thing, exhausting them both in the process.

That afternoon, under Maryse's instruction, Magnus would leave the shackles of Alec's wrists undone and slip into the hospital bed beside his fallen shadowhunter, falling asleep in the middle of the day to the familiar rhythm of Alec's breathing.

That night, Alec would wake up with Magnus Bane curled into his side, and then the real fun would begin.

* * *

**Hope you like it.**

**Reviews?**

**They help pass the time between updates, if you know what I mean ;)**

**If not for the love of Maryse and Magnus, then for the love of the Alec to come?**

**And Lea, I'm sorry. I did it again. It is coming, I swear!**


	16. Holding You

**Hey.**

**So, the masses were getting frustrated. 'Unite Alec and Magnus! They haven't spoken to each other since the first damn chapter!'**

**I heard your pleas, and have thusly delivered.**

**Yes, I know there was probably an ice age between updates, but I hope it was worth it.**

**Fourteen pages of… well, you tell me.**

**Also, following my tradition of pointless fact, here is another: When Marie Antoinette was being executed, her last words were '**_**Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. Je ne l'ai pas fait exprès.'**_

**This translates to '****Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.'**

**Why?** **As she approached the guillotine, convicted of treason and about to be beheaded, she accidentally stepped on the foot of her executioner.**

**Of all things to apologize for, she chose that.**

**Also, to anyone reading this, please watch the following video.**

**http: /www .youtube .com /watch? v=X20zcIDPY_k**

**It is one of my friends (not me, I swear) singing 'Jar of Hearts' (the song Rachel sang in 'Prom' on Glee). She is only thirteen, and amazing.**

**Also, if you review her clip, please write 'Magnus Bane loves you, sweetie'.**

**I don't have an account, so please do it on my royal behalf.**

**I would love to see twenty such reviews, and her expression.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Alec grinned in what he could only presume was his sleep. The real world was not warm, nor did it ring with the beautiful sound of Magnus's breathing. No. The real world was terrifying, something that should be feared and escaped; nothing but reminders of the love which he had been too ignorant to keep intact and thoughts of a man who would forever remain unattainable.

Except this _was_ the real world, and something was undeniably off.

Whatever was going on in his mind, Alec really didn't want to interrupt it. It wasn't like all of the other reminders of Magnus he had had thrust upon him. It was not the horrific thoughts, the uncontrollable part of his brain which consistently linked words and phrases to a stolen reality. Nor was it like the vivid dreams, displaying him and Magnus, as though on a projection board. The dreams in which Alec could pinpoint moments when he could have upset Magnus, and how he could have pleased him.

_Why didn't I just come out?_

_Why didn't I hold his hand?_

_Why didn't I just let him have _all _that I could give?_

Alec knew that there was one very simple reason for why he had not done these things at the time, and had woken with the words on his lips even before this incident.

_Because I am a coward._

He couldn't help but wonder if he deserved to be plagued with visions of Magnus for the rest of his life. Perhaps it would serve him right to never escape from the memories of pure bliss turning into complete isolation.

Would things ever be beautiful again?

Consciousness was slowly creeping up on Alec, and he began to put to rest the idea that he might get to continue his warm, Magnus filled dream… Except…

Except the warmth wasn't going away; just the darkness. Someone _was _breathing beside him.

Alec forced himself awake, blinded only for a moment before gazing upon the sleeping, angelic face of Magnus Bane. Magnus wasn't wearing make-up, for whatever reason, but his skin still radiated with the warlock's natural beauty. Alec had often suggested to Magnus that he didn't need to plaster himself with cosmetics, but Magnus had never taken heed of his words and Alec didn't push. For just one moment, Alec felt absolutely content to stare at the magnificent face of his former lover.

And then came the inexplicable wave of pure fear.

Magnus was in the same bed as him. Someone had _forced _Magnus into the same bed as him. What if Magnus was mad at him when he woke up? A small voice inside his head told him that he was being stupid, but that voice was promptly suffocated as Alec realised that he had somehow entangled himself with Magnus in the night, his arms around the older man's waist.

Maybe that was why Magnus hadn't already left; because he had such mercy as to not wake up his ex, taking pity enough on Alec to let him sleep a little longer. Perhaps he had only intended to stay with him to please his mother, and had planned to sneak out later without Alec knowing.

That had to be it.

Alec began to tremble, his breaths becoming faster and more irregular. _I've ruined everything. Magnus doesn't want to be here! What is he going to think when he wakes to find that I have latched on to him in his unconscious state?_

Alec's mind was whirling out of control, his heartbeat racing.

He tried to calm down, with little success. He glanced again at his arms, and slowly moved his left arm off Magnus's side, managing to free it within seconds. Alec released a short lived sigh of relief before turning to his right arm, which was completely trapped beneath Magnus's body, and Alec was once more overcome with panic.

Magnus was going to think of him as such a pathetic creature to see him so desperate as to hold onto a sleeping man's arm. The parasite who didn't know his place, even after everything which had happened.

Alec felt sick, and could practically feel the beat of his heart quickening by the second. He had to free his arm. He had to free it before Magnus could see what he had done.

The distressed shadowhunter began tugging on his arm, reaching the verge of tears as his limb refused to escape from beneath Magnus's torso. He tried for what felt like hours, but to no avail. But he couldn't give up. He couldn't…

And then it was all over.

A flash of still sleepy greenish gold met panicked blue, and Alec thought that he might have thrown up at that moment, if not for the fact that his sustenance over the past few days had consisted of drips and herbs. Magnus had awoken in the middle of his feeble attempt, and had caught him in the act. Without a second thought, Alec forced his arm free from beneath Magnus and rolled onto his other side so that he could conceal himself from Magnus's view.

Magnus shouldn't have to see him.

Alec waited, feeling as though he had been swallowed whole by an enormous wave of humiliation, the likes of which made him want to hide away in a very deep, dark place. His breathing was still coming heavily, and he could feel himself shaking as he gripped the bed rail. And then there was silence, seeming not to ever break as it carried on for mere seconds, yet feeling like an eternity, corrupted only by Alec's loud breathing. The shadowhunter tried to stop breathing all together, just to stop the noise, but failed miserably.

"Alec… it's okay."

Alec knew the voice was coming from Magnus, he knew that it was Magnus who lay by his very side, but the words still startled him. He had thought that he would never even hear the other man's voice again, but there he was. There he was, consoling him.

There he was, spitting out words which _must _have been force fed to him.

"I'm sorry," Alec managed to gasp out, his heart still racing with fear. He was sorry for so many reasons, but didn't have the breath to specify. He was sorry that he had been a terrible boyfriend. He was sorry that Magnus had felt the responsibility to still be at his side. He was sorry that he was still here.

"No, Alec… no…" Magnus's voice sounded soothing, but Alec couldn't find it in himself to turn to face the warlock. It was strange, though. Alec had spent a long time analysing Magnus; the way he moved and his moods, and his tone sounded earnest. A small part of his brain was telling him that the silence wasn't awkward, but that Magnus was at a loss for words.

Alec was about to speak up when he felt Magnus's hand slip into his own.

For the first time since awakening, Alec realised that his wrists had been healed. He couldn't see it, but when he had felt Magnus's touch, he had ripped his hand away as though it had been on fire, noticing only then that they weren't stinging with the wrath of God.

Alec heard Magnus sigh, and tried not to think about what it might mean. Alec had noticed that Magnus had sighs for different things. Contentment. Anger. Sorrow. Pity. Disappointment.

Alec didn't dare try to match Magnus's sigh to its category.

"Alec, sweetie, can you please put your hand back down?" Magnus sounded patient, the soothing edge natural rather than forced.

Sweetie?

Alec tried not to think about that either, finding his only resolve in that maybe he was trying to calm him down. While his breathing was slowing down, Magnus was well acquainted in the art of sensing moods too.

Alec dropped his hand, noting that he had left it in the air rather than clutching it to his chest. Magnus took his hand again, giving it what almost seemed to be a comforting squeeze. Alec lied still, unsure what to do. Every inch of him, every single cell in his body, begged him to hold Magnus's hand like a lifeline, but a determined voice in his mind reminded him that Magnus didn't really want to be here, so he let it stay limp in Magnus's hand.

"You don't have to be here, you know. You don't have to stay. You healed me, didn't you? That's more than enough."

Alec examined his other wrist. Healed or not, it was a mess. There were long, red scars on either wrist from where he had cut, as well as what was clearly burn marks from where he had drawn the rune on his skin. Several spots along his wrists were still marked black from the runes had once lined his skin. Alec sighed. Hideous or not, he could tell that it would have taken a lot of effort for Magnus to get it to heal at all, and knew that he couldn't have asked for anything better.

"I want to be here, Alec… I think we need to talk about something."

Alec felt something go through his whole body. It felt like relief, maybe. Perhaps Magnus was finally going to tell him where they stood.

"Okay."

Alec's voice was slowly becoming his own, but it still sounded as though he was forcing his words from an unwilling mouth.

"Alec… please look at me."

At that, Alec was startled. Magnus genuinely sounded as though he was pleading. It was odd, Alec decided. Magnus was so smooth talking, yet his voice sounded so gentle and caring that Alec took his instruction without hesitation. Afterwards, of course, he felt like slapping himself.

Magnus truly was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Alec hadn't believed that it was even possible to enjoy looking at someone to such an extent, but he felt honoured merely to have had the pleasure of gazing at Magnus.

Alec had always figured that there were certain classifications as to what constituted as a beautiful person. In one word: Jace. Flawless, muscular and manly. But then there was Magnus, who seemed to make him rethink that criteria. Magnus was almost like the polar opposite of Jace; tall and very lean, peculiar and quite feminine, yet Alec had never seen anyone with the same glow or beauty in his whole life.

And then he had been ripped away from him.

It hurt to even look at Magnus, whose face was twisted with what seemed to be concern. It pained him to remember all of the times he could have pleased Magnus more, but they all simultaneously passed through Alec's mind, forcing the boy to look at the pillow beside Magnus rather than meet his no longer adoring gaze.

"Please look at me."

The words escaped the warlock's mouth in a similar fashion to the others, but this time he seemed almost choked. It was a hushed whisper, like Magnus was telling him beautiful secrets. A small part of Alec was telling him that it sounded like Magnus was almost crying, but he couldn't think of why Magnus would be doing such a thing, so he pushed those thoughts away too. Alec drew his gaze away from the safety of the pillow, and met Magnus's keen, vibrant eyes with his own; dull blue, a colour which Magnus had once proclaimed as beautiful, for a reason Alec could never understand.

The tension seemed to be building. Alec couldn't bear to speak, and Magnus seemed to be at a loss for words again. Several times Magnus would open his mouth, as though the words were almost ready to escape, but were never quite fit to be heard. Instead, Magnus did something that Alec would not have been able to comprehend, had it not happened to him at that moment.

Magnus had flung his arms around Alec's waist, holding him firmly in his arms, the ghost of their usual embraces. Alec still stopped himself from reacting, even as Magnus clung to him in a way that seemed so unquestionably loving, choosing instead to lay limp, even as Magnus nuzzled his head into his neck. The 'neck-nuzzling' only lasted a moment, before Magnus pulled back to look at him, finally sucking in a breath in preparation to speak.

"I don't expect you to forgive me." Magnus gave a sigh, the kind which Alec could safely recognise as fear and uncertainty. "I did all this to you, I told you that I didn't love you… when I do. Alec, I never stopped loving you."

Magnus's voice broke towards the end, making his words sound so genuine, so true. Alec had to focus on keeping himself numb, so not to embarrass himself in front of Magnus for a last time.

Yes, there was still that something in Alec's mind, screaming at him to hold Magnus a little tighter, or hitch his breath, or even bring out his godforsaken blush, but he suppressed all of these urges. Magnus may have been upset that he had hurt himself; Magnus was still a compassionate man. Why wouldn't he feel guilty, or upset? Even Jace, who had nothing to do with his grief, had seemed guilty. Magnus just needed to be put at ease, rather than force himself to love Alec the way he once had.

_A fate worse than death_, thought Alec, hating the twisted thought, yet finding it a sick sort of amusing.

"It isn't your fault, you know." Alec managed to grate the words out, still limp in Magnus's embrace, forcing himself to look at Magnus's eyes. Alec made it feel different this time, though. When he used to look at Magnus, he had felt as though he would be swallowed whole in the warlock's eyes, peacefully allowing the greenish tides to sweep him away. Now he looked at his eyes differently, his gaze only sweeping across the surface of Magnus's glorious depths.

Magnus looked at him as though he was speaking gibberish.

"Alec, I know what I did. It was _so _wrong. I know I can never make it up to-"

"You didn't do anything wrong!" Alec's voice was louder than he had anticipated, realising as the words seemed to echo through the room. Alec changed his tone to become more hushed. "I was an idiot. I saw something that mustn't have been there, and I am sorry. People break up every day. I just didn't see it coming, and reacted in a way that I probably shouldn't have."

"Do you regret it?" Magnus sounded almost hopeful, which made Alec think that maybe his answer wouldn't please him.

"In some ways. I still can't bring myself to believe that I still want to be here. It feels… hopeless. Everything is always going to be the same. We feel like we make a difference." Alec gave a humourless chuckle. "We feel like we save the world, when in reality the real world passes us by every day, not realising how many times they have been saved by a force they cannot even imagine. We think we have something special, when in reality even our uniqueness becomes mundane."

Magnus remained silent, realising that the word 'we' stood for all shadowhunters. Maybe Alec _had _been the last of his siblings to realise what love was, but he had definitely learnt the most of what it was, and what it felt like to lose it so completely that even the most unimaginable pain would be preferable to the cruel darkness which now surrounded him.

"And then what is left?

"The people you love, and who love you in turn. They are the things that make you different from the other people in the world, and you have to understand that- that you were that for me. I didn't realise that there was more to this world. I really thought that I was going to spend my life lusting over my _brother_, who got laid every other day. I thought that was it, and I was going to live with it.

"And then you filled a void I didn't even know I had, and I know that I can't just make you love me. I wouldn't want to. I want you to know that you don't have to feel obliged to like me, but I also wanted you to know why I can't bring myself to regret what I did."

Magnus's eyes had widened in terror, and he ran his fingers along Alec's cheeks, as though trying to comfort Alec when _he _was the one in need of comfort.

Alec had to remind himself that Magnus did not want his comfort.

"I told you Alec… I love you."

Magnus seemed at a loss for words, as though it pained him to speak. Alec didn't want Magnus to feel too awful, so he continued talking instead.

"You don't have to pretend, Magnus. I swear that I won't try to do it again. I didn't think that my absence would make people so upset."

"How could you think that you don't matter? How could you possibly think that people wouldn't be upset if you were to die, especially after Max?" Magnus wore an expression of sorrow disbelief as he clutched Alec slightly closer. "You matter, Alec. You matter _so _much."

"I didn't think of me dying as being like Max," Alec explained, his voice still neutral, trying to pretend that Magnus wasn't holding him the way he was. Trying to force himself to see that Magnus _couldn't _love him, no matter what he said. It just wasn't true. "Max was ripped away from us, by another's hand. He didn't have a choice, and I did.

"I suppose I thought of life afterwards to not so much be like someone had died, but rather I had merely… I don't know… went on a holiday?" Alec gave Magnus a grin, to show that he intended he phrase to be humorous, but Magnus only looked more saddened. Alec stopped grinning. "I thought that my parents would be fine left alone with two perfect, beautiful children, who would both someday amount to something unimaginable. I thought that Jace would get over it quickly, too. We had been friends, but I wasn't really a brother to him. Not in his eyes…"

"That isn't true."

"It was. Grief does funny things, doesn't it? Jace didn't think of me as a brother. It was never like that to him, but now it is. Now he says he loves me, and as much as I like this, I can't help thinking that he only said so because I did _this_." Alec gave a sweeping gesture, as though intended to sum up the entire situation. "Maybe he would never have loved me. Maybe he was lying when he said it now…"

Alec didn't feel upset, though. He remembered when he was little, wanting with all his might for Jace to call him his brother, sometimes crying in his room or the bathroom when he let himself do so. It was nice that Jace might be pretending for him.

"Isabelle might have missed me a little, but she would have had Jace. Everyone who I would have left behind would have had someone to fill the void. It should have been fine."

"I would have missed you, Alec. What were you thinking? I would have missed you so much…" Magnus looked at him as though he really spoke the truth, but Alec continued to ignore it. He couldn't risk getting his hopes up. Not again. Not ever.

"No, you wouldn't have. You are sad now for the same reason everyone else seems upset; you feel responsible. It is programmed into us that if someone dies, it is automatically sad, and when someone tries to kill themselves, they are somehow responsible through association. Well they aren't, and neither are you.

"But I won't do it again. I swear." Alec held his right hand up, trying to mimic a vow. He realised that it may have been difficult for Magnus to see the potential humour in this action when he noted that the warlock's eyes didn't stray from the mess of scarred and blackened flesh on his wrist. Alec quickly pulled his arm out of sight. "Apparently everyone is upset, and I don't want to put them through that again. Plus they stole my best hiding spot."

Alec knew that he shouldn't try making jokes about his own death in front of someone who was obviously upset- for some reason- but he did it anyway. He smiled to show Magnus that it was okay, only to see tears escaping the warlock's eyes. Alec stopped smiling immediately.

Magnus pulled Alec closer and began crying into his neck, taking Alec completely by surprise. It was so strange to have Magnus so close, and Alec couldn't help but wonder what he had done wrong, and what he could do to fix it. Instead he just listened as Magnus began murmuring into his neck between silent sobs.

"I can't believe this… I came in here, trying to make things better and I just start crying on you. I'm not the one who needs comforting. I'm not the one who deserves it…"

Magnus seemed to be talking more to himself than to Alec, but the words somehow told Alec that maybe Magnus _wanted_ him to react to his touches. Maybe, for whatever reason, Magnus found his touch comforting. Slowly, Alec pulled his arms around Magnus's waist, reaching around the warlock's shoulder blades. From there, Alec could feel every sob that wracked through Magnus's body. Alec spoke up, hoping his voice might have a soothing effect.

"It's okay Magnus. It's not your fault. Everything is fine, I promise. And if it is me you are worried about…" Alec trailed off, trying to find the right words. He still couldn't imagine having to have to go back to the real world, wanting to belong anywhere but in Magnus's arms. "'It takes a world of courage to live your life, but just a moment's courage to take it away. Be courageous.'"

"What?"

"When I was little, I got a second-hand desk from a garage sale. Jace had broken mine," Alec explained, moving his hands gently over Magnus's back, hoping that it was helping him calm down a little. "One day, I sat under the desk, wishing that everything would just end -as little kids do- when I noticed that there were scribbles underneath. Most was nonsense, but then I noticed that phrase in wobbly writing. I couldn't help but wonder what sort of person had written it. They were still alive, I knew that, but I always wished that I had have met her. Did her father, who spoke so fondly of her when he gave me the girl's old desk, know what she had written? Had she been crying when she had written those words, or was she quoting someone else?"

Alec took a deep breath, feeling slightly guilty at how much he enjoyed holding Magnus like this, every breath feeling like he was breathing Magnus in.

"But I do know this, Magnus: For once in my life, I will do the courageous thing," Alec continued, still feeling the wetness of Magnus's tears as they landed in the crook of his neck. "Even if every day hurts without you. Even if it gets so unbearable that I feel like I never want to open my eyes again; I will force myself to survive."

"I thought I was going to lose you, Alec," Magnus sobbed into Alec, who was still unsure what it was exactly that Magnus wanted from him. "I thought I was saving you when I left you. I thought that if I stayed you would end up sacrificing too much to make it work, or that we would just face tragedy after tragedy. I'm so sorry Alec."

"Hey," Alec said, scarcely understanding what Magnus was trying to imply, merely trying to calm him down. "It's okay. I was stupid for doing what I did, and after a while I am sure I will be glad to be here. And it's okay that you broke up with me, too. You weren't happy, and my doing this wasn't a cry for help. I was just trying to make things easier."

"I _was_ happy, Alec. You can't even know how happy I was." Magnus had pulled back a little so that they once more looked into each other's eyes. Magnus was a slightly red from crying, but even in his states of grief, his perfection remained intact. "For once in a long time, I was happy with you."

"But then you got bored, I get it." Alec tried to say the words like Jace might have said them; as though he himself was bored. Like he didn't care, when he wanted to scream more than anything else in the world.

"You honestly think that I was bored with you?" Magnus's voice broke at the end, his words still quiet and hopeless. "You think that after weeks of me telling you how much I love you, and how beautiful you are every day, I would just get bored of you?"

"Yes," said Alec, softly. He didn't even need to think about it. "And I knew that you were lying about the 'beautiful' thing from the start."

"I broke up with you because I thought that you would try to become immortal, or I would waste years of your life before you realised how much I don't deserve you." Magnus spoke even more slowly than before. Something in his voice made Alec think that maybe he was ignoring his previous comment. "That was the only reason. I made a promise, remember?"

_I will never hurt you. Unless to save you, I will not ever hurt you._

Alec remembered.

"You know that I would never hold you to that-"

"Do you still love me, Alec?"

Alec could feel his signature blush creeping up his cheeks, slipping through his mask of denial and ignorance. He didn't want to lie, but the truth was twice as bad.

"Magnus… please don't ask me that."

Alec tried to convey exactly how much he did not want to answer that question though his pleading tone. Magnus held Alec's head in his hands, still stroking Alec's face in an attempt to comfort him. It felt good, but he knew that he didn't deserve it.

"Do you still love me?"

Magnus's words did not sound impatient, but possibly even softer than before. It reminded Alec of the phrase 'The calm before the storm'. Alec took a deep breath.

"Yes. But it doesn't have to matter." Alec flinched as he spoke, not sure exactly what he was so afraid of. Maybe the expression Magnus would pull? Maybe he thought that Magnus would have literally pushed him away? There was silence as Magnus untangled himself from Alec, seemingly proving Alec right in that he shouldn't have told him how he felt.

"Are you…" Magnus's voice was quivering, as though frightened of something Alec couldn't recognise. Alec opened his eyes to see Magnus in a state of what could most accurately be described as agony. "Are you frightened of me, Alec?"

This made Alec think for a moment. His knee-jerk reaction would be 'no'. He adored Magnus more than he thought was possible. How did that translate into fear? And then it hit him.

"Yes, Magnus. More than anything else in existence." Magnus looked like he might have been sick, his hand raised in front of his mouth, fresh tears streaming down his flawless cheeks. There weren't words for how Magnus looked at that moment. Alec continued, offering Magnus his hand as he spoke. Alec didn't know if he should be doing that, but he was grateful when Magnus took it anyway. "I am terrified every day that I might disappoint you. I am endlessly scared that every time I look upon your face, it will be the last time it ever happens. I am, however, in a state of fear induced paralysis at the idea that the way you hold me now, and how you did before, was just pretend. That, Magnus, is why you are the only person in the whole world who can frighten me like this."

"I love you Alec. You shouldn't have to take my word for it, but I do." Magnus no longer looked sick, which Alec decided was definitely a good sign. Alec sighed, feeling himself on the verge of doing a sloppy 'Okay, I believe you', when a familiar snap seemed to take place in his mind, and he felt all the doubt and hurt come rushing back.

Alec knew that this wasn't normal. He wasn't meant to feel this way; no one was meant to feel this way. It had happened several times before, each time leaving Alec wishing that it was the last. It was like something had put pressure on Alec's mind, reminding him of every time he had ever done something wrong.

Leaving Alec feeling worthless.

Leaving Alec _knowing _that he was worthless, and feeling stupid that he had thought otherwise for even the briefest of moments.

Suddenly he was hyper aware of all the places him and Magnus were touching, feeling like he had caught himself out for being almost happy. Alec violently pulled himself away from Magnus, as though he was about to infect him with some sort of disease.

Something was pounding in his ears, seeming to deafen him to everything else in the world but his own idiotic thoughts.

What had he been thinking, telling Magnus about the words beneath his desk as though he would actually care? Telling him how much he loved him, when the information would only exemplify his failure?

"Alec… sweetie, are you all right?"

Alec turned to Magnus, barely able to hear him over the numb echo inside his head. He hated being like this, worrying everyone else, but he never realised what he had done until it was over. It had only just begun.

"No. I am most certainly not all right." Alec knew he had screamed when he saw the alarmed look on Magnus's face. He tried to calm himself down, but he knew that it was all happening again. The memories, the hurt and emptiness. They were all still there, even with Magnus proclaiming his love beside him. Alec curled into Magnus, knowing that he didn't deserve to be so close to someone who deserved so much more than his pitiful idea of love. Alec knew that he must be going insane, and knew that he could only apologise. "I am so sorry, Magnus."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Alec," replied Magnus, concern laced into every word as Alec started to shake beside him.

"I'm losing it, Magnus," murmured Alec, feeling Magnus's hand holding his head against the warlock's chest, stroking his hair. "There is something wrong with me, and I don't even know what. I think… I think I must be losing my mind."

He had felt this way with Simon, and when he had seen the versions of Magnus, none of which were apparently real. Something was inside his head, changing his moods and the way he felt things so completely that he could hardly think straight at all.

It had been better when it had just been Simon. He hardly felt any emotion for Simon whatsoever, but this was Magnus. He could feel himself making a fool of himself all over again in front of _Magnus_.

Alec began to scream, something seeming to take over him completely. He didn't know why he was doing it, but something was building up inside of him, and he couldn't control the impulse to just scream and thrash around any longer.

Magnus tried to hold him still, but he was too gentle to stop Alec's violent movements with much success.

"What is wrong with me?" Alec heard himself yelling before he realised what he was doing. He stopped moving around altogether at that point, feeling a sudden sharp pain at his hip. Apparently the pain had registered on his face.

"Alec, did you just hurt yourself?"

Magnus sounded so confused, probably unsure as to what he should be concerned about, only certain that something had physically hurt Alec, and that was something that he _could _help.

"It is nothing," Alec replied, suddenly frightened for a new reason.

"You always were the worst liar." Magnus sounded a mixture of sad and fond. Alec decided that it was mostly sadness which coloured his voice. "Tell me what it is."

Alec felt like a school boy who had been caught out stealing the last carton of chocolate milk.

Slowly, he pulled his shirt up a little above his stomach, and his pants just an inch down, revealing a large bite shaped wound on his right hip.

Magnus gasped, eyes widening as he stared at the gush of blood.

"When…?" was all Magnus was able to choke out.

Alec was sobering, and he could feel the darkness that had taken over him slipping away.

"It's just a wound I got from a demon a while ago. It must have come open when I started moving around too much." Alec tried to sound off hand, realising what Magnus was going to think.

"Why didn't you show me?" Magnus asked. He didn't sound offended, but rather upset. Alec really didn't want to answer.

"I guess… I guess it was a sort of hectic day, and I didn't get the chance."

Alec waited for the words to sink in, and winced when Magnus's face displayed an emotion which Alec recognised as horror.

The day Alec had come back from fighting the demons with Isabelle, Jace and Clary.

The day he had gotten back and expected to have a check-up which Magnus had never given.

The day Magnus had broken his heart.

Magnus hadn't thought to play doctor with him that day, with something already on his mind. He never would have expected Alec to just bear the pain without even telling him.

Alec felt the darkness which had seeped into his mind float away completely, like a storm cloud passing over, its shadow no longer looming over the curled up shadowhunter. Alec loosened his death-grip on Magnus arm.

Magnus reached out to touch the wound, his eyes seeming to stay fixed on Alec's face, registering if he had any sudden lashes of madness. Gently, he pressed his delicate fingers on the opened gash, fingers caressing it as though Alec might break if he pressed too hard. Gradually, Magnus's hand came wet from Alec's wound, and he retracted it.

Magnus's hand came back black, and the warlock looked like he might have had a small heart attack. It took Alec a few moments to realise why.

"Demon venom?" he asked. Alec wondered why he wasn't all that worried that he had demon venom in his system. In the end he decided that it had something to do with the fact that Magnus would only be more upset if he displayed fear.

Magnus shakily nodded his head, visibly trying to pull himself together.

"It's okay, you know. It doesn't really hurt at all…" Alec looked at Magnus, whose eyes were downcast to the mattress, avoiding Alec's gaze altogether. And then Alec did one of the bravest things he could have thought of.

Alec leaned up to reach Magnus's face, trying to force himself not to hesitate. He pulled Magnus's face down a little with his hands so that Magnus's face was bent towards him, and kissed him lightly on the lips. It lasted for a while, a shadow of the way Magnus used to passionately kiss him, but Alec still enjoyed it. It only took a moment for Magnus to get over the shock enough to kiss him back, slowly and sweetly. Eventually they stopped, only to hold each other.

"As long as you want me… as long as you're not sick of me, I will always love you, Magnus." Alec looked at Magnus hopefully, though he scolded himself internally.

_Here I am_, he thought. _Alexander Lightwood, telling the most perfect person on the face of the earth how much he pathetically adores him._

"I can't imagine a life without you," Magnus whispered, the words making their way over to Alec's ear in a raspy manner. "I tried. Eventually, I was able to picture in my mind a dark image of what it could be like. I pictured a world without you, standing alone like a world without light.

"Miserable.

"But I thought it might have worked. You might have been happy, and even if your light no longer reached me, I would know that it was shining for someone else. Someone you could keep." Magnus drew a ragged breath. Alec knew that he was blushing, feeling the familiar warmth rising up in his cheeks and hating it. How could Magnus think so much of him, and care so little about himself? "So I tried to live without you, in a world of darkness, in a place where every day would feel like a struggle. I could deal with that.

"Except…" Magnus trailed off, brushing away a piece of Alec's hair, making the boy feel self-conscious on account of its filth and messiness. "God… it was so much worse than that. And then you… you…"

Alec knew that Magnus might have a little trouble trying to say exactly what he had done.

"You don't have to say it Magnus…"

"You tried to take yourself away from me! The only thing that was keeping me from rotting away in solitary was the knowledge that you would go on without me, and you _completely _obliterated everything. I thought that as long as you were alive, a small part of my happiness would carry on, and maybe that some part of you would know that I loved you, or…" Magnus trailed off, and Alec just wished he would stop talking. It seemed like he was forcing every word. "Or that I would realise how stupid I was, and come grovelling back to you for forgiveness. I thought that I at least had to try to give you a good life and that if it got too awful, I would be your second choice."

"There was never a second choice, Magnus," Alec whispered back soothingly. "There was only ever you."

Magnus held Alec a little longer, occasionally brushing Alec's newly discovered wound and murmuring to Alec of his affections, until the urge to do something about the demon's scar overtook him. Even though it had sealed up, Magnus knew the horrors which this cut might hold.

"Alec, do you wanna go back to sleep?" Magnus said this very gently, seemingly in an attempt to coax Alec into his strange invitation. In reality, Alec would have rather stayed in Magnus's arms until sleep defeated him. Not that he would tell Magnus that.

"No," Alec replied simply.

Magnus's gaze shifted slightly, and a pained look spread across his features, as though he felt guilty for something.

"Are you sure, sweetie, 'cause I'm really tired…" Magnus tried to say the words with as much hesitation as he could, as though he truly did want to sleep. Alec's expression changed, and Magnus wanted so badly to kick himself in the gut.

"Oh… oh, sorry Magnus." Alec gave a weak smile. Magnus hated doing this to Alec, Jace's words of manipulation crossing his mind again. But Alec had to be healed, and he needed to get away to do just that. "No Magnus… actually, I am sort of tired…"

Alec was a terrible liar, though Magnus suspected that this may have just been a trait displayed in front of the warlock himself. Still, Magnus had to go through with it. He quickly put on a false cheery demeanour, as though the idea of leaving Alec with a demon bite wasn't killing him on the inside.

"Good." Magnus untwined himself from his love, hating every moment he spent in severed contact to the smaller boy. Magnus leaned once more over Alec, placing a delicate kiss on his lips, lasting no longer than a few seconds. As Magnus turned to put a sleeping spell on Alec, the boy began to speak instead.

"I will see you tomorrow… won't I?"

Alec's voice sound helpless in a way that it had only hinted at in the weeks before. He had always been a tad insecure, but he now seemed on the verge of being genuinely broken. Magnus felt his smile falter.

"My silly little shadowhunter," said Magnus, stroking Alec's cheek gently with his long, elegant fingers. "I wouldn't miss seeing you for the world."

Magnus was about to put Alec under when he remembered one last thing. He slowly leaned down to Alec's ear and whispered.

"I love you, Alec."

Alec looked back up at him, blue eyes looking terrified and unsure, and for a moment Magnus thought that he wouldn't speak at all.

"I love you too, Magnus."

This time, Magnus gave a genuine smile, feeling silly when he felt his heart miss several beats. Magnus stroked Alec's cheek once more, this time with magic in his touch, and watched as Alec drifted into sleep.

Magnus left knowing that he must be one of the most twisted people on the planet for letting Alec take him back after everything he had done.

And then that wound…

Magnus had the impression that things were about to get a whole lot more complicated, especially as he met dark eyes staring at him through the Sanctuary window.

* * *

**Wow.**

**This was hell to write, but your reviews got me through it.**

**Tell me how it was. Was it believable? Pathetic? Awful? Did I handle the situation (this isn't to say that this is over. By no means, dear reader)?**

**Review to tell me so, by all means.**

**Also, thanks to Lea, the mighty awesome girl she is.**

**To Lee Lee (for being a straight? boy prepared to read this, and not completely hate on it).**

**And to you, for bothering to read this far, and hopefully the next chapters.**


	17. Siding With You

**Hey.**

**I think I might have gone overkill on the previous chapter. Too long. Sometimes I find that if a chapter is too long, it becomes intimidating, so I am writing them not quite as long (or trying). Tell me what you think (the length is pretty much back to normal, actually).**

**Okay, so Izzy's perspective. I suppose the reason why I threw her in there was to show that she sincerely does want to be on Alec's side, for good or worse, but how can she do that if even Alec isn't on Team Alec?**

**Fact: (well, this isn't so much a fact as something I found interesting. Someone's 'When I was Drunk' story)**

**There was once a boy who went out drinking, and came home. At home, he had a little sister who had a hamster in a ball. He proceeded to pick up the hamster in the ball, look at it, and exclaim (and I quote), "Pikachu, I choose you!" before throwing it.**

**I think the hamster lived.**

**If that fact wasn't suitable, then here is fact B.**

**Fact B: 53% of women won't leave the house without make-up on.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Isabelle looked at Magnus, holding her brother, kissing his dry lips. It was hard to merely watch, staring from an outside window as the scene took place in front of her, but she somehow restrained herself from running into the room to hold Alec for the first time since she had hauled him into the Sanctuary. He looked alive now, she thought. Not the way he had before, but he looked alive as Magnus touched him, kissing him in a way which made Isabelle want to slap him.

She did sympathise with Magnus. She knew how hard it was to flail around in the face of something more important, not knowing how something could come about, merely left to ponder the knowledge that all fault belonged to you. She wanted her brother to be happy with Magnus, even after what he had done. She did. She just wished that it hadn't been so easy.

Even if she liked Magnus enough to forgive him, shouldn't Magnus have been more cautious? A little less certain that Alec would still love him after what he had done to him? He should have had to fight for Alec, but there he was, pushing Alec back into sleep, meeting her eyes as he approached.

Isabelle looked at him, taking in his tear stained profile. She knew that she should have felt bad for him, but she tried to do the right thing by Alec and stay on his side.

But then again, what was the right thing for Alec?

Magnus should have been the enemy, yet Alec seemed to be blowing himself up on all forts

Alec was most certainly not doing the right thing for himself, thinking only of Magnus till the end. She felt like shaking her brother. She wanted to tell him that he wasn't doing anything wrong, but Alec looked far too peaceful for her to consider acting on that impulse. Instead, she waltzed up to Magnus as he exited the Sanctuary.

It suddenly occurred to her that she had nothing to say.

"Hello, Isabelle. I'm sorry, but Alec is-"

"Sleeping. Yeah, I know. I just…"

Isabelle trailed off, all words failing her. It was strange, not being able to think of a single word to say. The most obvious curiosity was of the injury on Alec's hip, though she hadn't gotten a clear view of it. She also just wanted to talk to Magnus. She wanted so badly to be able to tell him all the things she wished to say to Alec, if for no other reason than to understand what had happened.

She should be there for Alec, but she had no idea how.

"I was under the impression that your mother had locked you away. May I inquire as to how you might have escaped?" There were hints within Magnus's voice that he had been crying, but his voice sounded clear and thoroughly proper.

"She sent Jace to watch me. I guess she had poor judgement of loyalties, huh?" It was funny, she thought, that it sounded as though Jace had chosen her side opposed to Maryse's, when in reality there was someone else involved.

Alec.

No matter how much Jace respected his mother, Isabelle knew that Jace would have given almost anything for Alec at that moment. He had told her of his own encounter with Alec, telling her unashamedly how he had wept and told him he loved him.

Isabelle remembered asking if Jace really did love him, and the mortified expression which had crossed her blond brother's face. He looked utterly horrified, and Isabelle had wished that she could subtract her words, before he had answered in a choked voice.

'Do you love him?'

At the time, Isabelle hadn't realised why he had asked.

'Of course.'

'He is just as much my brother as he is yours.'

She remembered feeling slightly enraged at this. In all the time that she had known Jace, he had never referred to Alec directly as his brother.

The Lightwoods were his adopted family, but he had never clarified where Alec stood.

'Really? Because you made that very goddamn clear, didn't you?'

'Isabelle, I-'

'No.' She had said, voice shaking with muted fury. 'You always did everything in your power not to not to call him that. Don't think I didn't notice.'

'Really?' Jace had asked. 'Please, won't you explain?'

Isabelle had seen the challenge in his words, and jumped on it. She quickly moulded her voice into one of mockery and began to ruthlessly quote Jace with dangerous accuracy.

'"I love him _like _a brother."

'"We are parabatai. It means that we are closer than brothers."'

'"Alec is more than just my best friend."

'Well, Jace, what was he to you? What was he?' Isabelle had heard her voice rising, and knew that she should have been more grateful to Jace for helping her out of the locked room, but she was too upset, too far away from her other brother, to care what impact her words had. 'Was he a friend? A door mat? A stupid loyal dog for you, like he tried so freaking hard to be, all the time? Because he knew that you didn't care, but he never stopped trying. Even after everything you did, he _never _stopped trying to please you.'

'Isabelle, I'm sorry-'

"Because it was too damn hard to just tell him, wasn't it? Or maybe it is just guilt. Maybe you never loved him at all!'

Jace had frozen, face paling with rage.

Isabelle had laughed then, a thought suddenly occurring to her.

'Knowing Alec, that's probably exactly what he thought. He wouldn't have thought that you love him for a second-'

'I always loved him!'

'Did you?' she had hissed. 'Did you really? Because you made that so bloody obvious, Jace! I don't know why Alec could _ever _think otherwise!'

The sarcasm had been obvious in her voice.

'He was just as much my brother as he was yours. I loved him, and if he had have died, I would have… I would have…'

Isabelle had realised then that Jace looked inches away from breaking out into sobs, or at least a fit of sorrow induced anger. She felt momentarily ashamed.

'"Amare et saper vix deo conceditur."'

Jace looked up at her, the anger slowly fading from his features. Isabelle hesitated, before deciding to explain what she had meant.

'It means-'

'"Even a god finds it difficult to love and to be wise at the same time." I know, and you have to trust me when I say that I _do _love Alec, and I will do anything to make sure that he knows this too.'

Isabelle had leaned forward and hugged Jace, coming to the conclusion that they were in identical situations.

Just siblings who wanted to do something, despite knowing that the only thing keeping Alec happy would be Magnus Bane.

_I want to hold him, _she realised. I _want to be there for Alec, letting him take comfort beside me. Jace wanted it too, but we just have to stand aside, and let Magnus do what he has to._

_Do I hate him for that?_

_Should I?_

Isabelle was brought back to the present by said warlock's voice.

"Isabelle, I need to talk to your parents. Are they around?"

"I don't know…" Isabelle knew where they were, but she needed to talk to Magnus. "What is wrong with Alec?"

Magnus seemed to think this over a little.

"I think… I think he was bitten by a-" Magnus froze, eyes suddenly startled. "You were there, weren't you? When you fought that demon, the day I…"

"Stomped Alec's innocent heart into mites of dust?" asked Isabelle, surprised by the harshness in her own voice. "Yes, I was there."

"Were you there when he was bitten by a demon?" came Magnus's voice, equally harsh.

"No…" she answered slowly. Alec had been bitten? Few demons bit humans, and even fewer thought it to be a good idea to bite a shadowhunter. The angel blood in their veins was usually enough to disgust them, unless they were highly unintelligent, or…

Or had something to gain.

"Oh God…" breathed Isabelle, realisation washing over her like a heavy tide. "No, no, no, no…"

"What is it Isabelle?" Magnus sounded strained, as though he could not possibly bear to hear any more horrors that day, but forced himself to seek the information. Isabelle's face was almost as pale as it had been when she had forced seen her brother's dying form.

"That idiot! He knew. He goddamn knew. Alec is such a…" Isabelle trailed off. What was she going to say? Brave boy? He probably hadn't known that the bite would do this to him, but he would have known what its name meant, which was more than she had acquired.

"What was it that attacked Alec?" Magnus's voice had hardened, though Isabelle could sense more concern than anger. She hardly knew where to start.

"It wasn't meant to be a huge task… there were two demons… just two, and there were four of us. It shouldn't have been so damn hard…" Isabelle struggled to find the words, and felt like dying as she sensed Magnus growing increasingly more impatient. "They were the servants of Greater Demons.

"Servus Exitium and Servus Deminutio are subordinate demons. They generally don't have minds of their own, and only seek out what their master wants. Most of the time this would have just been to create havoc on Earth, but sometimes they want more."

"I know what Servus Exitium is, but what is Servus Deminutio?" asked Magnus, who was vaguely attempting to retain control over his voice. Isabelle actually cracked a sad smile at this.

"Yes, everyone knows what Servus Exitium is; Servant of Destruction. Alec always gets the demon reports because he is the oldest. I was there when he received it, when he told me of both demons.

"He started making a strategy, and it made sense at the time. Jace, Clary and I were to fight Servus Exitium, while he would take care of Servus Deminutio. I was eager to fight the Servant of Destruction, and was used to our split being strange ever since Clary had started to tag along. I didn't even bother to ask him what Servus Deminutio was." Isabelle cast her eyes down. "I even thought that Alec might have been a coward for choosing whatever that thing was rather than Servus Exitium.

"It wasn't a hard battle for us. We defeated the thing without a scratch. I never would have assumed that Alec had been…"

"Isabelle." Magnus's patience was about to run out. "What the devil was the thing that attacked Alec?"

Isabelle met Magnus's eyes, her own soft and pleading. She knew that Magnus wasn't going to like it.

"Servus Deminutio," she whispered softly, as though to avoid hurting Magnus when she herself was crumbling on the inside, "is the Servant of Delusion. Alec knew. He probably had no idea what the bite would do to him, but he had heard stories of what happened to the men crazed by this thing, and sacrificed his own sanity for us. He is such an idiot…"

Magnus had stumbled back against the wall, his face aghast and terrified.

"We all studied Latin. I knew the word, I should have known what the name meant. I should have known something was wrong when Alec told me not to tell Jace about the other demon…

"Demons don't bite. It is a myth, and this is an absolute exception. It seems more likely that it had venomous saliva, with an anaesthetic… Alec probably wouldn't have known it had bitten him until he saw the blood…"

"Is there a cure?" asked Magnus, and waited a while. Isabelle said something, but the world had morphed into a spinning, deaf place. "Is there a cure?"

"No," repeated Isabelle, her eyes dead as they avoided Magnus's own. "If you could get the poison out of his system in time… before it completely takes over… but…"

_It's in his blood._

Isabelle froze. She thought over that last phrase.

_It's in his blood…_

"By the angel, Magnus, it was in his blood!" exclaimed Isabelle, the idea striking her with severe force.

"Great, Isabelle-" Magnus's throat tightened, and he found himself unable to say anything more. Alec was slowly being tortured into succumbing to madness. Because he didn't want to risk the others, he had allowed himself to be driven into insanity.

Even if he had no idea what had hijacked his mind.

_I'm losing it, Magnus. There is something wrong with me, and I don't even know what. I think… I think I must be losing my mind._

Alec. His pure, innocent Alec, who had no idea what he had signed himself up for, was being tortured into an agonising state. Alec, who only knew that he had to protect his friends, even if he didn't know what it was he was protecting them from.

Because he thought himself to be the most eligible sacrifice?

Because he deserved any hurt more than any of the others?

Magnus slid himself down the wall, placing his face in his knees. He didn't cry; there weren't tears enough in the entire ocean to express his sorrow. He merely sat, not knowing what to do yet again.

Isabelle had seen boys break.

Her brother, cringing at the thought of being noticed.

Max, crumpling in a dead heap.

Jace, screaming at Clary to leave when he wanted her to stay more than anything else.

Magnus was different, somehow. Magnus had years of experience. Years of learning to guard his feelings . Years of heartbreak, centuries of loss.

Something about seeing Magnus break was so much worse than anything she had ever seen. Even as he looked nineteen, something about his manner was ancient. He was tall, and lean. He was proud, and dignified, yet there he sat on the ground. It was a decidedly horrific sight.

"You don't understand. With the amount of blood Alec lost, a lot of the venom must have seeped out…"

It didn't really make either of them any happier. The possibility that maybe Alec had accidentally given himself a fighting chance by doing what he had done only brought a silent hope, opposed to a blazing sense of victory.

Magnus looked up at her with sorrow in his peculiar eyes, which she could vaguely recall Alec praising whole heartedly. Magnus had always loved Alec's too, but the way Alec talked about Magnus in general exemplified adoration.

"I want to save him, Isabelle," choked Magnus, and it struck Isabelle that Magnus had hardly been able to talk about his feelings for a long while. Tears still didn't come to Magnus, but his voice was raw. "I've ruined everything, and now I just want things to go back to the way they were, but I wouldn't even know where to start. What if it doesn't make a difference? What if whatever is in his blood still drives him mad?"

Isabelle bit her lip. She wondered if Magnus knew how much his words were hurting her. Sometimes, she wondered if he remembered that she was Alec's sister at all.

"Would you love him anyway, if he was insane?"

Magnus looked down, hating himself for the doubt which arose from inside him.

Would he love him?

Would he be able to stare into the eyes of insanity for eternity, knowing that it was his fault. Would Alec still love him? Would he be allowed to stay with him?

Would he want to stay with Alec, even if he lost his mind?

He thought about it, deciding that he would love him, but it would be twisted in a way that Magnus didn't even want to consider. An eternity of guilt. Of pain. Of madness, perhaps of both parties if he could not hold Alec the way he had always loved. Would Alec even be able to talk to him? Would he even have full understanding of who he was? The thought left Magnus feeling empty. What if Alec would hate him?

Even worse; what if Alec still forgave him?

"I will… always love Alec, no matter what. I will savour every touch, every single time I ever got to hold him, as a commodity more valuable than anything else imaginable. If he were to be forced into a haze of madness, I would never leave his side. Even if he were sensible enough to hate me. Even if I had to sit by and watch him plummet into oblivion from afar, I would never turn my back on Alec." Magnus spoke so softly that Isabelle had to crane her neck in to hear him, but she heard every word. She wanted to say something, but the sheer pain in his voice left few words to be said. "Look what I've done to him, Isabelle." His voice cracked, though tears had deserted him. Perhaps that was what happened when people were forced into a state of such hopelessness. "If he loses his mind… I ruined everything…"

Isabelle thought for a moment to remind Magnus that Alec might be better off because off what he had done, but realised that there was no way of saying that, without the message being 'Had you not driven Alec to the point of killing himself, he might be worse off. Then again, had you have done your job like you were supposed to, we probably would have been able to drain some of Alec's blood anyway…'

"So Isabelle, let me ask you again; where are your parents?"

Isabelle looked up. She wondered if Magnus had known that she had lied earlier, or thought that she might give him a better answer upon realising the circumstances.

"They're all… and Jace and Clary too… they're in the library."

"Thank you," said Magnus Bane, and he stood up, looking like a beautiful train wreck. "Feel free to tag along. I have a feeling that this will be a family event."

Magnus grimaced as he gestured for her to follow. Isabelle couldn't help but imagine the goings on of Magnus's mind.

_I wonder, _she thought, _what it is like to know that you are about to break some of the worst possible news to a family of shadowhunters, knowing that they will believe that it was your fault._

A small voice in Isabelle's mind reminded her that it probably was his fault, but she was on Alec's side, and even if she had no idea what Alec needed, she knew that he _wanted _Magnus.

And even if she wanted to stand by her brother, all she could do now was stand by his lover.

_All I can do is give back the very weapon which can bring sanction and pain back to Alec, and pray that Magnus can do the right thing._

* * *

**I would like to point out that not once does Jace, in the entire book series so far, state that he is Alec's brother (or vice versa).**

**I was a tad appalled.**

**Reviews?**


	18. Of Marrying You

**Hey.**

**It is the world's worst updater, coming to make a guest appearance.**

**Firstly, there is something I will have to clear up. A lot of people seem over joyed that Alec's trying to kill himself wasn't brought on by Magnus. Guys… it still kinda was, just to a lesser extent.**

**Yes, I know I said I was going to make shorter chapters… but then I wrote this little sweetie, and life happened.**

**Thank you to all of my wonderful reviewers; you may not know it, but each of you are keeping me going. Without you, I could not have written this far. This chapter is dedicated to Lizzy, who seems not to have an account, but reviews me anyway, which is an honour and a privilege. I know I have never been able to respond to you, but I really appreciate it, Lizzy.**

**Also, I posted a one shot on ' lovely sister site, . It revolves around Nate and Gabriel (I know they are names in the Infernal Devices, but they have nothing to do with them) set in Victorian England.**

**Check it out at http: / www. fictionpress. com /s/2949238/1/Of_Brothers**

**Fact: Nine out of ten times sexual intercourse is initiated by giraffes, it is only between two males. **

* * *

Jace could feel cold rage building up inside of him as Magnus tried to tell his family the news of the demon bite. They had all understood what it could mean, but they still argued, as though it might help. Clary held his hand, as if she thought that it could possibly do any good, and he felt like screaming 'Do you think this is helping when Alec is…'

But he would never say that.

Not only was it unfair to Clary, but he had no idea as to how he could possibly finish that sentence.

_When Alec is_… what?

Magnus had explained that Alec's sole chance of recovery was that he had lost enough blood to clear some of the venom, but nothing was set in stone. His parents knew little more on the subject, and the frustration was killing him. He couldn't help but see Alec's pale face in his mind's eye twisted in the face of what that demon had done to him as he lost control in a hospital bed. He had looked mad, then. It had scared Jace especially, who had heard of the Servus Deminutio. It would never have occurred to him that Alec had been attacked by the demon, but the way he looked… there had been a certain recognition.

"Demons don't bite…" sighed Maryse to Clary, for the sixth time in one sitting. Jace wondered why she kept repeating those words. They weren't helping. At all.

Demons don't bite, Lightwoods are scheming and Magnus didn't cry.

The similarities between all of these things were that each one possessed few exceptions.

Exceptions which shouldn't have to exist.

Demons should never bite; it just ruined lives.

Lightwoods were scheming… and it would have done Alec some good to follow that trend. It would have kept him safer.

Magnus Bane should not cry, not after 800 years of miseries, conquests and knowledge.

"It's not the goddamn bite! It must have been the venom in the saliva… Look. What are we going to do?"Jace didn't know why, but he looked across the marvellous table to Robert Lightwood, who had scarcely said a word throughout the meeting. He hoped it was from shock, rather than lack of contribution. Robert slowly responded to his gaze.

"What will happen if we can't save Alexander?" he asked, his voice sounding formal, though damaged. Jace was glad though. The thought that it might not have been damaged had left him terrified. Robert hadn't even had a chance to see his son yet, and would probably not get a chance until the next morning.

Jace forced himself to look at Magnus again.

He had half expected Magnus to come in looking like a sad clown, make-up splaying down his face with well-deserved tears. Now he just looked hopeless. Jace almost felt for him; he wasn't getting a break. He imagined being in Magnus's position, just wanting to moon around being upset, but instead being forced to make all of the decisions, all of the calls. The pain in Magnus's vibrant eyes seemed almost tangible, as if nothing more could hurt him any further than he had been wounded at that moment.

"Alec will be cursed with an eternity of insanity." Magnus's voice was flat, as though any trace of being happy, or young, had finally been stolen away with the knowledge of Alec's bite.

Everyone seemed to avoid each other's eyes at that, not wanting to discuss Alec's immortality. By this stage, everyone was aware what Magnus had done, having either guessed or been told.

"Then we will wait and do what is most merciful."

Silence.

"No…" Magnus said, his voice shaky. "No. We _will _save him. We can't just treat him as an animal, and talk about putting him down when things get too hard! There must be a way… there has to be. I won't let you do that to him."

"Don't you _dare_ give orders, Bane," hissed Maryse, surprising them all. "Do you remember the _only _reason I let you seduce Alec into living with you at your awful apartment?"

Jace frowned. He hadn't been aware that there had been terms and conditions.

"I very much doubt it was my seductive charm that made Alec want to live with me…" responded Magnus, his voice dragging in monotone. Even as Isabelle sat next to him, Jace sensed that he was very much alone. Maryse's eyes flared with hot anger.

"I let him live with you under the strict agreement that you would _always _check him for wounds, and you just forgot?" Magnus flinched. Jace knew that he probably hadn't forgotten, so much as made a poor assumption of Alec's intelligence. In Jace's eyes, Alec was a fool for doing what he did without telling a soul, and he was paying for it now. Jace would have done anything to make Alec feel just a little bit better.

Magnus would have given _everything_, if it would make Alec better.

But nothing would.

Maryse's voice softened just a little. "I know you love him, but everything, this whole thing… if you had just checked him… he's so young, Magnus. In my eyes, he is a child. I don't know what he is to you." Maryse gave a sincere laugh. "He hadn't been kissed until he met you, and now he has probably…" Maryse's tone darkened a little. Magnus didn't look embarrassed, as Jace had thought he might. They were talking about his and Alec's private affairs, and Magnus sat across from the woman without so much as a blush. Then again, maybe he just wanted to talk about Alec. "Was he ever a toy for you, Magnus? Just a young face for you to look at while you…"

Maryse didn't need her to finish her sentence. Somehow, everyone understood what sort of toy she was talking about. Magnus's lips twisted into something that appeared to be a smile born of stress and wistfulness.

"You wanna know something Maryse? In fact, since it occurred to you that you should ask this question in front of everyone, let me tell you _all_." Jace felt a tad intrusive, and looking around the room, he could tell he wasn't the only one. The only person who could meet Magnus's catlike eyes was Maryse. "I was awful in so many ways you can't even imagine, but I never forced Alec to give me _that_. Even though I wanted to, even though I knew that he wanted it too, I _never _made Alec do that for me."

Jace risked a glance up. Maryse looked somewhat shocked. Robert was blushing so badly that Jace may have thought him to be sunburnt. Sick of the awkwardness, Jace cut in.

"Stop it! Alec is really sick, and we have to-"

Suddenly, Jace was cut off by the sound of the library door being pushed open, three tall, dark figures standing in the door way. Jace swore aloud. This meant trouble.

* * *

Alec tried to place a pleasant smile on his lips as he looked at his family. It was nice to finally see them all at the one time.

His father hadn't come to see him yet…

Isabelle hadn't been allowed to, point blank, and his mother…

Alec looked at his mother. She looked at him as though he had grown two heads. Alec mentally grinned. With the way _everyone_ was looking at him, maybe he had. If so, he sincerely hoped that they didn't mind too much.

He soon locked eyes with Magnus, the familiar sensation of guilt swallowing him whole. Not the crazed, but the normal kind. The kind he would get from looking at Magnus as he sat on his chair seeming as though all traces of happiness were gone. More than anything, Alec wanted to make him smile. If there was anything he could do to make Magnus smile, he would do it, because Magnus loved him, apparently, and as long as said warlock maintained this strange desire, he would give him anything he could.

Isabelle was the first rise from her chair, bounding up to him even as he leaned against the two Silent Brothers who were supporting him. After a long time of such limited movement, walking had proved a very clumsy event, but he was getting the hang of it.

Isabelle embraced him tightly, whispering how she had missed him, though Alec couldn't help but notice the evident caution in her eyes. Alec hugged her back, hoping to prove that he hadn't lost his mind completely.

"It's okay, Izzy. They know what's wrong with me, and it will be okay, I swear."

Alec felt Isabelle pull away, only to stare at him in disbelief.

"You know about-"

"I didn't, but the Silent Brothers did, and everyone knows that they are complete gossips." Alec attempted the joke, and grinned weakly to let everyone know that he was very nearly almost okay.

On the inside, he felt like burying himself alive rather than facing his family, but it didn't hurt to pretend.

He remembered talking to Simon, who had told him how he had upset everyone. The thought that he had unintentionally upset his family had made Alec feel awful, so he had to at least put in the effort to act normal, even through all of the hurt and pain.

Then came his mother and father.

His mother stepped forward first, burying herself in Alec's shoulder. She didn't cry, but Alec could hear her whispering her apologies for walking out on him the day she had first seen him. As if it could possibly matter to him. As if she needed to be sorry.

"It's okay," soothed Alec, not knowing what else to say, his voice having cracked a little as he said the word 'okay'. Was it okay? It didn't feel okay. It felt like the madness could take him over at any given moment. It felt like he had caused everyone trouble. But he had to hold his mother, even as he knew that it was just a time bomb, which could explode at any given second. He felt so weak. He wanted to cry to his mother, for the first time in years.

But he had to be strong, didn't he?

Alec met Magnus's gaze as he stared emptily over his mother's shoulder. The warlock looked like a dead battery, all because of what he had done. In some deep, dark corner of Alec, he knew that he was happy. He was glad that Magnus felt hurt at the thought of his eternal insanity. It was grotesque, he knew, to take such pleasure in the knowledge that Magnus looked upset, but it made it seem like he loved him, didn't it? It made it feel like Magnus truly wished him nothing but goodness.

Alec scolded himself for thinking these thoughts, though the triumph didn't cease to linger.

Alec hardly even noticed when his father's arms wrapped around him, swallowing him into the rare occasion which was the 'father/son hug'. It only then occurred to Alec how small he was, his shoulders far narrower than those of his father. Alec felt himself soften, the feeling striking him as strange. His father didn't hug him all that often. Sometimes he did with Isabelle, when she played at being 'daddy's little girl'. He had hugged Max too, because he was so young, but Alec had never really gotten the same treatment at the same age. He told himself that it was because he was the oldest, but it always seemed like something else. Feeling his father holding him in his arms, Alec felt a small, meek grin form on his lips.

_I should try killing myself more often, if it will get this, _thought Alec. He had almost said the words, but had thought better of it. Going by the looks on the Silent Brothers' faces, he had made the right call.

Upon breaking away, Alec saw that Jace had stood to meet him. Alec felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him. It was so strange for Jace to come to greet him. He should be sitting down. Magnus was still sitting down, so why wasn't he?

_But you don't want that, do you? _Said his thoughts. _You want Magnus to stand too. Do you want the attention?_

Slowly, Jace leaned in, his arms opened at an awkward angle. It was too much.

"You don't have to, Jace," mumbled Alec, looking down at the floor rather than at Jace. Had he been watching his brother, he would have seen the look of sadness Jace wore so subtly.

"You always were a moron, Alec," whispered Jace, leaning forward more quickly this time, leaving Alec defenceless. "Always taking more burdens than you need, not telling anyone how much everything hurts, how terrible something is until…" Alec would never ask Jace to say those words.

"Coming from who, Jace? The man who spends every waking moment playing the hero?" was all Alec could say. Didn't Jace find it irritating to hold him like this? If he did, he didn't show it.

"You don't have to be a hero, Alec. You pretend you aren't, but… you are so incredible." Jace sounded as though he truly meant what he said, but it seemed unlikely. They gradually pulled out of their embrace, but Jace didn't let him escape his gaze.

"Why would you say that?" asked Alec, before realising that his words had accidentally came out exactly as he had thought them; curious, and somewhat incredulous.

"I hate it, Alec, that you pretend every sacrifice you make is just duty. What you did, protecting us from that demon… Alec, that wasn't duty. It was stupid, but it was exceptionally brave." Jace almost sounded like he was begging Alec to realise his valuable deed, but Alec just sighed.

"You've killed more demons than anyone our age. Isabelle is probably second place to you, and Clary hasn't had a chance to prove herself yet. _This_… this … Jace, it is the worst thing that can happen to a shadowhunter. Worse than dying… worse than having your marks stripped away. Do you really think that I would have let any of you take that fall?"

"We would have been able to handle-"

"But what if you hadn't?" said Alec, slightly louder. "Maybe I was doing it for myself, because I knew that I couldn't have possibly lived knowing that I could have saved you. Maybe I would rather die than watch _any _of you be hurt. Did you ever think of that, Jace?"

"I-I…" Jace trailed off, unsure of what he should say. What could he say? Was there anything left? "I am truly glad that you are here with us."

Jace had put his hand atop Alec's shoulder, and Alec felt himself tense. How many times had he tried to comfort Jace in exactly the same way, only to have his hand brushed aside? It didn't matter, he supposed. Jace was Jace, and it didn't matter, but he wondered if Jace knew what he was thinking, and if that had had any influence over his actions.

"It is good to see you again."

Alec's response was weak, he knew. Jace's statement… he had probably been searching for an answer which would lead to him admitting his pleasure in being there; alive. He wasn't going to get it. Not then.

Alec knew that it was terrible, but he couldn't help but feel indifferent, especially with the way Magnus was still seated at the table, not looking at him. Did he regret holding him? Was it possible that Magnus had realised that all the things that Alec had tried to tell him, how worthless and unlovable he was, were true? But that was a good thing, wasn't it? He didn't want Magnus to force himself to love him. It was better this way…

_No it isn't_, screamed a voice in his head. It wasn't the madness, but it came close. _You want him. You love him, and you are scared to think that he loves you too, so you drive him away._

Looking at Magnus then, it was hard not to question whether his efforts had, in fact, worked. Alec swore to himself then that he would never admit how much that would hurt him, but rather how much it would benefit Magnus.

Jace seemed to be following his gaze as he stepped aside, allowing Alec free transition to approach Magnus, though he was shooting the warlock a noticeable scowl.

"Magnus…" Alec trailed off, his voice wavering, but he met Magnus's eyes as the warlock turned his head to look at him for what felt like the first time. Not _their _first time, when Magnus had been intrigued, but rather the meeting of strangers. "Magnus, are you mad at me… I just… if you tell me what I did, then maybe I can…"

_Can what? _Taunted the voice. _Apologise? That is the only thing you ever do, isn't it?_

The other shadowhunters were looking at him with pain in their eyes, and the Silent Brothers exchanged looks which seemed to read 'Perhaps we shouldn't have let him come'. Isabelle stumbled forward, as though to somehow help Alec, but thought better of it. Jace looked further enraged, and Maryse looked like she wanted to steal Alec before Magnus could get a word in.

To everyone's surprise, Magnus tilted his head back and chuckled, humourless as it was.

"You didn't do anything wrong Alec, and I am not mad at you."

So short and precise, and not at all helpful. Alec's family looked horrified.

"If you regret what you said… those things about… well, no one has to know. It won't matter, if you don't want it to…" Alec tried hard to keep himself in the standing position, which was far more difficult than it should have been.

"Alec…" It was Jace, and at that moment, Alec didn't need his concern. All that was left was Magnus.

"I shouldn't have come… you said you wanted to see me… but I shouldn't have-"

"Do you know what is wrong with you, Alec?"

Alec gave a misshapen grin, and said, "You are going to have to be a little more specific there, I'm afraid."

Another joke.

This time, no one found it humorous at all.

"That bite," said Magnus, no longer meeting Alec's eye. "You know what it is, don't you? You must have had a suspicion before, too."

Alec felt his heart sink. Of course Magnus already knew that he was, at present, going to be considered an insane, pathetic piece of slime. Magnus knew about the stabs of madness which were trying to take him over. He knew what was wrong with him. He supposed he should have been expecting it though, shouldn't he? Jace knew. His parents knew. Isabelle knew from the start, yet he wished that everyone had just kept it a secret.

"Oh God… Magnus, I'm sorry." He hadn't wanted him to know. What did he think of him now? He could have just hidden himself, but this… How could Magnus know? Alec's mind began to race. Come to think of it, how could anyone know? Only Magnus had known of the bite, and not its origin. "They didn't run any tests…"

Alec turned to face his sister, who stood behind him, as though ready to defend him at any given moment.

"You told him, didn't you? Izzy, why would you possibly do that?" Alec's voice was not dangerous, like the words would suggest, but rather pleading and desperate. Isabelle could feel herself tense. Looking at Alec's face, she felt as though she had wounded him.

"Alec, he had to know… he cares about you too." Isabelle vaguely wondered how many people in the room would say that sentence aloud. Simon would have, not that he was there…

Something had changed in Alec, though. His face looked pained beyond belief, and she couldn't think of why. Was this what everyone had been talking about, how Alec would have bouts of insanity? Was this what he looked like then? Was this even her brother?

Alec had felt it. Maybe it preyed on him when he was weak. The fact that Magnus knew… why would he possibly want him? If he had wanted him before, he had certainly lost him now.

"Not anymore," laughed Alec, slightly louder than necessary. He could feel the familiar sensation of the demon venom taking over again. The worst part was that he knew that it was happening. He knew exactly what was wrong, and he couldn't fix a thing. "Now he doesn't want me at all, do you Magnus?"

Magnus's head snapped up, seeing the familiar expression of horrendous pain flickering across Alec's face.

"Oh dear lord…" muttered Robert, who like Isabelle, was witnessing this for the first time.

"Alec, please stop this now!" commanded Magnus, feeling his voice waver. He didn't want to do this, but it might just work, if he tried to keep better control over Alec. Last time, he had been too gentle, and had let him hurt himself.

Alec froze immediately.

"Don't you talk to my son like that!" growled Maryse, but it sounded weak even to her own ears.

"It doesn't matter, Mother. His voice sounds good in any tone." Alec was looking at Magnus with maddened delight. "Say something else, though. It doesn't matter what…" Alec thought for a moment, before plonking himself down at Magnus's feet like a child. "Tell me that you hate me. Tell me that you never want to see me again. Tell me that you don't want a boyfriend who has 'madness attacks' throughout the day, because it might still sound okay coming from you…"

Everyone in the room shared concerned glances. At the same time as intervening, there was a small part in some of the shadowhunters urging them to leave Alec alone with Magnus. This seemed so private…

Magnus stood up. For a moment, Isabelle thought that he was going to walk out on Alec. Most of them did. The funny part was that a fraction of her wouldn't have held it against him. Seeing her brother like this was truly something she hadn't wanted to see. She almost didn't blame her mother for locking her away.

Slowly, Magnus crouched onto the ground in front of Alec, still maintaining a great difference in height between the two males.

"Alec, why would I say any of those things?"

Alec's crazy grin still hadn't left his ill looking face. Ignoring Magnus's question completely, Alec answered, "Such a nice voice. I will miss your voice, you know… And," said Alec, gesturing at Magnus's boots, "I will miss your boots… and the purple ones. They were pretty."

This time, Alec did not scream or cry. He just seemed to be in a state of childish acceptance. This was equally terrifying to Magnus.

"Alec… you won't have to miss me… I-"

"How could I not miss you?" asked Alec, sounding like a shocked eight year old. "Your eyes," Alec pressed his finger to a point just below Magnus's bottom eyelid, "are the only eyes I have ever wanted to look at me the way you did. And your arms… they were always warm. I was really looking forward to a cold winter… you could have been my blanket... But it's okay. I understand."

"Alec, I don't care about the demon bite. We will fight it. We will fight it together."

"You don't deserve to have to deal with this. Look at you. You did so much for me. I am not going to force you to take this too. You deserve better than _this_."

No tears.

Still no tears.

Hadn't he cried earlier? Magnus remembered that he had, yet now he seemed distant, as though he had already lost.

"How can I deserve better than perfection?"

Alec thought about this, the moment seeming almost comical as he placed his index finger beneath his chin and hummed until a sufficient answer was reached.

"You can't have perfection because that title is taken by you. You do, however, deserve something remotely close. I am not, Magnus. I never was, and now I… now I don't even have a chance."

Magnus shook his head, before leaning in and capturing Alec's unprepared mouth in a chaste kiss. Alec's mouth, at that moment, suited his behaviour. It didn't seem to mirror Magnus's the way it usually did, but seemed unpractised. Alec was not a sexual prodigy, but he had been well acquainted with the art of kissing, and this was out of character. This… illness was affecting Alec's mind and physical recognition when it struck.

Magnus slowly broke away.

"No matter what happens, I will always love you, Alec. I swear to cherish you." Magnus paused for a moment as Alec looked at him with wide, innocent eyes. Magnus swallowed. "I like the way your eyes look at me too, Alexander." Alec didn't flinch at being called this. Maybe his mind really had been trained on being childlike, in a time when grownups did call him by his full name. "And I want to hold you in the coldest winters. I want to be able to have you in my arms, and be able to tell you how much I love you every day."

"If you say s-"

"No!" Magnus exclaimed. The phrase… that was the one he had said when he was prepared to let Magnus break his end of the bargain. "Even if we can't fix this… even if it takes over, I will be with you every step of the way. I will never leave you for as long as we both live."

"That's nice," murmured Alec as he leaned forward against Magnus's chest. He almost seemed at peace, but Magnus knew that the 'madness attack' hadn't finished yet. Alec was still out of sorts. "I thought you would leave me when you knew what you would have to put up with… but I am glad that you didn't. I like being with you, Magnus, because I love you!" Alec giggled as Magnus pulled him in. For Magnus, it was almost as bad as when Alec had been terrified and erratic. For Alec, it was just frustrating. Somewhere inside him, he knew that he was being stupid, but he couldn't stop himself. Every rational thought… it was lost in communication.

"'As long as we both live,'" giggled Alec into Magnus's chest. "It sounds like a marriage proposal, doesn't it?" Alec paused, his eyes going wide. For a moment, Magnus almost thought the storm was passing, but it seemed that Alec had struck a nerve inside himself. "You know I would marry you, if you asked, right? Not now… well, if you asked now, I would still say yes, but…"

"It's okay, Alec. I understand."

In truth, Magnus didn't. The thought of marrying Alexander had well and truly crossed his mind. He had hoped that one day he could, but the fact that Alec had said this out loud… there was definitely something playing in his mind. He pressed his palm against Alec's jaw, feeling that it was still as cold as he remembered. Even after this, something was as he remembered. He gave Alec his best impression of a smile, and received a dazzling one in return. It wasn't fake, and was brighter than Magnus had ever seen it, but it was touched with delusion. Like a child's after being given a reward.

Magnus pulled Alec in against him once more, and couldn't help but look at his family members over his little shadowhunter's shoulder. Most looked mortified. It was, decidedly, partially caused by Alec's sudden desire to marry a Downworlder. There was sadness too, though. Isabelle and Maryse wore identical expressions, each signifying that there were tears threatening to spill. Jace and Robert appeared halfway between ripping him to shreds and completing a wedding ceremony then and there.

"Hey Magnus?" Alec's voice was soft, and almost his own.

"Yes, darling?"

"I think you should put me to sleep again." Alec looked at him. He mainly looked immature, like he wanted to curl up in a crib, but Magnus knew he wasn't tired. Deep down, he just wanted to escape, and Magnus wouldn't deny him that.

"Okay, Alec."

For a moment the room was silent as Magnus placed his hands on either sides of the shadowhunter's face, waiting for the 'okay'.

"Just…" Alec frowned and looked down. "Just one more thing." Alec's eyes flashed with the innocence that Magnus had never seen the likes of in a fully grown man. "Why wouldn't you look at me, when I first came in? If you still love me, why didn't you want to see me?"

"I just…" Magnus begun, without knowing what he was going to say. "Guilt, mostly."

"Guilt?" asked Alec, as though he could not comprehend the word.

"I wasn't supposed to let you get hurt. You kno-"

Alec smirked. "Like I care, Magnus. Don't feel bad… in fact, I prohibit it. Was this what that was about?" Alec actually laughed. "I decidedly don't like it when you feel guilty. I don't want you to look away when I am around, Magnus. Believe it or not, that is the worst thing you can do… so don't feel guilty. Never."

Magnus replied with a weak grin, "Says who?"

"Says the boy who will only be happy when those beautiful eyes look at me without that horrible glance away or sign of disappointment." Alec regretted the words when Magnus flinched. "What is it?"

"I… I just want you to know that I wasn't disappointed in you… just me, Alec. I was disappointed that I didn't see it when I should have."

"Well," said Alec, the scary smile indicating to Magnus that Alec was still in a state of 'definitely not okay', "it's okay now. Everything will be fine, Magnus, I swear."

Magnus sighed, and placed the sleeping spell on Alec again. Alec sounded sure, but he had a promise of insanity waiting to take him over. How could he just 'know' that everything would be fine? Ordinarily, looking at the sure smile on Alec's face would have comforted the warlock, but now it just felt worse. When it did finally take over, he wouldn't just be able to make Alec sleep through the painful days. In the future, he would have to deal with it, and neither of them knew how.

_Actually, Alec had some interesting news for you, before he reacted._

The voice of the Silent Brother cut through Magnus's thoughts like a swift blade, startling Magnus. He quickly looked up at the man who had made the statement.

"Define interesting," ordered Magnus, questions circling his mind.

Everything seemed frozen in place, as Alec's entire family, and Clary, stared at him. Apparently, the Silent Brother had been speaking only to him.

_Warlock Bane, you would almost think you had no idea what you were doing._

This time, it was a different Silent Brother. Perhaps he had offended him with his 'back-to-business' tone, judging by the semi-snide tone. In truth, he had no idea what he was handling, or even if he was prepared to do it. All he knew was that he had to protect Alec. He would do anything he could, if that could just happen.

And so he waited, to hear the words which would alter his world, because make no mistake:

Magnus Bane had _no _idea what he was doing.

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**Reviews?**

**I can practically taste the 200 mark coming up, and I want it so bad. Can I (dare I ask) for around fifteen reviews? I won't hold the next chapter hostage (I wouldn't do that to you guys), but reviews are like drugs, and I love them so.**


	19. Meeting You

**Hey.**

**I am sort of flipping out because I actually got to fifteen reviews on the last chapter. I only realised today, so I was so guilty about taking ages again. I sincerely try not to take any longer than two weeks between updates.**

**I was astounded by the number of awesome anonymous reviews I got. Don't get me wrong; signed reviews rock- I can actually reply to you (which I try to do)- but I understand that a lot of people without accounts don't review (I didn't used to), which is why it is so incredible that I got such lovely comments from ****Tralala (is that Gunther inspired name?), ironsider100, Lizzy (the almighty), Autumnleaves675, Kate and greypen. My heart goes out to you guys.**

**Also to some of you who have supported me since the beginning, or at least nearly. And those of you who have just joined me, my hat goes off to you.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Patricia Sage and MerielTLA. You two have reviewed me for ages, and deserve copious amounts of praise for that alone.**

**Random Fact No. 2898 (random facts get random numbers): Mostly men inherit ****color blindness****. ****Color blindness**** affects about 1 in 20 men to every 1 in 200 women.**

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Isabelle looked at Magnus, hoping that her face wasn't betraying half the emotions she was feeling. The Silent Brothers… they had sure taken their time telling them the news. It had been unimaginably difficult not to injure them as they were told slowly and agonisingly of the miracle of Alec standing a chance against this thing.

The Silent Brothers' news… it had thrown every one of just a little, but it was good. Alec could live. He could make it out of the venomous state of insanity if he survived the remaining attacks. The Silent Brothers had explained that there were only a set number in his system, and that they would strike within the next month or so. Usually, when the victim hadn't lost a lot of blood, these attacks continued for longer, and threw the victim into a constant state of delusion. They had wanted to find a way to bring on all of the attacks within a shorter period time, but Magnus and, to his surprise, Maryse wouldn't allow it. Alec was hardly coping as it was. He was not about to make things worse.

But whatever was in his blood… it wasn't good. It would only strike when Alec was weak, which made the experience a lot more scarring.

Sometimes it would play on Alec's imagination, and other times it would merely hijack Alec's thoughts and send him into a different, and often unhealthy, state of mind. Apparently most shadowhunters who had been bitten in the past had chosen to take their own lives. Some because the venom allowed the victim to be fully aware that they were slowly reaching the brink of their psychological limit, and others because of the pain and images.

It was horrible, that this was to be considered a 'good' thing. It wasn't. To Isabelle Lightwood, there was nothing 'good' about what her brother was going through.

And then… and then she had followed Magnus as he carried Alec to their room.

It was almost amusing, that Magnus had carried Alec all the way to her brother's room, where Magnus would be staying with him. Alec had never taken anyone back to his room. She and Jace had taken respective dates back to their rooms, but Alec's room had always been like some sort of virginal temple. It was empty, and cold. It was like Alec, or at least how Alec had felt. Apparently, not even Magnus had been inside Alec's room before, simply going by the confused expression on his face as he entered the dangerously bland room. Alec, who had woken up part way through being carried to his room, had noticed Magnus's expression too.

"What is it, Magnus?" asked Alec, his voice quiet and exhausted.

"How do you… how do you live in here?" Isabelle had found herself wondering this occasionally herself. He had that ratty second-hand desk, a wardrobe and a bed. The walls were bare aside from a two photographs which sat beside his bed. One was a picture of Jace, Max, their parents and herself. Isabelle couldn't figure out exactly why Alec himself was not in the picture, but he had somehow avoided the family snapshot. At that moment, Magnus seemed to see the second picture. A picture of him.

Isabelle had seen it before, hanging beside on the pale walls, perhaps the brightest thing about her brother's miserable living space. She didn't even know how Alec had taken it, just a snapshot of Magnus laughing at something she couldn't see. Even though the only affection she had for Magnus was completely platonic, she could easily register why Alec was in love with him. The way Magnus looked at the camera, with such adoration… it was enough to make even her believe that maybe true love existed.

Magnus had rested Alec on the bed, and her brother had fallen swiftly under sleep's welcome spell, leaving Magnus's question unanswered and an almost tangible silence in the room. In truth, she had followed Magnus simply in hopes that she could be closer to Alec, but now the boy was dead to the world, and she still wanted to stay…

"Isabelle, not that your presence displeases me, but why are you here?" Magnus's voice was not stern, but almost vacant as he explored Alec's room with disapproval in his cat-like eyes.

"I guess…" It sounded lame, even when she said it in her mind. "I guess I just really want to talk about him… but no one does. Jace is shut off, and while he sometimes talks, it usually comes in an explosion. And my parents… they are just scared of losing another son. They want to forget. I figured that you might entertain the notion better than anyone else, but if you find it strange too…" Isabelle trailed off as she noticed a small smile on Magnus's plain coloured lips.

"I… I think I understand, actually. Nobody wants to just sit down for a moment and recall him being happy and normal while he is in pain, but I think it stands as a reasonable suggestion to discuss my darling before all this. Just him, not the boy who was bitten by that horrible demon, or his future. I think I just want to have a discussion about Alec." People talk about someone's eyes portraying their age, but Isabelle had often found this untrue, especially with Downworlders. Even after centuries, many still looked completely youthful, as though even their minds were untouched by the weight of time. Right then, Magnus's eyes held the intensity and sorrow of eight hundred years, but he wasn't always like that. Letting her eyes stray, Isabelle risked another glance at the picture of Magnus, before looking away when she hear Magnus chuckle.

"If we are going to be telling each other Alec based stories, how about I start with that one?"

Isabelle grinned weakly and nodded. "Was it from when you and Alec went around the world?" Alec never really spoke much about their trip. She knew that he had enjoyed it, and he wasn't ashamed of being with Magnus, but he liked to keep his privacy.

Magnus smiled at the thought. "Yes, it was." He gave a small laugh, precious and rare since Alec had 'fallen ill'. "It was from the day that Alec actually let me take him out to dance with him. He hates it, usually. He can't stand clubs or parties, which I cannot understand. He says that he likes music, and knows that he should feel the desire to move with it, but such a feeling rarely takes a hold of him. Sometimes he wants to jump, or foot tap, but never dance."

Isabelle squinted at the photograph, noticing that Magnus was decked out in a very old fashioned suit, and the realisation hit her as she found herself struggling to contain her laughter, not wanting to wake Alec. "By the angel, you gave into his waltz fetish, didn't you?"

Magnus smiled awkwardly, perhaps reminiscing. "Believe it or not, having a waltz fetish when partnered with an eight hundred year old warlock isn't so bad. I still have my moves, and he was quite impressive as well. I have to admit, it did come as a slight peculiarity."

Isabelle sobered a little. Though she still smiled, she met Magnus's eyes with a touch more seriousness. "You are right, about him never wanting to dance to loud, fast beats. He never did feel it. When he was fifteen, the Lightwood Institute held one of the shadowhunter balls. We all had to learn to waltz, and though Alec wasn't as good as Jace, he truly seemed to enjoy it for the reason all of us seemed to dislike it.

"It was so slow, and gentle, and intimate, yet with such complete innocence that Alec seemed to be happy for a while. He used to have to practise with me, and when I was out, Hodge made Alec lead Jace. Believe it or not," Isabelle said, not missing the jealous look on Magnus's face, "that was Alec's _least _favourite part of the lessons. Sometimes it seemed as though he could never do the right thing, by himself or anyone else. Everyone gets that feeling, the feeling of knowing that your existence doesn't please anyone, not even yourself, but Alec got it a lot. And when he danced with Jace… I knew he liked boys, Magnus. Jace probably did too, but no one knew how to deal with it. Maybe Hodge thought he was doing Alec a favour by letting him dance with his crush-"

"You knew?" asked Magnus, more out of exasperation than surprise. Isabelle eyed him wearily, before continuing.

"Yes, I knew. I think anyone who saw Alec often enough _knew_. Alec _hated _dancing with Jace because it didn't mean anything to him. They could dance, and spend as much time together as they liked, but it would never mean a thing to Jace." Isabelle's eyes were cast down. "So to lead Jace for extra practise, to hold someone so close, yet know that they will never love you… never want you… it is awful, Magnus. Alec hated it."

Magnus wasn't meeting Isabelle's eyes either. The laughter had somehow vanished from the room as they tried to reflect over what had been said. Eventually, Magnus spoke up.

"I am sorry, Isabelle. I know I shouldn't get jealous of Jace. It's just… as much as Alec complains that I don't tell him about my past, Alec doesn't talk about his. He maintains that he had a petty crush on his brother, but he doesn't say how much it must have hurt, every time they were so close, yet never close enough. He tells me that he wishes that he hadn't been a coward, and could have told everyone he was gay sooner, but he never talks about how hard it was for him to come to terms with who he was, or how much he hated it at the start. For me… to find love where it comes from is only natural after so many years, but Alec… especially among shadowhunters… he is so brave." Magnus still didn't look at Isabelle, instead looking at the photograph like it was a lost treasure, and his face softened a little.

"This picture was taken in a ballroom in Venice. It was restored in the early 1900s, and plays host to whoever wishes to join a waltz. It took Alec there after I tried to make him dance at a club, only to find that he had no sense of rhythm. I was half drunk and kept telling him that he would get the hang of it. When he refused to try, we got into a huge fight and he walked out almost in tears. After a while of feeling sorry for myself, I chased after him and asked what was wrong." The sad smile which Isabelle had grown to recognise had made its way onto Magnus's face again as he reached a hand out to Alec's sleeping face, as though to touch it, before pulling away. "He apologised. He told me that he couldn't dance, not the way everyone else did. Maybe it was a mixture of being self-conscious and innocent to the pleasures of the world, but he told me that no matter how hard he tried, he could never quite dance properly.

"I tried to understand… but it was harder for me than even you or Jace. I have lived through so many dances that it comes naturally to me. It isn't really something you can learn, but something you feel, and Alec couldn't feel it. I asked him if he had ever danced before, and he told me that he had learned to waltz." Magnus looked up at Isabelle, this time smiling for real. "So I took him out the next night to make up for getting mad at him. He's so shy, so timid. The moment I took his hand in my own and swayed him to the music, he blushed bright red and kept his head down as though frightened to smile." Magnus paused for a moment. Isabelle wondered if he too was remembering Alec's choked excuse for laughter, or the way he tried to cover his smiles with his hand or a cough. "By the end of the night, he was smiling and laughing and didn't care who saw. In fact," Magnus flicked his fingers next to his own laughing portrait, "there was a matching photograph taken by yours truly which Alec has regrettably neglected to put up."

Beside Magnus's face frozen in bliss appeared a radiant photograph of Alec in a matching frame. Isabelle knew that she shouldn't have been so shocked to see it, but the way Magnus had captured the image of her brother… she had _never _seen Alec smile like that. It wasn't like Magnus's, who grinned with the practise of someone who knew they were stunning, but rather as though he was completely happy, and was not ashamed to feel such an emotion. It wasn't of Alec laughing, but rather standing before Magnus, who was presumably taking the picture, looking disorientated from the dancing yet smiling so wide that his dimples greeted his face for the first time in years. Isabelle didn't even realise that she had started to cry.

"What do you see in him, Magnus? Why did you see it?" Her voice was quivering, and her question had somehow become deformed upon leaving her lips.

"What?" Magnus's voice sounded startled, and maybe a little dangerous. Isabelle quickly tried to rephrase the question.

"No one ever noticed Alec. I was so worried that he was just going to drift idly through life, unnoticed and unloved. Why did _you _notice?" Magnus was still staring at her as if she was speaking gibberish, but he replied anyway, slowly and uncertainly.

"Izzy… Alec isn't exactly unattractive. He truly is beautiful." There was no doubt in Magnus's voice, but he wasn't answering her question. Then again, she still wasn't asking it right.

"He hides, Magnus!" Isabelle wasn't shouting; she didn't want to wake Alec, but her tone suggested that if her voice wasn't hushed, it would have rang through the room like an echoing scream. "He has hidden himself for years. It didn't matter that he was beautiful. It didn't matter that he was sweet, kind, loving and understanding, because he wouldn't let anyone see! The moment a stranger came close, the moment someone displayed the slightest interest in Alec, he would attempt to void himself of anything eye-catching and camouflage. It worked for so long, Magnus. I was scared for him, Jace too, but then you came and looked at him as though he didn't wear hideous sweaters and walk around with overgrown hair and an expression which stated that he would break if you touched him. Why was he so apparent to you? I am sure he wonders too, but what made you so drawn to a boy who used to stammer at the mere thought of being in an honest relationship?"

Magnus eyed Isabelle. Looking at Alec now, it was hard to remember a time when Alec might have walked the earth undetected. To the warlock, he stood out underlined, italicised and in bold, but there had been a time, he supposed, when it might have taken a second glance to realise the boy's beauty. Magnus sighed before speaking.

"I have a secret, Isabelle." Magnus paused, catching the terribly serious look on Isabelle's face. "Oh don't look at me like that, Isabelle. I am not about to come out as straight. No, it is something which Alec already knows, but you cannot tell anyone, okay?"

Isabelle gave Magnus a blank look for a moment, before curiously nodding her head. Magnus gave a sigh of relief.

"You know that before you were born, your parents were the baddies, and I was part of the Justice League of the Downworlders, right?" Isabelle's expression told him that she didn't appreciate comic book humour. Alec might have got it. "Well one day I was sent on a mission to, in short, burgle your house."

"What?"

"In _short_." Magnus took a frustrated breath. "Look, you have to trust me when I tell you that this was for the greater good, and there were a lot of factors in play to get me to do this. And I swear that I didn't hurt any of your family."

Isabelle scoffed. "Well of course. I mean Mother and Father are still here…" Isabelle trailed off and Magnus waited for her to make the realisation. "Oh my lord, Alec was there, wasn't he?"

"Yes. He was no older than a year and a few months, and he was the most beautiful child I had ever seen. Being a warlock… I will never be able to biologically have children, and it isn't a good idea to adopt them either. A lot of warlocks are driven insane with the urge to procreate, or raise someone in their image, but I had never had that desire. Not until that moment.

"When I saw Alec, lying in a cot in an empty room, trained to be silent in case someone tried to hurt him… I wanted to take him away with me. Looking at his wide, curious eyes… I wanted to so badly." Magnus took another breath, as though reliving the memory. "You have to understand what it was like. Your parents… they weren't evil, but they were powerful and on the wrong side. What if Alexander had have been killed because of their mistakes? I could have taken him… but I would never have done that. He was in horrendous circumstances, but his parents loved him in a way a warlock wouldn't have been able to simulate. So I left him with a momento, and prayed that we would live to see each other again."

There was a long pause. Isabelle's parents didn't talk about their 'dark days', and she couldn't blame them, but sometimes she forgot that Alec had been there. Alec had been a child in a war, something which Isabelle could not say for herself.

"That's why you call him Alexander, isn't it?" Isabelle didn't need an answer. "Alec never introduces himself as anything other than 'Alec', but you called him Alexander straight away. It is because when you found him, as a baby, that was just his name, and he didn't know any better."

A weak smile graced Magnus's lips. "Got it in one. For years, every time I thought of finding a child to raise, the same image of blue eyes and black hair on pale skin filled my mind. For almost seventeen years, Alec was 'Alexander' to me. Old habits stick, I guess."

"Why didn't you find him?" asked Isabelle. He was a warlock. If he wanted him so badly, he could have taken him.

"Because he wasn't mine to find. One day, if he needed me, he would find me." Magnus smiled fondly. "And he did, didn't he?"

"That was complete luck. What if you never saw him again, hmm? What then?" Isabelle didn't know why it mattered so much, but for some unapparent reason, it really did.

"Was Alec ever in possession of a silly little toy cat?" asked Magnus suddenly, as though that would clear everything up.

Isabelle looked surprised, before grimacing. "You mean Minnie?"

"What?"

"Minnie. The thing had a name in runic on its foot, apparently. No one else could see it, and most people thought Alec was just being silly for saying that it had a name. When he first started to learn runes, he came out all excited, saying that he knew what the runes were. He said that they spelled 'Minnie'. Of course, we couldn't question what we couldn't see, so the thing carries the name Minnie to this day." Isabelle paused, before approaching Alec's bedside table and carefully opening it so not to wake her brother. "He tells everyone he has out grown it, but he would never throw it away. Sometimes I think that he sleeps with it every night, and hides it in the morning, or maybe just when he is upset…"

Isabelle trailed off as she produced a somewhat worn out toy cat from the small wooden cabinet beside Alec's sleeping head. She held it tenderly, as though she knew she shouldn't be touching it.

"I always used to tease him for it. When I was little, I was the princess who got every toy I wanted. I went through a phase of using this to my advantage and made my parents buy me boxes of stuffed animals." Isabelle still held the cat in her hands, thoughtfully as though she stood alone in the room, without Magnus's watching eyes. "But to me, they were just toys. They didn't have minds. I wasn't like the little girls who used to have tea parties with her dolls and pretend they were real. Why should I pretend?

"I figured that one day, I would find 'the one'; a toy which meant to me what Minnie means to Alec, but I never did. I used to laugh at Alec when he was little and used to carry Minnie around, even though it was the only toy he ever had. I mean, when he was older, he could have bought some, but he only ever wanted Minnie."

Magnus reached out to take a hold of the child's toy, holding it with a heart breaking smile. "Did you ever find out who gave it to him?"

"No." Isabelle paused, looking confused. "Alec used to ask our parents if they gave Minnie to him as a present when he was a baby. I suppose he secretly wished that maybe they had, but they told him that they never gave him such a thing, that it just appeared one day after a…" Isabelle trailed off with a strange expression on her pale face, before lowering her voice. "You left this behind for him, didn't you? After you left, this is what you gave him to remember you by, isn't it?"

Magnus gave a miniscule grin. "Not that it worked. 'Minnie'. He never told me that he had given it a name. I guess the mark had faded a little by the time he had learnt to read. Or maybe he just hadn't quite learnt to read very well…" Magnus brushed his palm over the cat's foot, making the runic word stand out in gold.

"'Magnus Bane'? All along, Alec's little toy Minnie has been named 'Magnus Bane'?" Isabelle looked at the warlock incredulously. "And you didn't think that signing your name on a child's toy could have been dangerous? You are lucky that Alec couldn't read properly, and didn't tell his parents that his bloody favourite toy was named after a terrifyingly sparkly warlock! You are lucky that the idiot translated it as 'Minnie'." Isabelle sighed in frustration, forcing herself to remember that it hadn't _actually _ended badly. "Why did you sign your name? Just for the heck of it, or…?"

"So that he could find me, if he ever wanted to. Maybe… maybe it was stupid, to make such assumptions of a child, but I was frightened that he would be mistreated when he was older. I just wanted him to know that someone was there, looking after him." Magnus was actually blushing a little.

"But you forgot about him for years-"

"I never forgot!" Magnus cut in, his voice louder than he anticipated. He quickly lowered it again, so not to wake his beloved. "For a while, until the war was over, I would check my sources to make sure that he was alive and accounted for. After that, when I knew he was probably safe, I would only check every few months, then only once a year, but I never forgot. Had Alec come out on his own, and it ended badly, I would have taken him in in an instant. If I ever heard he was being abused, I would have been the first to save him. I never forgot about Alexander."

"But you never saw him. He has lived in New York for almost his whole life, and he hadn't seen you once until he was eighteen. Why would you care so much about a child you never saw grow up?"

"Because I wanted to care for someone. I wanted to be his superhero from a distance. Maybe it was just a silly project, but even then, I loved the idea of Alexander Lightwood." Magnus paused, checking to see that Isabelle wasn't too creeped out. "Sometimes I would hear things about him which only reinforced my love for the seemingly imaginary boy. People would talk about him being quiet and handsome, and I would think 'He hasn't changed. He is still the child I left behind.' But I decided not to visit him. If he needed me, he would find me."

"I am so glad he did." There were still tears in Isabelle's eyes from when she had seen the picture of Alec smiling. "Tell me about meeting him, the second time. How did you know it was him?"

"At first, I didn't see him. Not at the door." Magnus looked as though he were concentrating. "But I did, he just didn't really-"

"Stand out?" asked Isabelle knowingly.

"Yeah, that." Magnus looked saddened. "I should have noticed him more. Every time a person arrives at a party, or in a room, I automatically add them to a head count. That is why once I had 'welcomed' you all into my apartment, I suddenly realised that there was someone I hadn't really looked over properly.

"I like to think that it was merely his company opposed to himself that I overlooked him. I mean, you and Jace demand attention up front, and seeing Clary again was a blast from the past… even Simon received a second glance simply because he was a Mundane, but Alec seemed to blend."

"You shouldn't feel guilty. He does it on purpose." Isabelle spoke understandingly rather than with any sign of harshness.

"Yes, I know, but this was different. Afterwards, I went to relocate him. It wasn't urgent… he was just another guest, and a shadowhunter at that. It wasn't as though he would maul any of the others. But still, I had to find him. It bothered me for some reason." Magnus paused, glancing up at Alec's photograph which now hung on the wall. "And then I saw him.

"I saw his raven black hair drawn like curtains around his delicate face. I saw his pale skin which seemed to glow, even in the darkness. I saw his beautiful blue eyes meet mine for just a moment, and thought that maybe he was my boy. Maybe this was sweet little Alexander. I didn't approach him; I didn't dare say a word to him. I waited to find out who he was, though I can't say why. Had he been a stranger, I would have desired to know him, and had he been Alexander, I would have been even more lured to him. When I heard Jace call him 'Alec' after he gave him and his parabatai away for damaging those vamp bikes, I knew for sure.

"I think in that moment, my dream of protecting and guiding a child from afar was partially trampled." Magnus laughed. "I saw him, and as awkward as he was, I knew that I could never think of him as a child again. I know it sounds silly, especially in this modern time, but I think I fell in love with him, then and there. I know people are meant to be unsure and afraid of their feelings, and are meant to wait months before contemplating the terrifying word 'love', but I think I knew almost that instant that Alec was even more special to me than I would have thought. I know now that I fell in love with him at that moment, because I loved him even when I thought that he didn't return my feelings. I loved him when he pretended he didn't know me. I loved him when I swore to myself that I wouldn't." Magnus leaned down over Alec's sleeping head, planting a kiss on the boy's sleeping brow. "And I love him now, and always."

Isabelle gave Magnus a long hard look, thinking about everything he had told her. Of loving the child he had left behind, and loving the man he had found in turn. His love for Alec… she wondered now how Alec had ever questioned it enough to believe Magnus to have broken up with him. Isabelle sighed, snatching Minnie away from Magnus and placing it beside Alec in his bed, before turning back to the startled warlock, thinking back to his proclamation and grinning deviously at Magnus.

"Good. You had damn well better."

Magnus smirked in reply.

"Goodnight."

* * *

**I have decided that like Ms. Clare herself, I will be dishing out spoilers, though sometimes I wonder why. Speaking of whom: **

**Disclaimer: If Cassandra Clare wrote her own fanfiction, it would be one hell of a lot better than this.**

**Teaser:**

_A cold wave of terror washed over Alec's face as the boy watched the scene play out. _

"_Why?"_

"_Because," whispered Magnus, pressing his hands down around Alec's neck and applying pressure, even as the boy squirmed, "I need you gone, and you seem incapable of seeing to that yourself. You are useless." Alec couldn't breathe, the air was rushing out of his lungs. Magnus was going to kill him there and then. "Idiotic." He was going to die. Alec watched as his own face writhed in pain. "Unworthy."_

_So close._

_He was so close._

**Reviews?**


	20. Waking to You

**Hey.**

**Yes, I know I am terrible. I sort of fail hardcore when I need to update, but anyone who tries to write fanfiction on the holidays will realise how difficult it is. Or maybe it is just me…**

**To anyone who enjoyed my little story about baby Alec meeting Magnus, I posted a one-shot some time ago about it. Check it out on my profile, called 'Point of Intersection' (sticking with the math themed names).**

**This chapter is a doosy. I probably spelled that wrong. Anyway, this is VITAL. I wrote this terrible chapter, so I realise that this may be a little/a lot more confusing than I intended.**

**Firstly, the perspective in this follows the way I personally dream. When I dream, I see it like a video game or a performance. I just see myself doing something, and for some reason, it makes complete sense that I am watching myself being eaten alive/going to math class. So… think of this as Alec watching himself and Magnus doing a performance on stage, or reflecting upon a memory. Yeah, he is a little confused, but not jealous or angry to see Magnus with 'this' Alec. Just… read and heed my words… I hope you guys get it. Just a note, if you are reading this in front of a television or a rant on latitudinal lines at school, please close this and read it another time… it sounds arrogant, and I apologise, but this seriously is the most confusing chapter ever. In hindsight, I probably should have written it like the other chapters. Maybe I am being a worry wart.**

**Sometimes I feel the need to recommend things (thank you to all the people who watched my friend's video a couple of chapters back, and a hug to anyone who commented). http: /www . youtube . com/watch?v=dysG12QCdTA. Some of you may know it. It is the song 'Gay Pirates' by Cosmo Jarvis. It isn't a comedy. It is a tragic song, and although I cannot cry, I did pull a ton of ugly crying faces. Feel free to tell him that Magnus Bane loves him too *grins*.**

**Random Fact No. 39847239478: (In honour of my sister, who sat a practise exam with the hiccups) ****A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 6 years.**

**To Disturbing Emily: Hopefully this story continues to challenge the very word 'disturbing'.**

* * *

_Alec looked at Magnus. It was strange… he could see himself, talking to Magnus. It was like there was a clone of himself, smiling at Magnus as they sat together on the bed… but it was still different. Like he wasn't himself at all, but merely a bodiless set of eyes watching as Magnus seemed to hug the Alec who stood before him. He didn't feel jealous, though. He just watched, smiling as the other Alec smiled in Magnus's arms._

_It was a beautiful scene. It was impossible, of course, but still beautiful. There were no scars on his wrists, and they were in Magnus's brightly coloured bedroom, opposed the dull, undecorated room he called his own. It didn't make sense, but just watching Magnus as he hugged 'Alec', he didn't care. It may have been too good to be true, but he still wanted it to be._

_Magnus had Alec in a tackle position, tickling him on top of Magnus's enormous bed. He watched as this other Alec laughed, unaware that he was watching. Was this a memory? It must have been… it looked so familiar. How many times had this exact thing happened to Alec before, when Magnus would tackle him down on their bed and he would laugh in a fit glee._

_Alec and Magnus seemed to roll around, while this new Alec would occasionally squeal, quickly losing his breath as the warlock attacked him with little mercy._

"_Stop it!" play whined Alec, grinning up at Magnus. It was like nothing was wrong, like nothing had changed. This world hadn't crumbled. Whatever it was, it was glorious._

"_Not until you say that you will give me anything I want," smirked Magnus knowing that he had won._

"_Don't I always?" asked Alec, looking up in glee._

"_No," replied Magnus. Both Alecs seemed startled at the warlock's tone it was… different. In the end, the figure who lay beneath Magnus ignored the comment to smile up at Magnus._

"_Fine. What do you want?" All that could be heard was their deep breaths as they attempted to recover from their strenuous activities. There was a noticeable change in atmosphere. _

_At this, everything seemed to change. It was as if this fantasy world seemed to get… darker? No, not even that. There was still light. The room was still being harassed with Magnus's unnatural colour scheme, but all of a sudden no one seemed happy. Even as they smiled, nothing seemed happy… like it was just an act in a play…_

_Alec watched them, this other Alec and Magnus, and he felt the overwhelming urge to scream out that something was wrong, but he had no voice. It was as though he were watching a recording. Like this had already happened, and there was nothing he could do. He had no control. He couldn't turn away or leave._

"_I want to play with you, Alexander." Magnus's voice was dangerous; a tone which Alec had never been the victim of before. Alec could only imagine the fear of the boy beneath Magnus. Without warning, the warlock's hand struck Alec across the face. All of a sudden, everything went still._

_No one had struck Alec like that._

_His parents, maybe… and Isabelle when he had done things particularly upsetting. Jace generally punched him… but this was different._

_Magnus wouldn't hurt him._

_He would never hurt him._

_But hurt him he had… or rather the him who sat before the warlock, but they were the same. This other Alec… it was still him. It wasn't an imposter, it was him. He could tell. Why did he have to watch this?_

"_Magnus! What the hell was-" But Alec was cut off as Magnus pinned him down. It wasn't tickling anymore. Magnus seemed intent on hurting him. Why wasn't he running, then? Just watching them, Alec knew he should have run. Then again, in that position, he wouldn't have, would he?_

_Magnus was upset. There had to be a reason. Magnus needed him to understand him, like the warlock had done for him countless times before._

"_Maybe I should leave," mumbled Alec. He was flushing red, perhaps a little embarrassed. He didn't seem to know how to deal with Magnus at that moment._

"_That is what you always do, isn't it Alec?" Another slap, harder this time. "You leave when something goes wrong, hide when something is scary. Am I scaring you, Alec?"_

_Alec tried to wiggle free, but Magnus was considerably stronger than he looked._

"_Stop, please." Magnus looked like he hated him. Alec watched as the boy who sat before Magnus seemed to stop trying to gain freedom. "You are scaring me, Magnus. Please stop."_

"_You are always scared, aren't you?" Magnus's voice was cruel. "Too scared to love me." Magnus groped Alec's front. "Too scared to give me what I want."_

_Alec's face was stricken, and all he could think as he watched this was that Magnus was right. Magnus was always right, wasn't he? But right then… at that moment, both Alecs were questioning this._

"_Get away from me." Another pitiful attempt at escape. Another miserable failure, followed by a blow to the face. "What do you want, right now Magnus? What?"_

_He could hear 'Alec's' voice cracking, but he seemed stronger than he would have thought, before the realisation struck him; this Alec was from before everything had happened. But this… this wasn't a memory. This hadn't happened, had it? Had Magnus made him forget?_

_No._

_Magnus wouldn't- he wouldn't do that to him._

_Would he?_

"_Oh look, Alec Lightwood, finally willing to submit. Aren't we a fortunate audience?" Magnus sounded crazed, and it must have been the most terrifying thing Alec had ever witnessed. His eyes were alive with killer intent, and his mouth displaying strangely sharp teeth._

"_If this is about me not putting out for you, I apologise. I didn't realise being celibate would send you over the edge!" Why wouldn't this Alec shut up? He was making it worse. He should just give Magnus whatever he wanted. That was what the present Alec would do…_

"_You think I couldn't get whatever you could have given me anywhere else, shadowhunter?" Magnus's voice was vicious. "Do you really think I didn't? You might have been good, had I have tried you out, but you were still inexperienced. You would have hardly known what to do."_

"_Get off me Magnus. Get off me and let me leave."_

_Don't leave, Alec wanted this phantom of himself to stay. Don't let him leave you… what if he doesn't come back?_

"_You are young," continued Magnus, as though he hadn't heard Alec, "younger than I usually allow myself to take. Usually I like the boys in their mid-twenties, but I made an exception for you. I thought you were a good boy, who did what you were told. In some respects, I was right. You are weak, but a strong coward. You kept me a secret."_

_Guilt flooded over both Alecs._

"_What can I-"_

"_I wish you had died, Alec," said Magnus thoughtfully. Alec froze and looked into the warlock's cat like eyes._

"_When?"_

"_When I left you, I just wanted you gone," commented Magnus, as the long burn marks slowly grew down Alec's arms again. Alec wondered if they had always been there, but he couldn't have been mistaken. They just reappeared, as though by some terrible form of magic. "But I had to save you, didn't I? Clary and Isabelle knew what you were doing, so I had to save you. But I don't care anymore, Alec. I realised; Why would I care what the Clave think of me? They probably aren't fond of you either."_

_Either?_

"_You stopped loving me?" The words sounded pitiful as Alec listened to them befall his own lips, but the boys could not take them back, even as Magnus shot him a horrific grin._

"_Oh Alec, I wouldn't say stopped." Magnus shifted position so that he was crouching on the Alec who lay shocked beneath him, angling his knee so that it rested on his ribs. Alec hardly realised when Magnus discreetly jabbed at the body beneath him with his knee, a sharp snap of the shadowhunter's rib shortly following, alongside a pained cry. "Who's to say I liked you all that much to start with?"_

_He wanted to scream 'You did! You always told me you did!', but how could he possibly argue with the warlock? If he didn't love him, what was the point?_

_Even if he had held him just moments ago…_

"_If you want me to go, I will. If you hate me so, then I would rather be gone." His voice was strained and hurt and full of confusion._

"_I am afraid that isn't an option. I need you dead, Alec."_

_A cold wave of terror washed over Alec's face as the boy watched the scene play out. _

"_Why?"_

"_Because," whispered Magnus, pressing his hands down around Alec's neck and applying pressure, even as the boy squirmed, "I need you gone, and you seem incapable of seeing to that yourself. You are useless." Alec couldn't breathe, the air was rushing out of his lungs. Magnus was going to kill him there and then. "Idiotic." He was going to die. Alec watched as his own face writhed in pain. "Unworthy."_

_So close._

_He was so close._

_Alec wanted Magnus to hurry up. He didn't have tears or a voice, but watching as the vision of himself as he pled for mercy was enough to know that he couldn't take much more._

_All of a sudden, Magnus raised his hands away, and Alec gave several heaving gasps for air. For a moment, he thought Magnus to be coming to his senses, but the sly grin on Magnus's face proved that theory incorrect._

"_How did you like that, Alexander?" purred Magnus, his voice erotic and teasing._

"_You… you… God…" Alec could scarcely speak, his breaths too laboured._

"_Speak up, Honey, I can't hear you."_

_In a harsh jolt, Alec watched as his own body was thrown into a spasm of pain. It took a moment for Alec to recognise what this was, before the realisation dawned on him; Magnus was sending the same shock waves through the boy's –his – body as warlocks used to torture criminals._

"_Can you speak now?" Alec made a rasping sound, as though the ability to make a comprehensible noise eluded him. Magnus seemed satisfied. "Good. Do you want me to do that again?"_

_Alec shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip in a pathetic attempt to keep some of his tears at bay._

"_Okay then." Magnus tucked a strand of hair away from Alec's face, as though it was a mock comfort gesture. "Beg me to stop, Alexander. Beg me to kill you."_

_There was nothing left but pain. Alec looked at the phantom creature, the mirror image of himself, and for a moment, it seemed as though they locked eyes. It was like a silent agreement. Whatever was wrong with Magnus… he wanted him hurt._

_Dead._

_Gone._

_Could he deny him that? When he lay there with broken ribs and bruises lining his body, his spirit stolen away, did he really have a choice? What would Magnus do if he didn't give in to him? Would he kill him anyway, hurt him more?_

_Was it even possible to hurt him more?_

_If this was his option, Alexander Lightwood wanted little more than to die. At least he would be in the arms of Magnus Bane as he drew his last breaths…_

"_Please…. Please…" It was so hard. Both Alec's seemed to be in synch at that moment. Both knew that they should perish at the warlock's hand, but it was so hard to just ask for it. But he had to. He had to. "Please, Magnus…" It was so difficult to breathe. "Please kill me."_

_Magnus's smile stretched wider than it had all night._

"_Since you asked so nicely…"_

* * *

Magnus lay awake on his pillow, staring at Alec's figure in the dark. He didn't know what had woken him exactly. Alec had awoken as he had carried him to the room, but had fallen asleep again almost at the same time as his head had hit the pillow. He had kept his promise, though. Despite being a semi-warm night, Alec had lied against Magnus's chest as the older man held him in his long, slim arms. It should have been perfect…

But why had he woken up?

Magnus had trained himself to only wake up when something in the room moved, or changed to a different pattern. Nothing was wrong. Nothing had changed, had it?

Alec looked peaceful. He wasn't moving, though Magnus could feel a steady heart beat and pulse. He was amazed that he could sleep at all, even with Alec by his side.

Alec was lucky, he supposed, though it was difficult for Magnus to think of him as such. Not after what had happened. But he was willing to fight, and Magnus would make sure Alec was saved, against any and all odds.

Slowly, Magnus noticed Alec's eyes fluttering open. He gave the shadowhunter a distinctly 'good morning' sort of smile as he was once again engulfed by Alec's splendid blue irises, but he quickly realised that something _was _wrong. Something was very incredibly wrong.

For a moment, his lover just laid still, eyes betraying shock, before he shot up, tears flowing quickly from his eyes as he leapt away from the warlock, springing to the other side of the bed in an instant.

He hadn't been restless in his sleep. He had seemed peaceful, almost dead in the night. There had been nothing to portray the horrors which were being realised in Alec's mind.

"Alec, what is wrong?" Magnus was quite awake by that moment, and was reaching over to comfort the boy, only to find that he shied away from his touch. His beautiful face wore a look of sheer distress as it sought shelter in his palms.

But Alec couldn't even answer.

Everything was wrong.

Everything was so goddamn wrong.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

* * *

**Reviews?**

**Thank you all for bearing with me.**

**Teaser:**

_**"You are not doing anything wrong!" Magnus's voice had risen, but it was too late to snatch the sound from the air.**_

**_"Yes I am!" Alec's voice was a shout coloured with agony. "This is what it does... this demon thing. It shows you things... it makes you do things, and you are never sure where you stand. You can't help thinking 'Would I have done that? Was that really me? I would have, wouldn't I?' When I was in that dream, just watching myself on the ground, writhing in pain... I had no idea if I would have fought you. Ha!" Alec laughed, a terrible smile on his lips. "But I wanted to scream at me 'Stop fighting him. If you keep defying him, he might not love you. He might spare you, and if he doesn't, you do not deserve to be spared-"_**

**_"Enough," growled Magnus._**


	21. Puppeteering You

**Hey.**

**Grr. I am just as angry at myself as I am sure you guys are with me. I am sorry this is a touch late. I do have excuses, but I shall not waste your time with them. Originally, this chapter and the next one were just one chapter, but then it got **_**huge**_**, so I split them. This one is quite an interesting one, which I suppose challenges one aspect of my classic comforting Magnus.**

**At some stage or another, we are all put into positions where we are overwhelmed by curiosity, when perhaps it is best to leave things be. We, as people, always feel that if we know someone's problem, we can fix it for them, while we may in actuality just be hurting them. Sometimes we desire to learn everyone's secrets, to try and weave a safety net, but this so often results in failure.**

**Sometimes, we just have to let things be… and sometimes we push it too far…**

**(Deep, I know).**

**Random Fact No. 23847238: King Charles the Second is the reason women can perform in plays and puritan ways are no longer the law (puritans took away makeup, sport, plays, fun, and even though they were a branch of the church, Christmas). Basically, I love Charles the Second. He also did a heap of other stuff, like setting the man who not only attempted to steal the crown jewels, but also made an attempt on his life ****free. ****See here, a song about lovely Charlie: http: / www. youtube. com/ watch?v=P2kyNbZc7oc**

**Remove spaces and enjoy.**

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Magnus eyed Jace as he approached his crying beloved, making hushed sounds which were supposed to be soothing while the warlock was forced to stand back, unable to touch or hold the shadowhunter who cowered behind the bed they had so recently shared. He wanted so badly to reach out and comfort him, but something was wrong with Alec… something he couldn't control.

When the boy had originally awoken, it had seemed like he had woken from a nightmare… except different still. His whole body had been still, his breathing even. He had seemed to be in a worrisomely deep sleep, but if he had actually been in a deep sleep, Alec wouldn't remember whatever horrors he had faced in the night. When he had started to bawl, Magnus had tried to ask what was wrong, tried to tell him it was okay and hold him close, but Alec's sobs only increased, alongside heartbreaking screams of terror. He had leaped away to hide behind his bed, as though Magnus was a nightmarish monster, and at that moment, Magnus had started to worry that he was.

"Alec… Alec it is okay now. It is just me and Magnus, no one is going to hurt you now," plead Jace, his voice an octave higher than usual. Perhaps this was one of his first attempts to comfort someone in a state of pure insanity. Alec, who was holding his face in his hands, gave a whimper. Jace turned to Magnus, comforting façade thrown aside. "What the hell happened? One moment, everything is silent, the next all I can hear is my brother screaming in the early hours of the morning. I am not going to accuse you of anything, warlock, but if you did anything – _anything_ – you had better fess up now."

"I don't know." A bitter smirk crossed Magnus's tired face. "I never know. It feels like I never really knew how Alec felt before. The best answer I can possibly give is that _no, _I did not harm him or even utter a hateful word before he awoke like this."

"I was a dream, then?" Jace sounded more confused than the situation warranted, even as they both heard the unyielding gasps of the eldest Lightwood as he flinched at their voices.

"You almost sound like this fact makes a fatal difference." Magnus wondered how long it would be before the Silent Brothers arrived. Jace hadn't been the only one to hear the screams of his brother. Isabelle had come shortly after the blond, only to be shoved out the door to find help.

"It's just… Alec doesn't dream. Not really. I mean, I know that all people dream, he just never remembers more than flashes or glimpses, faces or scenes. He hates it, especially when Izzy, Max and I would dream of the most intriguing things. He used to tell us that it was because he was the least interesting." Jace caught Magnus's foul expression, and hurriedly continued. "_Not _that he is, Magnus, you know I wouldn't say that. It's just what he said."

"So, the fact that he is dreaming now," began Magnus, ignoring Jace's later comments, "could either be from trauma… or this thing is hijacking his thoughts when he sleeps."

Silence fell over the two boys, both listening to Alec. Looking at Magnus's face, Jace was left somewhat frightened. Every time Alec made a noise – a gasp, a trembling plea – the warlock would seemingly wince as though having been fatally struck. Jace knew the feeling. It took every ounce of strength he possessed not to force Alec into an embrace, but the older teen refused to be touched, every touch causing him more distress. To their slight relief, Alec was seemingly calming down, but that might only be a temporary reaction to having been left alone.

"Why did it have to be him, Magnus? Anyone else… he isn't weak, but Isabelle could have taken it better. She doesn't like to reach out for help, but when things are beyond her control, she doesn't shy away. He lets things creep up on him, and just ends up getting hurt. He has that stupid complex of needing to be responsible, and he lets it go too far." Jace and Magnus couldn't see Alec, but they were both faced in his direction. "I wouldn't wish it on Isabelle, of course, I just-"

"No, I know what you mean. I wish it had been me, too." It was funny how Magnus had known exactly what he had meant, without having to be told. "And Alec will make it through all this, I know he will." Magnus's voice was far from stable and certain, but his words still held power even as he lowered his voice. "I won't let him fall, Jace. I will do everything and anything to insure that Alec makes it out okay. I will take any burden, pay any price to insure that his smile contains no sign of insanity for as long as we live."

Sometimes Magnus wondered why he said these things. He wanted to be Alec's hero, his knight in the endless darkness, but it was all just talk. He didn't know how he was going to fix Alec, nor how things could possibly get better. When Alec was quivering, afraid of the touch from the very man he adores the most in the world, there seemed to be little to look forward to, even as Isabelle came rushing into the room alongside the Silent Brothers. Jace barely seemed to notice, though, approaching Alec like a nurse to a shell shocked patient.

"Alec, can you hear me? Tell me what is wrong, Alec, and I will fix it for you, 'kay? I will make it all alright again, Alec. You don't have to be afraid." Jace's voice still sounded awkward, but Alec's head peeked above the bed, signifying that Alec could understand him. Magnus thought he heard Isabelle gasp at the sight of her shaking brother.

"J-Jace… I… I'm sorry," Alec replied, using that awful phrase he kept misusing. He had no reason to be sorry, but as he stood there, he looked almost ashamed. Something had changed… before, he had been blind with fear, but now he simply seemed upset, even as he still quivered. "I… I am sorry for having woken you all… it's nothing. Please go back to bed-"

"In what universe is this nothing, Alec? Please, tell me what happened. _Please_." Magnus tried to smile but the gesture melted away as Alec flinched as he spoke, as though terrified of him.

_Step back, Bane. He is understandably frightened._

Magnus looked up at the Silent Brother who had communicated to him, before responding in his mind. _Why? Do _you _know what happened? _

_Trust me, warlock, when I tell you that you won't be doing anyone any favours by approaching him like this-_

_But I need to know! You know I need to know. _Magnus was losing his calm. Alec was frightened, and he once again had no idea why or how to help.

_Drop it, Bane. You will find out later, when he is ready. Do not push this._

They already knew what was going on, the Silent Brothers. They already knew, even while Alec only just seemed to be recovering from a melt-down. Magnus looked at Jace, as if to tell him to try again with Alec, receiving a funny look in return. It was as if he too were wondering why Magnus was not allowed to approach his beloved.

"Alec, we don't mind being awake, just let me help you up." Jace stretched his honey tanned hand out towards Alec, trying to look confident and careless, as though everything was guaranteed to be fine. Hesitantly, Alec took his brother's outstretched hand and slowly picked himself up from the floor, looking humiliated and as though he were about to faint. Jace gave Alec a soft smile and pulled the taller boy into a supportive embrace, partially born from affection, but also from a need to physically hold Alec as he struggled to stand. Alec was still crying, the sobs apparent as he leaned into Jace's shoulder.

"I didn't meant to, Jace… I was just a little bit scared. I overreacted, and I am sorry. It was nothing – nothing worth being concerned over – so please just leave." Alec's voice was so unsteady, and as Magnus watched Jace holding his love in his arms, Magnus could not help but wish that he was the one holding Alec.

"If it is really nothing Alec, then why won't you look at Magnus? You love him, don't you? Can't you see how worried he is?" Jace spoke gently, seeming uncomfortable being so close to Alec as the others, Isabelle, Magnus and the Silent Brothers, watched them with keen eyes.

"I do! I s-swear, Jace, I do love him… I just… He can't know, Jace." Alec's voice was a whisper, but his eyes distinctly drifted towards the Silent Brothers. "He cannot find out. Please, do not let him find out. I am sorry to have had those thoughts, believe me-"

"We believe you, Alec, we do," soothed Jace, looking positively confused out of his wits, eyes seeming to gesture for Magnus to come over and help him, and Magnus obliged willingly. "Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. You know this thing is hurting you-"

"You don't understand, Jace! I did it. I did _that_, and he…" Alec turned to Magnus for the first time since waking, daring to meet his gaze. "You would hate me if you knew what I thought. You would be so disgusted in me."

"Nothing, Alexander, could ever leave me disgusted with you. If you didn't already know that, I am telling you now that I love you, and nothing is going to change that-"

"How can you know that?" whispered Alec, eyes filled with tears as he locked his gaze on the warlock's. "What is more; how can you believe that? If you knew… if you knew what I had thought…"

"It was a dream, Alec. Nothing more than a dream. Whatever happened, whatever we did in that dream, it wasn't real. Come on." Magnus took Alec's hand, trying to ignore the spasm of terror which took hold of Alec's facial muscles, and pulled him down lightly so that they sat side by side on the bed. Had they really been sleeping together, just moments ago? Had that also been but a sweet dream?

"Isabelle, Jace, thank you for your help. You can both go back to your rooms," said Magnus, though he knew that neither sibling would be granted a wink more of sleep. They didn't complain, perhaps knowing that Magnus needed to figure this out. "Brother Eli, if you could please stay." It wasn't a question. Magnus turned to Alec, who had gone back to avoiding his gaze even as they sat but centimetres apart. "You know that I need to know what happened, Alec. I need to be there for you, understand what is happening to you. We are going to need to figure this thing out, alright sweetie?"

Looking at Alec… it was becoming so different each and every time. Sometimes his eyes seemed to hold an entirely different entity, as though the demon was shining through his gorgeous blue depths… but now it was just Alec. It wasn't the usual serious gaze which regularly befell him, nor the expression of sheer glee he had sworn to see more often, but a frightened, terrified tint to Alexander Lightwood's stunning irises. The thought had occurred to him before, that he could just 'magic' Alec happy. When he was sad, and wished he was someone else, but he couldn't do that. Not to Alec, who was as close to perfect as he dared to ask. He would never fiddle with an ideal. He could not have been any better, his little shadowhunter, than how he was born.

As the others closed the door behind them, Magnus turned to Brother Eli, Alec's hand still in his own, even if it was limp in his grasp.

"So, do you have any idea what happened?" Magnus asked aloud. As awful as this was, Alec needed to find out everything just as much as he did. He still didn't seem to have a firm grasp on what was real, and what was not. Brother Eli seemed to stare at him as though he was a moron.

_If we could have a private moment, I think that might be more appropriate-_

_He deserves to know_, Magnus hissed. Alec shouldn't be kept in the dark. _I will not compromise on that._

_As you wish. _The Silent Brother sounded vaguely bitter, and Magnus wondered when it was that the Brothers had become so sassy. _Alexander has had a rather awful dream. This thing, whatever it is, sent Alexander into a state of semi-hibernation. By doing this, the demon was able to attack Alec from the inside, while nothing about his external body – his breathing, heartbeat or sweat glands – would have alerted anyone nearby of his nap time adventures._

_Before you say it, Bane_, continued Brother Eli, cutting Magnus off before he could ask his question, _the reason this is only happening to Alexander now is because all the other times he has slept of recent have been either through runes, spells, or being in a state of deep unconsciousness. You will, of course, proceed to send Alexander to sleep with a Sleeping Spell from now on, so to avoid any more similar incidents. Alexander will not be able to draw a rune on himself as we have temporarily taken his stele away in case another 'situation' arises._

Alec winced, and Magnus realised that Brother Eli was speaking to them both, even though his words referred to Alec as though he wasn't even in the same room.

_Something which you may not be aware of is the fact that using Sensors, we are able to detect when Alec is having an 'attack', or 'spasm' if you will. When the demon venom theoretically 'jabs' at his mind, it releases demon energy. Which is why you will require one of these. _The Silent Brother threw a Sensor to Magnus. _Though I suppose being part demon, you can sense the shift, can't you? If I am correct, that is what woke you up. _Magnus tried to take in the information gratefully, but found himself scarcely resisting the urge to scream.

Brother Eli angled his body to the trembling shadowhunter, his psychological voice mimicking the one a secretary might use on the phone. _Is there anything you would like to tell your dear beloved, Alexander? Or would you rather I showed Mr Bane for you?_

Alec began to shudder again, and it took Magnus a moment to realise that he was shaking his head to say 'no'. The warlock hastily wrapped his arms around his shadowhunter, giving him a tender squeeze. It was perhaps one of the worst feelings imaginable, Magnus decided, to have to sit by your broken lover, with your arm around them uselessly, having no idea what had gotten them into such a state. He wanted – needed – to know what had happened, but it just seemed like he was prying. Was he? Was it even possible that he could just leave Alec's problems alone and pretend that everything was okay? But Alec's problems were his problems, and he could not remedy what he did not know.

"Please don't, Magnus. Please don't see what I thought… what I did. Please don't look," whispered Alec, his thin fingers clutching Magnus's arm a little harder than he intended. Magnus raked Alec over with his eyes, finding himself torn. Alec obviously didn't want him to know what had gone wrong in his mind, but he _really _needed to know. This _was _why the shadowhunters were allowing him to be with Alec, wasn't it? To be there for Alec, to be his pillar of support, to understand what was happening, and most importantly, to accept it.

"Alec, my lovely," Magnus ran a hand through Alec's knotted dirty hair, wet from sweat, leaving clean soft black tresses in its wake, "I need to see this." Magnus let his hand fall, cupping the side of Alec's face and tilting it so that the light struck Alec at such an angle that it took no measure of imagination to see that his boy was an angel. Brother Eli's face fell in disgust. Magnus knew that it was not from his affectionate touches with Alec, but rather from the knowledge of the words which were about to befall Magnus's guilty lips. "Do you not trust me, Alec, to understand? Does your love for me fall away when you think you have done wrong, and leave me bewildered as you suffer? Do you think me such a hideous beast as to ridicule the one I love the most?" Magnus had twisted his features into a look of confused hurt, as though _he _was the one who had been wronged. Magnus wondered what Brother Eli must have been thinking, to have heard such filthy manipulation from someone who was supposed to be being honest and caring. Magnus was disgusted in himself, for trying to guilt Alec into willingly showing him this dark memory.

"Oh Magnus… I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to make you feel that I could…" Alec looked horrified at Magnus's words. "I do not want you to feel bad. If you seriously think that this could help… if it will help you to trust me… you can see." Fresh tears had formed in Alec's dead blue eyes, and Magnus felt his blood run cold. Maybe his curiosity… his need to know what his lover had been forced to witness was verging on obsession. He had pushed it too far too quickly. "I would tell you myself, Magnus, I would, but I can't… I just can't. Brother Eli…"

_Done, _came the voice of Brother Eli. Did Brother Eli feel bad for Alec? He must have, for he seemed to dislike Magnus immensely. His next words were intended for Magnus alone. _I hope you are glad, warlock, to see a boy plagued by waves of insanity cry into your hands because you think you can meddle with his mind and twist him so that he does your bidding. I hope are sincerely chuffed to know exactly how much he blindly loves you. He would lay down his life for you, you who seek to play with his. You are all he thinks about. To please you, and to scold himself for his wrongs against you. I know it wasn't like this before, but you have to accept that you are his lifeline, and there are things you have to learn or let go. This incident would have been one of the latter._

Magnus knew he deserved that. More than deserved it, actually. Alec was hurting all over again, and all because he wanted to know. What was more horrifying for the warlock was that he couldn't bring himself to regret his actions. Even though he felt terrible… he would have done the same thing over. _It is too late now, though, isn't it? _Replied Magnus, lightly holding Alec as he gazed at the Silent Brother.

_Yes, warlock, it is_.

Without warning, Brother Eli sent the images of Alec's nightmares spiralling into Magnus's mind. Being presented with someone else's memories is like nothing else. You live them, the way the person before you had, but in the blink of the eye.

In a single instant, Magnus was able to stare into the face of the monster Alec had feared so much with the feeling of terror. He was able to witness the deed Alec had been forced to visualise himself committing as this Dark Magnus turned from loving to savage in a single moment. How he himself had sucked the life from Alec, as he forced Alec to beg for it to be taken.

As though he had any right to take it.

And he could feel what Alec could feel. The initial joy and fondness… the snap from light to dark… the fear… and the worst; hopelessness.

Did Alec truly believe that he would do such a thing? That he would simply turn on him without warning and tear his life away? To have been asked to beg… Magnus felt beyond ill.

Silence engulfed the three figures as the sun almost seemed to settle in the sky.

"A-Alec-c?" Magnus's voice was shaky as he looked up to see Alec's still wobbly figure standing by the window as though enjoying the sight of the early sun. Magnus didn't know why he said his lover's name, nor what his question was, but he found himself repeating it. "Alec?"

Alec turned to face him. Maybe he looked a little less distressed, upon having bared his pain to Magnus, or maybe he had just lost some of his fight. "You saw, didn't you? How pathetic I was? How I had to twist the most wonderful thing in my life into a monster? How weak I was… But it was true. I would have begged to be killed rather than live, knowing that you hate me-"

"No you wouldn't… Alec, I know you wouldn't…"

At some point, Brother Eli had strolled out the door, his last words barely sinking in as Magnus looked into Alec's eyes.

_I hope you are happy._

But looking at Alec's distraught, betrayed face, Magnus knew that he couldn't possibly deserve happiness. Not now.

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**Thank you for reading this for as stunningly long as you all have. Please, please review. Reviews contribute to a certain per cent of my happiness (I will not disclose the number, as it makes me seem a tad pathetic).**

**Also, if you have questions, just ask (anonymous or signed, I will do my best to answer either).**

**Thank you all so much.**

**Teaser**

**Important: You may have noticed that last chapter's teaser did not come true this chapter. It will, just next chapter (I had to subdivide this chapter). Because of my horribleness, I present you all not only with an apology, but another teaser.**

"_**My, my, Alec, who taught you to kiss like that?" Alec was colouring red, which sometimes felt like Magnus's sole goal in life.**_

"_**You," replied Alec, grudgingly.**_

"_**And who is the luckiest man in the world, to be able to have you on their arm?" Magnus cocked an eyebrow playfully, and smirked when Alec's face turned calculating and thoughtful.**_

"_**Hey, that isn't fair… there isn't a right answer," said Alec mildly.**_

"_**Oh?" Magnus pursed his lips.**_

"_**You get to have me on your arm, but that doesn't make you in any way lucky…" Magnus's smile slipped in an instant. "Sorry." **_


	22. Better You

**Hey.**

**I believe this update is relatively fast. This is probably because I have had the next chapter half-finished for about a month. Originally it was going to be immediately after the library scene, but I changed it. I think it will fit better now.**

**This chapter is quite important, and was difficult to write, so **_**please **_**review.**

**Random Fact Number 349: More than a third of the time, Icelanders don't show up for work, which could account for why research also shows that Iceland is the world's happiest nation.**

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Many people often wonder, in the depths of their despair, how one can possibly be expected to face their fears, when such a fear is the child of love and betrayal. Magnus did not have time to do any such thinking, bearing witness to said child as it spoke before his very eyes, his sanity tarnished and his heart manipulated. Magnus stood by in shame.

And all of the blame seemed to fall onto Alec, for the boy still looked at him with a love he could never deserve.

"I used to be better, Magnus. I was never brilliant, but I was damn better than this." Alec looked at his scarred arm with contempt. "I was never confident, or brave, or particularly intelligent, but I was better than _this_. What have I even become, Magnus? It… this thing…" Alec was taking deep breaths, and all Magnus could think was 'I wish I hadn't made him show me'. "Magnus, I am getting all bent out of shape, okay." There was no hesitation this time, and it frightened the warlock. "I am being changed, and I can feel it. I know you can too. I need you… I need you to tell me when I do something wrong, so that I stop changing, alright? I need you to watch me, and make sure that you tell me when I do the wrong thing."

Alec seemed resolved, but it wasn't sitting right with Magnus.

"Alec, you aren't a pet. You can't just have me spray you with water when you do something strange or out of character. You are a human, and what you do… Alec, the things you do and feel just can't be pushed aside as 'wrong'-"

"Yes they can!" Alec was still breathing deeply as he walked over to Magnus, who was still replaying the images of what his own image had done to Alec in the night. "I will listen to you, Magnus. If _you _tell me what I am doing the wrong-"

"You are not doing anything wrong!" Magnus's voice had risen, but it was too late to snatch the sound from the air.

"Yes I am!" Alec's voice was a shout coloured with agony. "This is what it does… this demon thing. It shows you things… it makes you do things, and you are never sure where you stand. You can't help thinking 'Would I have done that? Was that really me? I would have, wouldn't I?' When I was in that dream, just watching myself on the ground, writhing in pain… I had no idea if I would have fought you. Ha!" Alec laughed, a terrible smile on his lips. "But I wanted to scream at me 'Stop fighting him. If you keep defying him, he might not love you. He might spare you, and if he doesn't, you do not deserve to be spared'-"

"Enough," growled Magnus. He knew the scene, knew Alec's feelings. He could not stand to have the boy say them. Not now.

"And when you wake up from the trance, it is like nothing you could ever imagine," continued Alec. "What you were feeling, or rather what the demon was feeling for you, is taken away. You have to stand, humiliated, wondering why you thought, or said, or did such a thing. It gives you images that aren't your own, and forces you to turn them over in your mind. Everything it does to me… it is becoming a part of me, Magnus. It is all becoming part of the elusive 'Alec Lightwood', replacing bits and pieces of what I was. This is how it torments its victims to the point of insanity. Apparently I am safe… it does not have enough time to play with me properly. Usually the process is a lot longer, but because I lost so much blood…" Alec shrugged. "I wish I had lost more. When the Silent Brothers told me about my 'blessing in disguise', I asked them to take more blood – to drain me of as much of it as they could – but it had already been mixed with new stuff, so the concentration of demon venom in my blood had spread through my body again with a weaker concentration, making it pointless."

Magnus stared blankly at Alec. He had not expected this to be so bad. Magnus picked himself off of Alec's bed to stand behind Alec, his arms wrapping themselves around the boy's waist as he stooped to rest his head on Alec's shoulder. He had not his noticed his own tears begin to fall as Alec tensed at his presence beside him.

"You have no idea what you are gonna do with me, do you?" Alec had turned, and he was looking him in the eye. Magnus imagined that his eyes had become puffy and ugly, but Alec still gazed at him as though he was beautiful. He felt worn out and tired. "Tell you what, Magnus; you can leave, 'kay? You do not have to stay here. It is fine if you leave." Alec's voice was so gentle, and Magnus realised that he was trying to comfort him.

"Why would I leave you like this? What good could that achieve?" Magnus paused, though not long enough for Alec to reply. "I have been told that my presence helps you… that it comforts you. Maybe… maybe I might even be able to snap you out of the trances occasionally and…" Alec was looking at him all wrong, but the Sensor was dormant. "What is it?"

"They did not tell you, did they… what they told me?" Alec was rigid again in his arms, but Magnus felt him place a hand on his own which rested on his chest, gesturing for the embrace to last.

"What?" Magnus did not know how he could still stand. After everything that had happened that day, it all felt like too much. What more cruel injustice was to be placed unto Alec?

"Do you remember when Brother Eli told you that when I have these… 'crazy attacks', I exude demonic energy?" Alec was mumbling, and his grasp was slightly tighter on Magnus's hand. Magnus was still behind him, and neither boy could see the other's eyes. Alec continued, "Well, that is a good thing. The more demon energy I exude, the less I have in my system… which is… which is a good thing…" Alec's voice broke. Magnus quickly turned Alec to face him, bending in closer to him and trying to hold back tears.

"Alec, what is it?"

Alec quickly swallowed. "The more I lose, the quicker I g-get better, which is _good_." Alec's throat was tightening. "So the more I slip into these trances, and the longer I stay in them… and it is good, Magnus… it is good."

Magnus looked at Alec with a dazed expression, before he was able to decipher Alec's meaning.

"If you think that I am going to let you… let you _purposely _slip into one of these… these _things_, you are mistaken, Alexander! I do not care if it makes the process quicker, I cannot see you like that-"

To Magnus's surprise, Alec burst out of his grip, face contorted.

"You do not understand, okay? I _have _to do this. I don't have a choice." Magnus had upset Alec yet again, without even meaning to.

"Alec, you _do _have a choice. Just because this thing would be over more quickly if you leave it to take over doesn't mean that it is the best option. If there are more attacks, but with all of them over quite quickly, you won't fall as deeply under its control. Don't you see-"

"It is learning, Magnus."

Magnus fell silent, an array of thoughts stirred up in his mind. It was venom… how could it learn?

"Alec, how could it be learning?"

"I think… I mean, I am almost certain…" Alec struggled for words, before pausing to arrange his thoughts. "At first, the demon… or the venom of Servus Deminutio, just sent me emotions. When you broke up with me, it saw how upset I was, and it just exaggerated my own feelings. When I was with Simon, all it had to do was conjure an image of you telling me how I had disappointed you. It started out easy enough I suppose; exaggerate his hurt and make him face the man who hates him. But it is getting cleverer… or at least learning where to stick the knife.

"When I woke up and came to visit you, it caused a change in my behavioural patterns, making me do things and say things it knew I would regret, and that dream… I think it is learning what it means to be me, and trying to unravel it. If I prolong this, it will only keep learning and hit me harder later." Alec wasn't angry anymore. Of course, Alec had been more upset than angry in the first place.

"So let me get this straight," sighed Magnus. It felt like he had been awake for hours. He had never been so exhausted. "You want me to watch you go through bouts of hell, _without _interruption, so that I can catch you when you get back to reality because if I do stop it from hurting you, it will hurt you even more later?"

Alec frowned, as though Magnus had completely missed the point. "No. Of course not. I distinctly recall telling you that you can leave so that you do not have to watch. You could leave, if you want to… I mean, you do not sound like you want to stay… Well, you could leave, until I get better. And then… if I still show symptoms of being 'Alec', maybe you could see me…?"

"Do _you _want me to leave?" asked Magnus. Alec was trying to be sensible… trying to be grown up when he was scarcely an adult, and an ill one at that. He was doing a commendable job, but he was still a child, and many of the things he was saying seemed to clash. Had Alec not told him to stick by him and tell him when he was acting 'wrong'? Yet now he was telling him to leave. "Because it doesn't sound like it."

Alec looked hesitant and suddenly very child-like and guilty. It was not like before, when Alec had been on the ground in front of Magnus in the library, but of his own accord. "That is not what this is about, Magnus. It does not matter what I want. I want this to end. I want to die and-"

"No you don't!" Magnus did not know if he truly believed this, or whether it was simple wishful thinking.

"Only because you tell me to live." Alec sighed. "I am sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up again. You are right. If there are still people who care, then I probably should just stick this thing out."

"You still haven't answered my question, Lightwood. Do _you _want me to stay," Magnus inched closer to Alec, "or go?"

Alec chewed his lip. He always seemed to fidget when he got nervous. "If it matters… I would do the selfish thing. I want to keep you, Magnus, with me always. Of course I would rather have you by my side as I faced hell's wrath, but-"

"But what?" There was no 'but'. Not to Magnus. The warlock had never had any intention of leaving. "Did you seriously think that I would willingly leave you alone in the dark? That I would walk away from the person I love the most in the world, unless that was what they honestly wanted me to do?" Magnus paused, noticing that Alec was looking away, as though embarrassed. "Alec." The boy looked up. "I want to do whatever I can for you, and had wanted me to leave, I would have left." Magnus stepped towards the boy. "If you had have told me that you never wanted to see me again, I would only ever have watched you from a distance." Another step. Now they were just centimetres away. Magnus still noticed how Alec's breath went uneven whenever they were this close together. The warlock slowly leaned in to Alec's ear, before whispering, "But I am _so _glad you let me stay."

Sometimes Magnus imagined he could hear Alec's heart, beating in the silence. He knew that it was his own; slower and more steady, but he wished he could hear Alec's. Did it sing his name, the way the warlock's sang Alec's?

Magnus pulled Alec up a little, tilting his face just a fraction, before allowing their lips to meet. Alec's eyes fluttered, and Magnus wondered if it still surprised him that he had the potential to _be _kissed. It was strange to think that Alec's first kiss had been stolen from him by the very same man who swore to love him for what was to be a very long life. Magnus loved that kiss, the way Alec had melted in his very hands, the way his face expressed that the feelings aroused in that moment had never been elicited before.

Sometimes Magnus felt almost ashamed, though, thinking about the way he had been feeling at the time. When Alexander had told him that he had never been kissed… he could not have been more pleased. It meant that no other boy had a claim on him, and that he could be the first. Magnus had told himself, at the time, that the only reason he had kissed Alec that day was so that the eighteen year old gained a well over due lesson. _Of course_ he had not secretly wanted Alec to keep coming back for more until he fell in love with him, and he _definitely _did not want to make sure that the kiss he shared with Alec would be stained in the shadowhunter's mind forever, regardless of their relationship's outcome. He was glad that their relationship had remained intact. Knowing that his little stunt held meaning because of it made their first kiss almost guiltless.

They must have kissed a thousand times since then. It did not feel like it; it never _felt _like it, but it must have been around there. Magnus could get drunk on the taste of Alec's lips. They were soft, but not at all feminine. They were somehow masculine, yet sensitive and delicate at the same time. Magnus Bane had never loved a man more than he loved Alec.

It was strange that Magnus had wanted someone like Alec. To have never been kissed… it was a much bigger deal to Magnus than it would have been to almost anyone else. He was immortal. He had been kissed in what seemed his infancy, he had made love as little more than a child. His history had painted the canvas of his soul a messy array of colours, some beautiful and pure, others murky and dark. Alec… Alec was a blank canvas. Usually immortals went for their own kind, or someone with enough knowledge and experience to pass, but Alec had an attraction of no other…

Sometimes Magnus refused to think such thoughts, and denied that the idea that Alec being so pure and innocent had intrigued him from day one. Sometimes he pretended that it was more an obstacle than a pleasure to love someone so ignorant of the ways of the world, but his very innocence had only further plunged love's sweet arrow into his slow beating heat.

In an instant… it couldn't have been more than a few minutes that fateful day Alec had come knocking at his door, Magnus had put his claim on the young shadowhunter, a mark on Alexander's soul which clearly states 'He will be mine'. The first mark…

Magnus knew it had been a conscious decision, to give Alec his first kiss. He also knew that he shouldn't have. He _should _have let him be deflowered by some other man, until it wouldn't matter so much, but he had wanted to be his first kiss. He wanted to get there before someone else could, because he was good for Alec, wasn't he? He would be better than most others… but not recently. If his old self could see him now… see the strife he had inflicted on Alec, would he have left Alec unclaimed? Of course, Magnus already knew the answer…

Magnus closed his eyes, thinking of the way Alec had been so shy the first time he had tasted his lips. The shyness was still there, more so with Alec's predicament, but there was experience as well, and a passion Alexander seemed afraid to unleash. Gradually, Magnus pulled away, glancing at Alec and attempting a grin.

"My, my, Alec, who taught you to kiss like that?" Alec was colouring red, which sometimes felt like Magnus's sole goal in life.

"You," replied Alec, grudgingly.

"And who is the luckiest man in the world, to be able to have you on their arm?" Magnus cocked an eyebrow playfully, and smirked when Alec's face turned calculating and thoughtful.

"Hey, that isn't fair… there isn't a right answer," said Alec mildly.

"Oh?" Magnus pursed his lips.

"You get to have me on your arm, but that doesn't make you in any way lucky…" Magnus's smile slipped in an instant. "Sorry."

Magnus looked Alec dead in the eyes "Why…?"

"I just… I did something wrong, didn't I? Something that I shouldn't do." Alec had managed to misinterpret his question. "The correct answer was you, right? Because you… because you love me?"

Alec sounded thoroughly unsure. Had he been on a game show, this would have been the part where he phoned a friend.

"Yes…" replied Magnus, the word drawn out. How was he supposed to react? He didn't know what Alec wanted him to do… it could have been an innocent mistake; sometimes Alec had said similar things when he felt particularly insecure… but still. "Because I am _so _proud of you, Alec. I am _so _proud of everything about you, and the fact that you are willing to be mine is the most marvellous miracle I have faced in centuries. That is why I am the luckiest person alive."

"You say these things… like you mean them…" Alec backed away, before plopping onto the bed. "You talk like you are centuries old… but you say these things that cannot be true." Alec was mumbling, like he hated to say these things, but had no other choice. "When I asked you out, the first time, I _knew _that you had probably fallen in love a thousand times, that I would be nothing. It always amazed me how warlocks can bear eternity when they face the loss of loved ones… soul mates gone by… everything after them must just get redundant…"

Alec's beautiful blue eyes avoided Magnus's frantic ones. Magnus was finding it difficult to read him. He seemed confused, and upset… and hurt. But this was old hurt, and it was resurfacing because of him.

"You say you love me, but I know I am just a stand in… someone to fill in the time." Alec grimaced. "No, you told me you love me… so maybe you do, but there were people before me who meant far more to you than I ever could… and I understand that, but-"

"Alec, I mean everything I say to you. I do not lie to make you feel special; every praise, every petty compliment directed at you is completely deserved. Maybe you do not see it, but I do." Magnus spoke firmly, wondering how he could still speak at all. After everything, things still refused to fall into place.

"I told you that I understand, Magnus. This is not an accusation… just a plea for you to choose your words more carefully." Alec was using his overly rational voice, and it did not seem to sit quite right on the teen.

"Alec, do not do this to yourself. I love you, more than anything, and-"

"I cannot be your eternity, Magnus!" It was not a shout that escaped the lips of the young Alexander Lightwood, but his voice seemed amplified in contrast to his previous mumbles. His hurt blue eyes locked into Magnus's. "You can pretend that squeezing a couple more years out of me is a viable option, but we both know that is not true! You were right, when you broke up with me. It is not enough to be your temporary bed partner – not even – for several decades if fortune smiles upon my filthy soul. You pretend that we can just hope our way out of this, but I cannot be what you need."

Alec's breaths were slowing. If Magnus possessed any intelligence, he would have interjected at this point, but he was lost for words. Alec lowered his face into his palms.

"But you love me," he spoke between his fingers. "You love me, and I love you, but this is all wrong, and I don't know what to do. I won't become a vampire, Magnus. I promise I won't. I am okay to be just a phase of your life, I just wish I could fix this."

_It is fixed! _Magnus felt like screaming. All of Alec's problems were fixed, and he had no idea. And couldn't even tell him…

"You aren't a phase, Alexander. You are not just someone with whom I fill time with. You truly are the best-"

"Tell me I am an idiot, Magnus."

"What?"

Alec paused, looking at Magnus through his fingers. "Tell me that I am acting like a fool. Tell me to snap out of it. Tell me that I am doing the wrong thing, and to fix it because it bothers you, like I asked you to."

Magnus looked at him, horrified. "No, Alec… you cannot dismiss the way you feel."

"But you can, and I asked you to. Help me to be better. Don't you want me to feel better?"

There was a note of desperation, as though Alec felt that the only way for him to get better was for Magnus shove him in the right direction. Magnus sighed, knowing that what he was about to do could not possibly help in any way, but knowing that it might sooth Alec just a little. After everything he had put him through, it was little to give back.

"Alec, you are doing the wrong thing, and I need you to stop." Alec's head shot out of his hands, eyes showing relief. Nodding, Alec prodded him to continue, and Magnus could practically feel bile rising in his stomach. He almost choked on the next words. "You are being an i-idiot… and making a fool of yourself, and I need you to snap out of it."

Standing up from the bed, Alec approached Magnus. For a moment, Magnus thought the boy was going to embrace him, or even cry. He did not, however, expect the boy to collapse onto his knees before his feet.

"I am sorry Magnus, for upsetting you. I swear to try harder to be what you want, need and desire. I promise to try no less than my best to be 'right'."

Right.

Magnus wondered how many times Alec had just wanted to be 'right'. 'Right' should imply anything that is compatible with being oneself, but Alec's version of right seemed to be akin to flawless. Magnus knew that Alec's version of right could probably be used in reference to anyone aside from the boy before him.

Even with his dark past and horrible moods, Jace was right.

Even with her ignorance and immaturity, Isabelle was right.

Even with his continuing failure and uncertainty, Magnus was right…

"Oh, Alec… I am so sorry-"

"If you believe me, just tell me that you forgive me for my wrongs, and will allow me the chance to redeem myself for all that I have done."

"This is ridiculous, Alexander. You've done nothing-"

"Please," begged Alexander, his voice ragged and torn, "I know you do not understand, but I need this. I need to know that you will not allow me to become a being of repulsion. I need to know that you will correct my faults, and mend my soul before I relinquish my sanity. Even if you think it is silly, please understand that it would help me. And if you believe my words, forgive me."

"Alec, I know that you meant what you said-"

"But I wasn't meant to say it, Magnus. I would never have said such things before – I would have stopped myself from thinking them – so it needs to be corrected. _Please_." Alec was still on his knees as Magnus sighed the sigh of men centuries older than him.

"I forgive you Alec, for everything and anything you do. I swear to give you another chance." _Not that you need it._

Alec's face was hidden as his head hung. Crouching a little, Magnus went to tilt Alec's chin up, not expecting to see the enormous grin on Alexander's face.

"Thank you Magnus." Alec rose to stand, his smile looking not just happy, but insanely ecstatic. "Oh God, Magnus, thank you so much. I will avoid letting you down again, I promise."

Magnus, not knowing what else to do, stroked the side of Alec's face. Suddenly, the grin slipped to a sheepish smile.

"Alec, what is-"

"Can I…" Alec trailed off, his eyes seemingly focused on Magnus's mouth. "Can I kiss you, please?"

At that, Magnus couldn't help but smile. Alec had often done that… the whole 'asking permission' thing. As time had gone on, the boy had gotten into the spirit of just sensing when it was okay. Maybe he had just realised that there were very few circumstances in which it would not be okay, but Magnus almost missed being asked.

"Have I ever said no before?" inquired the warlock. Magnus's smirk was a ghost of what it once had been. Everything that had happened… he felt mentally and physically exhausted. If it were down to him, he would sleep the hays away until Alec recovered, but that would never be fair.

Alec smiled at his words. It wasn't a happy smile per say, but it was better than a frown. Magnus missed Alec's smiles.

"No, I suppose you haven't." With that, Alec stood on his tippy toes and placed an innocent kiss on Magnus's lips. It was fleeting, and damaged, but it was there.

And maybe neither of them were happy, not quite.

And maybe both of them knew that it was only a matter of time before Alec did something horrible and beyond his control, but there was something in their eyes as they held each other before the morning sun as it streamed into the shadowhunter's hideous room.

Maybe it was too early to say, but it looked a little bit like hope.

And Magnus knew, in that moment, that he would not have given Alec up, even if he could have foreseen this. He could fix this – he would – but he could not fix a world without Alexander Lightwood.

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**I hope you guys liked it.**

**Please, please review. Last chapter was not the worst I have written, but it got the least reviews. I was very sad.**

**Teaser: (if you review, you can have an extra teaser… just saying…)**

'_Alec looks like a male version of me. He isn't any less attractive.' Isabelle had been frowning, and Magnus had been a little impressed. He knew that not everyone saw how alike Alec and Isabelle looked. They could not see past the fact that Isabelle was by all definition 'hot', while Alec was… something else. No better or worse, but definitely different._

'_Are you joking?' asked Alec, lifting an eyebrow. 'You look like you just had breakfast at Tiffany's… well, maybe not like you actually ate any, but like you watched a very attractive boy eat breakfast at Tiffany's while on a date…' It was funny. Even though Alec hadn't actually been Alec, he had been equally awkward. 'At any rate, you are beautiful, and Alec isn't. You make yourself stunning, I know, but underneath everything you wear, you are naturally wonderful too. He knows that he isn't, and no amount of expensive clothes are going to do the job, so he just does everything the convenient way. He can cut his own hair and wear the same clothes to death because it doesn't make a difference.'_


	23. Nursing You

**Hey.**

**Sorry for the slow update. My laptop was in IT/computer hospital. **

**Hmm… This chapter is interesting. It is, I suppose, an interlude. This signifies the beginning of a very slow end. This is sort of setting up the final part of the story. Next chapter **_**really **_**heats things up, I swear. Proof of this is that I wrote half of it during a detention, so you know it's gotta be good.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviews, story alerts etc., etc.. It is like applause for an author, music to my ears. I hope I do you all proud.**

**Random Fact No. 33423894: Some butterflies have eyes on their genitals to aid the reproduction process. **

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Alec was magnificent. He always was. He always would be, but something was off when he slept now, and Magnus didn't like it at all. He had to be put to sleep by the warlock most nights, now, or have one of his siblings draw a sleeping rune on him, but sometimes they wore off before the night was over, which usually ended badly.

It had only been a few days since the events in the library, but it felt to Magnus like a world of change. Everything was different now. It was all old, yet somehow new to him. Sometimes he wished it would just fall away, to reveal a world where Alec acted himself, rather than the scared boy he had become. Alec would always be Alec, always the boy who deserved Magnus's every affection, but there were changes in him which were obvious. For starters, suddenly Alexander Lightwood was obedient.

It had been a strange concept to grasp, but it had been evident after spending only a few hours with the boy. If Magnus wanted something, Alec tried his best to make it happen as soon as possible, and even took to asking the warlock if _he _was okay, and if _he _wanted anything. Magnus had almost wondered if Alec had forgotten that he was a warlock, and could make his every whim become reality with the snap of his fingers.

No, Alec was different to the way he had been, but he would be okay. Probably.

The Silent Brothers hadn't left much to the imagination. Nothing at all, really. They had explained everything, even though he wished they hadn't. And now he couldn't help but wish, not for the first time in his life, that he could speed up time.

Alec began to stir, just as he knew he would. He had been sending him to sleep for twelve hour periods at night since the incident in the library, and three hours after 'incidents'.

"Hey Magnus," said Alec, seeming tired, even after his long slumber. Magnus would have made it longer, had the choice been given to him, but Alec refused to sleep more than half the day away, even if it might have taken away some of the pain. Magnus could have easily convinced him to see things from his perspective, but he didn't want to win yet another argument against Alec simply because the boy was too afraid to say a word against him. Of course, Magnus was merely procrastinating with this; the demon poison would still attack him a certain amount of times, but still… it seemed harder to watch every time.

"Good morning, beautiful." Magnus attempted to make his voice light, but he couldn't quite do it.

They were laying in Alec's old room at the Institute, which was a severe change of scenery for Magnus. Alec hadn't been allowed to live with Magnus at his apartment, and Magnus would not have wanted to leave Alec's side again, so they shared the room.

It was a strange room. It wasn't like Jace's, with its excessive cleanliness, making it seem spacious. It was genuinely… empty. It shouldn't have been like that. He had had this room since he was a child. There should have been posters and paintings and… anything to show that Alexander Lightwood had lived a life, but there was nothing. There was the desk Alec had spoken of, which looked completely ordinary from a distance, a wardrobe, a double bed and some cupboards. The walls seemed to have not been painted since he had moved in, matching all of the other unoccupied rooms in the Institute, though Magnus had been proved wrong in that assumption. He had asked the boy why he hadn't painted them, only to be told that he had painted them when he was eight, a light blue colour, but had painted over it a few years later to 'match the colour scheme'.

It hadn't taken Magnus long to realise that Alec's room contained more than he had first thought.

When Magnus had looked through Alec's cupboards, he had been surprised to find collections of birthday cards, old paintings Alec had made under Hodge's tuition and signs of a hidden personality. The first day Magnus had moved into the small room, he had badgered Alec to hang some of the paintings. They weren't like Clary's drawings, but they paid a great attention to detail. When Magnus had asked why, Alec had responded 'So that you see something different every time you look.'

It was certainly a true statement. Alec had painted an image of his family, when he had been sixteen. It was a curious picture, and a lot could be learnt about Alec's thought process by simply looking at it.

Izzy, who had been fourteen at the time, was pouting slightly, adorned in teenage-esque clothes. She looked slightly bratish, but there was an obvious affection for her from the artist.

His parents looked stern, and had been painted in greys and muted colours, as though Alec had been too frightened to paint them brightly. Max stood in their shadow, playing with something between his fingers.

And then there was Jace.

Jace was painted with a gold sheen, and looked almost godly. Magnus might have felt jealous of the golden-boy, but then he had seen that Alec had painted himself in the picture, and had noticed that he had painted himself a little bit apart from the others. He was wearing the meek smile he wore when he knew he was meant to look happy, but the realness wasn't there. Had this been Jace's or Isabelle's work, Magnus would have assumed that the distance between Alec and the others was accidental. The first time he had seen the image, he had thought– wished –that it had been an error.

But this was Alec, and he had done it on purpose.

Magnus would look at that picture all the time, each time noticing something he hadn't seen before.

The toy soldier Max twirled in his fingers.

The way Maryse faced slightly away from Robert.

The way Isabelle seemed to be beside Alec, as though she wanted to be there for him, but not so close as to show it.

The way Jace had been painted in the middle.

Magnus was snapped awake from his recollections with the realisation that Alec was frowning at him.

"If you keep looking like that, Alec, you will give yourself wrinkles." Magnus smiled affectionately at his beloved, but found some of the cheerfulness sapped away when Alec's face became blank. Magnus had grown used to seeing his blank expressions, though they still frustrated him. But it wasn't just that… it was the fact that Alec had done exactly what he had been told _immediately_.

"Alec, I told you, you don't have to do everything I tell you."

"I'm sorry," said Alec, automatically. Magnus sighed, his eye looking downcast. "You can leave, if you want to. The Silent Brothers said it would take a while. I can't excuse the way I am acting-"

"Alec, there isn't anything wrong-"

"Yes there is!" Alec's voice was blunt, and almost dead, but there was a splash of distress. "Do you really think I can't tell that I am acting completely stupid? I know I am so damn insecure, but I can't help it. When I am with you, I just want to make sure that I don't lose you again. When I see you, I just want to please you. I would do anything Magnus, I hope you know that now."

Magnus felt shivers run through his body. He most definitely knew _that_.

"Alec, that dream… it wasn't reality. You wouldn't have really-"

"Yes Magnus, I would."

And both of them remained silent for a moment, remembering the evening they had first slept together after the meeting in the library.

"It doesn't matter now, Alec." It must have been a week since Magnus had found Alexander in the warlock's den. They had almost fallen into a routine, Magnus supposed.

Every morning Alec's mother had arranged a family breakfast in the Sanctuary. At first the warlock had thought that she had based the location on Simon's needs, before being told that they were using it for 'privacy' reasons. Apparently Alec's condition and attempt on his life were being kept _very _hush hush. Magnus had felt a tad angry at this notion, that Alec's own parents would keep him hidden away like that, but he knew it to be for Alec's own good.

At these breakfasts, Alec tended to have a demon induced fit of… something. Brother Eli, the only Silent Brother who had decided to stay at the Institute to look after Alec, had deemed this a 'good' thing. Apparently having these irrational occurrences regulated would be good for Alec, but it seemed to be giving Alec a fear of breakfast.

Magnus helped Alec off the bed and looked away as the shadowhunter got changed.

"I wish I didn't have to do this…" Alec mumbled into his sweater as he pulled it over his head. "Every single time, it does something. Just remember, if I start doing something horribly embarrassing again, just ignore my whole 'let it play out and I will get better' thing and gag me."

Usually Magnus would have laughed, but he had seen exactly what the demon liked to make Alec do. Alec had been right when he said it was learning.

It had filled Alec with a pain unimaginable, once. No one had dared try and stop it under both Alec's and the Brother Eli's orders, but in the end Alec's own body could not take the pain, and he had fainted. Another time, the demon had made Alec imagine that he was extremely warm. Magnus had walked in on Alec lying naked on the bathroom floor with the air conditioner on, sobbing as he 'burned'. His whole body had been shivering, and every time Magnus tried to touch him, his crying grew louder.

But no, none of those things made Alec particularly upset. The _embarrassing_ thing which he had been referring to had happened two days ago, at breakfast.

Alec had positioned himself beside Simon and Magnus, and across from his siblings and Clary, with his parents on either end of the table. At some point, the demon venom had taken over him, and he forgotten that he was Alexander Lightwood.

It had certainly been an interesting turn of events, and at first Magnus thought that it wouldn't be so bad. The demon had made him forget that he was Alec, but he had still known everything about himself, and had decided to tell everyone _everything_. It had been alright until his siblings had tried to lighten the mood by asking him about Alec's feelings for them both.

'What does Alec think of me?' Isabelle had asked, visibly putting in an effort to avoid reaching over and shaking Alec until he came back to himself. The Silent Brothers had instructed everyone to avoid doing anything that might awake Alec.

'He thinks that you are highly remarkable, just like everyone else.' Alec spoke this statement as though it was one of the most obvious things in the world. 'He loves you, regardless of these things, but he is also exceedingly proud of you. While it is not unusual for there to be very impressive female shadowhunters in this day and age, he is astounded by your natural abilities.' Alec, who wasn't really Alec, had frowned. 'It is strange, actually. Even though you are more attractive, more desired and a better shadowhunter altogether, he doesn't feel very jealous. I mean, he does a little, but his pride far outweighs any envy.'

'Alec looks like a male version of me. He isn't any less _attractive_.' Isabelle had been frowning, and Magnus had been a little impressed. He knew that not everyone saw how alike Alec and Isabelle looked. They could not see past the fact that Isabelle was, by all definition 'hot', while Alec was… something else. No better or worse, but definitely different.

'Are you joking?' asked Alec, lifting an eyebrow. 'You look like you just had breakfast at Tiffany's… well, maybe not like you actually ate any, but like you watched a very attractive boy eat breakfast at Tiffany's while on a date…' It was funny. Even though Alec hadn't actually been Alec, he had been equally awkward. 'At any rate, you are beautiful, and Alec isn't. You make yourself stunning, I know, but underneath everything you wear, you are naturally wonderful too. He knows that he isn't, and no amount of expensive clothes are going to do the job, so he just does everything the convenient way. He can cut his own hair and wear the same clothes to death because it doesn't make a difference.'

There had been silence for a long while after that, though Alec had not been affected at the time. After all, he wasn't even Alec… or maybe he was just more Alec than anyone was used to. The boy who had sat before them that day had been brutally honest, but only in regards to Alec's own faults. It wasn't as though Isabelle was flawless.

'You are right, I suppose,' Magnus had supplied, trying to sound casual. He had received daggers from around the table until he continued. 'It does not matter what Alexander wears, he is still positively radiant.'

At that statement, Isabelle had looked as though she might hand Magnus a 'Boyfriend of the Year' trophy. Alec had snorted in response, but let it rest at that. Perhaps he could remember that Magnus was a _very _protective boyfriend.

'What does Alec think of me?' Jace had asked. He had been smiling, but it had been terribly fake.

'Hmm…' Alec had thought, cocking his head to the side. 'He loves you. Not like he used to, for the past six years, but like he loves Isabelle. He used to be pathetic, you know. He used to dream that one day you would be his knight in shining armour, like you were for everyone else, but you never really cared about charming _him_, did you.' At Jace's expression, Alec had continued. 'Oh, do not worry. I do not know why anyone would feel a particular desire to charm _that _boy. He isn't really special. Not like you or Clary, but he knows that. He is happy for you both, if it helps.'

And somehow, foolishly, Magnus had thought he could make it better.

'I love Alec. He is special to me.'

At this, Alec had smirked. 'And no one can figure out why. Alec knows he does not deserve you, either. But if it helps, he loves you more than he used to love Jace. But he doesn't know why you still stand by him.'

Magnus had been a little stunned at that comment. 'He has done nothing wrong.'

'Are you kidding?' Alec threw his head back and laughed. 'That kid is pscho. He is practically going crazy and has become prone to doing extraordinarily stupid things which he brought upon himself. I do not see how you can even stand him.'

Needless to say, Alec had been extremely distraught when he did wake up, and had made everyone promise to wake him up if he did something on the same level of humiliating again. Magnus had tried to console him, but he wouldn't have any of it. Apparently he could burn and scream in agony, but the moment he spoke such words, he was to be forced awake by whatever means necessary.

"Alec. No one thinks any less of you because of this… illness. We all know that it isn't your fault, so stop letting it get to you. You will get back to normal, I swear." Magnus had grown to treasure moments like these. Even if Alec still wasn't the way he once had been, he wasn't being possessed.

"Exactly. And when I am normal again, I do not want to be plunged into a world I have screwed up for myself. I do not want everyone to have these distasteful memories of me being an idiot-"

"Stop speaking like that!" And then Alec froze, just like Magnus should have known he would. _When I am with you, I just want to make sure that I don't lose you again. When I see you, I just want to please you. I would do anything Magnus, I hope you know that now._ Magnus had never felt so insufficient to one's needs as he did when dealing with Alec. He should be able to predict his irregular behaviour, and recognise the appropriate responses to give the teen, rather than flailing the way he had been for the past week.

And the worst part… the _very _worst part was that he could not help Alec out of this. His lover had to go through all of this alone. He could send him asleep at night, only to have his nightmares realised in the light of day. He could react to Alexander's increasingly horrific attacks of madness, but he could not protect him. He could do little more than sit idly by as Alec was harassed in the worst of ways on more than a daily basis.

_And it hurt more than he thought he could handle…_

"Come on gorgeous, we do not want to be late to breakfast."

_To do absolutely…_

"I wish I didn't have to do this…" Alec repeated pointlessly as they made their way to the Sanctuary.

_Positively…_

"Maybe it won't be as bad this time…" Magnus knew he had probably just lied, and that it wouldn't make anything better.

_Nothing._

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**Poor Magnus… he is becoming sort of useless.**

**Now, there is an important matter I need to discuss here, and that is intimacy. I sort of want to know your views on it in terms of Magnus and Alec's relationship.**

**The next chapter is pretty heated (more so than anything else I have written), which may take this story up to an 'M' rating. Just warning you in case. Obviously if you are still reading this, you are probably happy with emotional development (yay!), but there may be some **_**minor**_** to major sexual development in the next chapters, and I really want to know if that is the sort of thing you would be comfortable with. It would be in context (nothing just for the heck of it). **

**So please tell me whether you are 'Mmmm, yay smut!', or 'Oh my lord, that is so awkward! Why would you write that? You're icky!' Review, please. It brings sunshine into my life. Even if it is summer…**

**Teaser:**

"_**I can give you anything you want, Magnus. Everything I wouldn't give you before." Alec's face wore a smile of sheer seduction. In similarly romantic situations which had occurred before, this expression had been replaced by a guilty blush. Magnus felt Alec's tongue make contact with his ear, sucking and nibbling at the lobe, and it felt so good.**_

**Like I said, it's a little heated. Reviews?**


	24. Failing You

**Hey.**

**I know I say this every time, but I am so sorry that this update took so long. I will blame it on exams, but you guys probably don't wanna hear it.**

**This chapter (I say this a lot too) is actually one of my favourites. I asked you guys about how you felt about things heating up, and there was a general 'yes' with the ever present under tone of 'no rape!'. Don't worry.**

**Look, I am a little immature, and do not know if I can go 'all the way', but this chapter is evidence of 'heating up'. Even if it is dark, freaked out heating up.**

**I have really enjoyed your reviews (love), and really hope you have enjoyed this story thus far. I take pleasure, perhaps too much, in writing this. Not only has it benefitted me as a writer (the chapters seem to improve as we go), but it has also boosted my confidence in that some of what I write is, by some definition, worthy. For that, I would like to thank you. For every review (never fear Lizzy, I am grateful for every chapter's), alert, favourite and hit (21,000+!), I am grateful.**

**Random Fact Number 38470347: ****A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.**

* * *

Breakfasts had an increasing tendency of being extremely awkward. Magnus knew for a fact that the Lightwoods had not had 'family breakfast time' since Max had been about four, and it was fairly easy to understand why. Or maybe it was just that Simon was there…

"… and I do not understand why you would _want _to hunt demons. They are life-threatening, ugly and generally wish to inflict doom upon you. _Doom_, Clary." Simon was talking mainly to Clary, but seeing as no one else would actually speak, it was a general conversation. Magnus had to admire Simon, just a touch. Even his dribble was better than silence, and Alec seemed to have taken a liking to him, having chosen to sit next to the vampire and the warlock at most meals.

"Careful, Daylighter," replied Magnus, simply to fill the lapse in conversation. "That's my father you're talking about." Simon looked as though he might pass out, so Magnus gave a smirk. "Don't die on me now, honey, I was never that close to my father anyway. Long distance relationships can be sort of difficult to maintain."

"Oh, good." Simon looked uneasy, and not just because of Magnus's statement. Simon had been the most normal out of everyone. To be honest, Magnus was sort of losing his mind himself. Watching Alec like this was sending him over the edge. Isabelle and Jace seemed hardly able to speak, and Clary was mostly just awkward. "Say Magnus, where have all your ridiculous clothes gone? You're dress sense is almost as bad as Alec's."

Magnus was about to stand up and slap the boy when he heard Alec give a chuckle. Sometimes Magnus had to remind himself that Alec wasn't a child, and he still understood jokes. Simon had a point, though. Magnus hadn't been bothered to put makeup or extravagant clothes on. It all seemed tedious now.

"It isn't as if I just brought my whole wardrobe here." Magnus tried to sound casual, but everything ended out sounding tense. Even Simon's light, friendly joking voice had a slight edge to it.

"Couldn't you just, I don't know, snap it in?" Simon snapped his fingers as demonstration, before adding, "Well, usually a sparkly headband or a pair of high heels would appear…"

Alec giggled again at the mundane boy's silly joke. He had to admit that they shared a similar sense of 'humour', though such a term seemed not to suit the words that befell the mouths of these two boys. Simon smiled a little at Alec's laugh, reminding Magnus that Simon was doing this for Alec's benefit. It was very sweet, though Magnus felt considerably envious. He didn't know what to say to Alec at all. To Magnus's surprise, Alec's quiet voice broached the new found silence.

"You could bring some of your things over, if you are staying…" Everyone's eyes peered up across the thick oak table. Alec's voice was a rarity unless that _thing _was playing with him. "I have a fair amount of closet space now."

Simon smirked, and Magnus saw a small smile on Alec's face. Another joke? Magnus used to tease Alec with things like that, before all this, how his closet must be awfully empty without a six foot shadowhunter hiding inside of it.

"It's okay, Alec. I am fine with just the essentials." How had he lived before? Looking after Alec was so _exhausting_. He consumed his every thought. He could not understand how he had once had time to think about things like makeup and skin care regimes.

"I don't not like your clothes, Magnus," said Alec, so quietly that Magnus almost thought he hadn't heard correctly. "I know I poke fun at you sometimes, but I like your style… it's part of who you are, and I do not want that to change just because I'm losing my mind…"

"If you like, I could dress up again, Alec. I just thought you didn't really care…" A look of pain crossed Alec's face as he looked down at his semi-cold porridge. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want you to do things just because I want you to, that wasn't what I meant. It doesn't matter. If you do not want to dress up, it's fine. I thought you were doing this because of me, and that would have been awful." That struck a nerve. Without thinking, Magnus began to reply.

"Well doesn't that sound familiar?" Magnus's voice had an edge he shouldn't be using on Alec, and the smaller boy's face went stony and blank, but Magnus was not done yet. "I watch you fall on your knees and beg me forgiveness, for me to guide you to become something that you aren't, simply because you want to please me. That isn't fair."

"Magnus!" hissed Isabelle, who was seated directly across from Magnus and beside Jace. Both siblings were giving him alarmed looks, but while Isabelle's was surprised, Jace was furious.

"T-that's different, Magnus. You know that's different." Alec sounded frightened, and Magnus felt horrified. He shouldn't be doing this to Alec. Not now. "I am becoming a monster. I am being transformed, and I have to try and remain like I am. I just don't want to get worse."

"Magnus, if you are going to harass my son, you can get out." Maryse's voice was very blunt and straight forward. Alec cringed.

"Don't send him away." The words came out surprisingly fast and desperate. "_Please_. I need him…"

Maryse shot Magnus the dirtiest glare in history, clearly outlining that if Alec wasn't terrified of Magnus leaving him, he would have been pulverised.

"No, Alec. Your mother was right. I should not say things like that to you, especially when I do not even mean them. Just because it hurts me to have to scold you when you think you have done the wrong thing does not make it right to say that. I know you have your reasons, I just wish you would abandon them."

"Do you _want _me to be crazy?"

"No, that isn't what I meant, I just-"

"Then there isn't really much else to it, is there?" Alec did not look satisfied, or anything really… his head hung so that his fringe covered his eyes.

"Oh Alec, way to be melodramatic." Simon rolled his eyes, not without a hint of a very fake smile. Okay, maybe now Magnus felt a little like staking him.

"Shut your blood sucking mouth, Daylighter." Jace beat him to the job. Magnus had to admit, Jace had a little more venom than him anyway. Alec stood up, looking a little irritated… at Jace.

"Why are you all so damn afraid to tell me that I am acting like a total emotional wreck? Simon is not doing anything wrong in telling me to buck up. Yeah, this thing attacks me, but I am practically sane. _Please _try to act like sometimes." Alec stood awkwardly for a moment, looking as though he had forgotten why had had stood up in the first place, before promptly sitting down. Magnus expected a blush, but there was no hope of that as a familiar vibration sounded across the Sanctuary.

It was probably embarrassing for Alec, to be able to hear the sound of six Sensors going off in unison as his every thought and feeling fell away into something warped and horrifying, but he never seemed to realise when he fell away into _that _state. Just as quickly as the buzzing had started, everyone quickly turned the devices off, and went into another game of pretend.

Let's pretend our brother, son, friend and lover _isn't _going through hell.

Brother Eli was standing by the door. Magnus quickly tried to question him.

_What is it doing to him this time?_

The deformed man looked at him for a moment, and Magnus wondered if he disliked him so much as to ignore him. After a moment, Brother Eli responded. _I don't really know. It is getting better at concealing itself…_

Well, that was certainly new.

_Just do what you usually do. _

Magnus sighed at this advice, before turning to Alec. "Alec, are you feeling all right?"

Alec was silent for a long while, and Magnus wondered if he was in such a state that he could longer speak. Looking around at the table, Magnus was met with familiar expressions. He still felt terrible for Clary, who simply looked down at the table, unsure of what to do. Jace had been especially horrible lately, though he couldn't exactly blame him either. He never got to see Alec. The raven haired shadowhunter wasn't allowed to train anymore as things were, and it was affecting his siblings a considerable amount. Alec's mother and father were clearly just trying to ignore the situations as they happened, with varying degrees of success.

"Alec, sweetie, you wanna sit on my lap?" Magnus knew it sounded pathetic, but sometimes the demon venom affected Alec's mood, making him hyper sensitive. The first time he had said such things, he had received odd looks from everyone in the room. He had to admit, it was a very unMagnus thing to say… unless Alec was involved. The way he said the words now was in his most innocent, non-threatening voice. When Alec looked up, he looked absolutely fine.

"Of _course_," purred Alec, and Magnus knew that he wasn't the only one who had been startled by the fact that Alexander Lightwood had just _purred_. All the same, Magnus welcomed Alec onto his lap as he had done several other times throughout the week, but this was different. While in the past Alec had been shaking or irregular, he seemed to be pretty comfortable. "You have been so kind to me, Magnus. You try really hard to protect me… make me feel better. I just wish I could do something to make _you _feel better. You seem tired."

Magnus frowned. Alec didn't stutter or speak quietly like he usually did, but there was still something different about him. He just didn't know what…

"I'm fine Alec, really. You don't have to worry about me, I'm-" But Magnus was cut off by the feel of soft lips as they attached themselves to his own. They moved with passion and sexual intent… everything Alec never allowed himself to have… everything Alec wanted him to feel. He wasn't restraining himself, and it felt so wrong that Magnus _really _enjoyed the feel of Alexander's lips against his.

There was no mistaking that Alec wasn't himself. Even if the passion felt like it was real, it couldn't be. Magnus, the half demon, could feel the faint trace of demonic energy oozing from the boy's touch as he kissed him ferociously… and Magnus really wanted to kiss back. It was wrong in so many ways, but the way Alec's mouth felt was beyond compare.

_You can kiss him back, you know. We need these attacks to last as long as possible. Don't you think he will realise something is wrong if you don't start kissing him back?_

Brother Eli sounded bored, as usual, but this time it was slightly different. Alec's lips were racing against his own, and he was actually dominating. Hadn't he wanted this? Hadn't he wanted this for so long? Suddenly, Alec pulled away, breathing heavily.

"Magnus… what's wrong?" Alec took a long, unsteady breath. His pupils were so dilated that Magnus could scarcely see the blue eyes which had drawn him to the boy, though the image before him was almost as pleasing. For once, Alexander wasn't blushing or looking innocent, but he honestly looked… horny. Usually Magnus would have jumped this Alec where he stood, but this was different. "Do you want _more_?"

Magnus took a look up from the boy on his lap, gazing at the faces of Alec's family and acquaintances. Maryse appeared scandalised, and Robert looked disgusted. Everyone had been told to act normal when Alec went through these phases, but this seemed so much worse than anything they had faced. Had it been Isabelle or Jace, even Simon or Clary, it would not have been half as bad, but everyone knew that Alec would be ashamed of himself later, and that made it a thousand times worse.

_I can't do this_, Magnus thought frantically, catching the Silent Brother's eye. _This is worse than anything else. He will be mortified-_

_Just humour him for a while, Bane._ Brother Eli spoke with the authority of one who was not to be ignored, but when he spoke next, his voice was remarkably softer. _Usually I wouldn't let you do this, warlock, but the amount of energy radiating from Alexander… it makes me wonder if the shadowhunters can feel it. The demon energy is working overtime to send Alec into this state_. _It should be worth it, so just try and maintain this for as long as possible._

At that moment Magnus felt Alec's innocent hand grope the front of Magnus's trousers, successfully making Magnus jump a little in his chair.

"I can give you anything you want, Magnus. Everything I wouldn't give you before." Alec's face wore a smile of sheer seduction. In similarly romantic situations which had occurred before, this expression had been replaced by a guilty blush. Magnus felt Alec's tongue make contact with his ear, sucking and nibbling at the lobe, and it felt _so good_.

Magnus hated himself so much at that moment. He could not tell Alexander to get off him. Brother Eli had been right about the amount of energy Alec was losing… he could feel it so much more clearly than he had the times before, but this wasn't Alec. The Alec he knew was cowering in the back of this boy's mind, frightened of a beast which resided inside of him…

But were these hands, the hands which were entangling themselves in his hair and pulling him forward… were they not those of Alexander? Those lips which were moving passionately against his own, fierce and urgent… they belonged to Alec too. And he knew that it was beyond being immoral that he should have found himself visibly aroused by the boy. It was so disgusting and filthy, but somewhere in his mind he wished so badly that those hands were Alexander's. Somewhere in his mind, it was true.

"I know I have always been uptight, Magnus," breathed Alec between their passion filled kisses. Magnus was kissing back lightly, aware of the tense stares he was receiving from the people left far behind at the dining table. "I know I disappointed you so often. I am ashamed, Magnus, of what I did…" Alec trailed off as he began laying none to gentle kisses along Magnus's neck. Alec's hand was working on his lower regions which were well and truly hard. Alec smiled up at him in a way he never smiled before. Magnus missed his shy smile _so _much at that moment. "But I want to make it up to you, and I think you will like it."

Alec's lips were edging lower and lower, and Magnus felt a sudden surge of panic.

_I can't do it. I can't let him do this, _he mind-screamed at Brother Eli.

_Just a little longer, Bane. The energy… it can't hold up much longer. Just let it go on a while more._

Alec's face had slid dangerously low down Magnus's front, before finally resting on Magnus's lap, eyes still wide with seductive delight. Magnus clenched the edge of the table, looking at Alec.

Looking at Alec then was almost heart breaking. Everything he had once wished from the blue eyed boy was coming true, and he had never felt more atrocious.

The boy was now kneeling beside him, eyes looking up at him for some form of approval as he undid the fly on Magnus's jeans, the sound of the zipper causing numerous winces across the table. Magnus felt like screaming. On a whim, he pulled Alec into yet another false passion filled kiss, only for Alec to lightly push him away.

"I will give you more than kisses, Magnus, I promise you that." His voice was so smooth, unlike the boy's usual pitch. The way Alec was looking at him… was Magnus leading him on so much? Did the sick part of his mind which _still _wanted Alec to give him pleasure display itself on Magnus's face? Slowly, Alec's head dipped into Magnus's lap, lips slightly parted and long, pale fingers dipping lightly into the waistband of Magnus's boxer when the sound of a hand violently slapping against the wooden table seemed to freeze everything as a masculine voice resounded through the Sanctuary.

"Alexander Lightwood, what the devil do you think you are doing?" yelled Robert Lightwood into the silence which had fallen over the room. "Get the hell up."

Magnus looked down at Alec, whose head was still bent over his lap, but he was no longer in any sort of contact with the warlock. "Alec, are you alright…?"

Nobody made a noise until Magnus heard the voice of Brother Eli.

_Robert was not meant to do that, I swear to you that it was not under my orders that he spoke. _There was a soft note to Brother Eli's words. _I am sorry._

Magnus _really _did not want to know why.

Magnus spoke again to Alec. "Alec, it's over now." The warlock reached out a hand in an attempt to tilt Alec's chin up, only to have it slapped violently away, angry blue eyes looking at him within Alec's rage paled face. Suddenly the boy stood up from his kneeling position, lightly trembling, before knocking over the chair he had previously been sitting in, causing a loud noise to echo through the room.

"Alec-" But Magnus was cut off.

"I w-would n-never do that." Alec swallowed, eyes refusing to meet those of anyone else in the room. "I s-swear, I would n-never d-do that."

Magnus stood too. "Alec, we know. You told us to let it happen. We know it wasn't you-"

"I t-t-told you not to let me b-be an embarrassment. You said y-you would h-help me." Alec's voice was tripping over itself, a stutter taking over his speech. Magnus almost wished it would turn silky smooth again. To the warlock's own surprise, it was Jace who spoke next.

"Alec, you're stuttering. You don't have to speak." His voice was oddly protective.

"I c-can control it," said Alec unsteadily, refusing to even look at his brother. The black haired boy took several deep breaths before speaking next, his hands shaking at his sides. "Father." Alec took another few breaths before continuing, finally looking at everyone but Magnus. "Mother, Jace, Isabelle, Clary, Simon, Brother Eli and… M-Magnus…" Alec closed his eyes, scolding himself for allowing his voice to falter, the forceful and deliberate shaking of his hands quickening. It was sickening to watch. "I am so sorry for disgracing you in the manner which I have this morning. M-my actions were… were inappropriate, and I can only b-beg for your forgiveness-"

"Alec, stop. Please…" Isabelle looked pleadingly at her brother, her eyes wide with horror. Alec pointedly ignored her.

"-even as I do not deserve it. May you grant me a punishment of your choosing, and may the angel insure its enforcement." Alec bowed his head, and the shadowhunters collectively knew that he would not rise until a punishment was decreed. It was Clave law.

What had Magnus done? Alec was livid beyond any point at which Magnus had ever saw him, his whole body contorted into the entirely new emotion… but it wasn't rage at all. Something was off. He wasn't mad at anyone, it seemed…

"Alexander, sit down." Robert's voice resounded through the room. There was an eerie silence which had cascaded through the shadowhunters and Downworlders alike. There were no forks clinking against plates or knives tearing through toast. Just silence. "You are being ridiculous. What you were doing before was not your own doing. I just needed you to stop it. If I thought you were going to act like a child about it, I would have let you keep going."

Magnus could hear Alec's breath speeding up and slowing erratically. He gestured for the boy to come back to the table, but he didn't budge, his head still bent in shame.

"I may be acting like a c-child…" Alec quickly swallowed, his voice barely more than a whisper, "but it is Clave law to punish those who humiliate their family. You have to-"

"We aren't humiliated," hissed Maryse for the first time. "We all understand – all of us – that you can't help what it does to you. Look at me Alexander." Alec refused to look. "Sit down. We do not wish to punish you-"

"You d-d-don't understand, d-do you?" exclaimed the boy, his stammer taking his speech once more. "I _want _t-to be punished. M-maybe it will t-teach me to f-fight back… I want it so badly. _Please._ Treat me normally. Would y-you have let anyone else in this room g-get away with that? You c-can't just let it ruin everything. I know I t-told you to let it take me over sometimes, b-but dignity isn't a b-bad thing to possess…"

"Alec, honey, sit down. It's okay-" But Magnus was cut off by the sound of Isabelle's soft, barely there voice.

"Spend some time with Simon."

Everyone in the room gaped at her. A small smile curved on her full red lips. "Not to offend Simon, but if we have to punish Alec, why don't we make him hang out with Simon?" Jace threw a stern look at Isabelle, but she continued quietly. "Magnus is being really cool about the whole thing, but he looks sort of ugly with so little sleep, and we can't exactly leave Alec on his own, so…"

"No freaking way, Izzy!" Jace's voice cut across the pause. "A few months ago, Simon didn't even know what a shadowhunter is. He wouldn't even know what to do if Alec was hurt." Magnus wondered if Jace was simply being jealous. "What if Alec starts to hurt himself, or tries to hurt Simon? What do you _think _will happen?"

Magnus had to admit that this was a valid point, and didn't miss the flicker of doubt on Isabelle's face, but also noticed that she quickly smoothed it away.

"Simon is trustworthy, and he has vampire voodoo on his side." Jace looked momentarily confused. Isabelle sighed. "He could hypnotise Alec if it got too bad. He's been working on it, and he has gotten pretty good."

Jace didn't look satisfied. "Do you _want _Alec to turn into salt, or would this just be a bonus for you? Just forget it. Alec, we are not going to-"

"Fine." Alec's voice was scratchy and uncertain. "If Simon doesn't mind, I will s-stay with him whenever I'm not with Magnus. I accept this as my punishment." With that, Alec raised his head for the first time, eyes filled with sorrow. At that moment, Jace slammed his fists down on the table, causing Clary to flinch, and stood up angrily.

"Why him, Izzy? _I'm _his brother! I'm his best friend, his parabatai, and no one seems to care." Magnus had never seen Jace like this. Not over Alec. "I can deal with losing out to Magnus – everyone loses out to Magnus – but Simon isn't even his friend-"

"Shut up Jace." Alec's voice sliced through the silence. Alec looked almost relieved that he hadn't stuttered these words. "The arrangement is fine."

Jace looked taken aback, and Magnus wanted to slap him. "But Alec, it's dangerous, and he's not even… you hardly know him… you know _me_, Alec. I could look after you…"

"It is settled, J-Jace." Alec turned to Simon, ignoring his confused brother. "It looks like you're coming with me, Daylighter."

As if by instinct, Magnus rose as well. He could not recall when the last time he had spent time away from Alec was. Alec just looked at him, concealing whatever emotion was in his stony eyes.

"_Just _Simon."

And with that, Alec was gone. There seemed to be an eerie suspense left in his wake, the atmosphere threatening to crash down upon those left inside the Sanctuary. Nobody dared follow Alec and Simon, though Magnus wanted to with all his heart. It seemed as though they had both placed faith in and given up on Alec.

Some were left wondering what they did wrong.

Others simply questioned if what they did was right.

Magnus didn't have these questions, though. He knew that somehow, without meaning to or wishing for this at all, he had done _everything _wrong.

And he didn't even know where that started.

Magnus pushed away his toast, knowing that he couldn't have eaten any more if he tried.

* * *

**I hope you all liked this chapter. Any and all feedback is welcome. Feel free to tell me whether I failed or otherwise.**

**Teaser:**

"_**How could you do this, Jace? J-just one day… one d-day, that was all I was asking…" Alec was not angry at Jace, not really. He was angry at himself for letting himself think that Jace cared. For letting himself think that Jace really wanted to spend time with him.**_

"_**I'm… Alec, I'm…-"**_


	25. Abandoning You

**Merry Christmas!**

**I dropped the usual 'Hey', just for today. It is Christmas Eve for another two hours where I am, so Merry Christmas to all (or equivalent) to all.**

**Notes: This chapter is heavy, but only in a past tense sort of way. Flash backs! (YAY!). Mostly sad, but one bitter sweet.**

**I do have one sort of ish problem for next chapter. It is extraordinarily light. Most of this has just been one big angst fest, but next chapter even has a couple of jokes (gasp!). If there are serious objections to this weird change (it won't become a common theme) tell me. Otherwise, I hope enjoy chapter 26's unnatural happy injection.**

**Random Fact No. 25122011 (see what I did there?): ****US scientists calculated that Santa has to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the world's presents on Christmas Eve, travelling at 650 miles a second. What a guy!**

* * *

Magnus frowned, his eyes resting on the finely carved dining table before him. No one had spoken, though the expressions of the Lightwoods and Clary were enough to portray their feelings almost entirely.

Clary looked even more miserable than usual. Between Jace being a nightmare and Simon being stolen away by a boy suffering a mental affliction from a demon, the girl wasn't getting much of a break.

Jace's enraged expression had faded, though not softened. He looked confused, as though he were contemplating something vital, but which refused to fit an equation. Isabelle wore a similarly confused expression, though her features were delicate and disturbed opposed to angry.

And then there were the parents.

Magnus frequently wondered what thoughts circulated their minds. They loved Alec, Magnus knew that much, but it was a strange love. The way Robert had been so upset when Alec had been possessed to do inappropriate things with Magnus, and the way he sat now, guilty and horrified, did not compute. The way Maryse had just let Alec run out with a vampire…

And since when had Alec had a stutter? Magnus decided to voice this question, if for no other reason than to burst the impenetrable bubble of silence which veiled the dining area.

"Did Alec ever have a stutter, even just as a child?"

At this, the warlock glanced at Robert, but received his answer from both parents.

"Never."

* * *

_Maryse and Robert eyed their son as he stood before them. They still loved him, but the affection seemed to be dulled._

"_P-please say something." Alec's eyes were cast down in what might have almost resembled shame, except he had made it perfectly clear that he had no shame._

"_What do you want us to say, Alexander?" Robert spoke coldly, watching as Alec almost trembled. Truth be told, he did not know why he was angry with Alec, but he felt himself filled with rage._

"_Did you plan that, Alexander, just to embarrass us in front of the Clave?" questioned Maryse agitatedly. "Do you usually kiss your… _boyfriend _in highly public areas, or is that just something you reserve for the Accords? Do you even care that your father and I are going to suffer for this, or is that just lost on you?"_

_Alec looked back at his mother, his cheeks red. He felt tears welling in his eyes, his throat constricting. He could hardly remember how to speak, let alone reply to his mother's questions._

"_Answer us, Alexander," hissed Robert, his voice a deadly calm._

"_I-I-I…" Alec could hear his words shaking. "I-I-I'm sorry f-for embarrassing you, b-but-"_

"_But what?"_

"_But he n-needed to know." Alec's voice died out at the end of his sentence. He wanted so badly to cry, just let his tears loose, but he would not do that. "Magnus… he l-loves me. I d-did not mean to cause the humiliation I have, b-but I needed to show him – everyone – that I love him. T-truly."_

_The boy cringed at his words, their disjointedness sending further redness to his enflamed cheeks. There was a long silence before anyone spoke, a considerable amount of the anger falling away from Alec's parents as they watched their oldest son shaking in front of them._

"_Look, Alexander," sighed Maryse, her voice worn. "We accept that you are… what you are, and we do not seek to change that, it's just… We wish you had not made such a spectacle of yourself. We could have kept this quiet…"_

_Maryse looked at her son, really looked at him. She remembered the way he had thrown himself at that warlock, like nothing else mattered. It had been damaging to her reputation, but… she also remembered the look Alec had held in his gaze as he had looked at Magnus. She had never seen such an expression before, not on her son's face._

"_We still love you, Alexander. More than our embarrassment, more than our frustration, we love you."_

_Seeing her son's face light up in that moment, the way Alexander's head snapped up, Maryse knew that it did not matter if her son kissed warlocks in a crowded room in front of the Clave. It did not matter if he liked boys, or Downworlders, or that he had kept it a secret. She and Robert were his parents, and they loved him anyway._

"_T-thank you," whispered Alec. Any anger towards Alec from his parents instantly fell away as Alec looked the closest he had ever come to crying in front of them since he was a child. "I-I didn't think you would… I just… thank you so much."_

_And at that moment, the Lightwood parents knew that it was not Alec who should have felt ashamed._

* * *

Isabelle glanced at Magnus curiously. "Have you ever seen him when he stutters like that?" Without leaving time to reply, Izzy continued. "I swear I have before… I just can't remember when. I would swear it had something to do with Alec's birthday…"

At this, Jace's head darted up, his eyes concerned, and maybe even… guilty.

"Something happened on his birthday?" asked Magnus. The warlock could practically imagine Alexander being ripped apart by demons on his eighteenth birthday. Isabelle shook her head, eyes displaying confusion.

"I don't remember… it was probably nothing. After all, Jace took Alec out for the day. I must be imagining things…"

_Irritation took over Alec as he surveyed his siblings._

"_What do you think you guys are doing?" Isabelle was sprawled out on the ground, her clothes dishevelled, but clearly intact, while Jace rested on his bed, looking like he had stepped out of a disaster zone._

_Isabelle moved restlessly in her sleep, though did not seem to wake. _

"_Stop shouting," groaned Jace, moving slightly beneath his sheets. Alec's demeanour softened at the strain in his brother's voice, but he felt so… betrayed. Alec made his way over to Jace's bedside, placing his hand on the blonde's shoulder. Suddenly he felt a little bit frightened._

"_Jace… it's my birthday…" Alec did not know what he was trying to say with these words, but Jace stirred again, the signs of a bad hangover plastered on his face._

_Jace scowled at his brother, though he was unsure why this expression had even crossed his face. Alec had not done anything wrong, but he was too tired and in pain to deal with him. Why couldn't he just leave him alone? "No Alec, I had _completely _forgotten."_

_Alec looked even more confused, and perhaps a tad angry. "Are you being sarcastic, Jace Wayland? I fail to see why you would be. Today is meant to be… special."_

_Even Alec felt embarrassed, just to have said those words._

_Jace curled further into his sheets, the feeling of warmth and comfort surrounding him. He could not get up. The thudding in his head, the aching in his joints… at that moment, he could not have cared less that his brother was turning eighteen. Jace practically sneered at him. "You make it sound like a date, Alec."_

_Alec paled. It was not a date. He knew it was not a date, regardless of how he might have felt for Jace, but it was still meant to feel better than this. Alec's birthdays had never really been a big deal. Max got big birthdays because he was the youngest, Isabelle because she was the princess, and even Jace got whatever he wanted because the Lightwoods wanted him to feel like their real son, but Alec's birthdays usually just passed by in comparative silence. He had never minded, though. It was a day where he would get several presents, a nicer than average dinner and a little bit of special treatment._

_But even in the Shadow World, an eighteenth birthday party was a big deal. So he had decided to step it up, and had asked Jace to take him out for the day, to anywhere he thought they might enjoy. It had taken more courage than he had thought himself capable of, but it had been worth it when Jace not only agreed, but also seemed excited. He would not have cared they went – a cinema, party or even bowling for all he cared – but this… this was just hurtful._

"_How could you do this, Jace? J-just one day… one d-day, that was all I was asking…" Alec was not angry at Jace, not really. He was angry at himself for letting himself think that Jace cared. For letting himself think that Jace really wanted to spend time with him._

"_I'm… Alec, I'm…-"_

_Alec held up a hand, knowing that Jace would not apologise. He could feel his mind becoming numb. It did not matter if Jace got himself too drunk the night before to be bothered hanging out with him on his birthday. It did not matter. He was not Isabelle, who could just make these demands. He was Alec Lightwood, and he should not have thought himself capable of Jace's attention. He had been an idiot. All he needed to worry about was Jace, nothing else._

"_It doesn't matter Jace. It d-doesn't matter." Alec took several breaths, eyes not able to meet his brother's. "Our parents cannot find out about this. No one can find out about this. If they realise that you were partying last night, they will flip. I need you to take Isabelle to her room, and pray that she isn't as smashed as you. Then could you glamour yourself and just hide out in your room for the day? Our parents won't be expecting to find you here, so they won't see you."_

_Jace's head throbbed, and the words seemed to only ever make partial sense. They sounded good, if they let him rest, but there was something missing… "Alec, what are you going to do, if they go looking for you?"_

_Alec gave a sad smile. "I will go out, like I was supposed to. I can't risk them finding me… you will get into trouble. I will go out for the day, and come back for dinner. As far as they're concerned, you and I are out p-painting the town red."_

_Jace knew he was doing the wrong thing by Alec. He had known when he accepted a party invitation for the day before his brother's birthday that he was doing the wrong thing, but this felt even worse. Despite this, he could hardly move, and the guilt probably was not registering as quickly as it should have. Later on, Jace would realise that he had ruined Alec's birthday, but he could not bring himself to even stand up._

_Before Alec left, he approached Jace cautiously. He rested his pale, shaky hand on the side of Jace's neck and bent down to whisper to him. Jace was not sure if he felt uncomfortable because he knew Alec loved him, or because it was a brotherly gesture that he would never deserve._

"_Don't bother taking Isabelle to her room. You are in no condition to do it anyway. I'll take her. G-get some rest." Alec paced over to Isabelle, picking her up with affection, and walked over to the door before stopping. "Don't tell Isabelle about this. It won't do her any good to know."_

_Jace nodded, feeling like one of the most horrible people in the world. Alec shouldn't have covered for him. The raven haired boy had spent seven years of his life covering for the blonde, and Jace never apologised or thanked him. He knew it was atrocious, but this was what Alec was for, wasn't it?_

_That evening, Alec came back from a ten hour period of solitude in Central Park, with a delighted smile plastered on his face. He claimed that Jace had taken him to a party and a movie, and Jace was still a little hung over. Only Jace saw the way his shoulders slumped and his eyes looked betrayed._

_Alec never ever brought up what had happened on his eighteenth birthday again, and Jace's unspoken apology always seemed to stick in his throat._

* * *

Magnus raised an eyebrow at Jace's pained expression. "Did you do something wrong to him on his birthday? It isn't very nice to spoil others' birthdays, you know."

Jace was considerably paler than he had been before. "I didn't mean to… I thought it would be fine the next morning… I didn't think he would seriously just let me go…"

Magnus's brow wrinkled in confusion, but Isabelle's face seemed to have been lit in a blaze.

"You mean to tell me that when he left, you were still…?" Isabelle cut herself off, knowing that she could not tell everyone what Jace had done. "The whole day, Jace? Father was leaving that day for Idris… if you were going to do that, you could have at least let him see his father on his birthday-"

"I wasn't the one calling the shots, Izzy. He made the decisions. Do I feel terrible for letting him? Yes, but I swear that I have regretted it every day since."

"I cannot believe you did that to him! After every half assed birthday Alec has had to put up with, you just… agh!" Isabelle made a frustrated noise, knowing that she could not directly say that Jace had abandoned Alec on his birthday, and that her oldest brother had greeted man hood alone to their parents. If Alec had kept it a secret this long, it was not meant to be told. "You should have taken it more seriously. You know why he asked you over me. You couldn't even humour him for one day…"

Silence fell over the table, Isabelle and Jace exchanging intense looks, while the others simply looked confused. In truth, everyone else had a sinking feeling in their gut in regards to what Jace had probably done, but it was best not to think about it. After a long pause, Magnus broke the silence.

"There was only really one time I remember Alec ever stuttering even close to that much." Magnus spoke formally, a strange tint of soft emotion in his every word.

Unlike the others, Magnus was unafraid to share this story with the table.

* * *

_Alec was shaking a little in his arms, his body seeming miles away. Magnus could feel his heartbeat, erratic with fear and excitement. The warlock only tightened his grip on Alec, wishing that he would never ever have to let go._

"_I-I did it, Magnus." Magnus knew Alec was smiling his meek, embarrassed smile, even as his face was planted in the warlock's chest. "They're still s-staring, aren't they…?"_

_Magnus gave a low rumble of laughter. Yes, they certainly were receiving a plethora of strange looks, but he hardly cared. All that mattered was Alec, and what he had just done._

"_You were so brave, Alec. I am _so _proud of you. Everything will be okay, I swear." Magnus knew that he was lying, but only a little. He knew that Alec would receive funny looks for a very long time, and that many of the shadowhunters would look down on him, but the good would outweigh the bad. He knew it would…_

"_Do you think they h-hate me?" Alec was so anxious, even in his lover's arms. It took Magnus a moment to comprehend what Alec had even asked._

"_Do I think who will hate you?"_

"_M-my parents. Jace. Do you think they will still love me?" Magnus continued to move his hands around Alec, pointlessly patting his back as he shuffled his love along to a row of chairs in the hall. The shadowhunters' stares – of shame, surprise and general scepticism – all seemed to attempt to pierce Alec's gaze. The more they stared, the closer Magnus held the boy. The closer he held the boy, the more they stared._

"_Why would they hate you, Alexander? You haven't changed. You were born like this, no matter what happens; this is who you were meant to be." Magnus knew there was a chance this would not go well for Alec, and felt greedy for having pushed him to do this… but he felt so happy. In front of hundreds of shadowhunters and Downworlders alike, Alexander Lightwood had kissed him. He was finally his._

"_They w-won't see me the s-same. They were shocked and…" Alec trailed off as he pulled away from Magnus and looked him in the eye. Magnus felt a surge of bitter disappointment wash over him as he looked into Alec's terrified eyes._

"_And what? You regret it? Regret loving me, or at least showing it in front of everyone-"_

_Alec's lips interrupted Magnus as he kissed Magnus for the second time in the Hall of the Accords._

"_And it doesn't even matter, not if you love me. Not if you accept me." Alec's hand entangled itself in Magnus's, his touch startling the warlock. There were still murmurs, certain words such as 'gay', 'shame', 'dishonour' and such being thrown around by the shadowhunters, but none of the Downworlders really cared. The only part that even partially tripped them up was the fact that Magnus Bane was utterly spellbound by someone so young. "I used t-to look at other b-boys, wondering if they were worth it. Worth the awful words, the supposed shame factor of being like me. N-none of them were. Not even J-Jace. I thought that I would never show what I was to anyone, b-but then there was you, and I couldn't… I couldn't bear the thought of lying to stay away from you…"_

_Alec was close to tears, but Magnus knew he would not let them fall._

"_Alec, it's okay-"_

"_I love you." Alec looked strange, like he was on the edge of a cliff. True, they were technically readying themselves for what was meant to be the battle of all battles, but this was different. Magnus felt something in his stomach flutter. Alec quickly went on. "You tell me all these things, about how you care for me, and then you said you loved me, and I l-love you too. And I know that it is p-pathetic that I am telling you all this now, but I loved you before, too. When I was being stupid, I still loved you-"_

_Magnus cut him off with a smile which was worth any torment he would face later. That smile was worth being beaten up to defend Magnus's honour. It was worth the sneers and shoves from his own kind. It was worth being stripped in the Institute's change room, forced into Izzy's dress and tied up in a girls' bathroom by Idris boys on exchange. Alec knew at that moment that whatever life threw at him from that point on was worth being near Magnus._

"_I love you too, Alexander. But then," Magnus smiled even brighter, "you knew that."_

_The murmurs and staring continued, but it all just turned to background noise. Magnus hardly even heard it as Alec rested against him, looking more at peace than the warlock had ever seen him._

_The irony was not lost on him that this all happened immediately before a demon war._

* * *

Jace looked at Magnus as he finished recounting his tale, a look of concentration on his face as the silence began to thrive once more. Sighing, Jace broke it.

"When I sent Alec into the cold, I always dreamed that you would find him. I kept dreaming that some boy would be confident, and loving, and _so _accepting of Alec that I… I could feel at ease for all the awful things I did to him. I kept thinking that one day someone like you would show up, and I would just be forgiven." Jace smiled sadly. "Then you did show up. You were just as good – better – than I thought you would be. I don't think that I ever truly believed you existed, but there you were, waiting in the wings. The only thing I was wrong about was the thought of being at ease for torturing Alec." Looking at Jace then felt more like looking at a mundane than a shadowhunter, his eyes glistening with a terrible truth. "Thank you for bringing him back in from the cold. I just wish you had been there earlier."

His expression outwardly displayed shame as he reached for Clary's hand as he departed the dinner table, leaving Magnus alone with the remaining Lightwoods. Maryse spoke softly after a few seconds.

"Thank you… thank you Magnus, for sharing that and… the other things." She seemed lost for words. She was so glad that she and Robert had accepted Alec. No one could have made their son as happy as Magnus Bane. Even if they – herself and Robert – hated it that a single man had so much pull on their son's blossoming life, a painful life of love was better than a safe life of solitude. And to hear of the fear that had once had a hold on Alec… it made her certain that they had done the right thing by accepting Alec when they did. It wasn't something that could simply wait until the embarrassment died down.

Magnus stood up in an effort to excuse himself. The moment he turned his back, he heard Isabelle's quiet voice behind him.

"You know why I chose Simon, don't you? To look after him, I mean?"

Magnus stiffened, not looking at Isabelle. Honestly, he wished that she had not chosen Simon. Alec should not have even received a punishment. But yes, he knew why.

"I understand."

Simon was normal. He was extraordinary, but normal in the same way that Alec was normal. No one wrote epic ballads about people like Alec and Simon. They suffer like the heroes, face horrors just like the Jaces and Wills* of the world, but there was something awkward about them. Simon knew how to treat Alec like a friend, and Alec would hardly know if he failed. He hadn't really ever had a friend. Someone he knew because he enjoyed their company, no strings attached. He had siblings, and maybe the fact that he only knew Simon because of said siblings made him slightly devalued, but it would be good for Alec to have him around. He knew how to treat Alec, even if Magnus still objected to Alec being allowed to go off on his own with the boy…

"It's just-"

Magnus cut Izzy off as he walked away in the direction of Alec's room.

"I understand."

And maybe he didn't, not completely. He wanted Alec by his side, and he had been ripped away. There was nothing he could do about it.

"Please-"

"I understand."

* * *

**I hope you liked it.**

**If you do, please take a little time to drop a review. I am not going to go all hostage on you guys, but at least ten would be nice. Last chapter wasn't **_**that **_**bad, was it? It only got five. Not to belittle these five at all. Thank you Lea, Patricia Sage, ****Heart Me Some Llamas (I love your name), butterflylover7143 and DisturbingEmily.**

**Thank you for your support. Not just them. Everyone. Merry Christmas.**

**Teaser:**

"_Are you… are you my friend?" Alec almost regretted saying the words. They sounded dreadfully pathetic. He was continuing his still stance, unsure of what to do._

"_Yep," replied Simon, as if it was nothing at all._

"_Do friends usually hug?"_

_Simon paused for a moment himself. He supposed guys generally didn't, but him and Clary did._

"_I guess not."_

"_Then why are we hugging?" _


	26. Normal With You

**Hey.**

**Happy 2012. Now, in case you cannot tell (but really, how could you **_**not **_**tell?), I absolutely adore the idea of Simon and Alec being friends. I am not going to say they are similar, because really, they aren't, but they seem to be in similar character statuses, and that makes it work. Naturally, I would not go slash with them, but their friendship would ultimately be adorable. They could do archery together!**

**So, on that note, I present this piece of work. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It starts and ends a bit sadly, but the middle… the middle is adorable. Because sometimes, just sometimes… being normal is what you need.**

**Random Fact No. 2012: Nintendo started in 1889 by making playing cards. They also ran a TAXI, and a LOVE HOTEL, before making toys, and then video games in 1975.**

**Love Hotels… I have a fascination with them…**

* * *

Simon was something special. Alec did not know what it was about the vampire that made him somehow sufferable, but it almost certainly existed most of the time. Everything about Simon seemed to scream irritating Mundie, but Alec found himself actually enjoying his company. Alec knew that Simon probably was not quite so delighted to be in the shadowhunter's presence, but it meant a lot to him that the Daylighter did not complain once.

"You're strange, Alec… so different to the others…" They were on their way back to the Institute from Central Park. Simon had originally intended to take the boy to the art gallery, but there had been an 'incident', and he had decided that being in an enclosed area where sound carries probably would not have been the best idea.

"Is that meant to be a compliment?" asked Alec. He knew that Simon was not generally all that fussed on Jace, but he liked Isabelle a lot, so this could go two ways.

"I don't know. It's not an insult, to you or them, but… you are the only one I can imagine doing something other than shadowhunting. I mean, aside from Clary, obviously." Alec almost agreed with that, except he could not picture Clary ever being able to embrace a Mundie life again. Maybe once she had normal dreams, to become a designer or professional nerd, or whatever Mundies dream to be, but everything had changed. She was a shadowhunter who was truly enchanted by the very world she had been swept into. Simon could think otherwise, but Alec knew that Clary loved her new world.

"I cannot imagine being any better at being a Mundane than I am at being a shadowhunter." Alec shrugged, avoiding Simon's eyes. He was not even completely certain what Mundanes did, or how they lived. Apparently their world was knit differently to his own, and while everyone always seemed to think he could live like a Mundane, he scarcely even knew what they were implying.

"Jace wouldn't last two seconds in this world." Simon made a sweeping gesture at the side walk. "Isabelle might, but she would spend her life looking for excitement which isn't there, and would be ultimately miserable and in a constant state of grave danger. But I think you would be okay." At Alec's concerning expression, Simon backtracked. "Not that you are a bad shadowhunter or anything, it's just that you don't seem to thrive on danger the way they do, like it is a job and not a life-"

"Yes, that is a nice way to put it." Alec paused, wanting to think about things aside from his old nightmares of being stripped of his marks and being left as a Mundie. He had thought that once everyone knew what he was that he would be abandoned. He had been so sure that one day he would have no choice but to do 'something other than shadowhunting'. Alec quickly changed the subject to something much worse. "What is it like being immortal?"

Simon looked startled. "What?"

"I know you haven't really gotten to be immortal yet, seeing as you have only been a vampire for a couple of months, but what is it like?"

Simon looked at Alec, a clouded expression taking hostage his features. "It's… this is about Magnus, isn't it?"

Alec blushed a little, nodding. Simon stopped walking and placed a hand on Alec's shoulder, causing him to freeze as well. "Immortality to us means two completely different things."

Alec did not reply.

"Looking into the face of forever… I see an empty existence. What about once I get over wanting to be a teenager, and I still look sixteen? What happens when the people I love die? I will be very empty for a very long time."

"But look at Magnus. He's happy-"

"Did you know Magnus, when he did not have you to occupy him?" asked Simon. The sun was hanging low in the sky, and the Institute was in sight.

"Of course not," replied Alec. "But I saw him at the party, before we were going out. He seemed happy then-"

"I don't think he was, Alec." Simon was not exactly an expert specialised in 'The Art of Magnus Bane', but he could not help but think that the happiness Magnus had shown at the party – the smirks and sarcastic remarks – was not sincere. When he was with Alec, his smile was so much softer, his words seeming special without being quippy. Alec had given Magnus purpose. "Being immortal requires a purpose, something that fulfils you. You are that to Magnus."

Looking away from Alec, Simon felt his eyes forcing themselves to stare at a nature strip and an altogether normal townhouse. He could imagine it being home to a simple Mundane family, with two children, maybe a son and a daughter. A family that might yell at each other, but would laugh as they grew older, sharing meals that weren't blood and growing old.

"What about when I die?" hissed Alec, and Simon was once again reminded that hanging out with Alec meant lying. A lot. Telling Alec that he would die, when everyone knew that he never would. He could not see how this made anything better, but orders were orders.

"I don't know, Alec-"

"I do," sighed Alec. "When I die, Magnus will find a new 'purpose'. Then another. Then a hundred more. One day my name will come up, maybe for being Jace's parabatai, and he won't even remember me. He might start, and think that the name sounds a little familiar, that's the best I can hope for, but he will think that he is imagining things and forget all about it. And I can't even blame him, because I want him to be happy-"

"Alec?"

"Yeah?" Alec looked at Simon, who looked horror struck, perhaps imagining his own future.

"Shut up." With that, Simon pulled Alec into a soft embrace, and for a moment Alec couldn't do anything but stand startled. He got hugs, of course he did. Occasionally from his parents and Jace, and more often from Izzy and Magnus. But their relationships were all so definite. They were all related to him, and Magnus was his boyfriend, and Simon was just… something else. Something irritating and annoying, and altogether infuriating. He was kind, and dorky, and accepting. Alec was hardly even sure what to call him.

"Are you… are you my friend?" Alec almost regretted saying the words. They sounded dreadfully pathetic. He was continuing his still stance, unsure of what to do.

"Yep," replied Simon, as if it was nothing at all.

"Do friends usually hug?"

Simon paused for a moment himself. He supposed guys generally didn't, but him and Clary did.

"I guess not."

"Then why are we hugging?" asked Alec, in that dreadfully straightforward manner he had about him, but the vampire felt the slightest pressure on his shoulder blades as Alec placed his thin arms around Simon's back.

"Because, Alec, I think this is the start of a beautiful bromance." Simon slowly pulled away, smiling at the baffled look of utter confusion on Alec's admittedly pretty face.

"I'm sorry, Simon, but I am not going to cheat on Magnus with you." Alec sounded dead serious, his eyes wide and alarmed. Simon let out a loud rasping noise, which was part way between amusement and disbelief. "Especially not with someone who is seemingly, but uncertainly, going out with my little sister! Good lord, Simon, if she started going out with Magnus I would murder her, so there is no way that I am going to go out with her 'man'. Plus you're younger than me-"

"So was Jace. And Magnus is centuries older than you." Simon didn't know why he felt the urge to point this out, but it was terribly amusing to see the blush on Alec's cheeks creep down his neck as the shadowhunter boy struggled to decide whether he should be mad or understanding.

"That's different, and… I didn't even know you liked guys! You have to tell Isabelle… oh angel, she is going to be so upset. And your thing with Maia too, was that all fake? How could you-"

"Alec, a bromance is just a friendship between guys who are somewhat… close, in a completely non-romantic way, but are sort of weird-"

"Are they _all _gay?" This conversation was probably one of the more normal ones Simon had found himself having with a shadowhunter.

"Actually, no. Most of them are just really sissy straight guys – not to say that you are sissy, come to think of it, a lot of them aren't – who act gay but aren't really… um…" Simon didn't even know how to explain it. "Have you read The Lord of the Rings?"

Alec nodded.

"Like Frodo and Sam, then." Simon wondered if he would have been blushing, had he still been human.

"So they are all gay."

Simon felt like face palming, until he looked up to see that Alec was smiling. Simon felt momentarily normal, just human as he felt the familiar urge to slap someone without literally wanting to hurt them. So he did, just like he might have done to Eric or one of his other guy friends, across Alec's forearm, and laughed when Alec cracked up laughing. The way he smiled and laughed was like there was nothing wrong with either of them. Like Simon was just another teenage boy, and Alec had a firm hold of his sanity.

Even after an entire afternoon of Alec under the influence of a demon, crying uncontrollably into his now tearstained shirt as the boy was tormented within his own mind as they sat by themselves by an uncrowded lake. Even after Alec had told Simon that he couldn't handle anymore. That he would rather die…

Simon smiled at Alec as they reached the Institute, and the vampire almost did not want to let him go. They could just be normal together, away from the Shadow World. But Alec was Magnus's, and being normal was never going to be worth separating Alec from Magnus. Together, they had a purpose.

"Thank you, Simon. I'm sure you are the best punishment I could have asked for." Alec smiled sweetly, as though he were thanking a grandmother for cookies.

"I don't know Alec, I'm pretty sure that you and Magnus could have played punishment, and you would have had a lot more fun…" Simon smirked, and now it was Alec's turn to slap Simon's arm, blushing hard. Simon wondered if there was a time Alec's face was completely pale without those little red marks on his cheeks.

Both of the boys could pretend so well that their feelings were almost real. Their comments off to the side managed to seek release without the usual strain, making them vaguely amusing. Neither of them ever forgot reality, and that made their happiness always fall into a constant state of tragic perspective.

While Simon could joke that Alec and Magnus might have had fun 'playing punishment', he knew that it would have only been heartbreaking. To sob pitifully in front of someone you share a friendly respect for is far from crying furiously in the arms of someone you would bare you very soul for. No, Isabelle had definitely been correct when she had cast Alec's 'punishment'.

Jace was someone who Alec had a deep and thriving respect for, and although they were closer than Simon and Alec could ever be, the raven haired shadowhunter was never quite at ease in his presence. Though not to the same degree, this stood for Isabelle as well.

And Magnus… Magnus was practically at God status in Alec's mind. His adoration for the warlock seemed to be accentuated by his 'illness', but to disappoint your God or king was something which would truly take its toll upon Alec. Being around Simon was easy, like awkwardness could be ignored and not discussed.

Alec was very grateful that Simon had understood his sister's whim with such good grace. He had held him as he cried, mumbling words of comfort as Alec had caused a spectacle of himself. He had held his hand and cradled his cheek in his palm as though it was nothing. No obligation, not forced… like he really just wanted him to feel happy again.

Alec leaned in for another hug, and Simon felt honoured to receive it.

And with that, Alec walked away from normal, and back into the sanctum of uncertainty, missing the normal yet yearning for Magnus's arms to give him the bizarre.

* * *

**I hope you liked that. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I get some really touching comments, and I keep thinking, 'You really think I am good?' It is nice to hear that you like to read this. Like last time, I would like around ten, but there are no consequences… except for me.**

**Aha! But I have motivation for some of you.**

**I… umm… I cannot believe I did this, but the next chapter is slash *ducks head embarrassedly*. Originally it wasn't going to be, but then it was so sweet, and heated, and there was discussion, and I was like 'I do not think the readers will mind, unless it is rape (which it isn't)', and I started to write it, and I kept wanting to write penis all the time, but that would have been weird, so I looked up other words, and it probably gets repetitive, and I had to look up things about umm… sex *scary word!*, and it was weird, and… *goes into half hour rant*…**

**Well, short form is that there will be… sex. Which also means that if you don't have this on story alert or author alert, you may have to look a little harder to find it, because it may have to be classified as M.**

**Sorry, this is a long Author's Note. It is about to get longer.**

**Like I said, I **_**love**_** the idea of Simon and Alec being friends, and so does the lovely Patricia Sage. Here is a fic she wrote a while ago, but which really seemed to fit my understanding of how those two might get along. Review her, and to prove how much I love it, feel free to read my pathetic review.**

http: / www. fanfiction .net /s/6892656/1/Unlikely_Companionship#

**(Remove spaces)**

**Otherwise, it is called Unlikely Companionship and is one of the first to come up in the category of 'Simon and Alec'.**

**Teaser:**

"_**So Alec, how was your day-"**_

_**But said boy simply grabbed onto his hand, pulling him back. He gave him a look – as though he were trying to understand the thoughts which were circulating Magnus's mind – before placing his face in the crook between the warlock's neck and shoulder, pressing light, sweet kisses with an unusual edge of darkness against his skin. Magnus could hardly even fathom the situation.**_

"_**Well, if this is what – Ah!" Magnus gave a pleasured cry as Alec nipped at him, perhaps in a 'shut up' gesture, before soldiering on. "If this is what – ahh, Alec stop – sums up a day with… with Simon, I am g-going to have to… to have to keep you here…"**_

**Thank you all for reviewing… feel free to do it again?**


	27. One With You

**Hey.**

**I know some people are probably getting a little impatient. Some of you may be of the opinion of 'Okay, this is an **_**okay **_**story (at best) but really, I've been reading it for a long while. When will it end!' To those of you who are curious, there are six chapters left. Yes, we are on the final stretch, meaning that soon I will be giving Alec all hell. Also, though there aren't all that many chapters left, I would sort of like to get to 400 reviews *cringes*. It sounds greedy and selfish, but it would be… nice.**

**I am not sure if I captured their feelings very well, but I hope you are able to see that this isn't meant to be forced. I initially wasn't going to write it slash, but then it got like this, and I just did my best to do an 'okay' job.**

**This is actually sort of embarrassing…**

**Random Fact No. 8934: It has been found that males who look at porn with two males and one female release more sperm than males watching just one female. Scientists speculate that this is because guys step up their baby making capabilities when they see 'competition'.**

* * *

Alec forced his way up the stairs to reach his room. Usually he would have taken the lift, but he was tired in a 'I-can't-be-bothered-to-think-of-a-better-alternative' kind of way. He regretted it though. Each step seemed to creek, and he really just did not want to talk to anyone else.

The moment he had stepped foot into the Institute, Isabelle had cornered him and pulled him by the hand into the kitchen, looking like a nervous wreck as she asked how things had gone with Simon. It had not been intentional, but Alec had been rendered unable to answer her questions with anything more than 'good' and 'okay'. Because Simon was 'good' and 'okay'. Alec knew him to be more – a lot more – but he did not have the energy to tell her exactly what it had meant to him that the vampire had been by his side.

Gliding his pale, spidery fingers along the wooden rail of the staircase, Alec momentarily paused and sighed. He probably should have been nicer to Isabelle. He needed to learn to indulge people more effectively, opposed to squirming under their gazes.

_She only looks at you like that because she cares, not because you're weak, _Alec tried to tell himself, collecting his thoughts enough to continue up the stairs, flinching at the creeks as he continued up. He was almost tempted to simply jump down the twenty two steps he had already climbed – he would probably survive – in favour of taking the lift. He just could not deal with seeing Jace at that moment.

Jace, who loved and cared for him, but was entirely useless at the present moment. Yes, the boy could comfort _some _people, but Alec did not really find himself fitting the criteria. When Isabelle or Clary was upset, the boy simply hugged them, or told them that they were beautiful and fine and okay, and that he would never let anything hurt them ever again. Because it wouldn't mean anything beyond those words. Because they were girls, and it was okay to say those things to girls, because it's okay for them to need it.

But sometimes… sometimes Alec needed it. Even after his near fatal crush was over, he still found himself wishing occasionally that someone would pet his hair and say those things to him, even if just to make him feel okay. He knew Jace wouldn't do it – God, he knew Jace wouldn't do it – but he could no longer bear the idea of his stupid hand on his shoulder, or bloody steady looks. It was pathetic, and needy, and insanely stupid, but he just wanted, for once, to be treated that way by someone who wasn't _in _love with him.

And Simon had done that for him. That _thing _had made him bawl like a five year old with dirt in their eyes, but Simon had simply held him close and murmured to him exactly what he needed to hear.

That he was beautiful.

That he was honourable.

That he was worth loving.

Alec finally reached the top of the stairs, grateful that Jace was either too conflicted to see him, or too mopey, and paced over to the room he now shared with Magnus.

* * *

Magnus glared at Alexander's room, the way he had been for several hours. Usually he was very good at occupying himself, but today seemed an exception. All he could think about was Alec.

Alec.

Alec.

Alec…

It was not unusual for the boy to take up extravagant portions of his mind, but usually it was the kind of thought that just lingered in the back of his thoughts, like the ghost of a rare smile, or the beautiful ring of his awkward, yet charming, voice. It was different now.

Left only in his own company for hours, Magnus had been rendered at his memory's mercy, images of the breakfast that very morning stuck on replay in his mind, alongside the ever present concern for Alec and Simon. He hoped that they were both alright, and that Simon knew to comfort him. Alec would never say, not aloud, but he liked to be held. But in the end, as he heard Alec's rune made graceful stride approaching the door, he knew he need not have worried.

Waiting just long enough for Alec to open the door and see that his little shadowhunter was alright, Magnus launched himself across the room, flinging his arms around Alec and kissing him several times. He did not really seem to care where the kisses landed – some on his mouth, others on his cheek, nose, neck and forehead – just as long as Alec could feel them. After Magnus had finished his round of affection, he looked at Alec, who seemed contemplative and almost lost.

"I see you missed me," the blue eyed boy eventually said, before leaning in for a more exact kiss on the warlock's lips. "Which is good, because I missed you too."

Magnus felt like leaping up and down, because Alec was almost happy. Because Alec seemed to be back to normal, except then he remembered that Alec was meant to be mad at him.

"Have you forgiven me already?" asked Magnus, his voice hopeful.

Alec looked startled. "What for?"

Magnus's eyes fell, unable to look at Alec's without remembering for the hundredth time the hurt they had held as he had sent a chair crashing to the ground in a fit of frustration and humiliation as had looked at the taller boy, his innocent eyes screaming '_Why would you do this to me?_' He could not see Alec without thinking of the way he had walked out of the room with Simon on tow, not sparing him a glance.

"When you left with Simon, I thought you were furious with me…" Magnus felt so vulnerable, admitting his own insecurities as Alec stared at him as if _he _were the one losing his mind. "Don't pretend it was nothing, Alexander Lightwood. You were mad at me, or at least-"

"I was confused," admitted Alec, his voice surprisingly strong. "But there is no longer anything that confuses me. Not anymore."

Alec brought himself closer to Magnus, tilting his head up to allow himself to be kissed. Magnus's initial look of surprise was quickly replaced by that beautiful passion Alec had grown to recognise. The warlock cupped Alec's cheek deepening the kiss, allowing his tongue to slip into the other boy's mouth, taking steps forward and causing Alec to stumble backwards into the wall, their limbs still entwined. Eventually, Magnus forced himself away from Alec, guilt creeping over him.

Alec was suffering mental attacks more than once a day, and there he was, looking at him with his back pressed against the wall and arms splayed everywhere, wanting to ravish him. Looking into Alec's serious, innocent eyes, he felt a little disgusted by himself. He quickly tried to forget the situation, turning away and speaking to the other side of the room.

"So Alec, how was your day-"

But said boy simply grabbed onto his hand, pulling him back. He gave him a look – as though he were trying to understand the thoughts which were circulating Magnus's mind – before placing his face in the crook between the warlock's neck and shoulder, pressing light, sweet kisses with an unusual edge of darkness against his skin. Magnus could hardly even fathom the situation.

"Well, if this is what – Ah!" Magnus gave a pleasured cry as Alec nipped at him, perhaps in a 'shut up' gesture, before soldiering on. "If this is what – ahh, Alec stop – sums up a day with… with Simon, I am g-going to have to… to have to keep you here…"

Magnus could feel himself slipping, his resistance ebbing away. Why was he not allowed to want this? He had his Sensor in his pocket, so he would know if this was just the venom talking. True, this was strange, even under normal circumstances, but who was to say that this sort of loving behaviour was automatically bad? It certainly did not _feel _bad…

Alec's hands were seemingly touching him _everywhere_, one simply holding his hip from beneath his boxers, the other twisted lightly in Magnus's hair. Magnus pulled them closer together, Alec's body remaining trapped against the wall, which somehow made Magnus want to touch him, to feel him, even more. Suddenly, Alec's lips were working on Magnus's earlobe, and the déjà vu made him spring apart from his lover, looking him square in the eye. The memory of Alec doing that to him, his pupils so dilated, his lack of control… it was different now, but something was off.

"Alec. Not that I do not enjoy this – I do – but is there something that brought this on?" Alec's eyes were serious, and if he were to stand before his mother and father at that moment, they would hardly suspect him of any intimacies whatsoever.

"Am I not allowed to love you like this? I did before all of this happened, so I hardly see what is so-"

"Yes, Alexander, but this _did _happen, and a lot has changed. You…" Magnus wanted to stop talking. He did not want to hear that Alec was doing some broken act of passion. He just wanted his lips to meet his again and again and again and again… Magnus swallowed his hunger for another moment. "You said you were confused earlier. You said you aren't confused anymore. What was wrong, and what changed?"

Alec stood silent, and Magnus could tell that he had no intention of telling him. He was becoming so erratic… Magnus leaned forward, his arms on either side of Alec's shoulders, pressing his palms into to the wall and trapping Alec in front of him. It would have been so easy to just recapture Alec's lips, but he had to keep his priorities straight. If Alec was simply giving his body to Magnus for a reason, he had to know, even if parts of him really didn't want to.

"Tell me, Alexander," Alec tensed at the sound of his full name, "what confused you so much as you left with Simon?"

Beneath Alec's façade, the boy trembled, and Magnus had to remind himself that he was still Alec.

"What I did at breakfast was very, very wrong," Alec said, his voice steady. "And waking up from that, seeing what I was about to do, I could not believe I had embarrassed you like that. But even then, with the memories of the events happening, I also remembered the way you looked at me."

Magnus felt his stomach drop through the floor. Alec seemed to see his guilt and unease, so he leaned up and sweetly kissed Magnus's temple, and suddenly the warlock knew what this was about.

"Even though I had done the wrong thing, even if it had been inappropriate, you looked at me with…" Alec trailed off, seeing the way Magnus's face looked horrified. He grabbed the warlock's hand and pressed it to his heart. Magnus could feel every human beat. It felt human, even if Alec was now immortal. He had been frightened that it wouldn't, and that Alec's mortal beauty would be stripped away, but his fears were yet to be proven. "Hey… Magnus, look at me…"

Magnus did, and instantly wished he hadn't. The pure, untouchable, innocent Alec had returned. The one that always wanted to hold him, the one who was lovely and always just a little bit frightened. And suddenly those lips were on his again, just for a few seconds, before his head rested on Magnus's shoulder, his lips parallel to his ear.

"I didn't know what to think, when I saw the fear and… _pleasure _in your eyes, but I figured it out while I was gone. And it is okay to think that, Magnus. It is okay to _want _that." Alec's somehow perfect teeth grazed his earlobe, and Magnus felt shudders running down his spine.

And just like that, sweet Alec was gone, and the Alec that seemed to want his touch was back, and Magnus could not even move, his arms still trapping Alec against the wall. He could not for the love of all things beautiful say what his expression was. He felt so torn, so utterly perplexed.

Because he was meant to be what was best for Alec.

Because he had no idea what was best for Alec.

"Alec, we can't just do this because you want to give in to me. It isn't right-"

"Neither is treating me like an invalid. You think that I have somehow lost all of my senses, when in reality I fight _so_ hard to keep them alive." Alec was looking at him, and Magnus could not deny that he looked not only sane, but in complete control. "I have to wake up every single day feeling for myself, trying to make sure I am all there… and a lot of the time I'm not. I feel these unnatural waves of fear take a hold of me, and I know that it isn't right, that it is not me, but I become something so twisted and ugly – "

For the first time since trapping Alec between his arms, Magnus moved his right arm around Alec's neck, pulling his head in so that it sat on his shoulder.

"I can feel myself breaking, Magnus, like a toy held together by straw stitches. I try to keep it together, but it is becoming a case of 'good days' and 'bad days', and I can feel the 'good days' running out, and I just – I just don't know how many I have left."

Magnus could feel Alec's breathing, the slightest strain becoming evident.

Yes, Magnus had noticed that Alec's days seemed to fall into those categories. Usually the days were long, and harsh, with Alec scared and insecure, but there had been times – maybe just one or two – when Magnus could hardly find a flaw in Alec's sanity.

"If you tell me you don't want me, if you really mean it, you know I won't question you." Alec's eyes… usually they were too frightened to even sneak glances at Magnus, but now they were looking into his soul. "But if you want me… if you want me, like I want you… I've always been yours."

"Alec, I don't want you to force yourself to be ready –"

"Did you know that only four shadowhunters have ever survived this condition?" asked Alec, his eyes pleading. "The demon hardly ever comes to our world, so there were never that many cases to begin with – that's why there isn't a cure – but the rest all took their lives, or did something to have it taken from them. Of the four that survived after the effects were over, three were dubbed insane, and were dealt with –"

"Alec, stop it –"

"– any way that was thought appropriate for the time. The other one, who managed to conceal his behaviour, was driven to the point of killing his entire family, before reportedly stating that he wished he had never survived. _No one _survives this unscathed, and just going by that, no one lives on from this to ever face another normal day." Alec's voice was still so strong, and Magnus just wished he could make him forget everything. "I would rather die than live to become like that. I know that my chances are better than everyone else's… but I spoke to Brother Eli, and they are very low."

"But Alec, I thought –"

"So did I, but the chances of me coming out of this sane and in total control of myself… I know everyone just figures that once this is over, I will be fine, but I might not survive this… and I almost definitely will not be fine." Alec just shook his head. "I'm sorry, Magnus. This is why… this is why Jace is losing it. He did some research, and I made him promise not to tell Isabelle, and I tried to sooth him with the fact that I only have half the venom running through my veins as these people did, but he knows that this can't end well."

Magnus could feel himself breaking, as though there was nothing keeping him upright but his left arm leaning him against the wall and the soft whisper of Alec's body against his skin. He felt like a child who had just been told that their favourite toy was breaking, and that no one could fix it. But Alec wasn't a toy, and he wasn't a child… but at that moment he almost wished that he was like Isabelle, who would not have to bear the weight of this burden.

"No – no, Alec, you will be fine. You said before, if you can just make it through this, if you can make it out alive, you will be fine-"

"Brother Eli initially thought that this – everything – would only go on for maybe a week or two. It has been a week, and… they thought wrong. The attacks are usually more constant, but because I do not have as much venom, it is simply being dragged out more gradually… and I don't know how much more I can take."

Alec's voice was trying so hard to stay strong, but in the end it cracked, just another reminder that Alec was breaking too.

"And I don't know how long I have left of feeling like this. I don't know if given another week, I will freak out just by the touch of your hands." Magnus did not say anything, but there had already been times when the warlock had brushed his arm against Alec, only to have him flinch at the contact. "I don't know how long I have left, and I just want to share this with you."

And suddenly Alec's lips were on his again, patiently waiting for Magnus to guide him. It was different this time, as though there was no secret as to what there touches meant. There was nothing dirty, or wrong about the way Magnus held Alec. Just then, in the darkness of the shadowhunter's room, they were equals, for however long it could possibly last. Magnus swiftly pushed Alec against the wall, holding him there and staring into his blue eyes.

"Tell me, Alexander Lightwood, tell me that you are _certain _that you want this. Tell me that you aren't doing this just to please me. Tell me that you are happy to be mine, and I will take you, but you have to be sure." Magnus held Alec completely still, gazing at him with an unseen intensity. Alec kissed his way up Magnus's jawline, nervously, but with a sense of need.

"I am certain that I want this." Alec had found his way to Magnus's ear and spoke in a whisper. "I _am_ doing this to please you, but also to please me. I want you to have this, even if all else is lost." Alec closed his eyes and sighed softly. "And while I am still scared, and frightened, it isn't of the same things I used to be. I used to be scared that you did not really love me, that I was just some form of amusement, but seeing how you have cared for me, I realise that my doubt was unwarranted. I will never be sure that this is right, but I am sure that this is what I want."

Magnus let out a shaky breath of amusement, placing his forehead against Alec's. "You know I have had lovers who wrote me poetry?" Alec's face fell a little, but Magnus continued. "And ballads too. But your words are a thousand times more beautiful than even the sweetest sonnet. Then again, maybe it is just because of you, because you are so beautiful."

Magnus took Alec by the hand and led him away from their position against the wall, guiding him to the bed, before placing Alec down on his back. He looked awkward, just lying there. He did not look like a boy who was meant to rest on a bed as he waited for intimacy. He was too beautiful. He should have been painted as an angel, singing in the heavens. Magnus could not resist asking Alec permission again.

"And you are sure you want to be deflowered tonight?" This time, for the first time, there was a hint of playfulness about Magnus, and Alec cracked a grin. Magnus wondered how many of those he had left.

"Yes," replied Alec, grin melting into a soft smile that Magnus never even had a chance of defying.

Slowly, Magnus took a hold of Alec's shoulder, steadying himself as he hovered over Alec, before he gracefully began his endeavour of kissing every inch of Alec, their clothes seeming to simply fall away, discarded as though they were petals, moulting from a flower. Magnus had to laugh at that analogy.

The warlock could hear the heartbeats of his lover increasing, his breaths becoming nervous, but his expression remaining steady.

"You're sure you want to-"

"Certain." Magnus took one more look at Alec, before sighing.

"You will tell me if you need me to stop, won't you?"

"I won't need to-"

"But you will, if you get too uncomfortable?" Magnus gave Alec a look that clearly said 'This isn't going to go any further if you don't say yes'. Eventually Alec just rolled his eyes.

"Of course."

Magnus carefully slid down Alec's naked form, taking in the sight with pleasure, trailing kisses here and there. Brushing his fingers along Alec's lean but toned stomach, Magnus could not help but tell Alec exactly how beautiful he was, only for the boy's cheeks to flame red. He kept going until he reached Alec's manhood, which stood erect and waiting. Alec was staring at Magnus as though he was frightened for a moment that the warlock was literally going to eat him. Magnus gave a quick smile, perhaps like the expression of a crocodile before it snapped up its prey, and slipped his mouth around Alec's waiting shaft, hearing his lover's restrained moan as he tried unsuccessfully to keep silent.

Magnus rolled his eyes, and Alec quickly found that he had little to no chance of keeping quiet, and was soon reduced to panting groans as his boyfriend worked his magic. Eventually he pulled away, looking at Alec with one last questioning look, only for the shadowhunter to cut him off before he could even voice his question.

"I'm sure."

Magnus graciously nodded, though at that point, it would have taken the world's supply of self-restraint to stop what had already been put into motion. Magnus muttered something under his breath, and Alec heard the pop of a cap and the sound of liquid being spread on Magnus's hands. When he felt Magnus's touch against his entrance, he felt his body involuntarily jump.

"I'm sorry," he murmured embarrassedly. This – along with _so _many other things – had been what he was afraid of. Most people started dating when they are young, and find themselves doing this earlier, and it can be excused. When both parties are a little bit self-conscious and neither is completely certain what to do. Alec was eighteen now, and was flailing before a man who had centuries of experience, and he was making petty mistakes.

"Alec, you need to relax," soothed Magnus. Magnus tried again, this time pushing in. Alec's breathing had picked up, but he had control over his body enough to force it to relax. Magnus softly stroked Alec's thigh, trying to relax him for real. "You trust me, don't you?"

"O-of course."

Alec relaxed a little more, and Magnus continued to prepare him, adding another finger. Alec jerked a little, but soon stilled. Magnus rested his head against Alec's rib cage, listening to his heart and watching his face as he hooked his fingers at the angle his knew would take away any composure Alec possessed.

"M-M-Magnus…? What was… what was _that_?"

Magnus's mouth quirked. He could still remember Alec asking him how two men had sex. Magnus had thought he had been joking, and had laughed at the boy, but realised when Alec had stormed off that he had been serious. When he had found Alec in an embarrassed heap, he had asked him how he could not know. Alec had told him that he knew the basics – the out part into the in part – but he did not know what made it feel good for the so eloquently put 'in part'. Magnus had held Alec, and the mirth of the situation seemed to fall away. Alec's love for him was the only sign that he had even been inclined to like men, the rest of himself had been so hidden that he hadn't even known how it worked… Magnus had tried his best to explain, and he got the impression that Alec understood perfectly well _now._

Magnus pecked Alec on the lips and added one more finger, making his love flinch, but he quickly patted Alec with one hand, and found _that _spot again with the other. Alec's hands were gripping his bed spread, and Magnus wondered if they would tear. After a while, Magnus pulled out and Alec let out a sound, part way between relief and disappointment.

Magnus positioned himself above Alec, taking his face in his palm and meeting his gaze for a moment, before kissing him once more on the mouth. He could feel Alec trembling beneath him. Magnus quickly covered himself with the liquid, before guiding himself into Alec, slowly, only to stop as he knew he would.

Alec had frozen, his arm somehow having found its way around Magnus's back, his fingers biting into his skin as his whole body tensed and shook.

"Alec, do you want me to st-"

Alec made a noise at the back of his throat, before swallowing. "N-no. Just… gently. I'm sorry, I just-"

Magnus swiftly kissed his throat. "No, of course Alec. Just relax."

Alec's body gradually loosened, and Magnus pushed himself in, before stilling, gently caressing Alec's back with his hand.

"I-I… you can move, just… slowly, please…" Alec's heart was hammering, and Magnus just wanted to make him feel better again. If that had meant stopping completely, grabbing out Monopoly and losing for the hundredth time, he would have forced himself away from Alec, even though… even though he felt _so_ very good inside Alec's body. He was so warm, and good, but also… Alec was giving this to him. Something he had never given before – and the thought struck Magnus – something which Alec thought he obviously would not be giving to anyone else.

Magnus pulled out and pushed in very slowly for a while, cradling Alec, trying to touch and hold every part of him, stroking his palm along Alec's throbbing member.

Because this was not some sort of porno, where the eighteen year old virgin is innocent one moment, and rides his master like the devil is at his heels the next. This was Alec, beautiful, real, scared Alec, who blushed when dirty songs play on the radio and Magnus sings along.

Alec's shaking was becoming less pronounced, and Magnus took that as a good sign. His restraint, though he would never lose it, almost hurt.

Alec looked so vulnerable, not like he had before. Most people would just look hot and bothered, or downright horny in Alec's position, with his legs spread to allow Magnus – oh God – _inside him_, but this just made him look vulnerable, and breakable. It scared Magnus, a little, to feel so responsible for Alec.

"You can… I think, if you want, I don't know what, but I think it does…" Alec seemed to be feeling better, and Magnus felt relieved. Alec was so anxious, but he knew where to touch, what to murmur in his ear to calm him down. "You can go a little faster, if you like…"

Magnus grinned, before picking up the pace. He was proud of Alec. This was – with no euphemisms – quite painful. Even with Magnus to guide him, it was inevitably going to hurt, and Alec wasn't one who had really ever experienced anything like this before. Still, Magnus focused on steadily moving faster, sliding his hand along Alec's lower region, trying to stay attentive while thrusting in and out, his rhythm increasing.

It was nice to see the initial apprehensions leaving Alec's face, his former pained expression seeming to be finding itself replaced by a look of pleasure. It made Magnus feel better about loving the feeling of being inside him.

"It feels… ah, angel, it feels –"

Magnus kissed him quiet, and knew that Alec was close. He moved even faster, taking note that it wasn't hurting Alec too much, and stroking the boy in turn.

After several moments, Magnus knew Alec had lost control.

"Magnus… Magnus I think I am going to – ah –I think I am going to – to… soon."

His cheeks were flushed, and he looked so like an angel, sinning beneath him. It was beautiful.

Magnus snapped himself in and out of Alec at _that _angle several more times before he felt Alec's whole body – oh _God – _tighten around him. Alec cried out, not too loud, his voice restrained so that the others wouldn't hear their activities. And suddenly Magnus felt Alec's come erupt between them, spilling all over their stomachs. Magnus could not resist just taking some on his finger and licking it off. The taste was never pleasant, but he just always did it.

"T-that's so… so gross."

Alec seemed to be delirious, his voice barely even coherent. His body was going through spams of pleasure. Seeing Alec like _that_, it only took several thrusts before Magnus felt the familiar knotting in his stomach and inevitable release. Magnus waited to regain the ability to move before pulling out and falling ungracefully beside Alec. For a while, neither of them could even speak.

"H-how do you feel, Alec?" asked Magnus, looking at the ceiling, trying to fathom what they had just done. There was a long pause.

"Tired… sore and… oh God, did that really just happen?"

Magnus pulled his eyes away from the ceiling, looking at Alec with concern. "Are you okay? You don't regret it, do you?"

"I'm fine… it hurt but… how could it feel so good at the same time? And… and of course I don't regret it." Alec's breathing was slowing down, but he still seemed to almost be gasping.

Magnus smirked. "Do I really need to have that conversation again, Alec? I think you already _know _why it felt good."

Alec blushed, and smiled, and grabbed his hand in his shaking one. "I know… I know why it felt good, but also… it was because I was with you. I always thought I would feel filthy and disgusting. Now – now I just feel even more like I'm yours." Alec paused, closing his eyes from exhaustion. "I am yours, aren't I?"

"Yes," replied Magnus, startled by the boy's words. He was so straight forward, and it felt like everything was going to be okay. This was Alec. This untainted boy, free of insanity… he was _Alec_. Magnus quickly uttered a spell to clean them up. "And I am yours."

"Mmmm." Alec was so close to falling asleep. "Is it…" the boy yawned. "Is it true that it gets better, the more you do it?"

"Making plans already? Yes Alec, it's true." Magnus put his arm around Alec, feeling as though after all the pain, excitement and fear of the day, he could drift away at any moment.

"I hope… I hope we get to do it again."

There was a very sad note in Alec's voice, and Magnus knew that he was very well frightened that he wouldn't get the chance to do it again.

"Me too." Magnus shut his eyes, still thinking about the way Alec had been so out of control, losing his usual demeanour and just being his. "Oh, and Alec?"

"Mmm?"

"I love you."

Alec smiled, sleep already taking its claim.

"I love you too."

That night, both boys fell asleep in each other's arms.

Magnus would not even realise when Alec's heartbeat went deadly even, and his breathing went calm and perfectly timed.

He would not even feel the demonic energy, radiating out of his sweat gleamed skin.

* * *

**So, wow.**

**I wrote something dirty, which is really very new for me. I chose not to rate this M yet (unless someone desperately berates me with some message alluding to 'think of the children' simply because there are a **_**lot **_**of chapters which aren't smutty, and it sends out a bad tone for the rest of the story. Still, if this gets on anyone's nerves, I will change it on request.**

**Please tell me how it went. I could really use the feedback for that particular deed.**

**Also, hold onto your hats ladies (and gentlemen) because next chapter is… really something. I am not exactly sure how to describe that something per se, but something it certainly is.**

**Also, I really need to cut down on my autor's notes. In this story, I have written TEN THOUSAND words of author's notes alone. Sorry Guys. Tell me if they annoy you.**

**Teaser:**

_**Alec shook his head, tears falling clumsily down his face. "C-c-can you see it Jace? Can you see the… the blood? I hurt Magnus. I hurt him… so much. And the blood…" Alec's faint little voice cracked whenever he spoke. "It's on my hands, Jace." Alec raised his hands and put them before the other boy. They were completely clean. "He's hurt because I hurt him. The walls are covered in… in his blood. I t-tore his heart out. I t-tore it out of his chest and laughed. D-do you see where I left it? I lost M-Magnus's heart…"**_

**Review?**


	28. Ruining You

**Hey.**

**I am so glad that you all seemed to like my virgin attempt of slash. Hopefully I will get better, but that was my first attempt. I feel sort of gangster…**

**But onto another issue that I really need to brief you on, so even if you don't generally read my A/Ns (which apparently you guys don't mind too much, so I will let my rants go free) READ THIS PART!**

**Okay, being the long and tedious fic this is, a lot of you probably skim my poorly placed essentials, so I need to bring attention to this tiny thing which I have turned into a massive as deal right here.**

**You all remember Alec flipping out over that dream a couple of chapters ago because the demon took over his mind and gave him petrifying nightmares, right? Okay, so during that chapter, it is explained that Alec only gets these nightmares if he is in ****regular**** sleep (ie, not unconscious/runed/spelled to sleep). It was thus given to Magnus as a DUTY to put Alec to sleep every night, otherwise the nightmares would continue to plague the lovely Alec, and all would be lost.**

**And basically, Magnus has been magicking Alec to sleep every night… except he might have forgotten after their sexual encounter… And maybe he just made a very, very bad decision…**

**Random Fact No. 3049712309478: The word 'idiot' is derived from the ancient Greek word 'idiotes', which referred to a person of this time who did not vote in an election. The word was later used more commonly to refer to a nitwit, numbskull, and your favourite Miss Regina Star. **

* * *

It wasn't altogether unusual to hear screams in the morning in the Lightwood Institute. The walls were thick enough to keep privacy, but screams were different. They seemed to slice through the air like a knife. As Maryse and Robert leapt out of their bed that morning, however, they doubted that this was a normal scream.

Sure, there had been episodes where Izzy had actually gotten the boys to agree to eat her breakfast dishes, only to have been _literally _poisoned. It had happened once to Jace, on purpose, though she maintains that she never meant to actually nearly kill the greatest shadowhunter of their generation, and once to Alec, accidentally. Somehow, Maryse doubted that Isabelle had poisoned Alec at 6 o'clock in the morning, especially since she had been forbidden to make breakfast these days.

And the scream that she heard now as she and her husband ran through the Institute to reach their son was heartbreaking. It was loud and shattering, and died away only when she heard a loud crash, as though something had been thrown across the room. She quickly rounded the final corner with Robert on her heels, almost crashing into Isabelle. Apparently they hadn't been the only ones alarmed by what went bump in the night.

Without speaking to her daughter, they continued, reaching Alec's door just moments after Jace, who looked furious as he wrenched Alec's door open. Maryse looked at her adoptive son, before walking swiftly behind him and glancing into the room and feeling her blood run cold with rage.

If this were an ordinary person's room, it might have looked relatively normal. The bed was tragically unmade and clothes littered the floor. Relatively normal, had she given birth to something of the likes of that Simon boy. But on closer inspection, the clothes were not simply on the floor so much as _strewn_ across the room. The room smelled like sex, and the lube which had lazily been kicked beside her son's mattress did not fail to get her attention.

But that didn't even matter.

Not compared to the fact that her eldest son was quivering beneath his desk, clawing at his own flesh with his nails. Not when Alec was sobbing, and shaking and whimpering apologies to… _Magnus_. Magnus, who was trying to coax Alec back to his side, wearing only some underwear. Magnus, who Alec flinched away from as though he had an electric charge.

Without warning, she saw the golden figure of her now youngest son leap across the room and tackle the warlock to the ground. Magnus didn't even seem to put up a fight as Jace struck him across the face, mercilessly.

"You idiot! You Goddamn idiot!" Jace seemed furious to the point to tears, and Maryse wasn't even sure what to make of it. Her confusion was not aided when the quivering mess of her raven haired son crawled out from under the desk with an odd sense of urgency, lightly grabbing Jace's shoulder and pulling him away. Jace could have easily defied him, but he didn't. He simply turned to look at his brother, eyes desperate and angry and… scared. Very scared.

"Alec," he pleaded, slowly reaching up to touch his brother's face. Alec flinched a little, but allowed his hand to remain on his tear stricken cheek. "Alec, _he _did this to you. It's his fault. Whatever you saw last night wasn't real. Whatever the… whatever the illness showed you didn't happen. It's alright now. You're safe."

Alec shook his head, tears falling clumsily down his face. "C-c-can you see it Jace? Can you see the… the blood? I hurt Magnus. I hurt him… so much. And the blood…" Alec's faint little voice cracked whenever he spoke. "It's on my hands, Jace." Alec raised his hands and put them before the other boy. They were completely clean. "He's hurt because I hurt him. The walls are covered in… in his blood. I t-tore his heart out. I t-tore it out of his chest and laughed. D-do you see where I left it? I lost M-Magnus's heart…" Alec's eyes were darting around frantically, looking for something that was beating safely in that idiotic warlock's chest.

Jace turned back to Magnus, who had made no attempt to stand, and lay on the floor, hopeless.

And without a drop of blood on him.

"Alec, brother, calm down-"

"I hurt you too. And Isabelle, but not as much as…" Alec's eyes were clenched shut, as though he were forcing himself to remember. "It was only a glimpse, so brief, but I saw my hands clasped around your neck… I strangled you. Are the bruises s-still there, Jace?" Suddenly Alec snapped Jace's chin up, revealing clean, unmarked golden skin. Alec went ghostly pale and ran into the bathroom, leaving behind only the sound of his wretches. Maryse couldn't take it anymore.

"Magnus Bane, you were given one single simple task. You were told that you needed to put Alec to sleep every night, not an extraordinary amount of magic, and Alec compensates you anyway, and you just neglected-"

"I know."

The answer was weak and childlike, and infuriated Maryse to no end. Suddenly she sympathised with Jace, who had leapt on top of the warlock and struck him.

"You are not a child, warlock! You may be dating my son, and you can act like one all you like – have your bloody parties and be as carefree as you wish – but you and I both know that you are centuries old! You are not helpless. You know better, but you give in and forget, and you have no idea what responsibility is." She could hear her son in the bathroom. The sounds of him being sick had halted, but the sobs seemed to escape noisily. She knew Alec would be embarrassed. "How could you…"

She knew she was saying this for a variety of reasons. She knew that she really ought to be humbled and grateful to Magnus for all that he had done to help Alec – even Brother Eli agreed that he had a positive influence – but that was if she was a normal, rational human being. She tried her hardest, but deep down she was still a mother, who was furious that her son's lover had shirked his duties and had made love to her innocent, broken son in the night.

She turned to look at Robert, begging him for something. He cared for Alec, probably almost as much as she did. She knew he had favoured Max and Isabelle a little more, simply because they were more conventional and visible when he was actually in New York, but she saw the pain in his eyes.

Being a man of few words, Robert turned to the Silent Brother who stood at the back of the room, like a ghost. "What has happened to my son?"

A moment went by, and Maryse almost thought he wouldn't answer.

_He had a bad dream_.

Maryse heard a humourless laugh from Magnus, who was starting to sit up, gazing at the Brother. Out loud, he asked, "What did it make him see?"

_It's hard… to read it with the demon energy, but… it isn't good_._ It wasn't just one dream, either, not like last time. It looks like a hundred dreams in succession._

"Did I kill him again, like last time? Is that why he won't let me touch him?" Magnus's voice wavered with resigned failure. Maryse, against her better senses, perhaps found a scrap of pity inside herself. Not enough to feed a sparrow, but at least she didn't want to throttle him any longer.

_No… it is learning. Learning that Alec would rather die than hurt you… _The Brother Eli sounded almost like he was saddened, or at least felt pity for Alec. And perhaps a little bit bitter towards Magnus. _It made him watch, over and over, images of himself ripping you apart. He had to watch himself tear your heart from your chest and write on the walls with your blood. Sometimes he drank it, or smeared it on his own body. He listened to your screams for hours on end. There were occasional flashes of other things, like the one where he strangled Jace, but it was mostly you._

Maryse felt her knees go weak, but she refused to fall, forcing her body to stiffen.

"And what can he see now? Why does he insist that Magnus is bloody, and that Jace is bruised?"

_You didn't really think that this wouldn't take its toll on him, did you child? _Maryse knew that Brother Eli was only six or seven years older than Alec, but she held her tongue. _He has been fighting it, but you honestly didn't think that he would just win hands down, did you? It's making him see things that aren't there, as to be expected. It cannot be helped that your son is losing his sanity. You are lucky he has fought as admirably as he has. My apologies, but things aren't going to be getting too much better from here._

Maryse felt her heart stop. Alec had been suffering, she knew that, but now… this was so much worse. She felt furious with Magnus, and scared for Alec, and just so… lost. She didn't know what she would do. Not if this continued. She couldn't lose Alec, but he was fading. She quickly went over to sit on her son's soiled sheets, and didn't even say a word as Magnus stood up and entered Alec's bathroom.

* * *

Magnus felt like he was in one of those dazes people always talked about, but never personally experienced. The one where you are so in shock, have so many thoughts hurtling around inside of you that everything just goes numb and stops.

He had felt Jace leap on top of him, and he had heard Brother Eli's words, which had been so close to Alec's own just the previous night. It suddenly made a lot of sense why Alec had allowed such intimacy between them; he had known that something like this would happen.

There had been a lot of bad things – excruciating things – but throughout all of Alec's slips of sanity, he had never stayed down like this. Usually when it passed, Alec would be shy and timid and scared and hurt, but it had never been like this. He had never been rendered to helpless to even pretend that he was okay.

But Magnus couldn't feel a thing.

It felt as though he had hit a climax of fear, and beyond that it was just unreadable.

Alec was hallucinating.

He was actually seeing things which weren't there – blood, of all things – and it was all Magnus's fault. He had known to put Alec to sleep. He had been doing it for over a week, but it had just felt so nice to lay side by side and fall into that beautiful darkness together that the very serenity had made him completely forget about Alec's needs.

He had been so selfish, so ignorant.

And when he saw Alec, clawing at his now bloody arms, shuddering and panting beside a basin dirtied by his own sick, Magnus felt all composure just slip away as he began to make his way over Alec, torn between leaping onto him and crying, and running out of the room and telling everyone else to care for Alec, that he couldn't take seeing him like this, that it hurt his every fibre, and that it was just… it was too much.

It was only when the warlock sat beside Alec, even as the boy flinched away from him, he knew that he hadn't been torn at all.

He would never leave Alec.

"Alec, darling, tell me what you see."

Alec's eyes were drenched in tears. Magnus knew Alec wouldn't let himself be touched, so he spelled his lover so that he would stop ripping his own arms to shreds. What Magnus hadn't been expecting was for Alec to bash his head against the cabinet, adjacent to where he was sitting on the stone cold tiles. Magnus quickly put a stop to this too, though his voice trembled as he muttered the spell. And then another to heal Alec's self-inflicted wounds.

"Is this… M-Magnus, is this real?" Alec's voice was so quiet, but the words were unmistakably there. Magnus sighed, wanting to hold Alec so badly, knowing that he couldn't. That it would only comfort himself.

"Alec, please tell me what you see." It was so quiet. Magnus could faintly here Jace and Maryse hissing at each other outside the bathroom, the older woman sending the others outside, but the bathroom seemed quiet, if not ominous.

"I see b-blood," stated Alec, softly. Magnus nodded for him to continue. "I d-dreamed last night, again. It was like the other dream, where you… where you k-killed me, except… except this t-time, there were more."

Magnus hesitated. Had this been what the Silent Brother had mentioned? "More what…?

Alec's eyes looked even more pained. "More dreams! Last time there was one – just one! This t-time… so many. I k-killed you a thousand times, I heard you scream s-so loudly, and I j-just kept going. Sometimes I was m-me, carving you into pieces, sometimes I was… I was just watching in the shadows… but other times I was you! I watched the twisted ugly smile on my own face as I took you away, and I screamed, and screamed…"

Alec made an attempt to claw at himself like he had been before, but Magnus's spell restricted his movement.

"When I woke up this m-morning, nothing had changed. I thought… b-but I was wrong. On the walls, there was blood… where it had splattered and where I had used my fingers to write with." Alec made a strange noise at the back of his throat, almost like a laugh. "'I love Magnus Bane. I love Magnus Bane. I love Magnus Bane.' I wrote it over and over again. I d-danced around your body, I licked away the b-blood. I c-couldn't stop myself, and it's all still here." Suddenly Alec reached a hand out near Magnus's chest, but he refused to make contact. "Where d-did I leave your heart, Magnus? Where did I put it?"

Magnus felt his stomach tie itself in knots, and didn't even realise that tears were streaking down his face. Alec had been okay last night, hadn't he? He hadn't imagined that he had been fine, he had really been relatively alright, and now…

"None of that happened, my love. The demon is making you imagine it, but none of it is real." Magnus held out his hand to Alec, palm up. His whole hand trembled. "Do you see blood on my hands?" Alec nodded, looking ill. "Touch it."

Alec reached out his hands, and Magnus felt a stab of horror as he saw Alec's own blood beneath his nails. Alec's touch only lasted a moment, but when Alec's eyes met his, there was something new.

"They're dry." Alec sounded astounded as he grabbed Magnus's hand again, clenching it and stroking it at the same time, looking as though he was drowning. "How are they dry? They are drenched, completely drenched. I remember, they were bloody – they still are. I c-can see it, but it isn't there…"

"Alexander. I promise you will be okay-"

"I'm seeing thing which aren't there." Alec sounded appalled, and Magnus felt himself give a shudder. "I knew I would go crazy. I knew I would – everyone knew I would – but I was meant to be better than this. W-why can't I fight, Magnus? I still see the writing on the walls, I know it isn't there, but it won't go away! Agh!" Alec yelled loudly in frustration, which contrasted with his previous soft voice. A moment later the bathroom door flew open to reveal Maryse looking panicked. It only took Magnus a moment to realise that she thought Alec's outburst to be a cry of pain.

In many ways, Magnus supposed, it was.

Alec paid his worried mother no attention as he stood up and looked at his reflection in the mirror with contempt, before looking at the reflections of Maryse and Magnus.

"I want t-to die. Kill me!" Suddenly Alec had abandoned his soft whisper for a hardened, rough plea. He spun around swiftly on his heel, staring at the two figures. "Kill me! Kill me before this," Alec made a gesture at the walls which were stained with imaginary blood, "becomes a reality. Let me die!" Alec made to hit himself again, but Magnus used his magic to stop him, and Alec gave him an uncharacteristic glare.

"Alexander, what happened to courage? You can do this, Alec, I know you can-"

"'It takes a world of courage to live your life, but just a moment's courage to take it away. Be courageous'," Alec quoted, a funny expression crossing his face. "But what if I don't have enough for either? Please, Magnus, stop it from hurting! Just take it all away!"

Alec sank to the floor again, and Maryse followed him, her face showing more motherly concern than Magnus had ever seen from the woman. On her knees, Maryse crawled over to Alec and placed his head in her lap and let him cry. Apparently the 'no physical contact' rule didn't apply people Alec hadn't dreamed of brutally murdering.

"Alexander, don't wish for that. We love you, we all love you." Maryse petted her son's sweat drenched locks of hair as she looked at Magnus accusingly. "Magnus, for all the good that you've done tonight, I think you should leave."

She was right, probably. Magnus knew that he was only fooling himself, trying to be Alec's knight as he sank deeper and deeper into something intangible and unreal.

"No!" choked Alec, startling both of the adults as he wrenched his head away from his mother's lap, looking back and forth between them, a look of sheer horror on his face.

"What-"

"No, you can't send him away! You c-can't! I… I love him. I need him. Please, don't make him go!" Alec was struggling onto his knees, fresh tears escaping his eyes. Magnus wanted to reach out and wipe them all away.

"Alec," Maryse sighed, frustrated. "Alec, that isn't what I meant. He isn't doing you any good. Last night, if he hadn't taken advantage of you, you would be okay-"

"He didn't." Alec was looking at the walls again, like a distracted cat. "He didn't take advantage of me. I wanted it. Look at me now, mother. Look at me, how whatever is left of my life will look like. Can you honestly imagine me doing _that _like _this_? I needed to show him – and me – how much I love him, even if it won't mean anything when I… when I'm like this."

"Alec, maybe your mother has a point." Magnus felt his own heart, still beating steadily even as the rest of him just wanted to wake up from whatever the nightmare was that was taking him hostage. "Maybe I shouldn't-"

Alec had staggered to his feet and nearly bowled the warlock over as he pulled him into an embrace, pushing his face against Magnus's chest and breathing in pants.

"Alec, I thought you couldn't touch me."

"Even if you are covered in b-blood… even if only I am out of my mind enough to see it, I would rather drench myself with your blood that I spilled than let you think that you leaving is possibly what is best. I will only ever be completely… 'okay' when I have you by my side."

Magnus wound his arms around Alec, even as Maryse shot him what must have been the most conflicted glare the world had ever seen, before abruptly looking away the moment her eyes locked with Magnus's. Magnus knew he was unworthy of this, but for a mother to have to watch her son place all of his faith into someone… someone like _him_, it would have been agonizing.

"I love you, Alexander Lightwood. I will always love you, and will be by your side as long as you will allow me to be there." It was as much a vow as a proclamation.

"B-but you won't kill me?"

Magnus stiffened. "No. No, I will not kill you. You do not kill that which you love."

"I know that – I always knew that…" mumbled Alec harshly, stiffening and trembling at the same time.

Magnus instantly regretted his words as Alec winced and pulled away, his eyes replaying the warlock's death in a hundred different ways. Smiling darkly to himself Alec looked up at his boyfriend.

"I love you too, Magnus Bane. Then again, it's written all over the walls."

* * *

**Okay, this chapter is sort of evil, especially after last one's hopeless/hopeful medley. Well, it gets worse, and has (probably) five chapters left (so stick around... please?)! **

**If you have just read this, and gone 'What the devil?', and DIDN'T read the A/N at the start... well, maybe you could read it? If you have read this and found that it made little to no sense, and you DID read the A/N, drop a review asking any queries you have, and I promise to give you whatever answers I can.**

**Teaser:**

**_Alec was kissing Simon..._**


	29. Hating You

**Hey!**

**Guess who's horrible? That would be me!~**

**Thank you all so much for your fabulous reviews, and lovely urges for me to hurry up. It's nice to know that you care enough to actually want me to.**

**I am also really appreciative of all the anonymous reviews. Lately I have taken to replying to everyone's reviews who I can (exceptions are only mistakes on my behalf), and I feel like a terrible person when I am literally unable to thank you, or even answer questions. So thank you CHERRY, Captain Cupcakes, OhButterBiscuits, ****angie a. (sorry, I couldn't find your things) and asereht.**

**As for this chapter… try not to dislike Magnus too much. Or Alec, I suppose…**

**Only four more chapters to go!**

* * *

Alec had stopped eating.

It had started off so subtly that Magnus had hardly noticed at first; for a while Alec would just push his food around the plate, or decline the occasional meal, but now it was not only plainly apparent, but also highly distressing.

It had been a week since Alec's fitful dream, and everything was just… ruined. The shadowhunter had started losing weight, and was walking around like a silent zombie, speaking only when necessary.

If ever Magnus had started to lose hope, it was now.

Looking at the dining table which resided in the Sanctuary, away from prying eyes, Magnus felt like screaming, or crying or – or running away as fast as he could rather than watch his lover fall apart before his very eyes. But he wouldn't run, not from Alec.

But that didn't stop him from _really _wanting to.

Alec's behaviour had become even more irregular, to the point of Sensors being abandoned. The demon had sent some sort of pulse through Alec, a constant stream of demonic energy, which twisted even his general behaviour and made him throw up whatever he ate.

Initially, when Alec had said that he felt too sick to eat, Magnus had not taken him seriously, and had ordered him to at least try something. Alec didn't refuse him anything anymore, and had forced down a few mouthfuls of rice with a look of dutiful determination, before running for the nearest bathroom. Since then Alec had been surviving off mixtures made by Jace and Izzy from the garden, which were enough for him to survive, though he walked around half dead and lifeless most of the time.

Looking at Alec now, with bruise like circles beneath his eyes, his shoulders hunched in and his fingers always shaking ever so slightly, Magnus felt as though he was trapped in a nightmare with no release. He knew it was only he himself who was keeping him here. He could leave – _so _easily – if he wanted to. If he told Alec how much this was hurting him, if he told him how he felt, he knew Alec would let him go, and he could just be free-

But he loved Alec.

He did.

Forcing a smile to come to his lips, Magnus reached across the table and lightly placed his hand on top of Alec's, only to feel him jump beneath him, fear colouring his gaze, before he placed it back on the table hesitantly for Magnus to hold.

"I'm sorry, Magnus," said Alec in a voice so soft it was hardly a whisper. Magnus had grown used to it.

"It's okay, Alec. I know you don't like it when I touch you." And it hurt. So much. Ever since he had woken from that stupid, stupid dream, Alec flinched away from his touch. He had stopped seeing blood after every turn by the end of the day, but Magnus's touch still set him on edge.

The worst part was that it was _only _his touch which had that effect on Alec.

"I'm sorry."

Magnus sighed at Alec's silly apologies. He wished he would stop, or at least maybe embrace him or – or kiss him without the air of insanity which constantly clouded around him. Trying to force back his insufferable self-pity, Magnus turned again to Alec, who had been staring at Simon.

His skin was paler, no longer radiant like a distant moon so much as sunken and untouchable, like that of a fresh corpse. His eyes, though Magnus knew that their colour should have been the same, seemed to have dulled. Even as they displayed his emotions, like Alec, they were stifled. When he lay before Magnus in the evenings, the warlock would look at him throughout the night, swearing that he was already dead between breaths…

"Alec, hey! Alec." Magnus sought Alec's attention, somewhat surprised by how long it had taken him to get it. Alec had become very attached to Simon recently, which would usually have been very sweet, but that _thing _had twisted his innocent affection into something concerning. "Alec, are you alright?"

Alec stared blankly back at him. "I'm fine."

Magnus frowned. "You haven't seen or heard anything that you shouldn't have?"

Alec's expression shifted. It was no longer a case of 'attacks' versus 'Alec' these days. Even when Alec was Alec, he still acted strangely and saw and heard things which weren't there. He had initially freaked out whenever this happened, but lately he had simply put on a poker face and pretended it wasn't happening.

"Depends, did anyone hear that scream three minutes ago?" Looking around the table, at the expression of the others, Alec bit his lip. "Well then yeah, I guess I did."

"Alec, you know you should tell me when these things happen…"

"It sounded real… I figured it was from outside." Magnus knew Alec was just trying to brush it off, so he let him, instead finding himself even more concerned at the way Alec continued to look at Simon, who was talking to Maia. "Why is she here?"

Something about Alec's voice startled Magnus. "She is here to visit you and Simon. With him here pretty much every day, she decided to pay a visit. Why?"

In truth, Magnus was almost a little worried about Simon. He had taken to coming over almost every day, and he looked hungry. After a while, Jace had told Clary to stop coming, and Magnus had been glad for it. She had been miserable, and while Magnus knew that Jace was partially punishing himself, he was also liberating Clary.

Simon had stopped coming for a couple of days after Clary had stopped coming, but had resumed hanging out with Alec when Isabelle had asked him if he was upset with her for making him Alec's punishment. In a strange way, he really seemed to care about Alec, and Alec seemed to enjoy his company.

_A lot more than he enjoys yours, _chimed a voice in his head – his own. Magnus had tried to keep his jealousy at bay, and had even sought out Brother Eli's assurance that Alec didn't have romantic feelings for the Daylighter, but Alec wasn't really being himself.

"I miss Simon," stated Alec, and Magnus felt like he had been stabbed. "He keeps talking to her, and I miss him. Does he not like me anymore?"

Jace and Izzy were staring at Alec by this point, and Magnus swore he saw something akin to a plea in Jace's eyes as he looked at Alec. Ever since Simon had started hanging out with Alec, Jace had tried to be there for him too, but it wasn't really working. Magnus understood how that felt.

"Of course he likes you, Alec. He's just talking to Maia now. She's his friend too." Alec continued to glare at the two, and Magnus was beginning to question how it was exactly that Simon hadn't realised Alec's discomfort. Letting Maia in had been risky, especially considering that Alec hardly knew her, but what were they to do? If they wanted Simon around, they couldn't exactly banish his friends. "I miss…" Magnus felt his heart clench. "Alec, I miss you…"

Alec looked at him sadly. It wasn't his usual rabbit caught in the headlights look, but something faded and tired. "I want to touch you, you know." Alec stopped, and Magnus could tell that he could feel all of the eyes at the table – Maia and Simon included – staring at him. "I… I know I am giving you hell Magnus, and I am sorry, I just… I can't look at you, let alone touch you, without remembering what it felt like to end the immortality of the most beautiful soul in the world." Alec wasn't looking at Magnus, not that he ever really did anymore. His eyes looked at the edge of the table, but Magnus could hear the honesty. It shouldn't have sounded real – the tone he used was _too _earnest, like someone mocking another's belief – but it was real. "I wish I could kiss you, and show you, but please, please know that I love you."

Alec silently slipped his hand out from beneath Magnus's, relief colouring his face the same way disappointment and yearning slid onto Magnus's.

And then, just like it had so many times that week, Alec's mood shifted in a single instant as his head whipped up to look completely away from Magnus to view Simon Maia.

"Why the hell is she still here?" He scooted his chair slightly to look at Maia with contempt and Simon with betrayal.

"Alec, Maia hasn't done anything wrong," soothed Isabelle, who had taken on role of mother whenever Robert or Maryse were out of the room.

"He's nice to me, and it doesn't hurt me to like him!" Alec spoke with a determination, his voice louder than usual. Magnus felt himself twitch at the way Alec said 'it doesn't hurt me to like him'. "It's easy with him, not to imagine him dying at my hand. It's just easier…"

"I'm here," said Jace softly. "I've always been here-"

"It's not easy with you, Jace," Alec replied bluntly. "You're my brother and parabatai and best friend, but it isn't easy to do this with you. You knew what Simon means to me, but you brought her here anyway!"

"Alec, I didn't mean to… umm…" Maia was visibly confused. He had seen Isabelle walking with her, trying to explain Alec's condition as best she could, but it was certainly a difficult thing to do. It wasn't a case of saying he's bipolar or schizophrenic or traumatised. This was something new and worse. "I didn't mean to upset you…"

At this Alec stood hunched over, visibly shaking. In the distance – maybe from Jace or Isabelle, or even Brother Eli who was making his way into the room – Magnus heard a crescendo of the constantly vibrating Sensor.

"Why can't he be mine? Why can't he…" Alec trailed off, his breath catching in his throat as he stared at Simon's perplexed, hungry face. "You're hungry… I can… I can, but you won't… and just for someone – someone…"

Suddenly Alec's body seemingly slouched in completely, and Magnus thought that maybe he was falling. Instinctively standing up, Magnus was stopped in his tracks.

Alec's lips were in Simon's, kissing him deeply with a look of sheer desperate concentration, as though it was his duty, like he was _meant _to, and something inside Magnus just snapped.

For a single moment, Magnus felt a hatred for Alec shoot through his veins. They were in love – they were meant to be happy – but now they weren't. If it hadn't been for his goddamn hero act, they could be in each other's arms. But they weren't, and even though Alec couldn't help it, he was ripping Magnus apart. It was only a moment of such intense anger, but it had been there, even if just for an instant.

He didn't have a right to be mad at Alec. Alec wasn't in full control of what he was doing, he couldn't stop these impulses, but Magnus felt an irrational wave of fury and jealousy sweep over him.

Alec was kissing Simon, and Magnus knew that Simon had no other choice but to kiss him back. If he struggled, Alec would be hurt… but it hurt so much to watch. The way Alec had thrown himself at Simon, so wanting and urgent, and even the way Simon's initial look of shock was fading as Alec gave a sharp grown, and Simon smiled in pleasure-

Magnus knew he should have just run out of the room then. He could have walked away, and Alec could have maybe apologised later, but the warlock's blood ran cold. It was stupid, almost implausible, but could Alec love Simon? The way Simon smiled now, so hungry and eyes filled with need, maybe they had been playing around behind his back. He should have left, but then something else happened, and his cruel anger was flared yet again.

That vampire – that… that _thing _– had pulled away from Alec and was looking at him with eyes that expressed so much pleasure that Magnus just wanted to slap him repetitively to show him how this felt. All of a sudden Magnus heard a voice inside of his head that wasn't his own.

_Get Alec away from him now!_ cried Brother Eli. Magnus tossed the comment aside, gazing blankly at his lover giving himself away, knowing that he would either continue with Simon, which couldn't be helped, or stop altogether on his own.

He hadn't been expecting Simon's mouth to clamp onto the side of Alec's fine pale neck, sharp white teeth piercing his skin and blood flowing down his neck in droplets whenever Simon's mouth didn't swallow it in time. He hadn't expected Alec's mad and radiant smile as it flooded across his lips as he tossed his head and laughed like a child as a monster in human form drained him of his blood. Magnus felt his dinner squirm in his stomach as Simon's tongue darted out of his mouth to lap up the lost blood, his eyes dark and clouded. A new anger burned alongside his pitiful jealousy.

"Get off Alexander now!" hissed Magnus, standing up so fast that his chair crashed to the ground. To Magnus's disgust, the boy suckled faster. Trying to think of a way to get Simon away without touching him, he quickly spelled away Simon's chair, sending him crashing to the ground, fangs trailing down Alec's neck as he fell. Several moments after he was separated from Alec, Magnus noticed Simon's look of horror, but didn't regard it with too close attention.

"Alexander." Magnus was shocked at the coolness of his own voice, but he couldn't find it in himself to pretend that this was okay. "Alec, come here. I need to heal you."

Alec looked at him, eyes guilty as he stepped forward, stumbling, before half falling into Magnus's arms, the warlock reacting just fast enough to catch him. Magnus knew he probably should have held Alec tighter, but he couldn't bear it. Not after that.

_He didn't mean to do that, you know_, said a weary voice. _He couldn't control it._

Magnus accidentally gave a snort. _Which one?_

The Silent Brother paused a moment. _Try not to be mad at them – either of them. You don't understand what Alec's mind is doing to him-_

_And you do?_ hissed Magnus.

_I do, warlock. It is where nightmares haunt and lurk him at every corner. Voices whisper to him and screams beckon him. He doesn't tell you half the time, but every now and then he still sees blood on the walls; the same message every time; 'I love Magnus Bane'. I won't show you what it feels like, but do not doubt that I know how Alec feels. _

"I-I'm sorry Magnus." Alec could hardly stand. He might need more blood.

"Shh…"

"I'm sorry, I needed to. I didn't realise until… until too late how bad… I'm sorry."

Magnus couldn't even think of what to say to that.

_Say that you forgive him_.

And he knew he should have. He had forgiven others immediately for a lot worse _without _an apology, but this felt different. Alec wasn't a fling or one built on seduction. He was Alec, who was meant to be innocent and beautiful and kind, who would never betray him. He was meant to love him – only him. Without a second thought, Magnus knocked Alec unconscious with a sleeping spell and rested him down, turning to face the shocked stares of Jace, Isabelle and Maia. Simon kept his gaze downcast away from Magnus's eyes, and fury took over the warlock again.

"What were you thinking?" Magnus's voice was deadly as he looked at the dishevelled vampire on the ground. "He's ill and confused. How _dare _you give in and feed on him! If you needed blood, I could have gotten you some! He trusts you so much, and you… you-"

"He bit his tongue," laughed Simon darkly. He was resting on the floor,, with a sickening resemblance to a child on a full stomach.

"What?"

Simon started to stand up, the foul stench of blood still thick within the room. Magnus could feel a cold glare from the vampire he began to kneel beside Alec's still body. Magnus was about to swat him away – he would _not _go in for seconds – when Simon gently began to pet Alec's hair with a slightly shaking hand.

"Don't touch him!" snarled Magnus, but something didn't feel right about the way Simon touched Alec so gently and with kindness. "Get your hands off him!"

Magnus felt a stinging in his eyes. He was still mad at Alec. He shouldn't have been – he hadn't even forgiven him earlier – but he felt awful. And now that hideous Daylighter was touching Alec, even as he lay unconscious, the way he should have comforted him.

"What do you mean," said Jace as he walked around the table to fall to his knees beside Alec, "when you say 'he bit his tongue'?"

Isabelle had followed her brother, to reach Alec, frowning. Magnus felt exasperated; shouldn't she be furious as well? He felt so primitive, being angry at – at Alec, who couldn't have controlled this 'urge', but it was there. As well as for Simon, he was also felt angry at Alec.

Simon was still wearing some sort exasperated/annoyed/scared grimace as he looked up at Jace. Jace, who was doing fairly well at keeping his cool, looked at him darkly. Magnus got the sense that if Simon didn't have the Mark of Cain, he would have been floored by now. "He… when he was kissing me, he bit his tongue. I didn't realise what he was doing, pulling me into such a weird kiss until I tasted his blood and I – I lost it…"

Magnus tried to process this, but failed.

"Why would he do that? He – he kissed you. I can understand… you guys have been getting quite cosy lately, but he wouldn't… he wouldn't just…"

Magnus remembered. He remembered the look on Alec's face as he had stared and Simon, the way he had said 'You're hungry'. Alec had looked so concerned and conflicted, as though he were guilty…

Without hesitating, Magnus dropped down to the ground beside Alec, grabbing his lover's pale face and opening his mouth. His tongue had a long scratch which had managed to draw blood across it, as well as a small incision where Simon had bit down. Magnus dropped his hand away from Alec and he felt like everything else in the whole world just dropped away in that single instant as he closed his eyes.

Alec had been feeding Simon.

He was becoming possessive and worrying around the vampire, and Magnus had thought it was all romance in the making. He had thought that Alec wanted _Simon_. That he was sick of seeing Magnus and being afraid, so he was substituting him with Simon, and it had felt so bad, like he had been and discarded.

He had wanted to hurt Alec, just a little. To put him to sleep without the forgiveness he had been giving him since the illness had taken him over. He wanted to let him know that this wasn't alright – he had tried to reason with him like a child, punishing him for breaking his heart.

_When did you stop trusting Alexander? _Asked Brother Eli. Magnus kept his eyes closed, the images of what he had done still playing over and over in his mind. He could faintly hear the others taking Alec into the infirmary, leaving him alone with the Silent Brother and Simon, who was lying on the ground with his face in his hands.

_I trust him_, replied Magnus softly, though it didn't ring true. He had spent the week drowning in sorrow and guilt, watching Alec losing his mind and thinking 'why me?' Why was this happening to him? Alec had started to push him away and forget things occasionally. He had glitches like a CD, and he would do things like _this_, and Magnus thought that maybe he had lost Alec already. Maybe this boy – who sometimes forgot his name and fed a vampire out of guilt – maybe he wasn't Alexander at all. Maybe he didn't trust him at all.

_No, you don't_, replied the Silent Brother knowingly. The man stepped forward, and Magnus swore he looked frustrated. _And cut it with the 'why me?' business. It's hard on you – it's hard on everyone – but maybe you should think 'why Alec?' just for a moment. Did you know that he writes on his forearm, and cuts it to scab?_

Magnus frowned. _What?_

_After that day he forgot your name, he started writing on his arm, and cutting it so it hurt him during the day, so every now and then he would check on the cut and read the writing. He's still there, Magnus. I know you think he's lost, but he is still there._

_What does he write? _Asked the warlock, stunned. He remembered vaguely that Alec had been extremely distraught one day, when they had been eating lunch with Simon and Isabelle. He had gone to say something to him, before stopping abruptly midsentence as though someone was gagging him. Simon had cut in to remind him of Magnus's name, but Alec had been so startled at the strange loss of memory that he lost himself in thought for the rest of the day.

Brother Eli just stared at him for a moment, before finally answering. _He writes out silly details. He writes that Magnus Bane, the green eyed boy, is his boyfriend, and that you both love each other. He writes that Isabelle is his sister, Jace is his parabatai and brother, and that Simon is a good friend and vampire. He is trying his hardest, but I think we both know that he is falling._

The words cut into Magnus. Hearing them from a Silent Brother was even more painful than having thought them himself for hours at a time. _I thought you said he was trying-_

_A drowning man can try his best to call for help, but when he is alone, no one will admire his efforts. Alec can try all he likes, but think of how bad off he is after these incidents so far, and consider that the demon venom within him is learning to short circuit his mind. He won't win this._

Magnus wished he was Simon for just a moment. That it was him lying on the ground oblivious to the horrific conversation playing within the two men's minds. He didn't want Alec to have to keep living like this, but he couldn't bear to watch him die either.

_What are we going to do? Is there anything to make this better for him?_

Silence followed, and it felt like the whole world was just losing itself in nothingness.

_For starters, Bane, I must make you promise to forgive him anything he does from this point on. I have seen his heart and it is without malice. When he kissed Simon, he didn't even register that you might be upset. The demon dulled his reasoning. All he could think was that he wanted to prove himself to Simon, especially with Maia there. He saw his hunger – what he believed himself to be responsible for – and tried to help him. He couldn't help it, and you held it against him._

Magnus winced. _I didn't know-_

_You didn't bother to learn, _hissed the Brother. _I know you resent Alec, just a little, and it can't be helped. I understand that even though you love him, you cannot help but wish that you were somewhere else, that he had never tried to protect his siblings from the Demon of Delusion. I don't hold that against you; it is human instinct. I just need you to forgive him, and he will be happy._

_I do forgive him. _For some reason this sounded like a plea.

_It will only get worse, warlock. You forgive him because now you see reason in what he did. Would you have forgiven him if it had been Jace instead? If he had done it for no reason at all but his own insane longing for another's touch? No, probably not. You need to forgive him, even when it seems unforgiveable, unjustifiable and without reason. Promise me, Bane._

_I-I promise. _It was strange, Magnus decided, the way Brother Eli genuinely seemed to care about Alec, and therefore dislike Magnus. Magnus had to swallow his pride around the man and allow him to ask stupid, childish questions. _How long? How much longer?_

_Undefinable. In terms of demon energy, he is about three fifths through. But like I've told you, it learns how to stretch it out longer, so really, it could go on for another month._

Magnus gulped. He hadn't quite been expecting that. _And there's no cure? Nothing we can do about it?_

At this, the Brother gave Magnus a strange smile, which seemed to simultaneously conceal a thousand secrets.

_That, warlock, is a different matter._

As Brother Eli turned away, Magnus felt the whole world shift, and knew that he was to follow the other man, for whatever that smile meant.

* * *

**A bit of a cliffie...**

**So, the main point of this chapter (aside from the feelingsy things) was that Alec is actually losing it. The demon venom is in his system, and rather than doing a big run up leap at Alec, taking a break, and going again, it is now constantly pelting things at him, with the occasional grand piano thrown in his face. Not only that, but his own mind is playing tricks on him too. But something's coming next chapter, so tune in.**

_**Teaser (my favourite lines of next chapter):**_

_Jace, who was peering at his mother with disbelief, scowled. "Are we trying to learn how to kill Alec? Ah yes, just what he needs. Maybe we can sell his organs while we're at it. That's if we don't hack them up-"_

"_Jace!" Robert slammed his fist down on the table, causing everyone to jump. "Your brother is here and alive. He can hear you!"_

_Jace looked like he was about to reply – perhaps with an apology – before Alec's drowsy voice cut in. "Blood is so… messy. You would have to put plastic sheets on the ground first – remember that, won't you? Especially in the Sanctuary. The smell would put Simon off."_

**Reviews?**


	30. Solving You

**Hey!**

**I might be a little late, but I hope it is worth it.**

**I was surprised at the hopeless reviews I got for last chapter. That is… I thought I had dropped the hope bomb on you all last chapter.**

**Apparently not.**

**Now I feel bad for leaving you all so sad.**

**Well, this chapter is a little uplifting. I know this story is really depressing, and I apologise. Every so often I reread parts, and I have yet to find a truly happy chapter.**

**I **_**really **_**want to write something just pure happy. I am thinking that might be my next project; absolute happiness. There would still be problems, just smaller ones.**

**But I still love angst.**

**I don't know.**

**But we don't have to worry about that right now.**

**If you are someone who loves chapters having theme songs, the song for this would be 'Fix You' by Coldplay. I don't know how it would sound in the background to this, if it would clash, but the lyrics are relevent.**

**Random Fact No. 923847239478: Allegedly, male mouse tears are used as an aphrodisiac to make the females more receptive to mating.**

**Random Fact No. 39043094 (because last chapter I believe I forgot to give a random fact!): Big cats (lions, tigers, etc.) are attracted to Calvin Klein's 'Obsession for Men' perfume.**

* * *

Magnus tried his hardest to look Maryse and Robert in the eye as he gave his best attempt at an explanation, but all he could feel was Alec's head leaning emotionlessly against his arm, expression blank and eyes half lidded. He was pulling the same expression someone pulled when they were already lost; already dead. Magnus every now and then had to stop mid-sentence simply to look at him and listen to the sound of his breaths and wait for a blink.

"What are you saying, warlock?" questioned Maryse, eying Magnus with distaste. Magnus knew he deserved that, and a lot more. Alec's mother had found out how he had treated Alec after he had allowed Simon to feed on him. On top of the fact that Magnus had neglected Alec in favour of stealing his innocence, she had every right.

Alec mumbled something in a soft voice, something that sounded like 'Call him Magnus…', and Magnus hesitated. Alec hadn't spoken the whole time. It was like he hadn't understood a single word he had said. At first Magnus had simply figured that Alec was just in a state where he couldn't speak – it had happened before – but apparently he could. It frightened him that he still didn't say anything in conjunction to the warlock's words.

Turning to Maryse, Magnus continued, "I'm saying that we could end this. I'm saying that – that we could help him."

The possibility of a solution.

He had stood before the Silent Brother and waited patiently for him to explain their possible course of action. It had been hard to stand, just listening to him 'talk', but it was for Alec, and he would have given anything for him to come back to him.

_Not that he has even left_, said a small voice in his mind. But feeling the unmoving pressure resting against his shoulder as he sat beside his love, it was getting increasingly difficult to think of him as truly alive.

"How can we help him, Magnus? How could we possibly change this?" Isabelle sounded more distraught than he had ever seen her. Even when Alec had actually been dying, she had been more sad than anything. Now she was just shaken, whether it was at the thought of a solution, or the potential for this new hope to be stolen from her the same way it had when Magnus had found the bite. Looking at her mother, Magnus found it easy to place where this trait had originated.

It was hard to speak like this in the library as the natural silence of such a building begged to fill the room, to make every sound out of place. Surrounded by books and model globes which all differed from each other, Magnus considered just wandering off and leaving them all behind. Brother Eli could explain his plan, and Magnus could just – he could just rest. For once, he could just rest.

"It isn't a quick fix – it isn't much at all, really, but it could save him-"

"Then tell them to think of something!" shouted Jace. The whole family was there, aside from Clary and Simon. Then again, Magnus supposed they didn't really count. Neither did he. They were all seated around a long marble table, privately at the back of the large room. It had intricate patterns dyed into it, of shadowhunters slaying their enemies. Magnus guessed it must have been old, seeing the drawing of a warlock being speared through the heart by a seraph blade. Magnus wondered if that was what was happening to him now.

Jace continued, "We can't just trial something on my brother. What if he dies? What if he completely loses out? This guy – Brother Eli – he has no business trying to save Alec with something that might not even work. This isn't fatal. Unless we are certain, we cannot just risk Alec like that, especially considering that we won't lose him as it is."

The others were behind him, Magnus could tell. There was doubt – enough to work with – in their eyes, but they weren't about to risk Alec. Or maybe they just didn't realise what was on the line. After a moment, Alec piped up, his whole body seemingly shut down even as his lips moved.

"Die… like death… I could die…"

Jace looked like he was about to sputter something out when Robert touched his son's arm with pleading eyes. Alec sat up, startled for a few moments, before allowing his eyes to fall half closed again, barely looking at the man.

"'Under the wide and starry sky,

Dig the grave and let me lie,

Glad did I live and gladly die.

And I laid me down at will.'"

Alec glanced up at his father's shocked face and cocked his head to the side, smiling. Somewhere in his mind, Alec saw this as some sort of comfort to his family. Magnus could barely breathe.

"Jace always says I never pay attention in class, but I do. That poem was Houseman, from _The Land of Lost Content_. I like it. It rolls off the tongue." Alec gave another smile, before slumping back against Magnus's shoulder. "I can touch you, Magnus. I woke up and all I could think about was touching you…"

"We cannot," began Maryse, trying to twist the topic back to the subject of their meeting, "risk Alec dying. What if-"

But Magnus had reached his limit. "You have no idea! Don't pretend that you know when you have no idea what this is. Please just listen… just… just listen." Magnus felt tears in his eyes, but didn't have the will to swipe them away. At that moment, Alec's shaky hand pressed itself against Magnus's cheek and wiped them away. When more came, he leaned up and kissed them softly away until Magnus broke down altogether and Alec just treated him with gentle touches and kisses, holding Magnus against his delicate, frail body. It was times like this that Magnus was reminded that he still had something to fight for, and it made him feel like he was failing more than ever. Alec was still there and he needed him.

After several minutes of crying against someone so broken that they could still hold him in such a tender embrace, Magnus found it in himself to retell the Lightwoods of his conversation with the Silent Brother.

* * *

Magnus had followed the man into a room with vinyl flooring and lights reminiscent of a hospital. The room had desks and computers, and looked as though it was being used for research. The warlock felt a faint rush of excitement. It Brother Eli had found something… it could change everything.

Perching himself on the top of a clean desk, Magnus faced the Silent Brother head on. _So you think you have found something? Something to save him?_

Magnus felt something akin to nausea rising up within him. The idea of Alec being safe again – cured even – made him sick with anxiety and hope.

_You realise that there have hardly ever been any cases of this 'illness', Bane. I wouldn't be getting too giddy._

Magnus scowled. It was painful allowing this stranger access to his mind, but he could never be bothered to even attempt blocking him out. _Do you have something or not? If you don't, I would be better off the sit with Alec-_

_Rest assured, warlock, I have something. But…_ Brother Eli's internal voice faltered, and Magnus gazed up at him, eyes suddenly sharp._ But you have to know that this isn't a cure. I can't… I cannot find a cure._

Magnus stared at him in disbelief. _The Silent Brothers are amongst the greatest minds in the world. They have cured far worse, and you're telling me that you have so little to show for it?_

_You don't understand, warlock_, insisted Brother Eli softly._ I… there's only one of me. I have tried to find something for Alec. I tried to – I tried to ask my brothers to stay and help, but they have other things to do-_

_Anything_. Magnus felt a weight on his chest, as though his sudden wave of fury was crushing him. _Anything money could buy. Any sum, any service, I would give it to them._ Magnus swallowed. _If it's me they have problem with, I will stay away, just as long as they could-_

_It isn't you they have a problem with_, replied the Brother, with a strange edge. _They know you, you and your little shenanigans. No, they understand you, that you are just and 'free', but they don't… they don't know Alec._

Magnus could only look at Brother Eli._ Alec's the problem?_

The deformed figure bobbed his head, the way someone who made noise might laugh. _Not everyone knows him, Bane, but everyone thinks they do. They don't see a shy, innocent little shadowhunter with an insanely obvious blush and pure, intense eyes. They see some sort of whore who publically smooched _you_. You who had been in possession of so many others, playing with some cheap defiant slut who wanted to rub it in the faces of the conservative warriors of the angel. How did you think they would take it?_

_B-But… but Alec isn't… he isn't like that. He's not. He's a Lightwood. Doesn't that mean anything? _Magnus had seen the looks some of the shadowhunters had given him, but he never thought it was like that. When they ran into some shadowhunters, they would raise their eyebrows at Alec, as if being wary.

_Being the son of exiled delinquents, the adopted brother to the boy who got into all sorts of trouble for almost nearly being Valentine's son and the girl who notoriously plays around with Downworlders? Yes, I am sure being a Lightwood did him many favours._ As if predicting Magnus's next question, Brother Eli continued. _They get away with it because they are great shadowhunters. Isabelle and Maryse are amazing shadowhunters point blank. The fact that they are female only makes them more impressive. Robert and Jace are infamous. Alexander is good, but he doesn't have the same feel for it. He doesn't want to live as a killer, even of demons. For him it is duty, but not what defines him._

Magnus tried to look past this. Look past that hundreds of shadowhunters thought that Alec was just prostituting himself out to him. Magnus knew that many knew otherwise – many looked up to Alec – but those who didn't know could only speculate how they felt for each other.

_So why didn't the other Brothers stay to help Alec? They got to see him, to realise what he truly is._

Brother Eli nodded. _Indeed. They actually didn't mind him so much, but it was only ever akin to indifference. Honestly, with Alec's reputation and a society in melt down, he isn't top priority._

_Then why did you stay?_ Brother Eli almost seemed to have feelings for Alec – not love, but something gentle, that flared up at the warlock when he did his lover wrong.

_Because I doubted him so much. I had read the minds of so many people that simply thought of Alec as dirty that I thought the same. It wasn't even a homophobic thing; I just thought he brought shame to all shadowhunters. When I was ordered to care for him, I didn't even want to look at him. His shameful face with such filth… but then I did. I saw him with those bleeding marks, his mind being warped while images of you and him, gently holding each swirled around in his mind... sometimes I would just sit near Alec, simply to listen to the inner workings of his mind, how he thought of you loving and kind one second and powerful and destructive the next. But always beautiful._

_Did he think of me often? _asked Magnus, though he hardly knew why. Would it really make a difference?

_You doubt that he still loves you, don't you? _There was something angry about the words, as though each vowel and consonant were a lashing. _You are _all _he thinks about. When he feels unsecure, he thinks only to please you. When he is glad, he thinks only to make you smile. When he sees you so obviously miserable, all he can think of is what he did wrong and what he can give you to make it better. When he isn't thinking about you, even if he just veers off course for a moment, he scolds himself. He is always frightened that he might forget you, and he can't bear it. Don't you _ever _think that he doesn't care for you. Don't you even _dare_._

_I just… I-_

The Silent Brother cut him off. _I know how you feel, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to stop it. Now, have you ever heard of the wife of Hansel Penhallow?_

* * *

Maryse was staring at Magnus, frown deepening her stern age lines.

"How does Margret Penhallow have anything to do with this? She was just some crazy – I mean… warped woman who killed her husband, wasn't she?"

Magnus smiled. "So you have heard of her."

Maryse shrugged. "I would have assumed everyone had. She was in a relationship with Hansel in the early 1900s. He started out charming, but soon turned into a bit of a rough drunkard. Hardly anyone even blamed her for what she did in the end. That _man _drove her to it."

Isabelle frowned. "I haven't heard of her." Before anyone could speak, she continued, "And I hardly see why she would be relevant."

Before Magnus could explain who she was, Maryse beat him to the line. "Margret Penhallow was renowned for being a very clever little girl, until being a very clever little girl was a bad look for what was meant to be a 'lady'. The boys thought she was a cute little hot head, so they rushed to court her, but she didn't rush things. Not until Hansel came along, with all of his money. They married, and he lost interest in her and started drinking and gambling their money away-"

"Still don't see how she is important to this!" Isabelle hissed, glaring at her mother and Magnus as though they were on opposing sides.

"I don't either…" Maryse looked at Magnus, before taking his cue to continue. "Anyway, she was clever, and got sick of him stealing away what was a crumbling fortune. People began to notice how she started pouring over books, and seemed not to go out for a considerable time. She told them that she was working on something, until the day of Hansel's curious death."

Jace, who was peering at his mother with disbelief, scowled. "Are we trying to learn how to kill Alec? Ah yes, just what he needs. Maybe we can sell his organs while we're at it. That's if we don't hack them up-"

"Jace!" Robert slammed his fist down on the table, causing everyone to jump. "Your brother is here and alive. He can hear you!"

Jace looked like he was about to reply – perhaps with an apology – before Alec's drowsy voice cut in. "Blood is so… messy. You would have to put plastic sheets on the ground first – remember that, won't you? Especially in the Sanctuary. The smell would put Simon off."

Magnus put an arm around Alec, and felt something inside of him scream as the boy, who was so young and alive, smiled madly into his arms as he nestled into Magnus. The warlock could only eye the others frantically.

"It doesn't matter why she killed him. It's about how he died."

* * *

_What would we need with a mad woman's Murder 101? _asked Magnus, getting tired of listening. He just wanted Alec to be safe again.

There was a frustrated silence from Brother Eli, and Magnus knew that he was missing something.

_Look, warlock. The questionable circumstances of Hansel's death were there only because he died from the sting of a demon which usually doesn't kill. Its venom is generally combated by the angel blood within a shadowhunter's body, simply because it takes so long for it to reach a climax that it breaks down in the system. Hansel shouldn't have died._

_So what? He was poisoned, right? That's what they were saying at the time. _Magnus could remember the rumours at the time, that the strange woman had poisoned Hansel while he was ill. No one blamed her really, and charges weren't ever pressed.

_Before she died, some of my Brothers visited her. Many of them are dead now, but their discoveries were archived. During this visit, she shared her tale of a substance that speeds up the climax of an illness. That was how she killed Hansel; she injected him with this substance, and the venom in his system attacked so fast that he couldn't fight it off and died. That night she sped up her own death before she could be executed by the Clave._

Magnus sat for a moment, confused. _So you want to speed up Alexander's attacks?_

The Silent Brother gravely nodded his head.

* * *

Alec looked at Magnus, his eyes clouded over, as though he was hardly awake. "Are you trying to kill me? But you've just told me, Magnus. It's not a surprise anymore…"

Magnus shook his head, trying to ignore his words.

"I-if we can speed up the venom in your system, we can get all of the reactions over faster, and you won't have to suffer for as long. We could get the demon venom attacks all over in a few goes, and then you wouldn't have to go through as much. We could-"

"You can fix me?" Alec had straightened up in his chair, a smile reminiscent of a child's as they opened a Christmas gift befalling his face. "Then you would… then you wouldn't mind me so much. Then you could love me again-"

"I do love you!"

"-like before," Alec finished, a little quieter, the hurt so real that Magnus wondered if he was just fading in and out of semi-unconsciousness. "You could love me like before, when you didn't have to watch me all day because I might try to hurt myself, or someone else. You could speak to me gently without it being for the sake of avoiding terrifying me. You could… you could like me again, just being around me, instead of feeling obligated to hover around your stupid, crazy, stupid, stupid boyfriend."

Magnus looked down, ashamed. He had been treating Alec like a child, and had just assumed that he was too far gone to realise that half the time they spent together was just him taking precautions. Magnus cleared his throat, turning to Alec's parents and siblings.

"Two shots. If we could inject Alexander with two shots of this liquid, we could force all of his attacks out in two massive attacks. This isn't terminal, so it won't kill him. As long as we avoid him going into shock, he will be fine. It will all die in his system, and it won't touch him after that. Then we would just have to nurse him back-"

"You're right, Magnus," said Maryse, her voice hard, "it isn't terminal. But won't this send him absolutely over the edge? Two enormous shots of this thing for what was meant to be weeks? It will traumatize him. You have no idea-"

"I know. I know what will happen. I know that after these two shots he won't… he will be in worse shape than you have ever seen him. But at least then we could take care of him. None of my spells – or your runes – helped him during this because the venom wouldn't allow it. We were useless and could only watch. If all of it left his system, we could help him. It might take years, but he could be okay. I would look after him-"

"Which you have been doing _so _well till now, Magnus," drawled Jace.

That did it.

Magnus stood up, quickly, but careful not to startle Alec.

"Look at him. Look at him and tell me that you can see him alive in another month!" Alec looked round the table blankly. "He won't eat. Your herbs can't help him forever. He is practically a skeleton as it is. Do you think the Clave _won't _find out about this? He hurts himself, too, in case you hadn't noticed." Magnus grabbed Alec's hand angrily and lifted it, revealing large scabs on the boy's fingers where he bit and picked at them. "He offered his neck to a vampire. He has no sense of self preservation, and offers his life away every chance he gets. Look me in the eye, and you _tell _me that you think that he will live through this, and you can have your own way, but if he dies, _you _are responsible!"

Magnus took his seat beside Alec again, and felt a stab if guilt when he saw Alec trembling.

"I'm sorry Alec-"

"I won't hurt you, ever Magnus," said Alec, eyes wide and earnest. "I won't ever hurt you. I remember sometimes, thinking about how I did, and I can't stand it. I try to remember that it hurts when you scream… when I make you scream, so I…"

Alec pulled up his sleeves, and the entire table seemed to inhale a breath.

Along Alec's arms were words left in permanent marker. There were some older faded marks in neat pen, but they had gradually turned into frantic sharp words. Alongside each word was a deep cut.

"I needed to remind myself about you." Alec stared down at the table. "I needed to make sure I never forgot about you, that you are precious and important, and to never, ever hurt you. I'm sorry…"

Magnus grabbed Alec's arm and pulled it closer. Alec ducked his head, his face bright red as Magnus read the words scrawled across his flesh, flinching at the deep scabbed cuts. The bold marker was so rough, spelling out simple words and phrases under the title 'Magnus'. Some were short, like 'beautiful', 'amazing', 'love' and 'gentle'. Others were phrases, like 'never harm him', 'you love him' and 'beautiful green eyes'. There were more than a dozen others, but they were all so messy that Magnus couldn't decipher them. Just little things about him, as a reminder to Alec. It was painful to look at.

It suddenly occurred to Magnus that he should have seen these marks. If he had have been paying any attention, he should have noticed them while Alec showered, or when he was getting changed, but Alec had asked him to look away, and he had never thought anything of it.

Isabelle had rushed around the table to kneel beside Alec, just brushing her graceful fingers along his countless scratches and ugly written reminders, and Alec smiled down at her, the way older brothers do. After a moment of staring at the siblings, the remainder of Alec's family joined Isabelle. While Jace and Isabelle talked in hushed tones with their brother, Maryse and Robert slipped over to Magnus's side.

"He won't survive another month, will he?" asked Maryse, her voice uncharacteristically timid. "No matter how well we look after him?"

"There are blind spots. He shies away from me and you, and insists on going out with Simon. I didn't even realise he was doing… that." Magnus looked sadly at Alec, who was laughing lightly as he tried to push down his sleeves as Isabelle said something to him, though her expression showed only the slightest flicker of humour.

"Fix him." Robert clasped a hand on Magnus's shoulder and looked at him, his eyes conveying the fear of losing another son. "So long as it works, I put Alec's life in your hands, just as he does. Anything to keep him from… to keep him from dying."

Maryse just stared at him, her cold eyes portraying an ever so slight sign of warmth. "If you save him, and this works, I might not kill you."

The threat seemed empty enough, and with that the parents sat beside Alec, Robert's hand on his son's elbow while his wife placed an arm around his waist. Magnus didn't know why, but for some reason felt as though his presence beside his love might be unwelcome.

Catching Alec's eyes, he turned to leave, before he heard Alec speak to him, voice quiet.

"Always, Magnus. I always want you…"

And Magnus couldn't figure it out, but somehow his body dragged itself to sit beside Alec and just rest in his arms, thinking about the past, and praying for a future.

* * *

**I hope you all liked it.**

**Hopeful now? A little bit?**

**Teaser: **

"_We will dance, when I am better," declared Alec. "We will dance, just like this, unless you try to get me to 'groove' again."_

_Magnus laughed softly. "Would it work?"_

"_I could jump around like an idiot for you. But isn't this more romantic, more beautiful?"_

_Magnus looked at the lines of growing fear and hesitation which Alec's mood was smoothing away from his features. The way his hair was messy and dirty, but was perfect all the same. How he looked at him, bow he breathed in and out like this happiness was real._

"_It is very beautiful."_

**I thought to give you all something happy before… well…**

**Since we are coming to a close soon, if you are reviewing, could you please tell me who your favourite minor characters are? That is, anyone aside from Magnus and Alec. I am prepared to see Simon win this easily, or even Jace, but can I just tell you all that I **_**love **_**Brother Eli. I really do. He probably ties with Simon for me. He actually sort of loves Alec, even if he never really says it.**

**So yeah. If you want to review, feel free to tell me your favourite minor character has been (thus far) and why. Maybe eve your favourite moment. You don't have to, but it would be a bit of fun.**

**I'm curious.**


	31. Hurting You

**Hey!**

**Sorry this is a little late. I had camp. Plus I was holding out until I finished next chapter, but it was hard, so right now I am cheating a little.**

**Thank you to all of the reviews and favourites and alerts, and heck, hits. It means so much. I never thought I would be able to see this through, I am. Unless I die sometime in the next month, this is all going to end really soon.**

**And I am coming up to my one year anniversary. Oh my lord, it is so weird that I have been going at this for a whole year. I'm sorry it took so long. But umm… I was thinking maybe I could give you all the final chapter on the 11****th**** of March (the day I first posted this, one year ago). So that means mega fast updates. I don't really know if I can do it, but it seems like a cool idea. Who's with me?**

**So if that be the case, does anyone know which country's time goes by? And umm… well, that would mean updating in five days, then six days. I sort of… don't want to jam it in too tight though. Well, tell me what you think.**

**Random Fact No. 30941093489: Research shows that f****ive types of women that men tend to avoid are serial flirters, someone who talks about marriage too soon, clingy women, the party-girl, and a woman who talks too much or is drama queen.**

**And thus I have been labelled undesirable.**

* * *

The room was lit in a way no one really should have paid attention to. It seemed ordinary, almost typical, but Magnus could only stare at the window. The light…

The sun was streaming through the window as the sun rose to noon, almost seeming to salute the day. Through the windows, the light seemed to glow like magic, the whole scene blurring together.

It was a beautiful day, and Magnus longed to go outside. He hadn't, not for more than an hour at a time, but he missed the sun. The way it could make a day glorious or average simply by shining through a season. He wanted it back.

He wanted his life back.

Alec was lying on the hard, cold floor, looking up into the virtually perfect day with a warm smile. It wasn't real – nothing ever was anymore – but it seemed to light up his face just enough for Magnus to form a small smile of his own.

"It's a nice day out!" exclaimed Alec, and Magnus knew he was having one of _those _days. One of the days where nothing was bad, and everything was perfect. Magnus had learned to cope with those ones, but it was always disastrous when Alec fell from the high. Sometimes he cried for hours at a time.

"That it is."

Magnus crouched beside Alec, taking his hand.

Sometimes he wondered if he could take another's hand, just like this. If he could hold someone's hand, and just feel happy. It didn't have to be love or longing, it could just be for glee or fun. He could go back to his apartment and go to parties, and never worry about Alec. Maybe he could use some sort of spell to forget about him, or his whole life, if it would just rid him of this. And he could come home every night to someone who would fight him, make love to him and adore him, just like he had for years.

He could just go back to normal.

He could go from man to woman and love them until one of them got bored, and walk away. He could play in the night with vampires and never give their lovemaking a second thought.

He could go back to something easy and mindless.

"Wanna lie down?" asked Alec, looking eagerly at Magnus.

Magnus smiled sadly, "I thought we agreed that we were going to try and fix you today, remember?"

Alec pouted, before grabbing Magnus from around the waist and pulling him down on top of him and holding him tightly in his arms, so innocently and childlike.

And that was why.

That was why no matter how much easier it would have been to fake a relationship under the bright lights and dark alleys of a life he had lived for decades, Magnus wouldn't give what he had with Alec up. Not until he were out of breath and had nothing left to fight for.

Magnus stroked Alec's fringe away from his eyes, trying to stain the image of them laughing into his mind. Even if the happiness wasn't real, he could always pretend.

There was a sudden throat clearing and footsteps, and Alec's expression brightened even more as he kissed Magnus's cheek and looked up to the door.

"Hello father! Mother! Jace and Izzy! I feel like I'm listing reindeers!" Magnus laughed at Alec's face, such ridiculous happiness, and shook his head. Alec was standing up, still glancing at the figures as they came in like a procession. "And Brother Eli! I forgot you. I'm sorry."

Alec shot them all an enormous smile, and they all murmured back greetings, aside from Brother Eli, who let his words be heard by everyone.

_Hello, Alec._

Alec practically radiated cheer as he heard the Silent Brother's response. Brother Eli was looking questioningly at Maryse, who gave a slight, annoyed nod. Brother Eli was mocking her, just a little. After Magnus had given the explanation, she had demanded that next time, and every time, Brother Eli would tell everyone anything related to Alec.

Alec had sprung up, and had rushed over to see his family, leaving Magnus to look wistfully at the scene before him.

It wasn't often that he would just get to observe Alec talking to his family. Usually he wasn't able to, but days like this were almost good. He still couldn't eat, but he would play innocently with Simon without worrying him, and chirp on at his siblings about things that didn't really matter. It would have been a mercy, days like this, if Alec didn't fall so far straight after them. The day after, Alec would be inconsolable, and would try to hurt himself in any way he could. Usually Magnus had to just put him to sleep, but it didn't always pass.

But today was special.

Alec was waltzing with his sister and laughing like a child, before Jace cut in and demanded a dance. Alec had raised his eyebrows, before smirking and taking Jace's hands and spinning his younger brother in neat little circles while Isabelle grinned from the sidelines. Maryse and Robert were linking hands, though Magnus suspected it as a comfort opposed to a sign of affection.

Because this was all just an elaborate way of saying goodbye.

Magnus couldn't help but wonder if Alec knew.

Pulling himself up, Magnus strolled over to Alec and placed a delicate hand on Jace's shoulder and looked at him. Jace understood and bowed as he stepped away from Alec, giving him a soft, helpless smile.

Magnus walked up to Alec, closing his eyes and bowing his head, and holding out his hand. Smiling graciously, Alec took his hand and allowed Magnus's arms to find his waist.

And they danced.

Alec nuzzled close into Magnus's chest, arching his neck into Magnus. He was warm, and felt so human and soft. He was only wearing a plain black pair of pyjamas, but Magnus could not help but think of them both dancing in a whole other world, away from grief and heartbreak.

He missed that world.

"We will dance, when I am better," declared Alec. "We will dance, just like this, unless you try to get me to 'groove' again."

Magnus laughed softly. "Would it work?"

"I could jump around like an idiot for you. But isn't this more romantic, more beautiful?"

Magnus looked at the lines of growing fear and hesitation which Alec's mood was smoothing away from his features. The way his hair was messy and dirty, but was perfect all the same. How he looked at him, how he breathed in and out like this happiness was real.

"It is very beautiful."

Eventually, with one final dramatic movement, Magnus ended their dance, and glanced over at the others.

"Are we ready?" he asked, looking pointedly at Brother Eli.

_We will be, once you all leave_, he replied. Magnus felt Alec's hand grip his sleeve tighten, and his eyes fall.

Alec's family had moved over to him, to hug and kiss him, as if saying farewell. Magnus stood still.

"This isn't going to be easy. You need someone to hold him, and tell him he will be okay. I could do that-"

_Warlock, this isn't going to be easy_. _He will be frightened, and may react violently. It will be like nothing you have seen before._

Magnus hesitated, remembering how Alec had woken that one morning, clawing at himself, but shook his head. "What were you intending on doing then, hmm?"

There was an uncomfortably long pause. _I was going to bind him up…_

The Brother looked guilty, and Magnus glowered at him. "I'm staying. I am a warlock; I can heal faster than a shadowhunter, and I love him. I will stay and look after him."

The Silent Brother made no further objections, and though Maryse looked as though she was about to pipe up with something, she eventually let it go, and gave her son a kiss on the cheek, whispering something in his ear. Magnus wasn't sure what it was, but it made Alec smile again.

And then they were alone.

Magnus sat Alec down on top of his knee as they went over to sit on a long classical couch, made from a fine wood and elegant cushions. Alec almost seemed to be bouncing up and down atop Magnus.

"I'm gonna be fixed! I'm gonna be fixed!" he whispered delightedly, and Magnus kissed his neck, grateful that the human contact wasn't bothering Alec. After a moment, Brother Eli approached, his cloak dragging across the floor, an injection in his hand.

_This is one of two doses. We are giving Alec the next one in a few days._

Magnus nodded, looking at Alec, who didn't seem fazed.

"And then I will be better?" he asked. Because that was all that mattered. And Magnus felt sickened by his motives. Turning to Magnus, Alec said, "And you will love me! You will love me, and it will all be better. We will not be sad anymore!"

And even with the forced smile upon his face and the bright glow he wore so beautifully, Magnus could see that somewhere inside Alec was the little innocent who was being held captive, wishing that they were together again.

And even though the injection which followed would hurt Alec, it seemed worth it, to get that boy back.

Without another word, the Silent Brother took the injection and pierced Alec's skin, taking with him Magnus's hopes.

* * *

Magnus looked at Alec, who was lying on the floor beside him, shaking hard. Magnus made to touch him, comfort him, but he couldn't even get close. His screams only grew louder.

Magnus felt something in himself being crushed, his eyes prickling as he felt blood streaming down his face, limbs and chest.

"Alec, I can fix it. Look." Magnus tried to crawl over to the boy's side, but the closer he was, the more he cried. Magnus began to heal the long cuts all over his body, if for no other reason but for Alec to know that he was okay, but Alec was broken.

"You should have told me!" yelled Magnus at Brother Eli, who was watching Alec from a few feet away. "You should have told me that… that this would happen!"

There was a pain running through Magnus. There were new bruises and cuts all over him, and a few bite marks. But that pain was ebbing away as he cast spells over the flesh, bringing it back to its usual standard.

_I did. I told you Alec would get violent-_

"I meant that I would lose him!" Magnus had thought he would be okay. Not good, but maybe in a state of human suffering. He hadn't anticipated this. "You told me that it would bring on half the attacks he had left. He doesn't… he can't even speak. He can't comprehend a word. How could this get any worse? How could it get any better?"

_It would have been worse, if you had have built up to it. It is better this way-_

"Maybe I could have looked after him, if I had have gotten the chance! Goddamn it!" Magnus was swiftly healing a long scratch on his left forearm.

_Of course you think that. Everyone thinks that. It is human nature to think that you can make these things better, but it was better this way. We had spells on him to prevent him from going into shock. It was faster-_

"It went on for hours!" Magnus could feel his breath going ragged. He could remember Alec's flickering expressions as the injection had taken a hold of him, bringing up so much of the venom. He had gone from delighted to in agony in a matter of seconds. And then he had screamed and screamed and screamed. Magnus had tried to comfort him, but Alec would only fight him off and try to bash himself against the ground, or rip himself apart with his own nails. "I had to watch him go through… go through…?"

_I don't know, warlock. The venom clouds his mind. It becomes hard to read. I do know that it was… very bad. Like a thousand horror movies playing into his mind. Glimpses of him slicing apart his loved ones, hurting you… killing you… and when he woke up…_

Magnus looked at Alec again, who was shaking on the floor. Magnus had never let him go. Not through the entire ordeal. Alec had screamed in his arms and hurt him, but Magnus hadn't cared. It didn't matter. Not as long as Alec was unharmed.

Magnus silently crawled over to Alec's side. His screams had calmed down, and Magnus supposed he wouldn't be quite so frightened of him anymore.

"Hey Alec," he said softly. He still had bruises on his stomach, and maybe a few cuts here and there, but it didn't matter; Alec couldn't see them anyway. "Can you hear me?"

Alec looked even more pained as the warlock spoke, so Magnus figured that he could.

"Do you want to get up, and come with me? Your family will want to see you." Magnus shuddered at the thought of Maryse seeing what had become of Alec, but knew that maybe if Alec saw they were okay, he might feel a little better.

"Hurt… you… you held me and… hurt…"

Alec's words were hardly audible, but his eyes gave a loud plea. Magnus felt guilt wash over him.

"Alec, I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I didn't. I swear you will get better; I will do everything I can to help you get better-"

"No… no…" Alec closed his eyes, but abruptly opened them, as though something awful hid behind his eyelids. "Hurt… I hurt _you_."

And for some reason, Magnus couldn't stop himself from laughing, just for a few moments. It figured that Alec would think that. After everything he had gone through, that was worrying him…

"Alexander. I would rather be hurt by you, die at your own hand, than watch you do the same to yourself. You could have had a knife, a sword… I still would have held you in my arms if it would have protected you. I always will. Forever, I swear to you Alec. We will have forever, and I will try to make this right… I will… I will try to repay you for this cruelty." Magnus was choking on his words. He wanted to reach down and hold him and be held, but it would have upset Alec, and he wouldn't do that.

"Forever?" Alec let out a dry laugh that lasted longer than a sane man's should have.

"I will give you my every breath, heartbeat and pulse for as long as it takes," swore Magnus, resisting the urge to grab Alec's hand. Even though he knew Alec could probably scarcely understand his words, his mind so scrambled, he got the feeling that maybe he could pick up one or two… maybe his voice.

"Tomorrow… I will die." Magnus gasped, and Alec rolled around on the floor, before reaching his arm into the air and smashing it into the ground as hard as he could. Magnus heard the sickening crack of breaking bones and Alec's cry of pain before he soothed himself and spoke again. "And then again the day after… and again. And again… every day I will die a little bit, and I deserve it. And to make it up to you, you can hear my screams… this time you get to hear _me _scream, and feel the pleasure my pained shrieks bring. Like I did."

Alec did it again, before rapidly waging a violent war against his body, scratching at his arms, his face. Before Magnus could do anything, Brother Eli had knocked him out with a rune, and the room went silent as Alec was patched up by the robed man without another word.

The sun was setting. Alec had been under the venom's power for hours, and the golden light was casted elongated shadows across the room. It reflected so beautifully that even as Magnus closed his eyes, the striking scene still remained in the corner of his mind. The gold, the grandeur of the room.

And on that day, Magnus wished that he could shut out all that was beautiful. He wished that the floor was made or concrete opposed to marble, that the windows were shaded over with cheap office blinds.

If Alec was gone, the world didn't deserve to be beautiful.

And even while he lay there, the information of his dramatic fall of health soon to be imparted to his family, his treatment halfway over, Magnus knew he needed to suffer. He should be shut away, rather than being free to watch the sun lighting up the sky.

Then again, Magnus supposed that being forced to watch the sun set so inferior to Alec's warmth and beauty was probably just as bad.

* * *

**I hope this chapter is okay. I am sorry, but I cannot give you a teaser for this chapter. The next one isn't final yet, and I might tear out my hair, fling my laptop across the room and restart the chapter.**

**I was surprised how many people loved Brother Eli. Pleasantly surprised. Thank you.**

**Please review, for the sake of the next and last chapter (the one after is the epilogue). I would still love to reach 400. It would make me truly delighted, just if you put in a few words.**

**Just for fun, this time tell me… did you cry at all, and when?**


	32. Loving You

**Hey.**

**So this is sort of the final chapter (the next one is the epilogue). How the hell did we get here? Do you know? I don't. I am glad though, that we made it. Alive? I think so.**

**It has been such an epic journey. From the start, when I simply wondered what would happen if Magnus broke up with Alec, and Alec tried to kill himself, to writing fifteen pages of it and saying; this is it. This is what I am going to write. Two hundred pages, 33,000 hits and 365 reviews later… here we are. So far. Thank you to everyone still here, and those who might read this months after this is finished. I hope I haven't wasted you time.**

**Random Fact No. 4357204957: I never thought I would get this far.**

* * *

Alec stared at Magnus, who was looking at him desperately.

He had no idea what he was meant to be doing for the warlock. Not really.

His expression was pained and worn, and Alec wondered when he had last slept. A week ago? Possibly more.

The thoughts all tripped over themselves though, and Alec quickly found himself thinking of other things; bad things. Magnus screaming. Him liking it. Him wanting more…

Alec squirmed a little in the white sheets he was contained in, and Magnus winced. Alec tried to still immediately.

Because Magnus was upset.

He tried not to upset Magnus. Sometimes, when he wasn't feeling quite as bad, he would reach out and touch Magnus, gently on the arm. Occasionally he could even speak to him. But not always. No, most of the time it felt as though any contact with the warlock would hurt, and if he spoke, even just a whisper, his mind would completely unravel.

And that was what Magnus had to put up with; a mute, insane, terrified and worthless mortal.

He had said that once. He had told Magnus what he thought, in a soft whisper when it felt like his world wouldn't go tumbling with the sound of his voice. When Magnus had hid his face in his hands, Alec had begun to think that maybe staying mute wasn't quite so bad. He just wanted to stop upsetting Magnus.

And everyone, he supposed.

He could still remember the day before, the day he had hurt Magnus while the demon tormented him with those… those images. He had woken so terrified, and had been put to sleep. After that, he had woken in the Sanctuary. Only his parents, Magnus and Brother Eli had been allowed in, though Simon, Izzy and Jace had come later.

His mother had looked at him so sadly as he had woken, her eyes wide with concern. She had said something – he didn't know what – and Alec hadn't responded. She kept talking to him, but all he heard was a muffled voice. He heard Magnus say something, and his mother had looked even more upset.

And then he had done something stupid.

Alec had rolled himself over the edge of the hospital like bed, and landed with a thud against the hard, cold floor. He remembered Magnus by his side in an instant and his father's arms lifting him back up.

His mother had started yelling, though Alec didn't understand what she was saying. Not that it really mattered, though. She was yelling at Magnus, and it was his fault. Alec had forced himself to tune in.

'I hope you are happy, warlock. Look at him!' She had gestured at Alec, and Magnus had flinched.

'It would have… no matter how bad it seems now, it would have been worse…' Magnus was looking at the ground. Alec wanted to be by his side more than anything.

'You don't want him now, do you? He is too far gone to be fun anymore. You won't be able to play with him again. No, he is hardly stable enough. Probably never again, really. You will want others, maybe just for pleasure, maybe for company, and you won't want your broken little toy anymore. I bet you already think you should just run-'

'Please.' Magnus was begging. 'Please, Maryse. I know what I have done, and I swear I won't leave him-'

'But you will,' said Maryse, her voice softer now. Alec had really needed to strain to hear her words. 'You will. Because even though you love him, he will become a responsibility. Then a duty. Then a chore. And I will only blame you a little bit, when you give up on him. Though it is to your credit that he is alive at all, you have left him in ruins.'

All the life had flooded out of Magnus's face in that moment, listening to her. Alec had suspected that maybe he too could see the truth in her words. But he didn't seem to like the prediction, and that made Alec feel a little less discarded. Without warning, Magnus had fallen to his knees, and was crying.

Alec hadn't had much time to react, but he remembered using all of his energy to crawl off his bed. He vaguely recalled the way his father stopped him from throwing himself off the edge, guiding him down. He had eventually made it to the ground, though, and had forced himself to sit by Magnus.

'A-Alec?' Magnus had said, and Alec remembered hating the way it sounded like a question. As though he hadn't expected Alec to come to his aid. It was one of the rare moments when Magnus just lost control, and Alec would have done anything to make him feel better.

Alec didn't want to touch Magnus. Most of the time he didn't, but he knew when to put that aside. Alec grabbed Magnus around the waist and pulled him onto his lap. He felt the memories rip through him, of him hurting Magnus and being tortured in his dreams, but that didn't matter. He knew that it probably looked childish, but at the time it seemed like the best thing to do, to simply hold the warlock in his arms.

He thought maybe he had been wrong when Magnus had only sobbed harder, but he didn't say anything. Partially because he could not think of beautiful enough words to comfort Magnus, but also because somehow he just knew that something bad would happen if he spoke.

He didn't know what, but he could feel it.

Magnus had cried for a long time, longer than Alec had ever seen. It was unsettling. He hadn't been sure what he was meant to do, but he knew he couldn't do it. He was useless.

And thus he sat there, holding him. He would occasionally stroke his hair and kiss away his tears, but otherwise he had just sat there like an oversized doll, waiting to be commanded.

And now it was just the same.

He could feel his memories slipping away, scrambling as he forgot the names of people, only to remember them a moment later… but for a single moment, they were gone. He would forget himself, too, but that didn't matter so much.

Sometimes he would start humming, and he knew it unnerved everyone. Occasionally he would laugh, because his whole stupid, tragic situation was just so damn hilarious sometimes, but otherwise he pretended to be okay. He knew that didn't make Magnus happy either, not completely, but it was better than crying. Or screaming. Magnus hated it when he screamed.

He would try to block out the screams in his own head, because Magnus wouldn't scream, not when he was talking to him. He told himself it was impossible, so he tried not to flinch as the warlock spoke to him, his words probably soothing and lovely.

He wished he could understand each word properly; maybe tell Magnus that he was still alive. That he was still there, and worth fighting for.

Other times he just wanted to tell Magnus to leave, to save himself, but he was too much of a coward to do that, so he forced himself to tune in to his words, focusing on each syllable like a second language.

If he did that, if he seemed almost human, maybe one he would be.

* * *

Alec's face was a dead pale white, the blush seeming gone for good. Magnus wanted it back, so, so much. He had lost a lot of weight, not that he had had any to spare before, and there were bruises and cuts all over his body. Magnus would have held him in his arms and never let go, but he knew Alec would hate that, so he told himself to forget about it. Instead, he continued his one way conversation with Alec.

"So today, we have to do it again…" said Magnus, accidentally reaching out to touch Alec, only to pull his hand away just in time. "I know it didn't go too well last time, but we need… we need to do it again."

There was something in his eyes that was alive. A faint spark where once there had been a brightly burning flame, but a spark all the same. Magnus was never sure if he could hear him, but Alec had replied before. Sometimes just to a word – love, Simon, happy, death – but Magnus chose to believe that Alec could hear him.

"Last time," Magnus forced himself to continue, "we got a bit hurt, and that was bad, so – so this time you are going to have to sleep, and then we will inject you. You won't feel it, though, but…"

Magnus had imagined living with Alexander, for the rest of his life. He knew it was stupid. Humans pretended to be cool and calm all the time, but he was in love with Alec. He had wanted a future with him, and he could feel that slipping away.

He had stayed up some nights just watching Alec sleep, scheming in the night so that he didn't have to face his dreams. He thought about the idea of everything just going away, and Alec would have been his immortal little shadowhunter.

Alec could have gained the affection of the Clave for being an everlasting warrior, or run if they had disputed him. They could have lived to together for a long time and never been alone. Never again.

Sometimes he wondered guiltily if this could work out. If he could fix Alec. If it all went according to plan, hadn't he done a good thing? Alec would be immortal. He could cherish Alec forever – he had an eternity to make Alec better. And even if he died… he would have anyway. There was every chance that he had simply been changing the equation. The numbers were different – the decisions, the times – but in the end, it always added up to the same thing; death.

It always did with shadowhunters.

He knew that was wrong, though. Even if it would have all been the same, that he would have been equally upset whether Alec died at eighteen or eighty, there was a difference. There was always a difference between torture and tragedy.

"I need you to understand, Alec. Please. When you go to sleep… when you go to sleep, you will… will…"

You will lose everything. You will be reduced to almost nothing. You will have lost every ounce of sanity you have left, and we will be left to scrape you up and figure out what to do with you.

Alec probably couldn't understand him. He knew that. He had accepted that.

He just wished he didn't have to.

"Oh, God… Alec… I just want to… please…" He couldn't touch him. He wasn't allowed, and it hurt Alec, but he was about to send him under once more, and the possibility of losing Alec forever was drawing up close. Just then, Magnus felt the slightest pressure against his hand.

"Alec?"

Alec's hand slipped around his own, and pulled it downwards towards the boy himself, until it reached Alec's lips, where he kissed him gently. Magnus's breath caught in his throat.

The shadowhunter continued to pull, weakly, but with determination, and the warlock ended up leaning over the bed, looking at Alec. Alec's blue eyes were looking at him, without fear or hesitation, as though he was resolved.

Alec's thin hand pulled the warlock down even further, and Magnus found himself resting against his shadowhunter's shoulder.

"Alec, what is it?"

Magnus wasn't really expecting a response, but he got one.

"You should have left… a long time ago. But you are here." Alec's voice was dry and soft, but all that mattered was that it was there. For now. "Will you lie beside me?"

Magnus felt all of the air leave his lungs. He tried to collect himself. He tried to consider what was best for Alec. Did he really want him beside him? Would it scare him? What if it did?

"Alec, I-"

"I want it. I've missed falling asleep beside you. You will let me have that, won't you? I would rather my last moments be in your arms than alone." Alec wasn't really looking at him, but at the roof. He did that when he was frightened. "I'm scared, Magnus."

Magnus took one more look at him before pulling himself over the bed railing and climbing in beside Alec. Smiling, Magnus quickly muttered a spell, and the white hospital sheets changed to canary yellow and patterned with purple. Alec giggled, and Magnus felt himself wishing that he could record the sound, and replay it over and over.

"It's like home," said Alec, quietly.

"Home…" It was strange to hear Alec refer to his apartment as 'home'.

"Home is where the heart is," mumbled Alec, possibly a reply, but probably to himself. "I'll miss it… if I can. I might not be able to, if I forget, but I miss… I miss…"

Alec placed his fingers on either side of Magnus's mouth and pushed up the corners, forcing a smile onto the warlock's face. Alec laughed, and Magnus found a true smile of his own forming.

"You won't have to, Alexander. I will help you. I will do everything I can to help you."

Alec closed his eyes. "It doesn't matter… if I lose it. I might not remember being so happy. I won't have lost anything-"

"But I will have lost everything." Magnus's voice was firm. Rolling over, Alec turned to him.

"Promise you will find another, if I am irreparable-"

"We aren't talking about that, Alec."

"Promise."

Magnus tried to calm himself, but said through gritted teeth, "No."

Alec, seemingly sensing his discomfort, dropped the matter. Magnus saw his eyes skid to the markers by the bedside, ones they had gotten him for his 'reminders' after he had cried for them, but he didn't write down whatever he needed to remember. Maybe it was because he realised Magnus was right. Maybe it was because he didn't figure he would be needing his memories soon.

"I can touch you now," declared Alec, like he was presenting a truce. "I usually can't, but for you… I wanted it enough. I tried enough, and it happened."

Magnus smiled again. It took effort for Alec to even listen to goings ons that weren't inside his own head. He knew it was difficult for him to hold onto a conversation, let alone lie beside him.

"I'm very proud of you, Alexander. Of everything. You are so brave."

Alec sighed, half contented, half saddened.

"I'm meant to sleep soon, aren't I?"

Magnus swallowed. "Yes."

"And when I wake up, I will have lost everything."

It wasn't a question, but Magnus replied anyway. "Yes."

"Then," said Alec, softly, "tell me your best story. Tell me about life once I get better."

Smiling up at the roof, Magnus told him. Told him everything. His plans, his dreams. His wants and desires. How much he loved him, how he saw them together, living side by side. He didn't mention immortality, but he didn't need to.

"And we will never have to be apart. Never again, I swear." Alec's breathing was becoming more even, and Magnus knew it was almost time for him to say his last goodbye.

"I want that…" sighed Alec. There were tears in his eyes, but the shadowhunter didn't even seem to notice them. "I really, really want that."

"We will have it. Everything you want. We will dance in the grandest halls and dine at the highest peaks. And I will never let go of you. Never." Magnus wouldn't have forced his presence onto Alec any more than he needed to, but at that moment Alec curled into his side, taking in shaking breaths, tears streaming down his eyes. Magnus felt like he was lying to Alec, the way a parent might to a dying child. He had never really cared about anyone enough to lie to them like that.

"It isn't fair!" Alec cried, his voice raw. "It isn't fair that the world can do this to someone. It isn't fair that… that I won't be able to give you the future. Not that future. Not _any _future."

Magnus placed a hand on Alec's back, and felt himself falling apart. He wouldn't cry, not until Alec was asleep, but he felt like singing out in agony.

"We can only try-"

"I didn't try hard enough!" Alec's whole body seemed to be convulsing. Magnus's hands were trembling on his back. Alec lowered his voice. "I remember fighting that demon, sending the others away so that they were out of danger. I fought it, but I could have fought harder. I felt its fangs graze me, but it didn't hurt, so I figured it was fine. I ruined everything. I just want things to be okay, again. I'm so sorry."

For a few moments, Alec just rested against the warlock, still sobbing in pain. Magnus pulled Alec closer to him.

"You did the right thing, Alec." One day he would see Alec smile again. Every day. "I don't… if I could have kidnapped you that day, made you watch pointless reality television in my house and let one of the others take your fall, I would have. In a second. It would have suited me fine… but not you. You did the moral thing, and although I wish over and over that you hadn't, you should not be disappointed in yourself. You are so brave."

Alec just stayed in his arms, silent for a long while, before speaking slowly. "Sometimes… I wonder if this is something I made up in my head. I have seen real life. Real life is different to this. Real life is when no one really loves each other. Not this much. No one has ever loved me before, and now… now I have you. I must have completely lost my mind."

Magnus wearily touched Alec, trailing his hand along Alec's cheek and chest, still afraid that he would suddenly jump at the intimacy, and scream at the contact.

"No, Alec. This is real."

Alec considered this for a moment. "Then you must be out of your mind too."

A moment passed.

And another.

Alec seemed to be fighting to keep is eyes from closing. Magnus didn't blame him.

"I'm afraid, Magnus," he whispered.

"I know."

"I don't want to leave you. Not again."

Magnus stroked Alec's back. "We will be side by side. You aren't going anywhere." Magnus petted Alec's cheek, wiping away the tears.

"Can you tell me… tell me that you…"

"I love you, Alexander Lightwood. I loved you before, and I love you now." Magnus dared a light kiss on Alec's lips. "And I swear to love you when you wake up. No matter what."

Alec looked up at him for a moment. There were probably screams dancing around in his mind, images that might never completely disappear. Magnus wished there was something that he could do. There was _nothing_.

"I want… I want to make you promise." Alec threw his head back and scrunched up his face. "It's so wrong. God… that's awful, but I wish I could force you-"

"I promise," said Magnus simply, but he knew it was true. Anything. Anything for Alec.

"Thank you, Magnus. I love you too. Always." Alec shyly curled back into Magnus's side, and the older man embraced him.

"Good night, Alexander."

When there was no response, Magnus knew that he was gone. He knew that he would have to inject him with that awful stuff. He knew that he might never be the same.

With shaking hands, Magnus forced himself to inject his love, and saw the familiar steadying of breath and heartbeat as the demon put Alexander Lightwood into auto-pilot for the last time. It was only as the boy slept that Magnus allowed himself to sob shamelessly against his Alec's side.

Because this was Alec.

Alec, who had never kissed a boy, never killed a demon until he had met him.

Alec, who had never thought anyone could possibly love him.

And even if this might have just been changing the equation for some, for a mortal boy to stand in the face of death or inescapable harm, this was Alec, and it made all the difference.

* * *

**Not much of a conclusion. Do not worry. There is an epilogue on its way, and it explains all.**

**So, we are getting sort of a little bit close to four-hundred reviews, right?**

**So, I have an offering. I am sure many of you may have been looking for an online copy of 'Magnus's Vow'. Maybe you have found pieces of it. Heck, maybe you have found the whole thing, but I offer to anyone who reviews the link to a website which has it up (safe and sound).**

**But that is unfair to the anons, right (who I love dearly. I went without an account for a long time. I know how it feels)? Therefore, if I get over five anons who want the link, I will post it up alongside next chapter.**

**Please tell me how you feel about this chapter. I am still writing the epilogue, and could really use some inspiration/motivation.**

**Aside from my stupid need to hear from you readers, another question; What was the biggest moment? Not necessarily the one that was the sweetest, but what stands out the most in your mind?**


	33. Epilogue: Yours Truly

**Hey.**

**It is this story's birthday today. I hope you wish it well.**

**I feel like… I have a lot to say. I have so much to say, yet I do not want to force my pathetic babble onto you. Firstly, though it seems lame, I would truly like to thank everyone who has reviewed. I asked you to, last chapter, and I was overwhelmed by the response. So much so that I am still replying. I am sorry for that, but I swear to get back to all of you. As for the link:**

**http : / magnus-and-alec. blogspot. com. au/search/label/Magnus%27s%20Vow**

**Remove the spaces.**

**I have fretted over this for a whole year. I have tossed and turned and wondered what I could do to hurt Magnus and Alec more than the last chapter. And now I am saying farewell.**

**To anyone who likes music, again, I have a few suggestions. If you are into Christina Perry (Made famous by Jar of Hearts), 'Arms' is the perfect song for Alec. 'Sad Song' works too, if you don't take the words too much to heart. She has a voice which isn't too distracting while you think or read. I urge you to listen to 'Arms', though, with the lyrics. 'Born to Die' by Lana Del Ray is also nice, just the atmosphere opposed to the meaning.**

**I would like to thank everyone who has read this. That in itself was an enormous feat. I am so grateful for all of you, putting your faith into me to even finish. Apparently some people even had to use Google Translate to read it, and that really touched me. But if you ever read my reviews page, you will realise immediately why it was never even an option for me to abandon this fic. The fact that you are here, on this page, makes all of the banging my head against my pillow worth it.**

**So we made it. We did. To be honest, I am afraid to finish. But here it is.**

**Random Fact No. 31120113112012: No matter who you are, no matter what you do, there is always someone who can love you. As a friend, mentor, parent or lover, there will always be someone who cares. You just have to wait.**

* * *

Magnus looked at his reflection in the mirror, searching for something different.

Sometimes he would do that, just stare at himself and look for something, something which had left a mark or a sign that Magnus was of the world of mortals, and he would take it away. He would mend the scars, the burns and marks which usually covered other, more short-lived people's bodies. He would take them all away and become untouchable, a creature born of darkness. He had always thought it made him beautiful. It was better to be unbreakable. He had believed that for a very long time.

Then he had met Alexander.

The mirror reflected his silky caramel skin, long shadows cast by the bright lights which beamed overhead tinting his skin, making him look older. His hair was in neat disarray, and caught the multi-coloured lights like a dark halo. He had the same eyes as he had had for years, the same bizarre pupils over yellowish green, but they were different. No matter how many things Magnus had done to himself to insure that he didn't end up looking human, some things had changed.

As a familiar pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist, he knew he didn't need to look any farther.

The boy's skin was dead white and icy, and Magnus clasped his hands in his own. Gradually, Magnus turned around, abandoning the mirror and his desperate search for change, and looked it dead on.

Alec was dressed in a suit, his shirt and tie varying degrees of red. The fabric hung off his thin body in the way it had been tailored to, and Alec's hand clutched Magnus's own. Magnus held it back.

"Do you worry about him?" asked Alec, and Magnus just laughed. Around them were groups of people, all dressed nicely for the occasion. They danced and swayed to soft faerie music in a large hall decorated in shades of majestic reds and blues. But of course Alec was worried. Magnus would have been startled if he wasn't.

"Why?" asked the warlock, mouth pulling up into a smile. This was the part where Alec would start to babble, and Magnus would laugh at him, and Alec would blush and turn away.

"Because… he is getting married, Magnus! He is getting married, and what if they don't look after him? He won't want me checking in on him all the time, and _he _certainly won't, but what if he gets upset, and no one knows what to do…?" Alec looked down, clearly upset. Magnus got the idea that this was a very inappropriate time for Alec to be a Best Man.

A few years ago, Alec had found a young vampire in the process of dying in an alleyway. It wasn't a rare sight, to see a vampire lying on the pavement in an alley, but with the sun rising… Alec had picked him up and taken him to their old apartment. As it turned out, the boy had once been a shadowhunter who lived in another Institute, but he had been kicked out once he Turned. After that a circle of vampires took him in, knowing he was an ex-shadowhunter, and had fed him drugged human blood for laughs.

Once you get attached to tainted human blood, you don't come back. You lock them out and let them burn, because they get cravings for human blood and lose their mind so badly that they aren't worth rehabilitating.

Magnus could remember coming home and finding this boy – Eugene Verlac – sprawled on top of Alec, draining his blood. Magnus had shoved him off, but Alec would always let him drink from him when he needed to. He promised the boy that he would save him.

Looking around at the wedding reception, Magnus supposed that he had.

"I always thought he might have loved you, you know," observed Magnus, softly.

"What?"

"It's just… remember that silly game you would play with him, whenever he got hungry? He would tell you to push him away if he took too much, and you would say no, that he should just promise not to take too much. You would make him promise, a stupid shadowhunter-vampire looking for human's blood, not to drain you. And for some reason, he always kept his end of the bargain. For a while," Magnus continued, more slowly, "I thought you wanted him to love you."

Alec had a way of making people like him. Most people knew of Alexander Lightwood. The crazy one, the immortal angelic warrior. People would expect to find some sort of twisted, paranoid creature, but that was not Alec. Alec was kind and gentle, if not a little jumpy. There was hurt inside him that no amount of time could mend – nightmares that still struck him these years later – but he had come very far, and Magnus knew that one day everything that happened with the demon's venom would be forgotten.

"Of course I did. He is like a brother," replied Alec, his gaze fallowing Eugene's dancing figure as the boy threw his head back and laughed in his husband's strong arms. The other man was also a vampire. He had a reputation of being a gentleman, but Alec was bothered by him all the same. "Love can help you heal, but it can also burn you. I don't want him to get hurt. He doesn't know what he is doing."

Magnus frowned, and knew that this was one of those things that Alec shared with Eugene from experience. When Magnus had suggested that they told Eugene to move out after the vampire had drained Alec a little over his usual limit, Alec had started sobbing. Magnus had been confused until he heard the words 'You don't know what it is like', and suddenly it had made sense.

"That boy," Alec continued, eyes cast downwards, "has no idea how much he can hurt Eugene. He isn't alright in the head yet, he isn't responsible for his actions. That boy could really hurt him-"

"Like I did?" asked Magnus, swallowing.

"There were times," replied Alec, very softly, "when I tried to please you. When your mind is weak, when you feel so awful about everything you do… all you want to do is please the one who loves you. That is why I worked so hard to get close to Eugene, and that is why I used to be so frightened. Do you remember that day, when I cooked dinner-"

"Alec, don't."

"You worked so hard to make me alright again. I was so angry at myself, that no matter what I did, I always made you unhappy. I would see how you wanted to leave the house, and feel awful that I was holding you back. I saw how you wanted to touch and hold me, and I would be so upset that I wouldn't let you, and… and when you were out, I just figured that I could cook you dinner, and make you happy. Just a simple spaghetti… I should have been able to do it, but for some reason it tasted awful, it wasn't good enough-"

"Alec, please!" The memory rocked through Magnus. He had been late coming home from a client's house, and when he came back he had found Alec crying softly on the sofa. He could smell something burnt, and when he asked Alec what was wrong, he had simply cried harder about how 'it wasn't good enough'. It took another few minutes for Magnus to find the bright red burns up Alec's legs from where he had knocked the boiling water and sauce onto himself. But that had been years ago.

"I always tried to make you happy, Magnus." Somehow, his words weren't an accusation. "I really tried. Eventually I had to realise that nothing I could possibly do would help to make you happy. It was never enough. You were so good to me, and I could never do anything to help you. That's why I was so careful with Eugene. If I let him think he could make me happy…"

Magnus pulled Alec in closer, holding his face close to his own, and suddenly the party of vampires and shadowhunters, and everything in between… it all just vanished.

No one ever liked to bring up what had happened to Alec, but it haunted him, the ghost of his former madness creeping into written memory and reputation alike. After Alec had woken up from his final demonic nightmare, it had taken the Clave less than a month to realise what had happened. More Silent Brothers were sent out, and most of them had been told to put Alec down, to let him die a humane death. It had taken months to show them that Alec could improve, and longer to convince them that he could improve _enough_. Magnus used some spells on Alec's memories, and potions to calm him down while Clary and the other shadowhunters used whatever marks they could think of. Through all of that, it had taken three years for the Clave to consider Alec a shadowhunter again, and a decade for them to take away the mark beside his name that labelled him 'unstable'.

When Alec had adopted a twenty something year old vampire after fifteen years, Magnus had thought he had relapsed. When he fed him on his own blood and insisted he was fixable, everyone had laughed at him. No one had even taken him seriously. But Alec had proven them wrong, and Magnus was proud of him.

"You were very good for him. I know… I know I wasn't that good for you, when you needed me." Magnus shivered, thinking of how sometimes he used to get annoyed at Alec. He would get frustrated because everyone said that Alec was better off dead, and sometimes… on occasions he had been forced to agree with them. That he couldn't recover. He had watched Alec pick up Eugene, look at him, and never lose faith in him. He knew that he should have been like that. _That _had been what Alec had needed.

Alec smiled, looking a little pained. "I know how that boy felt." Alec gestured over at Eugene, who was still wearing a smile, looking like he was having the time of his life. "Not many people do, but the moment I saw him sitting in the alleyway before dawn, not caring whether he lived or died, just that the pain went away… I knew exactly what that felt like. That would have been me. That _should _have been me, but I had something to hold onto. That was all he needed."

"Alec, I was hardly-"

"Twenty-seven times. I tried to kill myself twenty-seven times over twenty years. The one who saved me – the one who kept the count that low – was you. You watched me, and you promised to stay with me. Even though I was afraid of disappointing you, you kept me afloat. Eugene had nothing. Everyone had left him. What happened to him could have happened to me, except I had people who loved me… I had – I had you…"

Magnus ducked his head and smiled. There were circular dining tables scattered along the edge of the floor, but they just stood by the dancers as they twirled.

"I gave you hell for years, and you never gave up. You are the reason I lived, and the reason I want to continue for as long as I can spend my life with you. Without you, I would be dead. Without you, I would not be here. For all that I did for Eugene, all the understanding and kindness I could give him, you gave me everything, and I will always be grateful."

Magnus felt tears in his eyes as he pulled Alec in closer. It had been twenty years since that fateful day Alec had been attacked by Servus Deminutio. Twenty years since they had been thrust into the dark and forced to find a way out of a place of deaf hears and blind eyes. All the worries that Alec would not make it alive, all of the times Magnus wondered what he would do without Alec… they were gone. There had been times when they fought, times when it seemed like it could never get better, but they had made it. Together.

"Do you remember," asked Alec, softly, taking Magnus by the hand and inviting him to lead him into a dance, "the greatest story ever told?"

Magnus spun Alec beneath the soft lights, the pinks and baby blues tinting Alec's skin and reflecting in his ebony hair. Somewhere Eugene was watching them, probably smiling at Alec, silently wondering what it was like to be so in love, only to look at his side and know. Maybe he looked at Alec, and saw himself, the way Alec saw himself in Eugene. Perhaps they were kin, in a sense. And Magnus supposed that they were. Because their great tales, their pages filled in with love and passion, they were only just beginning.

"I do, Alexander." Magnus smiled.

Smiling up at the roof, Magnus told him. Told him everything. His plans, his dreams. His wants and desires. How much he loved him, how he saw them together, living side by side. He remembered the first time he had told him that, when it had only seemed like a dream, something impossible and out of sight. They had been crying then too.

"And we will never have to be apart. Never again, I swear." He had said those words with false certainty, once. He had known, but only in his heart. You didn't need a heart to hear the truth in the words now.

"I want that…" Alec was smiling radiantly. He looked Magnus directly in the eyes. Something about him was more real this time, and Magnus knew that after all of the tragedy over the years, he still adored him. The soft, human smile that Alec wore each day made everything worth it. "I really, really want that."

"We will have it. Everything you want. We will dance in the grandest halls," Magnus said softly, almost playfully as he spun Alec in a neat circle, "and dine at the highest peaks. And I will never let go of you. Never."

And this time around, no one had to get hurt. They would remember what had happened, the way Alec had cried and smiled all at the same time when he had found out that he wouldn't have to leave Magnus's side, that he was immortal. They remembered the way Alec would still wake up occasionally, gasping and clinging to Magnus for dear life, or the way Alec had tried to take himself away and 'relieve' Magnus of him when they had started the recovery process.

And then they would look at each other, and it would fade away.

Magnus slipped his hand up Alec's back, placing a hand on his cheek. The ring around his finger – the one that matched Alec's – dragged along his skin, and the boy smiled. Slowly, Magnus leaned down a little and captured the boy's lips into a gentle kiss and closed his eyes.

Somewhere in the room, a clock was chiming twelve. Magnus thought ruefully of how that was the time when all the magic ran out, where a dream ended and all that was left was a memory.

Pulling slightly away from Alec, just far enough to see his damp, beautiful eyes, Magnus could only look at him.

"A hundred years. A thousand years. I have never adored someone as much as I adore you, at this moment and always."

Alec buried his face in Magnus's chest, and Magnus felt his shoulders shaking. When Alec looked back up at him, he was smiling. "It isn't possible that after everything, I can feel so… happy."

"Then," said Magnus softly, "I just hope the magic lasts."

And as the dances went on long after the clock chimed twelve and Alec's presence at his side never strayed, Magnus knew that magic had nothing to do with it.

Pulling him possessively into his arms, Magnus knew that no magic, no darkness, _nothing _could touch them.

Never again.

**-The End-**

* * *

**I would love to hear whatever you thought, for there must have been something, if you made it this far.**

**Also, and though I suppose it seems unlikely, if you want a copy of the very word document I typed this up on, you can PM your email. Just in case you want to flick through it. I could sign it if you would like (shh, Miss Regina, no one bloody well wants you to sign a fanfiction!).**

**I was considering writing a one-shot about what happened to Eugene (it would probably help this chapter make sense). Is that something worthy of being written, or a silly idea by a silly author?**

**Disclaimer (because I should probably throw these in occasionally): I do not own The Mortal Instruments. It owns me.**

**It has truly been an honour to write for you,**

**-Miss Regina Star**


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